I'm having an issue with someone I work with.

26 Comments

1. AnonymousOctober 25,2025 at 12:55PM UTC

   You need to proactively let this person know first 1:1 that while you enjoy working with them you'd like to keep it focused on just that, work. The comments on your are unwanted and you would appreciate if they could no longer comment with it be observational or even a comment. If they continue to do it after you have asked them to stop, you go to HR to document. Good luck and sorry this is happening to you....

2. AnonymousOctober 25,2025 at 1:37PM UTC

   Maybe they have that affliction where they can’t recognize faces. I’d if were me I would plainly ask them to explain. I would say , “what specifically are you taking about?” Their explanation should be interesting. Then you can tell them their comments make you uncomfortable because you shouldn’t be required to explain anything about your personal appearance to coworkers or anyone else for that matter.

   if you want to really shut it down , the next time she says this in front of people you could say “ I find your scrutiny of my appearance to be quite rude and unless you have something constructive to say knock it off”. That’s a tad aggressive and probably not your style. But do ask her what she means and that should put a stop to it. Sounds like she’s a bully and probably does stuff like this to other people. Best not to try to be friends with this one. Just get them to move on to someone else.

3. ElizabethOctober 25,2025 at 7:10PM UTC

   Ask her "why do you say that?" With a smile. Always with a smile. Even if they have a petty attitude, they have to explain their point and put themselves about what they are trying to insinuate, or they back off because they know they would have to back it up and can't. I think Ann Landers wrote about this, referring to rude questions like "is your child adopted from Asia" or something. And usually they stop. It's worked for me and it stopped bullying for my daughter in high school. The other response I taught her when someone said something passive aggressive was. "ok?" And then go back to ignoring them. It worked.

4. Vicki SullivanOctober 25,2025 at 7:12PM UTC

   Make it clear in the moment that the comments are odd. Speak to the person one on one and tell them it is making you uncomfortable and they need to find something else to talk about.

5. SPQOctober 25,2025 at 9:35PM UTC

   Being able to address this 1-on-1 and diplomatically is important. Others have suggested excellent phrasing to use.

   Best not to jump to conclusions and "go to HR"... What if they are, indeed, neurodivergent? Like Tourette's or Asperger's, it could be the way they perceive and interact with the world that is making them say unwelcomed remarks. Best to schedule a private chat.

6. AnonymousOctober 26,2025 at 12:27PM UTC

   Say something privately that "you seem to say this every time you see me. Could you explain what you're trying to get across? It makes me wonder if I made a mistake in my choice of outfit or my hair looks messy today." This will make them aware that their comment is making you uncomfortable and they will likely stop. Another approach is to say "yes, that's me; I'm a chameleon, so you never know how I will look one day to the next. The one thing you can count on though is that it will always be fabulous!" Keep in mind that some people have face blindness and really struggle if a person wears their hair differently on different days; if it's in a ponytail on Tuesday, worn in a bun on Wednesday, curled in ringlets on Thursday and flat-ironed straight and worn down on Friday, or if the person actually wears different wigs according to mood, it may be very hard for the face blind person to even recognize them.

7. AnonymousOctober 26,2025 at 1:45PM UTC

   Pull her aside and ask privately what the intent of those comments are. Then let her know its not OK with you, nor relevant to your work.

   If you are not doing so already, document everything.

   May I ask, are you a woman of color? Perhaps a little older? Even if not this is bullying behavior.

8. AnonymousOctober 26,2025 at 4:03PM UTC

   Yes and older millennial.

9. AnonymousOctober 27,2025 at 12:35PM UTC

   I am so sorry. Unless she has a condition as other folks have discussed and needs a lesson on boundaries this sounds like classic micro aggression. Document everything. Have the talk with her privately. Then explore other options if this continues.

