Boss is discriminating against me for having cancer and honestly, I can't go to HR.

Anonymous

February 14,2023 at 8:15PM UTC

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Boss is discriminating against me for having cancer and honestly, I can't go to HR.

I started my current role in 2021 and had already been a cancer patient for almost a year. I was never secretive about my condition because there were uncertainties and I felt that my new boss needed to be privy to my reality.

Despite my status, I have missed very little work in two years. In fact, the most sick leave I've taken was when I fell and broke my foot and had to have surgery for it.

My boss has always acted a little weird and a bit overbearing with me, which I just attributed to them being a micromanager (they have all the hallmarks of that and do it to a lot of people). This past October, I had some issues related to my recovery and had to start a new medication that made it difficult for me to work in the office. Frankly, the bathroom was like 600 yards away and I really needed to be like 10 feet away. So I asked for an accommodation to work from home while temporarily on this medication. I was clear at the time that it was not a forever request and that I would come back to work as soon as I was done taking the medication.

Since that request, my boss has become unbearable. While I can cite multiple examples of the behavior that is causing me distress, I will simply use the one from this morning.

I am scheduled to travel internationally for work to an event where all of my colleagues in a collaboration will be. I have never met any of them, and this is a big deal for us. My boss informed me this morning that I will not be traveling for the event because they are concerned for my health.

To be clear, my condition has never impacted my ability to do my job and I have traveled for work before. In fact, I just traveled for work for two weeks in January that took me to two separate locations without ever coming home. In the past year, I have been on 7 work trips of a week or more in length.

I challenged this and said that I would like to be the one making determinations about my health.

My boss then came back and made thin reasons for why I could not go that didn't make sense. They just clearly found themselves being challenged for making decisions about my health and wanted to find a way to get their way.

I have repeatedly expressed that it is necessary for me to meet my colleagues from the collaboration and that this event is the only time I will be able to meet them all at once. It is very rare for everyone to be in the same location. There are also other big reasons to be present at the event and meaningful work that I could be involved in and lead.

I am fully aware that this is discrimination and medical harassment.

But I can't go to HR. If I go to HR, I know that my boss will make my life unbearable and I will have to leave my job. The bigger problem is that I know their personality and the way that they take action to undercut and undermine people they don't like so I know I could never prove it was retaliation.

I'm miserable because this is not the only time my boss has held me back from doing my job based on my health. And I suspect that they are holding me back from being promoted because of the same reason. They have decided that I am incapable of doing my job because I am ill. They have completely infantilized me and disabled me.

This is even more painful because I'm quite young. Under 40. I don't need someone treating me like I am dying. I'm not dying.

What I need is solidarity. Please no one come at me telling me to quit or get a lawyer. Obviously, if I could just up and quit, I would do so and I cannot do so. Having cancer is exhausting and expensive. As is suing someone for discrimination.

I just need to know there are people out there who understand what I am experiencing and can tell me how they have held on and stayed positive when faced with these types of scenarios.

