I started a new job recently but while I'm friendly to everyone I'm getting the cold shoulder; I recently learned that the person everyone wanted to be promoted was pushed side for me and no matter how I try to appease the situation I'm getting the 'Frozen' treatment.

18 Comments

1. Zayda HernandezMay 13,2023 at 5:26PM UTC

   That person was not chosen for a reason. My opinion would be to make some inquiries with your boss if any of the team members were considered for your position and what deficiencies made them not go that path. I would then take that person under your wing and mentor them. Focus on each member separately instead of a pack and focus on their strengths if you use good leadership traits all will fall in place:

2. Erin VegaMay 14,2023 at 12:43PM UTC

   So I've tried replying to this post six times but somehow ended up being interrupted with one thing or another. My first reply was about 40 pages long..LOL With that being said I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet if at all possible. :)

   Sorry you are going through this and you definitely don't deserve this treatment. But this is the time for you to step up to the plate Like A Boss!! First suggestion is keep the VP in the back of your pocket for right now. If any suggestions that you try don't work then bring VP in as a last resort.

   1. You need to find an allie and that person if they are still with the company is the person that was supposed to be put in your position. Have a one on one or maybe take them to lunch. Be an active listener and see what you can do to help get everyone regrouped. Let this person know that you are sorry they were not promoted but that you need their help with getting the group all on the same page for the success of the company.
   2. So now hopefully you have the allie, now it's time to tackle the group. If their are team funds maybe hold a get to know you session. Have the allie participate in planning the event if able to. When the team gets together again be the active listener and show your appreciation for their work. You must kill them with kindness...and food...LOL.
   3. Start the day with a 10-minute team debrief. This actually worked for a team I was on. Now when you are starting out it's probably going to take a least a mont to get down to a 10-minute debrief. Here's an example of my debrief template:

   10-Minute Team Debrief

   Date:

   Start Time:

   End time:

   In attendance: (I have names listed here of our team members and anyone not attending the meeting is highlighted and followed up on after the meeting)

   Moderator: (Each of my team members has a day of the week that they are run the meeting. They come up with the debrief agenda, taking notes of the debrief, and following up on any items that still need to be resolved.

   First, the moderator goes around the room asking if there were any issues the prior day and what the team member would be working on or if they had any questions. The moderator will jump in and tell the team members that ramble on that they can offline those questions.

   Next is me to praise, critique, and praise the team. Always start and end positive.

   Then my favorite part of debrief is something we started in 2020, so after the praise, critique, praise, the moderator then goes around the room to every team member and asks them to share who they had helped out the prior day and / or a kudos shout out to a co-worker. You would be amazed at what some of my team members do to help.

   Finally the moderator ends the meeting with a motivational quote.

   We not only hold 10-min debriefs daily but every quarter we have a team brainstorming dinner with drinks

   If nothing you try to do to get the team regrouped this is when you need to go to your manager to let them know what's going on.

   I would suggest if you start having meetings or what not that the very first meeting you put your foot down with their bratty behavior. That you all didn't need to be friends but rather a cohesive team that works well togther and respects each other so that the company can succeed. Let them know that you are there to help them and that you appreciate their hard work.

   Sorry so long and if you got to the end, just wanted to say that I know you can definitely handled this Like A Boss!!

3. Mary PoolMay 14,2023 at 2:35PM UTC

   If you know the person, try acknowledging them and empathizing with them. For the person who told you you are not wanted there, that needs to be addressed (or let this one slide depending upon how long ago it was, but next time have a response ready). The comment was utterly unprofessional and discourteous; that can't be tolerated. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to elicit this person's behavior or to allow it to continue?" Your inaction speaks volumes for you.

   Consider saying something like, "If you believe you cannot work with me, how can I facilitate you in finding another position?” “I love this job. I have no plans to leave; either you work with the team or need to find another team." Something gentler might also work, “I’m sorry you feel this way; however, that doesn’t mean you can stop performing your duties.” (Refusing to interact with you is beyond unprofessional and needs to be addressed as well.)

