There was a situation at work last week that has now been resolved, but somehow it ended up reflecting badly only on me.

Anonymous

October 13,2021 at 1:24PM UTC

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There was a situation at work last week that has now been resolved, but somehow it ended up reflecting badly only on me. I'm really discouraged and I feel like the people at the top of the (small) company cannot be trusted. Honestly, I feel embarrassed and like now I have to climb back out of this hole it created.

My boss has lied to me before and changed my job title in what felt like a demotion- though they swear it was not. I have trust issues from that time. I began seeing the same patterns of behavior and him going to my employee and offering her a potential promotion in which some of my responsibilities would be hers, even managing one of my other employees. That was in the background making me pay attention- and then he got angry with me for an email trying to manage an account I am in charge of. He had lied (again) to the customer that several projects were underway but the execution team knew nothing about them so I looped in the person who handles one part of the project and asked both of them for a download meeting to get the projects off on the right foot.

This resulted in him becoming angry with me, sending me an angry text message, and then the rest of the day hammering out emails to me that micromanaged my accounts, removed me from some accounts, etc. Telling me that I didn't need to touch every creative thing (I am the Creative Director) and ultimately, what felt like retaliating.

A conversation with me the next day I was argued with and my feelings were invalidated and all I did was cry.

I took the weekend to calm down. After that he wanted to talk to me again, telling me how disappointed he was in my unprofessional behavior. (My goodness even typing this out I see how abusive this is). The CEO, who has been a mentor to me, also met with me to tell me how I messed up with "my behavior" and I told him my side of the story. He seemed to listen. I actually asked him if he could move my team to be under another leader (the Chief Creative Officer) after he made a joke about it. He seemed receptive- but...then he immediately went to my boss and told him what I had asked and again my boss came tearing into my office asking me what was going on. The CEO then sent an email to ME saying this has to stop.

Honestly, this whole thing made me feel crazy. And now I'm embarrassed and confused. It feels like I need to leave but somehow they've gotten under my skin and convinced me that it is me- this is not how I should be handling professional situations. Any advice or support is welcome.

