Working with a "friend group" of managers and employees, and you're not part of the group

15 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 25,2024 at 12:44PM UTC

   Your situation sounds like a nightmare. I don't see how you can "learn" from someone who doesn't like you and is always going to put you down. Since you aren't able to transfer, I think you need to find another job as soon as you can.

   Meanwhile, I would do the best possible job you can until you can leave, and document all interactions with these two people in case you need it to defend yourself from a challenge. Also, you can try to develop friendships with the "new" people to the best of your ability.

   But I wouldn't look at your current situation for long-term security. That only works when you get along with the key people you work with and they get along with you, and clearly that's not happening.

2. AnonymousSeptember 25,2024 at 1:02PM UTC

   That's just it-- she does not want to teach me, she just wants to criticize and he backs her up saying "she has a good eye." The "friend" culture is very hard to work within because you know if you offend anyone, they're going to talk about you and put you on their list of colleagues they BOTH don't like.

3. AnonymousSeptember 26,2024 at 4:45PM UTC

   So document her unwillingness to teach you and whenever you are told that you "need to learn from her," present the documentation to your boss and say, "As much as you want me to 'learn from her,' she's making that impossible."

   Leave as soon as you can.

4. AnonymousSeptember 30,2024 at 12:58PM UTC

   I am in a similar, not the same, situation. I've been with the organization in some capacity for over 8 years and promoted to higher positions. I've recently been promoted to a new team and I'm the odd one out, busy doing my job while my boss and my/an assistant are bff's. They do lunch, she's the first person my boss seeks out in the office and often I feel ganged up on in meetings as the boss will tell the assistant things I don't know, and it pertains to my program. It's very frustrating. I'll tell you what I'm doing...keeping my head down and doing the best job I can. I let my work speak for itself and I grin and bear it when I feel ganged up on and talk to a friend who also answers to this boss, and we commiserate because she feels it too. PS My bosses boss loves her and frankly all the bosses do. So, I keep my head down and do my job and I've been there 8 years, so I'm not exactly a new kid.

5. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdSeptember 25,2024 at 1:24PM UTC

   Clique culture. Ugh. I'm sorry.

   From what you've shared, you certainly are in a rough position. Regarding this other person - is it possible she's nervous of you because she knows you have more knowledge/skill/talent than she does? And perhaps your manager does too - so he praises her to make her feel better?

   It's interesting to discern what managers and coworkers find to be important. Some value knowledge. Others skill or talent. Still others want both.

   Do you want to fit in? Or, do you feel there's not a chance? If you want to stay and fit in, you'll need to discover what it takes to become part of the "family". Can you talk to this person? Maybe come to them with the guise of "while I have all this knowledge/skill/talent - I know I can still learn. What can you teach me?

   Also, a question You said, "She gets the job done but she's not talented." Why do you not see getting the job done AS a talent? And it may be exactly what your manager wants. There are many types of talents - it may be a matter of finding where yours fit alongside theirs.

   To me it sounds like you might be feeling a bit of Imposter Syndrome. You shouldn't - as you have every right to be there and you were hired for what you bring.

6. Maggie StoneSeptember 28,2024 at 1:02PM UTC

   I’m sorry, being the newbie is not easy. I hear that you feel out of place and not valued. It’s going to be very hard to compete with someone who has been “getting the job done” for years. If you love the work, you can stay until the new wears off. If not, start looking and make sure you ask about culture. Good luck!

7. GirlBossanova934974September 28,2024 at 2:10PM UTC

   Earlier in my career, I worked for 2 organizations like this. My take? You are never going to fit in. You will always be considered an outsider by these folks. You should be asking yourself a more basic question. WHY WHY is this organization dominated by a structure that has employees that have been there for 20 plus years? Shouldn't they have hired several people over the years that would have created a workforce that had 20 years, 10 years and 5 years, and 3 years of experience? Answer: they probably didn't hire anyone for years or drove out people they did hire...........There are so many companies these days with people who have been there for 1-5 years..... You could simply move on to one of those companies.

8. AnonymousSeptember 29,2024 at 4:28PM UTC

   New regime, old regime...well the best way to get through it would be to focus on the work product, the company and the reasons you went there career-wise that don't include money. If the role meets all of that for the near or long term let what you are feeling go. You could as an aside set up a 1-1 with each of these old timers and share with them some things personal and professional about you and ask them about themselves. Be genuine because that is how you really get to know people in personal and work situations. Find commonality or praise for things that align and or interest you and them mutually. You can do this! If you cannot and just want to run away then for your next employer be sure you talk to both long timers and newbies before you say yes. Perhaps instead of making this a big thing you think of work as a lamp, when you get in in the am you plug the lamp in and at 5pm you unplug and don't think about any of this at all...then it becomes just a job.