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Antoinette VanSchaickFebruary 15,2023 at 1:06AM UTC
I feel for you. My mom had breast cancer in 1997. She tried to return to work but was unable to do so.
I would think that under the ADA they would have to make certain accommodations for you. I know you're afraid to go to HR; however, if you really feel you are being discriminated against, it really should be addressed. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results. Your HR person might be very supportive, and you might discover that they're trying not to overwork you because stress does hamper recovery.
The other thing is that if they're really mistreating you, once you're fully recovered and in remission, you should seriously consider making a move. No one deserves to be mistreated at their job for any reason. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and ask my mom, who's now my guardian angel, to watch over you.
AnonymousFebruary 16,2023 at 1:22PM UTC
While I can appreciate your point of view, it is not their decision to make. My rights prohibit them from making employment decisions about me and my workload that are due to my cancer unless I have requested an accommodation for this purpose. I have requested no accommodation against travel, and asked to go back to the office proper five weeks ago (they just don't have an office for me right now... I used to share with another manager on alternating days but they have come back full time).
They required me to travel 7 other times since May for lengthy periods. I traveled for personal reasons last week, and the prior weekend. I have literally spent less time at home than on the road in the past year. If I don't go on this trip in particular, I will be questioned by our operating organizations, and it will look as if my illness is preventing me from doing the core requirements of my job. In reality, it's boss smothering me with illegal requirements that is preventing me from doing my job.
There's this incredibly deep demoralization that I'm feeling about this. It's not up to them to decide that I'm too stressed out to recover. What they are doing to me is what's actually stressing me out. I'm good at my job and completely capable of my job; my 25% is everyone else's 100%. What I need to recover and feel good is to continue living my life and I keep telling them that and my supervisor just keeps smothering me.
AnonymousFebruary 19,2023 at 2:30PM UTC
So you are ok enough to travel, but not ok enough to work in the office because the bathroom is too far away? Something is not adding up. Seems selective to me on your part.
Meghan RoadFebruary 19,2023 at 2:57PM UTC
The bathroom issue was the result of a temporary medication she was taking. She may no longer be taking that medication, hence the bathroom is no longer an issue.
Nova SmithFebruary 15,2023 at 3:17PM UTC
I entirely understand. I have been out of the workforce full-time since 2003 because of a disability. I am trying to get back into the workforce and nobody wants to hire me because I lack work experience. You need to let yourself be sick so that you can heal. You may have to collect disability and live with someone who supports you till you get better. Dying is not a good alternative.
AnonymousFebruary 16,2023 at 1:23PM UTC
This is not helpful. I am not ill in a way that requires me to go on disability or to not have a job. In my original post I specifically stated that being ill has never stopped me from doing my job a single time.
AnonymousFebruary 15,2023 at 3:28PM UTC
Something similar happened when I was working on my Masters's degree. I have always wanted to visit Africa, and there was an opportunity for a "multi-cultural immersion" class that would travel to Ghana. When I went to the health department to get my shots, one of them was for Yellow Fever, a "live virus" immunization. When they asked if I had any immune deficiencies, I said yes, and explained my condition to them. They refused the vaccine unless I got a prescription from my hematologist.
When I went to the doctor, I told him I either needed a letter explaining why I could not get the vaccine (a requirement for obtaining the visa) or a prescription to get the vaccine from the health department. Because of my immunodeficiency, there was an outside chance I could get yellow Fever from the vaccine, which he explained. He then told me I could get the vaccine and risk catching it and have it treated here in the US or risk catching Yellow Fever while I was in Africa. For me, the decision was easy, so I asked him for the prescription. The professor/sponsor of the trip told me if I had not been able to get the vaccine, even with the visa waiver, they would not have allowed me to go on the trip due to liability concerns.
I know that the "big C" is scary to many people, but you should not be treated as contagious or fragile. If I had been denied the trip because of the vaccine, or even my immune deficiency, I would have had a similar reaction. On the other hand, bosses also have to consider the liability of sending someone overseas with a known chronic condition (although it sounds like yours is no longer chronic) and dealing with medical care not covered by the company's group insurance.
If they are not allowing you promotions or accommodations, this could violate ADA rules, and you could reach out to the EEOC to see your options.
AnonymousFebruary 16,2023 at 1:14PM UTC
Actually, everything they're doing violates federal law. They cannot prohibit me from doing any part of my job. They can ask for a letter from my doctor indicating that I'm well enough to do this portion of my job, but they cannot make a decision about it in this fashion. I have the letter in hand.
Again, this is really about figuring out how to deal with this infantilization because it's more depressing than being sick.
AnonymousFebruary 16,2023 at 1:44PM UTC
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so unnecessary. My job also treated me with kid gloves after a brain tumor and a post-surgical hemorrhagic stroke. They only did it when it suited them, forcing me back to work before I was ready during the COVID pandemic to do client-facing work with a vulnerable population.
With your stipulation on not going to HR, an attorney, or looking for another job, my suggestion would be to talk to your oncologist's office and see if they can help you find a good therapist who can help you work through your issues of self-doubt, depression, and anger. You will have to change because they are not going to, and you are the only one you have control over.
AnonymousFebruary 16,2023 at 1:24PM UTC
As I mentioned, I cannot afford an attorney at this time. I am looking for solidarity and help from those who have had a similar experience and can tell me how they have worked through the negative emotions.
AnonymousFebruary 19,2023 at 4:36PM UTC
In reading the comments, most everyone is recommending you either seek out an attorney and/or contact your states employment bureau.
All of us reading your post understand that you don’t want to rock the boat but until you draw a line in the sand with them, they are going to keep doing this until you either quit (which is probably what they are working towards and hoping you’ll do).
