My coworker's mother passed away unexpectedly, and the department worked together to get a card, collect funds and order a plant.

Anonymous

April 26,2023 at 2:08AM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

My coworker's mother passed away unexpectedly, and the department worked together to get a card, collect funds and order a plant. She had a normal family and relationships, and was able to hold a memorial service. Soon after her mother passed, I learned that my mom's sister had died, then my mother became sick suddenly after that news. She never recovered and passed away two weeks later. My family is not normal, there are estrangements and bitter feelings. My father did not hold a memorial and did not want to see anyone, so I didn't go home. My department did not acknowledge my mom's passing, no card, just a couple of people said "I'm sorry". When I mentioned to my boss that it has been a difficult time (and it was for my coworker, she cried a lot for days, everyone gave her empathy, and space), I was flatly told that is what EAP is for. I would have never expected money or flowers under the circumstances but just a card and some understanding would have been comforting. It hurts worse when a family is torn apart and someone dies, because death means that no hope of reconciliation can ever take place. I'm not sure how to deal with this, probably there is nothing to be done, it just hurt hearing my coworker receive empathy and support, but to be told by my supervisor to use EAP.

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

22 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

22 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousApril 26,2023 at 2:27AM UTC
Aww, big hugs and ears to listen and hear what you are feeling and experiencing right now. Your department's behavior is so unkind and unthoughtful and to experience the grief on top of that is unimaginable. It reinforces the estrangement wounds that have been a part of your family dynamic is what this almost sounds like.
I feel that your Department showed themselves to be who they really are with these gestures (or lack thereof). I think of the Maya Angelou quote here.
EAP ain't going to cut it by itself as there is so much to process, heal, etc. Do you have a support system outside of work? Is there a possible way to work remotely? The reason why I say that it may help to focus on tasks and not be around that kind of energy.
AnonymousApril 26,2023 at 2:38AM UTC
My heart goes to you. I don't think your department really understands what you are going through. I will be frank, I recently lost several relatives in a short amount of time and the grief hit me hard. I realized then that I did not always know what others were going ghrough before and probably did not show a lot of empathy to others in the past. It still does not excuse the lack of support from the department, but may just explain some dynamics. I would look for support groups that lost close family members to share experiences and find solace. Only people who have experienced loss themselves can truly get it. Again, sorry for your loss!
Lisa SaxeApril 26,2023 at 4:05AM UTC
I'm sorry for your loss and for the lack of acknowledgment and empathy from your manager and co-workers. It is hurtful but try to give your co-workers the benefit of the doubt so you don't harbor long term resentments that can affect your work. In many, if not most instances, the way someone reacts (or doesn't) is more about them than you. And there may have been some group-think happening. No excuse but if you didn't appear outwardly upset and didn't miss work for the funeral, some colleagues perhaps thought there were some bad or complicated feelings and didn't know how to react. People rarely behave as we want them to. Sigh.
Your manager, on the other hand, could have been empathetic. No excuse there. Depending upon your relationship with your boss, you could clear the air and mention that you were surprised and hurt by lack a sympathetic acknowledgment from him/her and you hope it doesn't happen to anyone else. (I would leave out the comparison of outpouring for your colleague.)
It's harder to lose someone when there is unfinished business or no chance for resolution. I wish you peace.
AnonymousApril 26,2023 at 4:07AM UTC
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and that this dismissal in your workplace made a difficult situation even worse for you. I had a similar experience with a coworker losing her ex-husband (father of her nearly adult children) and everyone making a big fuss over her, then no one beyond my immediate team (not even my director) expressing condolences when my ex-husband (and father of my children) passed a few months later. Same thing happened when my mother died - also complicated relationship similar to what you describe. We just have different relationships with some coworkers and I found my support elsewhere. At least my immediate team cares and my new director was wonderfully supportive when my dad passed a few months ago.
AnonymousApril 26,2023 at 11:46AM UTC
A big hug for you! You can see from the other comments that this is unfortunately all too common. I do want to add that often the people who are supported by co-workers in this way have been there a long time and talked a lot about the person who passed. Others feel like they have gotten to know the person, or have actually met them at events. I myself have estranged family members, who I never talk about, because I don't want everyone to know my family business. I fear I may never get to reconcile.
Use the EAP to find a grief counselor or survivor's group that also has estranged family that passed. There are a lot of us out there. You will get more genuine support that you would from people at the office that never had to deal with this sort of thing and can't understand it. Don't take your boss's/co-workers reaction personally. It has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with their own experiences (or lack thereof).
AnonymousApril 26,2023 at 4:43PM UTC
Check your company’s bereavement policy. If you need time, it is your right to take it. They may get the message if you request the time you need. So sorry for your loss.
AnonymousApril 27,2023 at 2:47AM UTC