   We teach people how to treat us by how we respond to how they treat us. You are not the victim here; you are the boss. It's time to take ownership of the role you've been playing. Then and only then will the behavior change as well. Relationships are mutually defined, and the give-and-take never stops. This is a case of enabling; you are encouraging poor behavior. Ask yourself, “Am I getting the change of behavior I want to see?” If the answer is “no,” then you are enabling. This is an excellent article from A Conscious Rethink, https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/11689/teach-people-treat-you/. Then this article in BND https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/9145-employee-disrespect-effect.html

   Remember the quote, “Be careful what you tolerate. You are teaching people how to treat you.” Also, keep in mind you are their manager, not their friend. You don’t need their approval, but they need yours! Stop acting like you are in a high school environment and start acting like you are in a professional environment. Once your behavior changes, theirs will as well. Good luck, this is tough, but things should smooth out after a few months of addressing the issues.

4. AnonymousMay 14,2023 at 2:38PM UTC

   Thank you both and from asking those difficult questions, I discovered that a team member that I manage wasn't chosen for the role. The rest of the team actually said that they will continue to back that person and won't listen to me. One of the others said that the other woman stepped up for a year and ran the department so she should have be chosen and if they make my life hard enough, I'll quit and that person would be hired to avoid another lengthy recruitment process.

   I said in the middle of the meeting that I'm sorry the team member person wasn't chosen for their sake and appreciated the job that she did (had a separate meeting with her as well and conveyed that sentiment) but I'm here and not leaving.

   From a male counterpart outside of the department, I found out that the other woman rubs SLT the wrong way but is excellent at her job. The team might not realize what's going on behind the scenes.

   I'm holding weekly one-on-one meetings and half the team is remote and won't sign on while a few of the others call in sick on their meeting days. Final the ones that do attend the meetings have their arms crossed the whole time like their not listening but there as required. I've managed other teams before but this is the first time I've had a whole team of 15 employees refuse to even work with me or show up.

   As Erin mentioned, I don't want to get the VP involved as I feel like it's tattling and that won't endear me to my team. I'm at my wits end as this has been going on for two months. When they are in a meeting with higher ups they go out of their way to make me look bad or others that we're one big happy family until the big shots leave. I'll keep trying but I'm also starting to job search.

5. Mary PoolMay 14,2023 at 3:15PM UTC

   You know, there just isn’t enough out there on the topic. There are three books on Amazon Working with the Enemy by Donald Young, Collaborating with the Enemy by Adam Kahane, and Dealing with Difficult People by Roberta Cava.

   One thing I have done in the past that has been very successful is to meet individually with everyone (in person, if possible, definitely not on Zoom, no recordings) and let them spew whatever they want. It would be a one-time, say-what-you-think deal, absolutely no negative consequences meeting. My questions are: “What do you think is right with the department?” “What do you think is wrong with the department?” What would you change if you could?” “How can your skills be put to better use?” “Who do you think is the problem employee in the department? Why?” “Are there areas of interest you would like to move into?” “How can I help you with that?” If they become abusive, say, “I will not be treated disrespectfully. I treat you with respect; I expect the same in return. This meeting is for your benefit; if you choose not to participate respectfully, that is up to you; but I will consider that for future assignments.” You might find that they are being bullied into this behavior (it has happened).

   If this doesn’t work, I wonder if a discussion with the VP is not in order. Perhaps in generic terms, “The team doesn’t seem to be jelling. Perhaps we should consider being everyone into the office.” “There is a lot of resentment that XYZ didn’t get the position; I’d like to take stronger steps to discourage the disrespectful attitude towards the department. I believe it is beginning to affect our productivity.”

   Then use the threat of no remote work as a consequence for not cooperating with the Zoom meetings (not just attending, but participating). People love their remote work, and this will be a motivator. I’d also start writing people up for not attending the meetings, even if they called in sick. Document, document, document. When they go out of their way to make you look bad, call them in, confront them directly, then document it in an email. This is a direct assault on you. Stop trying to endear yourself to them. To put it succinctly, you are being too nice. Until things change, no nice, all professional.

   I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so unfair.

6. Mary PoolMay 14,2023 at 3:19PM UTC

   Also, it is not tattling to bring to the attention of upper managers significant problems within a department. Not addressing them and hiding them from upper management is not doing your job! You are being forced out. That is not okay. Your manager is there to help; they are a valuable resource to you. Use them.

