Looking for advice on dealing with a workplace bully.

Anonymous

June 9,2022 at 11:24AM UTC

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Looking for advice on dealing with a workplace bully. The other day, as I was in the middle of a conversation with a college intern who I am supervising, a director (I'm a manager), came over and aggressively interrupted our conversation and started speaking directly to the intern. She just burst over to where we were standing, and bulldozed her way into the conversation--no apology for the interruption before or after she came over. Although it hasn't happened in a long time, this isn't the first time that the director has displayed this type of behavior towards me, and I've only observed her doing it with me. She obviously doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual. A few years ago, she bit my head off in front of others, and I initiated a meeting with her to address her about her behavior. I wouldn't say that meeting resolved anything, but I was proud of myself for speaking up. I think this woman's feelings towards me dates back to when she first started (I joined the organization a few months before she did). At the time we both reported to the same senior director. The senior director liked me very much and relied on me a great deal, which created jealousy against me from other team members. Eventually the senior director left the organization, but the jealousy and resentment remained and grew. The reporting structure has changed, however we still work in the same department. I have a new boss, who like my first one, has come to rely on me more so than other team members. In case this sounds like I'm a brown noser, I am anything but. The difference is that I am the type of worker, who doesn't make waves, and wants to do my job and go home, while my team members are outspoken and rebellious. For the last few years, I was determined not to let anyone run me out of the organization, however I'm fed up and a few months ago decided that it's time for me to move on. I am currently interviewing and am confident that this interview will lead to a job offer. I have suffered in silence for the past few years and have taken the high road when subjected to poor treatment, but I am tired of people mistaking my kindness for weakness. Often I have bit my tongue out of fear that I wouldn't be able to control my emotions, and end up looking like the bad guy. Because I am not one to follow the crowd, I have become an outsider. There are alot of layers to my situation, but if I shared everything, this post would be the length of a novel. I have never learned how to properly speak up for myself within the workplace, without making myself look bad (I learned my lesson the hard way several years ago at an old job--I paid a big price for an emotional outburst towards a former co-worker; she was eventually fired, but it also cost me a promotion). So after that experience, I went to the other extreme of just not speaking up for myself. However, for whatever remaining time I have left with my current organization, I want to address situations such as the one I described above, in a professional, yet firm manner and I would appreciate any advice. For the record, outside of work, I have no problem with speaking up for myself, because I don't see the same risk factor (in other words, I stand the risk of losing my job if I handle conflict at work the same way I handle it in my personal life). Even though I believe I only have another 6-7 weeks left working for my current employer, I want to be equipped with workplace conflict resolution skills for the future. Thanks in advance.

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AnonymousJune 9,2022 at 1:07PM UTC
I am so sorry for what you have been dealing with at your work. I can relate so much it is scary. Companies will not address a bully situation unless it has crossed the legal line. Most bullies have made sure they have relationships with all of the right people therefore complaining only makes you look bad.
i know by ignoring it does appear as a weakness. No conversation with a bully will fix it. When she interrupts let her have the stage and when she pauses or appears done then in a firm voice ask “are you finished”.
I can’t tell by your post so I could be wrong. It comes across as you go to work to do your job and there is zero interest in your coworkers. A lot of people look at coworkers as a second family. If you choose to not and you are making no effort then personality wise, you are not a fit and they probably want you out. I suggest you find the right questions to ask during interviews that will give you an idea of the team dynamics and the personalities. If it’s a dream job but the team is very close you may find yourself unhappy.
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 1:16AM UTC
Thank you for you very much for your compassionate advice. I couldn't agree with you more regarding how bullies get chummy with the right people. Now that I think about that, that is absolutely true at my current job. My devilish side absolutely LOVES the "Are you finished?" response, however I think with that might result in further escalation (but I love it). When I first joined my organization several years ago, it was important to me to develop healthy relationships with my coworkers, and I made a huge effort. But then I started discovering that my employer is more political than the U.S. government and people at my job are power hungry - two things that I absolutely cannot stand! So I started distancing myself from coworkers who were trying to undermine my boss' authority by trying to convince me to not to do as I was told or to leave work early - yeah, this is what I was dealing with during my first month on the job. Hindsight is 20/20 - even though my coworkers were wrong, I realize now that I handled things poorly. I should've addressed it right away and either learned how to maintain superficial professional relationships (i.e., being phony) or I should've started looking for another job. But the reality was that it took me six months to find my current job and I dreaded throwing myself back into the job market again. And it probably would've been impossible for me to sustain being phony, because the "If you're not with us, you're against us" belief runs very strong at my job. And lastly, my foolish pride was not going to allow anyone think they "won" and push me out. Although painful, I've learned some good lessons and don't have any intentions of repeating the same mistakes. Thanks again!