Speaking to attorney will at least give you a neutral parties perspective on the situation and at the very least, and no disrespect intended, let you know you aren’t crazy.
AnonymousFebruary 16,2023 at 1:32PM UTC
First, see if you can get the attorney to write a letter to your employer without paying a retainer. They can be very skilled at informing the company of their violations so that the company knows it will be costly NOT to comply. It could also be expensive for them to do anything considered retaliation. Some attorneys will file a lawsuit on contingency. Their settlement percentage is higher than if you pay a retainer and an hourly fee, but it could be cheaper in the long run with no up-front costs.
AmyFebruary 16,2023 at 8:43PM UTC
first off I am so sorry you have to deal with someone like that. It is unfair of them to make decisions for you without consulting with you.
second if you did go to HR I would do it in writing and bCC your personal email address so you can have all the documentation in writing. If your boss was to come at you and retaliate in anyway it is a federal law that they can not retaliate. I know you said you don’t wNt a lawyer but there is a good chance you should consider it. For your protection and benefit as if they were to fire you some states could also withhold unemployment benefits if they employer gives certain reasons for termination.
look out for yourself first
AnonymousFebruary 17,2023 at 1:29PM UTC
There are employment attorneys that work on contingency. Don’t assume you will be OOP for a lawyer.
AnonymousFebruary 18,2023 at 1:32AM UTC
Obtain an employment attorney asap! 95% will do a consultation for free. Seek out several for comparison.
AnonymousFebruary 19,2023 at 1:34PM UTC
Contact EEOC in your state they are violating the law. Once you file the complaint they will contact the employer. The biggest thing they are doing is discriminating against you because of your disability. That is why the disability act was put into place to prevent this from happening. Once EEOC investigates and finds your complaints valid you will have lawyers begging to take the case, which I would then sue them for discrimination and they more than likely would settle out of court.
AnonymousFebruary 19,2023 at 2:44PM UTC
Just talk to some EEOC people. They will have contacts who can help you. EEOC does not require you to have a lawyer. In my experience. It helped.
AnonymousFebruary 19,2023 at 4:44PM UTC
My situation is similar but not the same: I was micromanaged, denied promotions and raises, and asked to provide excessive documentation during my child's FMLA protected condition. I struggled with the trauma of the mental and emotional toll on my child in addition to the change in treatment at work. Example: during an emergency transport of my child, I was contacted directly by phone to clarify my timesheet which was completed exactly as requested. The timing of the request was very poor and inconsiderate to me as I was following an ambulance carrying my child.
I realized the negative feelings regarding work were affecting mostly me, and that I could only be responsible for my own responses and reactions. I focused on Emotional Intelligence building. It centered me and gave me ways to deal with my own feelings. It helped me manage my responses and be respectful even if the other person was not. I did not have the energy to add another battle at that time.
When things settled down, my supervisor let me know she had been going through a tough time with her supervisor criticizing her work and a sick parent. She thanked me for keeping it professional and apologized for taking it out on me. She admitted she had been wrong, and appreciated my continued professionalism and quality of work. She asked me why I treated her well and cared when I didn't have to. I told her that is who I am.
I respect that you know your limits and where you need to focus your time and energy for your own well being. I don't know if this will help you. No hard feelings if this isn't what you need. I also journal, read uplifting books, listen to music, meditate, and make time to relax. I hope you can break though the negative emotions and keep the strength to continue toward healing.
AnonymousFebruary 21,2023 at 8:03PM UTC
As a survivor that has gone through some similar things and also an HR professional I would suggest you find an employment attorney. This link is a great place to educate yourself about what they can and cannot do. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla/workplace-protections-for-individuals-cancer
Now there is another dilemma, you did share that you need to WFH because of distance from the bathroom? Even if you did not the suggestion that you need to be home vs out and about is likely where they made a business decision about international travel and your condition. Their liability insurance may be a limiting factor that you might not be aware of. If you provide them with a doctors note telling them that you are cleared to travel for that trip then they cannot treat you differently that others in a similar role unless they are say only sending 1-2 from the whole team vs the whole team. If they treat you differently solely on the basis of your condition then you have a legal case, period. You definitely need to sit down with HR and since you did disclose up front walk them through how you will provide doctors notes and let them know where you need the accommodations and where you do not. Let them know you have engaged an attorney since you are not one and that you did so because you're learning about this complex situation just like they are. If you make it a positive one vs a me against the boss conversation you can educate them and get through this situation cleanly without needless drama and stress- things that no cancer patient needs. Most people do not understand what cancer means and they immediately think death sentence. That being said, you could additionally take FMLA and then spend the time to heal without thinking about work. I do regret in my own situation that I did not do that. After all no one goes to their grave wishing they worked one more day. Don't forget to take care of you first. Good luck and we support you!
AnonymousFebruary 21,2023 at 10:05PM UTC
OK, I can see that you do not want a lawyer, because that would probably create more conversations and difficulties for you at work. Someone posted for you to go to the EEOC; if you find this continuously unbearable, it is free to file with the EEOC but it is for specific violations. So I have some different solutions for you:(1) Have your doctor write a letter, stating that you can travel, work, etc.(2) Bring this letter to them, and let them know that you would not like to be treated any differently than the other employees. Provide examples.(3) Let management know that you enjoy your work and would like to stay and grow. realize that they might be holding you back from meeting all of these people because they might be thinking of moving you to a different position where you would not be working with all of these people (just a thought). Keep your resume fresh and out there.