Why does it feel like only the fake, kiss up-types get ahead? Am I doing something wrong in how I behave (despite being a friendly extrovert myself)? Why is phoniness rewarded? I feel like my boss and his boss just don't like me ...

24 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 11,2025 at 4:11PM UTC

   No matter what your profession is, or your position may be , there is a culture. To advance or survive in any culture you either embrace it or stand on the sidelines frustrated and left behind. Everytime you cross the threshold of your place of employment it's "showtime ". Brown nosing may be uncomfortable, demeaning and lack authenticity. If that is the culture of your work environment you need to either embrace it or leave. It is not easy to compete or survive in a male dominated work environment. Not all work environment cultures promotions are based on performance alone. For example: some work environments are cut throat and if you feel uncomfortable you are definitely in the wrong field and very unlikely to survive. Bring your A game to work and stay focused why you there. There will always be a carrot to chase. Ultimately if you make it to the top. Then you can change the culture.

2. AnonymousMarch 14,2025 at 10:36PM UTC

   It's not easy to be successful in any work environment where gender disparity exists. It's not 1950 anymore and you would be surprised to see that some organizations have rampant, toxic feminism.

3. AnonymousMarch 11,2025 at 5:02PM UTC

   omg...the name triggered me. The bane of my existence for several years at a former employer did indeed go by that name. So yes, been there done that. I was in a similar situation. Was promised promotions, only to see others get ahead. They kept me where I was because I got the work done that needed to be done and the work done that no one else wanted to do. Meanwhile, M was loud, abrasive, in your face (and many would say a bully) but not the brightest. But she had high level people in her back pocket. I did eventually see her managed out the door (new leadership), but still, I was never promoted. You are already planning your exit so that's the biggest thing right there. And I would tell you not to change who you are to get where you want to be. There is a place for you - a place that will value you for what you bring and who you are.

4. AnonymousMarch 11,2025 at 5:03PM UTC

   Companies are social beings and hierarchical. So there are egos, insecurities, relationships and belief systems at work. To survive there are alliances, vendettas, unspoken rules and boundaries. All this is to say there is so much out of your control. Certain behavior is rewarded where that same behavior would be shunned in another company. It's a fragile dynamic that can impact (both positively and negatively) an individual that doesn't display the "right" attributes.

   I wouldn't take it personally. Instead I would exploit the areas of the work culture that serve you and downplay the rest.

   Example: I figured out that my CEO and his minions loved to be acknowledged in the industry and be seen as Rockstars. So I networked in our industry and joined every panel discussion I could at tradeshows and industry conferences. Before they knew it and could stop it, I cast myself as notable speaker (not a rockstar but notable on a smaller stage) and various industry leaders would mention me to my CEO and his minions to the point that they decided I was an asset. I was invited into their world and promoted to keep me there but indebted to them. It wasn't because they liked me or appreciated my work but because they needed me. When I gave notice the CEO actually said...do you know what this makes me look like? Nothing about me or my career. About him.

5. AnonymousMarch 12,2025 at 12:28AM UTC

   It’s when we leave they value the work, never the person. Continue seeking work so you get a seat at the next table. They clearly are showing favoritism and not good leaders. Good leaders recognize their good employees and support them to move up. You’ve been stuck in a corner. Go find a table to sit where your work is appreciated and where you are respected.

6. AnonymousMarch 12,2025 at 12:15PM UTC

   I have had that problem only when I've made myself indispensable. Since you lead a marketing group, are you training a replacement if you can move up? Sometimes, stellar work and evaluations are a double-edged sword. Companies are often quick to overlook the best person on the team because they are so hard to replace. Later in my career, I made it a point to do my work well and know everything I needed to shine, but I also made sure someone could take my job if I got the chance to move up.

7. AnonymousMarch 12,2025 at 1:06PM UTC

   Those of us in the US are living with a government that prioritizes loyalty over competence. That’s not an accident, it’s the culmination of a culture that values people who gladhand and schmooze over the grinders who get into the details and get things done.

8. AnonymousMarch 12,2025 at 5:25PM UTC

   Sad but so true.

9. AnonymousMarch 12,2025 at 4:10PM UTC

   Here’s the deal. No one is out there to bestow value on you. If you want a promotion and there is a possibility and an actual job to be promoted to , make sure you let your boss know that this is of interest to you. First make sure you’ve enrolled your boss in your success. These days that’s harder than it sounds. I see more and more that managers aren’t incented to retain excellent employees, they are trying to keep their jobs and make sure they are viewed as valuable. I’ve seen so many throw their own direct reports under the bus to keep their positions. Years ago this was considered the ultimate in cowardice and lousy management. Nowadays it appears to be the norm. So pay attention to the culture of where you work and don’t live in the fantasy that just because you think things should be fair etc you will prevail. Good luck!

10. AnonymousMarch 12,2025 at 5:56PM UTC

    I can relate. I went through this recently. You aren't at fault. People in many cases are inherently biased whether they want to admit it or not. The doers who get things done are always looked over in favor of the social climbers.

    With that said when I left things fell apart. It wasn't that no one could do my job, they just didn't want to do it. My former employer has been stalking me since trying to get me to come back but I never will.

    You will find the right environment for you eventually where your skills and personality will be appreciated and rewarded. Keep going.

11. AnonymousMarch 13,2025 at 12:49PM UTC

    I absolutely feel that way at my current position...being left out of meetings and then acting like I should know what happened in the meeting. I work hard and accomplish much. I feel your pain, it sucks! I have no advice. I'll be watching to see what others have to say. You're not alone.