When my grandpa passed, keep in my this man raised me for many years. Only like two said they were sorry. My work did nothing. I always thought if there was a close death they send flowers or a card. I am very very sorry to hear about your loss. Please take care of yourself
AnonymousApril 27,2023 at 12:54PM UTC
I am very sorry for your loss. My own family is very dysfunctional, and when death has come it results in disenfranchised grief. This kind of grief is rarely understood,acknowledged, or supported, by the vast majority of people whether at work or elsewhere. This adds to the feelings of sorrow and isolation for the survivor. As others have recommended, I hope you will look for a support group, grief counselor, or pastor, to help you process your feelings around this loss. Even if you do something online instead of in person it will likely be worthwhile. I hope you find peace.
AnonymousApril 27,2023 at 2:08PM UTC
I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, am in a dysfunctional family, with several of us not speaking to each other. When my mother passed two years ago, I took off when I heard she was moved to "comfort care" and not expected to live very long. It was a horrible three weeks, most of the time trying to navigate not being at the same place at the same time as other family members to avoid "drama." My company was understanding and generous with the personal and bereavement time, and I was not docked much PTO.
What happened to you is why many companies have policies against fundraising (in particular). The most they will do is put a card together for everyone to sign and provide an obituary in case anyone wants to send flowers or a memorial gift personally. Sometimes the company has a budget for sending condolence flowers. I agree that just because you didn't miss work or go away for a funeral is no excuse for thinking you are not grieving. Your supervisor's comments were cold and heartless. I would ask for bereavement leave (usually three days for a parent or child) to put your head back into perspective.
AnonymousApril 27,2023 at 11:12PM UTC
My condolences on your loss. Your supervisor's statement is harsh. It's best for you to seek mental therapy or counseling. EAP is not sufficient. You have been through a lot and have devastating losses, you need to seriously talk with a mental heath counselor or therapist. Seek your support there. Although your coworkers actions seem insensitive, forgive them.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 10:41AM UTC
Small company I’m with if it’s a family member (immediate) that passes your given 3 days total. No cards, flowers nothing. If it’s outside of that it’s a vacation or unpaid day. When I was 20 and lost my mom suddenly I worked with a boxed store chain and I was given 24 off unpaid and scheduled the next day. I try to remind myself it’s just business. I’m sorry for your loss and that people aren’t as understanding as you’d hope them to be!
Cyndy TrivellaApril 28,2023 at 1:06PM UTC
Reading this brought back a flood of memories and feelings. I experienced the same situation and yes, it stung and was hurtful. I don’t know if my story will help you to sort through yours and understand your employer’s actions, but I hope you can glean something from it.
When my mom passed, it crushed our family. She was the glue and we were a very close knit family. It took me over a year to adjust and mentally get right with her passing. At her funeral, both my sisters asked me why my employer didn’t send flowers, as theirs did. I honestly didn’t know, so I couldn’t say.
When I returned to the office three days later, I called my boss to let her know I was back at work. She expressed condolences so I took that opportunity to mention the company’s lack of acknowledgment. She defended the company and came up with all kinds of excuses which was a real turnoff, so I decided not to bother talking to her about it.
Fast forward a few years later, a co-worker’s son-in-law passed suddenly. I acknowledged this with her, sent flowers from my husband and me and attended the funeral. While at the funeral, she pointed out the big, beautiful floral arrangement the company sent. Though it was absolutely the right thing for them to do, it brought back a flood of hurt feelings. What became abundantly clear at that moment is that this company was sending me a message and I needed to pay attention. It was tough to get my head wrapped around their message because I was a top performer and producer for them so it was a mystery.
The advice I kindly offer you is to look beyond the isolated situation and view the bigger picture of your employment with this company. It’s not easy but necessary.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 1:18PM UTC
First, let me say I am sorry for your loss. Regardless of how close you were or not, she was your mother and you still grieve that loss. Your boss clearly needs some training on emotional intelligence. Your HR department should step on in these situations to ensure that losses of this magnitude are treated equally and fairly. It was not your boss or company’s place to stand in judgement of your grief or family relationships. Shame on your boss for making you feel less than your coworker. When comfortable I might sit down with your boss and/or your HR person to express the unequal treatment and how it made you feel as an employee. If for no other reason than to give them the learning opportunity. It is slights like these that will cause good employees to leave a job. I hope they come to their senses and do better.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 1:36PM UTC
I'm sorry for your loss. That's an incredibly insensitive reply from your supervisor. Our company actual developed a (what was initially perceived as cold) "matrix" of how we as a company respond to certain personal life events, to ensure fairness and equity. However those things are also paid for by the company, and that leads me to wanting to give the benefit of the doubt, that they may have received feedback about the collection or felt wary about asking people to contribute a second time. While neither negates the magnitude of you loss, may be an explanation. When you're comfortable I might suggest reaching out to HR just so they're aware and can talk to the entire management team about an appropriate way to handing this moving forward.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 2:25PM UTC