10. Dr. Patty GrossOctober 26,2025 at 2:14PM UTC

    One of the realities of gender is that women are expected to look different every day, and men are expected to look the same. Only men can get away with wearing the same outfit two days in a row. I'm not sure if this person is male or female, but it sounds like some form of underlying sexism. The other question I have is, does your appearance change intentionally from one day to the next? (Not that it really matters), I would respond with, "Thank you, I'm glad you noticed," and let it go. As one other said, this is bullying behavior, and the last thing a bully expects is a "thank you."

11. AnonymousOctober 26,2025 at 2:37PM UTC

    I would simply say, "I don't think my appearance is relevant here. I'd appreciate it if you didn’t comment on how I look. It makes me uncomfortable".

12. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 2:10PM UTC

    This is what they want.

13. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 2:49PM UTC

    When you start using vernacular like "uncomfortable", it's a flag to HR. It's the right way to confront her.

14. AnonymousOctober 26,2025 at 6:50PM UTC

    Answer with an exaggerated "no way!" Omg you are so amazing!!!! Always so complimentary!!!

15. AnonymousOctober 27,2025 at 2:33PM UTC

    I would ask her if she has face blindness. Sounds like it

16. Liz MilneOctober 28,2025 at 12:43AM UTC

    Ask her if she has prosopagnosia (face blindness) as she *always* seems to have trouble recognising people (make it sound like she does it to everyone)

    Or, ask her what she means, point out how often she's commenting and tell her it's making you uncomfortable as you don't understand what she's driving at, so please can she explain.

    Personally, I'd go with the first one, it'll be funnier!

17. Mary Lea McTurnanOctober 28,2025 at 2:16AM UTC

    The first one for sure ! Never tell a person who is demeaning yiutwhat bothers you. They’ll just intensify their efforts

18. Mary Lea McTurnanOctober 28,2025 at 2:14AM UTC

    I’d go direct : could you say specifically what is so different about my looks?

    ’i think it’s time for you to tell the group what it is that you are trying to say, but seemiingky can not. We are all curious.”

    or: just chuckle and say ‘good for you.” Every. Single.time

19. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 2:19PM UTC

    Book a 10 minute video call with them and let them know that respectfully you will no longer tolerate them commenting like that be kind when you say it and remind them that how you look is irrelevant to their working with you and others. If it continues you will file a complaint with HR. Let them know that there are boundaries to how you work with them and that is one that you are setting. After the meeting memorialize it in an email to them thanking them for the meeting and letting them know you wanted to record that you spoke about this. CC your personal email blindly. Save a hard copy too. Put it on your calendar as a private event as well. Now you have proof if it continues that this is some sort of harassment. Hopefully it does not need to go there but a short polite conversation directly with them should end it unless they are a gaslighter and have just chosen you as a target. Here's hoping not.

20. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 2:58AM UTC

    This needs to be done by email, with a clear and consistent paper trail.

21. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 11:49PM UTC

    I have been following this one since you posted it. Please do let us know after you have had the conversation.

22. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 4:54AM UTC

    I’d look her dead in the eye and ask “what do you mean?” In a confused tone - she’ll probably stop after the second or third time. She’s clearly trying to start something. Don’t rise to the bait.

    oh, and document!

23. Zeecil KimmelOctober 29,2025 at 1:04PM UTC

    I highly recommend Jefferson Fisher for how to put a bully in place. He is an amazing communication guide I follow on LinkedIn. Likely the right thing to say is "attention or insecurity" - she will ask "what?" and you say - "are you making these comments because you want attention or you are insecure?" Trust me, she will never comment again.

24. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 10:15PM UTC

    I would tell her my morning routine is the same every morning so maybe she should get her eyes checked. Sounds like she is jealous you have hybrid role and is trying to start trouble. Don't take the bait.

25. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 1:13PM UTC

    Have you had a 1-1 with her to inquire about her fascination with your appearance? Let her know that you appreciate her awareness but it makes you uncomfortable. Keep it short and sweet and that will probably end the drama. And this economy, don't blow shit up when it's really pretty minor.

26. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 5:55PM UTC

    Is this co-worker 5 years old? What is with this person? I would just comment that it's very weird that she/he says that everytime....like, nope! I'm the same person! Thanks!