AnonymousJune 11,2022 at 12:26AM UTC
Me again ?. If you were in front of me I would give you a big hug. What you are going through is so hard and mentally exhausting.
Be kind to yourself and be patient something better will come along and when it does you will feel amazing. For now just keep reminding yourself that the real issue is not you it’s them, they are the nasty negative Nancy’s.
AnonymousJune 9,2022 at 1:13PM UTC
Suppressing your feelings and the constant fear of losing your job are not signs if strength or leadership. Your confidence has suffered without the skills needed to stand in conflict and dealt with difficult people/situations. You need to work on your confidence as a leader and be able to clearly take a stand.
I would start by reading up on confidence building. There are also tedTalks on developing self confidence and abd leadership. You can also employ a coach or therapist to walk you through your fear of self advocating to resolve your past trauma. Since you have no issues outside of work, this may simply be a lack of skill in a professional setting compounded by your history at work.
Learning to control your emotions is a skill set that will serve you well. Emotional outbursts are a result of suppressing your feelings and pain until you can no longer swallow them. Emotional meltdowns are dealt with by using tools you can learn.
Good luck.
AnonymousJune 9,2022 at 1:38PM UTC
I’m not the OP but love yo ur response. What links do you suggest?
AnonymousJune 9,2022 at 1:38PM UTC
I have a book called crucial conversations that is really good. It’s about conflict resolution.
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:33AM UTC
Thank you very much for your advice and for being so tactful. You make excellent points and you're correct about past trauma. My confidence and feelings of self-worth were eroded at a very young age. Business associates and co-workers from previous jobs and my current one have made comments about my confidence. Although I'm mid-career and middle age, I do agree that I need the help of a therapist and job coach. Thanks again!
Fair WaveDecember 28,2022 at 3:40PM UTC
You hang in there hon, you're doing all the right things & your intentions are honest. You've got personal integrity, something many do not. You're doing great - you take care.
Paulla Fetzek, MSEdJune 9,2022 at 1:21PM UTC
Oh wow. You sound JUST. LIKE. ME.
Total respect here. I too have a supervisor who relies on me heavily. And it's because for the past 19 years I've tried to keep out of trouble and just do the best I can.
What I don't have - thankfully - is a mean-spirited person like you do. My suggestion would be this:
If your company has an exit interview - don't hesitate to speak up about what's been happening. But, be prepared for people to be upset that you didn't say something sooner - even if you did but nothing was done (if you know what I mean).
If there's not an exit interview - send a letter. Not an email, an actual letter. In it, kindly explain the issues, along with expressing your appreciation for the good things.
Sadly, neither may change things for those still at the company, but you'll be able to let go of the injustice you've been dealing with.
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:35AM UTC
Thank you very much for suggesting that I go through with the exit interview. I am so resentful and just want to be free of this organization, that I told myself that I was not going to bother with the exit interview, but I think I'm going to do it. I appreciate your advice!
AnonymousJune 9,2022 at 1:30PM UTC
I don’t think interrupting a conversation is a sign of someone not liking you.
I think its a blind spot in their leadership. They don’t know how it impacts the relationships that they have with others.
I know I’ve interrupted others in the past and I haven’t done it out of any disrespect. I came from a big, boisterous family and we were always talking all over each other. But a friend told me that I do that often and pointed out how it can be perceived and I’ve been making a conscious effort to fix it. I know that isn’t really the focal point of your post, but this brings me to a point that may address some of the bigger pain points…
An important question to ask yourself is: is why did that action cause such a reaction in you? You can’t control what others do, only how you allow it to impact you.
Your perception of being an outsider is probably a well worn groove that has been there for some time. That’s certainly true for me.
I started therapy for anxiety and have been practicing mindfulness techniques and some of these very same
issues are still there, but their grip on me has faded. I knew I had to seek help when these situations started influencing bigger life decisions like… readiness to start a family, changing job, questioning my career path, etc.
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:40AM UTC
Thank you for pointing out a different perspective, and I do agree that interrupting may be a blind spot for this individual, however based upon my observations, I have witnessed her exercise restraint and good manners when it comes to others, so I believe it is a deliberate act. I greatly appreciate your advice for practicing self-reflection and mindfulness techniques. Recently, I've begun to wonder if I suffer from anxiety. Thanks again!
Yichen ZhangJune 9,2022 at 1:42PM UTC
Sounds like you're doing what you can to protect yourself in this situation.