7. Audrey KirschMay 15,2023 at 8:34PM UTC

   What kind of H.S. mean girl B.S. is this? The person who got passed over should be pissed but at the organization, not you. You had nothing to do with it and no idea she was even interested. You need to get that message out to the team. Empathize with the situation, but make it clear that they are directing their anger at the wrong person. Let them know you have a job to do and they can either get onboard or get gone. NO ONE is irreplaceable these days. Having a team that gets along is preferrable but you're going to have to start writing people up if they continue to undermine your efforts. Keep it professional. Don't act in response to harsh comments but rather document any projects not getting completed or specific instructions not being followed. I'll bet you find others in the company that are a little tired of the way this group thinks they run things.

8. Brenda CrawshawMay 16,2023 at 2:35PM UTC

   Oh that's just absolutely RIDICULOUS.

   I am going to flip the coin and recommend you bring in ALL the upper management tangential to your role but in a positive way.

   I would get to a benchmark date - like 90 days or four weeks or whatever is next - and send them an "official" status report. Start by outlining what you've accomplished (completed X training, wrote Y protocols etc). Make it all about what you've been doing as an EMPLOYEE.

   Then move to your role as the MANAGER. Share what you've learned as dispassionately as you can. "It was shared with me that soandso wanted the position and was very disappointed to not get it. It is my understanding that this sentiment is shared by the entire team. It has been shared with me that it the expectation of the team that if I am made uncomfortable enough I will leave and soandso will be given the position."

   Then drop the bomb - "I want to assure you that I am fully committed to whatever efforts, creativity and strategies needed to create a fully functioning team. I am confident that with time and the proper communication I can resolve the issues that have been shared with me. I may at some point ask for suggestions on how to deploy strategies or plans of action I believe will be most effective to ensure that you are able to take full advantage of my experience, skills and insights that you recognized when you brought me on board."

   Then, when dealing with the toddlers who are on your team, make it ALL about the job and NOT AT ALL about you. This might be tricky. You can't do anything about their piss-poor attitudes when on the meetings but if they are actually blocking out what you say and they, say, miss a deadline or refuse to produce work covered in the meeting when they were having their tantrum, note that in email and on your calendar. Do you record your meetings? I would start now if you aren't. Bonus points if in the email you can say "In the group meeting on Tuesday at 11 minutes in we covered the client expectations and it was established that the memo would be in by COB the day before." Use as much "we" language as you can.

   Send ALL emails to the team with delivered AND read receipts. Think like a lawyer - you will need this for at least some of them later.

   If people don't sign on, send individual emails to each of them stating that they missed the meeting. Provide them with a link to the recording and/or your meeting notes and let them know whatever your expectations are (respond to questions, pick up one assignment, etc.). Follow up.

   Be polite and friendly but no nonsense. SO much easier said than done. When/if someone does what you feel is an outstanding job, publicly call them out on it. All good stuff goes public; all bad stuff, no matter how publicly done, gets handled privately.

   Then as you build evidence - and sadly that's what it is - you can use that to follow the HR process outlined for subordination, poor performance, etc. All it will take is a couple of these short sighted babies to get the boot and they will snap to.

   Also agree with sitting down with soandso who didn't get the position, let her know you are aware of what happened, tell her that you know it must be very difficult for her, and acknowledge that she must be an excellent performer if she were able to carry that weight. If you think you can, give her plum assignments. Ask her opinion on things but be aware she might steer you astray. Form an allyship with her if possible.

   You sound like you've got it going on in a good way so my money's on you!

9. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 3:26PM UTC

   I was in a very similar situation 2 years ago. I was building out a newly formed team, a spin-off of another team and they’d all thought someone on that team would build the new one out but they weren’t qualified and found me. The 2 teams were to work closely and that didn’t go well bc those team leaders were so upset I joined. I dealt with subordinate team members not logging in for meetings or half ass logging in from odd places, never in a home office. One girl would literally not even change out of gym clothes. Very unprofessional behavior etc (not to this extreme, yours is next level) and it all changed after I let the ringleader go. I let the others know if they don’t shape up they’re next. And behavior changed. Quickly.

   Start documenting EVERYTHING. Tell your VP bc if it gets to this level where you have to start proving points, you will look bad for not saying something earlier. Good luck!

10. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachMay 14,2023 at 3:08PM UTC

    Oh my. While I appreciate your desire to not involve the VP, you must. Do it positively. “Just an FYI, the team is struggling with me as an outside hire, but I’m patient and working on the relationships”.