That's a weird situation and I'm curious why the "different" response to your mother's passing versus your coworker's mother's passing (??). Yes, my feelings woudl be hurt by that. You're not asking for extra attention, but you've noted the difference in response and it's hurtful. I totally get it. What can you do? Not much. You've got some rude/insensitive coworkers. If it were me, I would take this as a cue about how little my team cared about me during a time of loss...and I would likely move on. I"m so sorry. Don't take it personally. People can be egocentric and selfish.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 2:47PM UTC
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you were able to take the time you needed regardless of what your employer did or said. I went through something similar. My dad died suddenly, a heart attack in his sleep and still only in Middle age. To say this was devastating would be an understatement. My manager told me to take as much time as I needed (I took the full two weeks allotted for be bereavement) but I never received flowers, a card, anything to me and my family who were going through hell. My sisters company (who she’d been at only a few months) sent all of the above. It definitely stung at the time but I tried not to dwell.Fast forward another year and someone else on our team’s ex husband also passes very suddenly. There was a collection of money for flowers, cards, etc to send to her. This frustrated me to no end. WTF?!Having been through a loss like this (and a lot of therapy) I decided to be the bigger person and contribute, and also send something separately to her. Putting good out felt better than being bitter.I think what it comes down to is these situations show us people’s true colors, and most departments and managers take the lead of the person above them. it is probably not personal for you or your situation, but rather the missteps of others that you cannot control. I loved my job and my boss at the time, but how people show compassion and empathy when given the opportunity is everything to me (as a very compassionate and empathetic person myself), and it made me realize I should just expect less of certain people. People mostly think about themselves, and unfortunately everyone was raised to handle these kinds of situations differently where they often don’t meet your expectations. A life lesson I suppose.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 3:39PM UTC
Wow. Rude.
Wendy AlohaApril 28,2023 at 4:31PM UTC
I am sorry for your loss and sorry you work with jerks. You are probably a strong, stoic type, so they don't see your grief. But that doesn't make it right.
Several years ago I lost my house in a fire. I discovered the fire, got my granddaughters out and their cat, my son got our dogs out. I lost my 2 cats and everything I owned. I got nothing but grumbling from work. Then another department up north of me had several people loose houses in a wildfire. They got leave donated, money, gift cards and more. When I said somehing, the answer was that was different. ????
Anyway, I hope you feel better and if I were you I would use the EAP if you need a safe place to vent. I got a social worker to help me through the after effects of my fire. It was valuable.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 6:55PM UTC
I'm sorry for your loss, losing your Mother is never easy and you surely need support. Your co-workers and boss it seems are not the ones to give that to you and I would definitely use your EAP for help if you need it. Also check to see if the company has a bereavement policy and take a bit of time for yourself to heal your spirit. Think about the environment that you are in and the lack of empathy you have received from the team and why. Perhaps you are more private and don't share your personal life with them? If that is not the case it might be time to be a a work culture where there is not favoritism toward specific people. Often it is a close relationship with one person and another that drives gifting or things like that and in your situation was that it? Don't feel slighted by those who won't matter to your personal life for the long term but do put yourself into a place where people care more.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 11:10PM UTC
I'm so sorry about your Mom. The world is an odd place these days. It you are blessed to work at a company where people truly care, it is a rarity. Don't take it to heart: it is just a job.
AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 11:15PM UTC
First, my condolences to you. Whether or not your family is 'normal', still matters. Sending cyber hugs.
Next, well, your colleagues finally showed their true colors so now you know how they are.
Do you work closely or basically do your own thing in your role? Depending on your circumstances, have you wanted to move and start over?
Maybe a fresh start is best. I'm not saying run away (though as an adult, I want to sometimes!!!) I'm saying maybe if you wanted a change, now is a time to start planning. Research a place (new house/apt, new town/state or a weekend away or simply in your own space to color, plan, read, watch trash TV.....)
This is your time and you owe it to YOU. Work the 8 hours, go home and do what you need!!
AnonymousApril 29,2023 at 7:16AM UTC
First and foremost…I feel your pain! My mom died three years ago today. No one, and I mean no one can understand h depth of pain unless they too are unfortunate to have experienced this loss. The only greater loss would be a child. I experienced horrible trauma from my employer. (Had subsequent losses and near deaths as well, all in 15 months) I was treated like trash. Questioned, false allegations, a special lens of judgement was created just for me. And when I jumped successfully thru the hoops they designed for me, the finish line moved. I again met them. Until finally…terminated. I was denied EAP/FMLA. Threatened with demotion, etc etc. you get the point. What I suggest, take the time. Take all the time, I’d say you need, but that’s a lot. Or quit, find somewhere where you feel comfortable. Valued, treated with dignity and fairness. You are worth it. I am a daughter of a warrior, who raised a warrior. I hope you join me in battle. Cheers. I see you boo. You beautiful deserving creature. May your mom be proud, and always honored in your heart.