Here's what stands out to me:
- In your working relationship with this colleague, there seems to be a history of conflict-escalating behavior on the part of the colleague that most people would not carry out (chewing you out in front of others, interrupting a conversation which did not involve them multiple times, focusing on making you look bad in front of others)
- The idea that some people may "take your kindness for weakness"
I recommend seeking out resources on identifying and dealing with High Conflict People, such as this podcast https://www.reboot.io/episode/extras-22-navigating-high-conflict-personalities-with-megan-hunter/ or the book 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (Bill Eddy, who also has the BIFF books on responding to High Conflict People in life and at work).
Best wishes!
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:41AM UTC
Thank you so much for the resources! I definitely plan to check them out!
Kimberley Ferretti HammettJune 9,2022 at 2:21PM UTC
I want to first say that I love that you are reaching out for advice and how you clearly recognize what a great opportunity you have here to practice the skill of trying to resolve this situation while in a low-risk situation so that you can be more prepared in the future. Honestly, please take a moment to commend yourself for recognizing this and wanting to take advantage and grow!
So, as far as advice I'm going to leave it slightly open here because as you said, there's much more of the experience that you aren't able to fit on here that could make specific advice not applicable so use your discretion when reading advice. But two major things I would you suggest you consider in your path forward.
1. Try to keep the focus on them and not your reaction to them:
Here's where you have to use some empathy and try to determine their perspective of the situation in a non-judgmental way. Their reaction may be inappropriate but consider what they are reacting to in their perspective.. ie- imagine you don't know your side of the story. So if they aren't the type to understand or appreciate a personality that keeps their head down and just does the work then maybe they do percieve you as a brown noser, or feel that you don't attempt to relate to them and take that personally or maybe, because they don't know you, worry that you are hiding things and scheming. Often the less people know, the more they make up on their own (usually based on their past experiences that have nothing to do with you). The better you are at getting to understand this the better you can address these concerns when you do approach the situation. As an example this might sound like "I realize since I don't relate as much with the team as others some may feel they don't trust me as strongly as they do their other colleagues. I assure you it isn't personal, in fact far from, I enjoy the team I just prefer to have a strong separation of work and personal life and I have always been the type to keep my head down and focus on the objectives. I think that may have affected our relationship and I don't know if it's distrust or something else but I've felt that in some of our interactions".
This should help pull down their guard a little and give them some room to feel understood or heard so they are more open to hearing you.
1. To avoid getting too emotional, look at the situation with a business lens:
Relations within work still have a business impact. Take a step back and try to determine what the situation is objectively. Personality of course is involved but that can also be looked at in slightly more scientific terms where judgement is avoided and emotions themselves can be talked about objectively/professionally. Expressing what you see is happening in the situation, addressing the impact, then offering a suggestion that involves both of you in the solution can come of as very professional and impactful. This might sound like "Over time I've felt disrespected by these interactions and I think along the way the distrust and tension between us has definitely caused delays and miscommunication on projects. I think it may have just snowballed. Do you agree or am I off-base here? (hopefully they at least nod here) I do wish I had addressed this earlier to avoid that snowball and I am already working on being better about that in the future. Now that I've told you this, though, I hope you will be more aware of how our interactions make me feel disrespected and remind yourself that even though I keep my head down and like to do my work I also would like to have pleasant and comfortable relationships here."
The examples are obviously pretty specific and thought out so you might not talk like that but hopefully it just gives you an idea of the structure I'm suggesting. Personally I'll write something like this out to get my thoughts clear and just kind practice the bullet points in my head to emotionally prepare and let it come out more naturally but professionally.
I hope at least some nuggets from that are helpful to you. Best of luck and congrats on it all.. opportunity on the horizon, growth mindset and composure to have made it this far!
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:50AM UTC
Thank you so much! I love the sample response phrases that you shared! I just recently discovered this website - I wish I had discovered this sooner, as this advice probably could've helped me in so many ways. However, just like with me just "knowing" a few months ago, that it was time for me to make my move on to someplace else, I believe the timing of me discovering this website and posting help for advice was not a coincidence. The advice that I have received from my post is advice that I need now more so than I needed back then. Once again, I am very grateful to you.
Terrie McWhorterJune 9,2022 at 2:28PM UTC
When you get the other job, be sure to request an exit interview. Don't burn the bridge but DO let your supervisor/ director know you are leaving in part because of the tumultuous treatment.
Personally for me, when someone behaves badly, I pull them aside later and simply say, " Have you got a moment?" "I'm not sure if you are aware, but you interrupted an important conversation yesterday." A simple conversation, taking the emotion out of it, just letting her know that you know what she did and she needs to know it too. Best of luck.
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:51AM UTC
Love it! Your response example is straight and to the point, yet makes a strong impact without coming off as being emotionally charged. Thank you very much!