9. AnonymousSeptember 30,2024 at 1:55PM UTC

   OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback. This is a tricky situation to negotiate. What I've also come to realize is that my position is kind of coveted. And there's quite a bit of nepotism at this place, too, so I'm always on guard. It's seen as a stepping stone role, and I get the sense sometimes that my manager would love to bring in a friend or relative to take my place. The last person in my role was a relative of another manager in a different division (and from there, she was promoted into a new job). I know for fact that my manager collects resumes and once overheard him talking about a recent grad (high school friend's daughter or something like that) who needs a job, and she works in my field. I think he'd love to get me out so he can move her in. It would be hard, but not impossible.

10. AnonymousOctober 1,2024 at 1:08PM UTC

    This could kind of be me, except mine is with guys. I am the only female on-site. The guys go to lunch in a group or just two of them. I have even gone out of my way to invite one or a few out to lunch and when it is one on one, they won't and one finally told me they don't do it because it could potentially lead to talk. Good grief, I am asking to lunch to.local places that are well lit, etc. I have basically given up and just let it go. I just need to.stay employed for 2 more years for retirement.

11. AnonymousOctober 1,2024 at 1:39PM UTC

    This is my job. They all worked together at another company and came with the boss when he was offered to run the same sort of business but as a department of a larger company. I just come in and do my job. We're all still friendly in work conversation but we don't lunch together or go out later. My boss does not give me much responsibility though and I'm sure it's because he doesn't know me. I'm learning to be okay with it though. It's a little lonely but I make good money so I figure I'll stick it out another few years until retirement (mine or the boss's). It isn't a hostile work environment, just boring.

12. AnonymousOctober 1,2024 at 1:40PM UTC

    oh. I feel your situation. I hate to say it, but "small town culture", "knows their parents", yada yada...you are NEVER going to break thru that. You are smart, experienced, talented....but they aren't seeing this, and if the manager isn't swooping you into the group after two years, it won't happen. I know you're hoping for that fresh start and things to get better, but they won't. Sorry- I live and work in a "small town" atmosphere, and I'm the girl from the big city- I never fit (though I desperately want to fit in!). I was just listening to a you tube video by Wayne Dyer on situatons like this- he says that if they don't recognized your worth, you need to leave. It's hard to do, but you are spending ALOT of energy right now trying to "fit", whereas you could take that same energy and BLOOM somewhere else..See what I mean? I say: make plans to exit as soon as you can. There isn't any other answer. Being nice and working hard just isn't going to cut it at this place. Sorry.

13. AnonymousOctober 1,2024 at 5:11PM UTC

    I understand why you feel the way that you do. It's so disheartening when you come on to a job and there is such a cliché. My situation is very similar to yours. The role is just reversed. I grew up and started working in a small town where everyone knew everyone and there was always gossip. I did that until I was about 23 and then moved across the country to the big city. That was such a culture shock for me! I was always a hard worker, and when I was 29, I had a child and the father wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. I did that for a few years, but the depression of never seeming to be able to get out and the life change from having single friends and then having a family...and eventually those friends just don't come around as often after that. After many years of slinging crap at each other, (and he had more children with 2 different women) he gave me an oppotunity to come work at his business. It's had it's perks and it's had it's problems. The bottom line is that I work among people that I have known for years...and I dont' feel like I belong. I have had my resume up on Indeed casually, but now I am going to really start trying to find a different job. Sometimes being part of the "family" or the "group" has some great advantages, and tremendous disadvantages. I can definitely understand where you are coming from and being in a similar position myself, I wish you the best of luck and hope that this will pass for your soon.

14. AnonymousOctober 1,2024 at 6:20PM UTC

    Work is a not a place to make friends "just because someone smiles at you does not mean they are your friend" applies to your post. From what you describe best to stay under the radar, do your job, collect paycheck, go home to family and friends. When it comes to attending company social gatherings make up BS lies why you will not be there they will get the point and you will no longer be a target of negativity.

15. bethOctober 4,2024 at 4:25PM UTC

    I hear you and it's tough because you always feel like an outsider. I took this situation and changed it my advantage; explained that i was able to be more objective and have difficult conversations because I didn't have the complexity of friendship. It worked for me because I was coming in as a manager, between these folks.

    That said -- in the example you gave, I would push for clear requirements to start and then measure the project or direction or decisions against those priorities or what you are optimizing for with that project or work.

    Hope that helps -- good luck!