12. AnonymousMarch 13,2025 at 12:57PM UTC

    The sing songy voice you refer to is actually taught as a situation diffuser. A friend has an domineering spouse. Not physically violent, but I think you get the drift. Anyway they use that voice with their spouse so as to appear nonconfrontational and be able to interject ideas into the situation that make the other feel as they thought of it and will buy into the what needs/wants to be done. I know they use it and I have seen it bleed over to the job. It has become a norm for her. I have called her out on it in private, but it is frustrating because she isn't always delivering, but is viewed as very likeable and the missed deadlines or incomplete work is overlooked.

    I am not saying to adopt the style, but evaluate it and see if any part of it can be incorporated in your voice while you still remain authentic to yourself/style.

13. Jennifer MazzioMarch 14,2025 at 12:26PM UTC

    I am actually in the same boat. I think it depends on the boss I worked other jobs and did my job really well and got ahead.

14. Taylor PetersMarch 14,2025 at 12:30PM UTC

    Don't even worry about. I used to get upset with this too. The reality is your bosses know and they aren't being "duped". They know and they are using it to their advantage. Maybe you have "capped out" at that company, but it's been 3 years. I know majority of the people in my Corp job took decades to get where they are. 3 years is nothing. Also, don't be so harsh on your co-worker. I'm thinking you are both women, don't compete with her on those things. If anything you start being her friend. Then you will know what was in those meetings too, what opportunities are their, and get your name thrown around. You will also just gain a friend in general, you can both teach each other in ways you lack. Don't leave. You are not alone, you are not the only one, and you just have to be confident in yourself and who you are. They probably do like you, but in their own way. They also respect your boundaries. Don't cut everyone short and maybe shift your perspective

15. AnonymousMarch 14,2025 at 12:31PM UTC

    I understnad what you are saying.I was working at a computer companyl. The lady that was hired before me never did work,whatsoever. Yet, the lady left a lot of work for me.

    Whatgetsmeisthat the lady was friends with the secretary's sister.I kept getting written up even though I was dong my work.

    On the day I got a written write-up, I figured it was best to move on and say "Sayonara" to the boss.

16. MeganMarch 14,2025 at 2:05PM UTC

    This is how it works in my workplace, too, and it’s really affected my self esteem. Being loudly enthusiastic, complying without asking questions, flattering managers. and “who you know” are more important to success in many workplaces than your actual work ethic or skills. Once they form their opinion of you, that’s it, so I am also looking for external opportunities. There are better and worse workplace situations, so hopefully you (and I) will find the environment where we are appreciated. Hang in there!

17. Bernadette M MartinezMarch 15,2025 at 12:49PM UTC

    It's like we work at the same place.... I can't stand it, either.

18. Robyn Lyn FonroseMarch 14,2025 at 2:45PM UTC

    Office politics play a significant role in career advancement, and nearly every workplace has some level of it. The extent to which it influences promotions varies by company. Some organizations prioritize performance, while others heavily factor in networking.

    In one company I worked for, managers would privately vote on who would receive promotion opportunities. Employees weren’t aware of this process, and those who advanced were often the ones who not only performed well but also built strong relationships with decision-makers.

    Early in my career, I believed that hard work alone would be enough to succeed. However, I learned that the ability to navigate office politics is a valuable soft skill. Some people naturally excel in this area, while others, like me, have to develop it intentionally. A book that helped me understand these dynamics was "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene. I highly recommend it for anyone looking to get ahead.

19. AnonymousMarch 14,2025 at 10:30PM UTC

    I also believed that results oriented delivery and being able to deliver projects on target, on time would be enough to excel in the workplace. I became entirely disillusioned when low information colleagues focused on processes and toolsets or joining committees, rather than becoming technically strong. Last September, I decided to leave the Tech sector permanently after 25 years. Working in that sector was one of the most thankless and self-consuming efforts I have been part of. Workplaces should be apolitical, get your shit done accurately and move on.

20. Titra HamiltonMarch 14,2025 at 4:34PM UTC

    Office politics is something I have always hated, but it is what it is. "Mary" is not your enemy but could be if you make her one. I would keep it nice and professional, but "long handle spoon her". No heavy lifts of work for her benefit only. Direct her to where to find the answers instead of just giving them to her. If your supervisors who are "fans of Mary" ask you for anything, document your contribution and resulting value delivered for your performance evaluation while you look for another role, if it comes to that. Consider asking for additional compensation if your efforts yield objective justification for one. Good luck.

21. Kelly QuinanaMarch 14,2025 at 4:48PM UTC

    Psalm 37:7-11 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. 8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret— For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land... But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity.

    Essentially do not be like them. ?

22. pauline jensenMarch 14,2025 at 6:35PM UTC

    Once you leave then they'll see what they lost (your skills and mgmt ability, etc), and what "Mary" lacks when she's not able to pull things off on her own.

23. nknetzell NaomiMarch 16,2025 at 8:05AM UTC

    Probably you won't be happy in such a company. Your well-being is always the most important thing. Never forget that. Are all managers at your company like this? Can you not be moved to a different team or ask for a different manager? Don't waste your time waiting for these people to change. They do not share your values. Please don't allow them to have this power over you. Trust your own values, do not doubt them. If you can't change the system, just walk away. You do not want to be part of this toxic way of working. Please do not support it giving it your performance at work. They will drain you. Don't be a slave of their system. Your heart is screaming. Learn to listen to it. Ask yourself, what do you want to fight for? Your life, your time, and your effort are gold wort. Be responsible with what you decide to invest them in - also for the sake of us all.

24. missbMarch 17,2025 at 9:11PM UTC

    I can attest to this. The world only rewards the fake and manipulative. The good ones always lose.