Audrey KirschJune 9,2022 at 4:23PM UTC
Adopt a 'don't worry, be happy' attitude for your remaining time there. It drives bullies crazy. If she barges in on a conversation, walk away. If she asks where are you going, simply reply that it looks like she has everything under control and you have work to get to. No reason to waste any more mental energy on her. Do your job the best you can until the end but let someone know why you are leaving once you give notice. Going forward, check online for resources - courses you can take, books you can read or podcasts you can listen to that will help you with conflict resolution in the workplace. Start preparing now so that you will be ready once you leave your current job.
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:54AM UTC
Yes, I agree with not letting people know that they got under your skin, especially since that will let them know what exactly to keep doing to antagonize you. I also love your example for a response and advice. Thank you!
AnonymousJune 9,2022 at 11:54PM UTC
I’ve had similar experiences and been at both extremes. On one hand learning how to tactfully address a bully’s action against you sometimes takes practice. But any misstep can destroy a reputation and promotion as you stated. What has worked for me is pray before you speak/email/respond. Infuse God in every situation. Because often times these experiences are spiritual, and sometimes if it means armoring yourself with prayers before your day and saying st Michael prayer before you deal with a known hostile colleague, sometimes that is just what it takes. In addition to that, take care of you, take care of your mental wellness. If you find yourself coming home and a hostile colleagues behaviour adversely affects you that is where you need to do the personal work like journaling, exercising, meditating …do whatever you got to do to disconnect and destress from those negative experiences. Unfortunately you cannot change people. Sure you can command the respect you deserve, but they do not have to adjust if they don’t want to and a job is not always going to have your back. That’s why I say take care of you, ask yourself if your okay, and if you are not, have the self compassion to remind yourself that another persons chaos does not have to be your sorrow nor do you have to absorb it. You can watch YouTube videos about conflict management and such, but some knuckleheads are just going to be knuckleheads and at the end of the day all that should matter is your regular self check ins to ensure you are ok. From now until you retire, you cannot control whether you have to deal with another Karen or jerk. Just commit to striving to stay centered and channeling your inner peace, and everything on the exterior can’t touch you nor effect you. Not sure if this helps, but good luck
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 12:57AM UTC
Your advice DEFINITELY helps. I am not proud to admit it that I have been neglecting my prayer life lately as well as self-care. The reminder about both areas is very much appreciated - thank you!
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 5:36AM UTC
Thank you and remember He’s God and is not gonnna hold that against you. Try to reconnect to get back that inner peace you deserve
Nicola BanksJune 10,2022 at 3:34AM UTC
Read daring greatly by Brene Brown - changed my life ...
Reading this is a like a paragraph from my own life.
Set boundaries early...
JJJune 10,2022 at 4:32AM UTC
There’s great, thoughtful feedback here but I would march into my boss’s office and ask for help. Maybe not worth it if you are leaving but it’s not the employee’s job to manage everyone else in the office and to keep from being bullied, it’s the leadership team’s job to see what people are doing and to protect valued employees. If you are being bullied at work then it’s your leader and your company who are to blame.
AnonymousJune 10,2022 at 5:37AM UTC
I agree with this comment. I hope your next job/company is a kinder work environment but there's always the chance you could meet someone similar to this person. I agree that it should be the leadership team's responsibility to notice bad behavior among staff but sometimes it will be overlooked. Definitely speak up if it is happening to you, and document. Some workplaces seem to value bullies, and that's something to look out for as well.
AnonymousJune 11,2022 at 2:28AM UTC
You consider it rude to join a conversation, but this other person may not. I wouldn't call this bullying at all unless the purpose was to undermine your authority, interfere with your work, or humiliate you.
You didn't say how frequently this happens. If it's a constant thing, your next encounter will give you the opportunity to address it. "Excuse me, we weren't finished discussing xyz..." Keep in mind that they could think you are taking up too much time to discuss xyz, and this person may be "rescuing" the person you're talking to, not bulldozing. (In a former workplace, we used to call each other's desks to interrupt this one coworker who could never put a period on a sentence) So for your future peace of mind, asking this interrupter why they do this so frequently will help you get their point of view. If there is a legitimate reason, that's something for you to work on. If there isn't, it's just something about them, and if it doesn't actually interfere with your work and your effectiveness in your office, it's just a thing with them and the problem is that you find it annoying. If it really does interfere with your work, then in the moment you can disrupt the interruption, ask them to hold their thought, and come back to them after you & the other person have come to a stopping point.
Check out the resources of the Workplace Bullying Institute to help you define if your coworker is truly a bully and to help you define the issue in terms that relate to workplace effectiveness before saying something to someone in authority.