    If remote people don’t sign in to meetings call then on it— let them know that if it happens again it will impact performance reviews but you’ll let this time go. Ping them when they don’t sign in.

    For those calling in sick, pop-in when they are in and tell them it’s time to chat to make up for missed meeting.

    In the meantime show them you’re a good boss by listening to them, empathizing with how they feel and simply saying there is likely a reason your superiors didn’t choose the internal candidate and you all need to move forward.

    Can you do something spontaneous and fun, like take them to lunch or breakfast or for an afternoon team building activity? I suggest spontaneous so they don’t call in sick! Get to know them and vice versa. Be patient with the process. But keep your boss in the loop. Otherwise they may successfully sabatage you. Good luck!

11. Mary PoolMay 14,2023 at 6:09PM UTC

    I contacted my daughter, who works in middle management. She said not to go to the VP until you have tried other alternatives and only go with viable solutions for them to choose from. She recommends these two books: Crucial Conversations by Al Switzler, et al. and The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick M. Lencioni.

12. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 4:23PM UTC

    I would strongly suggest you bring specifics to your leadership but continue to stay the course with your role. Be firm about the expectations of your team and let them know that you were not a factor in anyones decision to hire a new person for the role you are in and also for not promoting someone they liked to see in the role. Let them know that you expect collaboration and respect and care deeply about making them all successful. Give it time, some people do not react well to change you surely can make it past this silly behavior.

13. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 12:46PM UTC

    You are a manager, manage. You are allowing your team to dismiss you and accepting unprofessional treatment. You don’t need to come down like a ton of bricks, you do need to take control. Set the expectations. Meet one on one with each of them. Validate their feelings AND give a path forward. It is hard when to think management doesn’t do what you think is the obvious thing. And there is still a job to do. You expect to treat your team members with courtesy snd expect the same in return. This means X, Y, Z…

    What Kind of authority do you actually have? Can you give performance improvement plans?

    During one of your own meetings with your manager mention that the team is still resentful that Mary didn’t get the promotion and this is what you are doing to build the team morale.

    Managment is looking to you to manage. You walk a fine line here with being seen as unable to. There are coaches who specialize in helping in situations like this. You might want to work with one to help develop the skills you need to handle this.

14. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 12:50PM UTC

    Befriend the person they wanted to get the job. Don’t ask for advice but make an alliance of sorts so you both can move up together. Once the person that was passed over shows they accept you, the rest will follow suit.

    Also Who hired you? They need to be made aware of the situation since this is a no vote for them too. Don’t ask for their help because it makes you look like a whiny baby. Just mention that there is this obstacle that may impede your efforts early on and they should know. Assure them that you are making an effort to resolve it.

15. Milissa JacobsMay 16,2023 at 12:58PM UTC

    Manage your team. As soon as you are able, start replacing these petty highschoolers with people that you know and trust. I guarantee that as soon as the first person is replaced, the rest will have a marked change in their attitudes.

16. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 1:01PM UTC

    Fire them all and find a new staff that can act like grown ups

17. Kimberly AnneMay 16,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

    I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It is truly o e of the most horrible feelings I ever experienced and recently too. I start a new entry level job for extra money in healthcare. I didn’t tell anyone about me and my life situation, it’s not I am millionaire. Lol. However, as soon as people figured out that I wasn’t there for the healthcare, I started to get ignored even more so and even bullied at times. No one ever asked one question about me. Not one. Which was odd. I did ask simple cordial questions and listened to everyone and no one ever once asked me anything. Soon I was being bullied then ignored. There was alot of favtorusm too. Healthcare needs people but I guess they only want people who certain people like.

18. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 6:13PM UTC

    I had the same thing happen at a large tech company that I was thrilled to be working for. My manager was no help - he said "not to let it bother me." He should have told me that one of the people reporting to me had applied for the position AND that the person I replaced was adored and had been forced into retirement. Lucky me. I met one on one with each person that reported to me (all 18 of them) and gradually won a few over and then the scales began to tip. It took several months but things did get better. The person who wanted my position was the hardest - she was sneaky, passive-aggressive, and did things to sabotage me. One day she came to me complaining about a cross-functional peer that she felt was undermining her. I took the opportunity to tell her I knew exactly how she felt because that was how she made me feel. She finally owned it, we had a clearing-out conversation and the next three years that I was there were pretty good. BUT - I never turned my back on her and never fully trusted her.