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Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterOctober 13,2021 at 2:22PM UTC
No one gets to decide how you think and feel - except you. (This is the best news ever.)
Take responsibility for any part of this situation that was your "fault," and work on your mindset around the rest. If you can show up at work as a confident, capable professional, that is how (most) others will treat you. If you show up with doubt, insecurity, and a lack of self-confidence - others may well feed on that.
Daniel WentzelOctober 13,2021 at 3:52PM UTC
Skinner's theory. You have to change their mindset. The less said is better. Actions always speak louder than words.
AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 2:48PM UTC
Run! Run fast. Run far.
Emmy BemmyOctober 13,2021 at 2:53PM UTC
I would take the labor shortage as an opportunity to see if I could find a new job/company. It does sound abusive. I'm not sure why your boss holds so much power with the CEO...maybe he knows where the bodies are buried. Either way, I would not continue to work under the person you described. Your manager is gaslighting you.... not sure why, but that is not something you want to deal with on a regular basis!
AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 3:06PM UTC
It appears that your boss has a hidden agenda to reorganize your department and take over at least in part the management if that department. And this seems to have been discussed and approved by the CEO.
Both your boss & the CEO have made their disappointment in you clear and are possibly making plans to edge you our the door.
Even though you have not contributed to these events, tge business might have some financial difficulties or plans in in the works the necessitate the downsizing of its work force in some way. Since it's a small company, every little account and job is critical to its success.
Further your boss made need to justify his salary, etc so getting rid if you might help that agenda .
If you'll notice, most companies begin their fiscal year planning and budgets fir the coming year. You'll see a lot more of this type of post during the next 60 days. So while it might not help your stress right now, I have doubts that this had anything to do with you personally, your professional behavior or the work. It might stem from something else.
I'm sorry this is being directed at you but you might want to get your ducks in a row for a job search so you aren't caught off guard with their decisions.
Daniel WentzelOctober 13,2021 at 3:11PM UTC
I've said this before, and I will repeat it: "If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree." Jim Rohn
AnonymousOctober 15,2021 at 2:07AM UTC
I never like harsh advice like this. It comes off as victim blaming, especially from a man on a group for women.
Nancy JamesOctober 27,2021 at 1:58PM UTC
Absolutely no reason to “pile on” harshly like that. There are a lot of great real men who have compassion and strength. They are not mutually exclusive. It’s just that women seem to master this balance more often then men. Pity.
Sandra LangstonOctober 13,2021 at 4:25PM UTC
The scenario sounds just as awful as it was. I'm sorry to sound sexist, but all the "he" words and"small company" sent red flags up for me. That dog eat dog behavior sounds like they are all on a power struggle trip. I hope you are keeping good records of this. Whoever your direct supervisor is, put it in writing and request a meeting. Nothing might come of it, but you will have your efforts in print. If this is unresolvable, quit. No one can live under that mess.
Rene LetendreOctober 13,2021 at 5:27PM UTC
Wow. This sounds like it is a really difficult position to be in, and I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. As I always (well, USUALLY) say: there are 2 sides to each story--and neither perspective is MORE "right" than the other.....except that managers have the right, and ability, to do whatever the heck they want. So their perception of you will inform their behavior--whether they are right or wrong about you OR your behavior (I'm gonna side with you and say it sounds like they are wrong). But it really doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong, because neither side trusts or respects the other. So it doesn't matter WHAT either of you do, the relationship is broken.
So, to address the issues, you need to have a frank conversation where you genuinely seek to understand their perspective and their need from you as an employee. Don't try to defend yourself or correct them--wait, hear me out! Just listen, with humility and a genuine desire to reestablish trust. Hopefully, they will have the same posture: a willingness to hear YOU out, and a desire to regain YOUR trust. If they don't, then you need to choose between staying in that culture, or leaving.
Do some research on what it takes to give and receive hard feedback, on how to be a healthy team. Share some resources with your manager/bosses to let them know that you REALLY want to have a successful working situation where the company grows and is well-regarded. (IE: sometimes, when a manager does not "gel" with a subordinate, it is TOTALLY the right thing to move that person/team to a new manager. Managers should be able to provide support and growth to those they supervise,; everyone's job should be to make the other people on the team look good and reach their full potential. Sometimes, you need to switch up the team to achieve that.)
Best wishes. Continue to be strong.
AnonymousOctober 13,2021 at 6:02PM UTC
Thank you for all of this objective feedback. We did have this frank conversation and it felt like a good conversation. But that is when the CEO then wrote, telling me I needed to stop. It was shocking since I had just left his room and he seemed receptive and even said all the reasons moving me would be a good idea. It's all just a mess.
I think your statement- the relationship is broken - is spot on.
Putting pieces together I am seeing the random interviews they had Monday were both a creative person and a Creative leader at my level. So I do feel they've made their decision and I guess are just placating me.
I think it is time to move on- I don't think anything else I say will be helpful at all. Such as a shame, as this was truly my dream job.
Rene LetendreOctober 13,2021 at 7:12PM UTC
I am so sorry that this dream is coming to an end--but it might just be the motivation (bad motivation, unfortunately) you need to find your next amazing opportunity! I hate that it is ending like this for you, and I really hope that in a few months you can look back on this and be thankful that you are no longer working there OR things miraculously turn around and it is reborn as a new dream job for you.
Keep up the good work of doing difficult things, putting up with difficult people, and having healthy boundaries.
AnonymousOctober 27,2021 at 1:53PM UTC
Agree 100%.
Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to wake up to how horribly we’ve been treated and that’s just what it takes to motivate us to move on to a team that deserves your talent and skills.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistOctober 14,2021 at 2:46AM UTC
I guess my only comment is why are you still working at such an awful company that treats you so poorly?
Please please please understand that you have every right to be treated fairly, to not be bullied, to be happy and fulfilled in your job.
Get your resume together asap before they figure out a way to fire you.
AnonymousOctober 14,2021 at 7:04PM UTC
You don't need any advice other than this:
LEAVE
They are beyond hope, you don't deserve it, and that sound just fully ridiculous. You're not married to them, they suck, and you should be free. Good luck!
AnonymousOctober 15,2021 at 12:15PM UTC
Read a few other posts in the feed. They cover the same topics.
Leave. You are being gaslighted. https://www.insider.com/gaslighting-examples
Somewhere along the way, your boss lost confidence in you. Deserved or not, there are a lot of bad bosses out there.
I took this Brene Brown quiz when I experienced similar retaliation. I realized that the *environment* is not conducive to taking risks. My profession REQUIRES taking risks. I work in innovation. It was then that I realized it wasn’t me. It was the culture. I became angry with myself for letting them in to shake my core. It’s okay— you’ll get past this.
The quiz is here: https://daretolead.brenebrown.com/
*I am not affiliated and receive no benefits for posting these links.
AnonymousOctober 15,2021 at 12:42PM UTC
I hate that people have asked why you are still there. Obviously you may be stuck for the time being.
No one deserves to be treated the way you described. Your environment is toxic and that is why you may be doubting and blaming yourself. Imagine how your boss treats people in his personal life. Possibly there is something you did (unintentionally and unknowingly) that triggered your
boss BUT the behavior he is expressing is proof he is the issue and struggle it’s professionalism and controlling his emotions.
The sad reality is you won’t win this. Bullies, mean bosses, mean girls….they always win. Hold your head up, try to bite your tongue and fly under the radar to the best of your abilities. This hopefully will give you time while you look for something better.
Head up, you are fabulous!!!
Nancy JamesOctober 17,2021 at 4:48PM UTC
So sorry to hear you are going through this. Sounds like the good old boys club is alive and well. Don’t let them take your confidence and integrity. Bullies need to bully and the boys will circle the wagons to protect each other. Find a good attorney who specializes in employment suits. Retaliation is illegal. Fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Good luck.
AnonymousOctober 24,2021 at 2:52PM UTC
First of all, you have my full empathy. I have a boss who won’t listen—she literally will not stop looking at her phone or emails when I am trying to explain something to her, gaslights me for her mistakes (or those of her favorites)—many because she ignored my emails or didn’t listen.
It has brought me to the point of tears so many times especially this past week that I actually contemplated looking elsewhere. And of course I am the one who is “immature.” She throws out “emotional intelligence” like she knows what it means.
And I have no where to turn.
You are not alone. Not at all.
AnonymousOctober 24,2021 at 2:55PM UTC
One other thought…(I am the empath who gets it).
There are lots of free online classes on emotional intelligence that can help. That’s what I am doing so I know how to deal with my difficult boss.