Meeting Etiquette - management pointers

43 Comments

1. AnonymousJanuary 10,2023 at 5:46PM UTC

   Curious, did you ask her in the moment if she was distracted or working on something time sensitive? I think your biggest opportunity to correct the unsavory behavior would have been in the moment. If you bring it up with her after the fact, she's going to deny any distractions.

2. AnonymousJanuary 10,2023 at 9:36PM UTC

   I didn't want to embarrass her by asking her about it. It has not happened before, so like another commenter said, it might have been a personal issue that just came up during our call.

   Looking back as the other person commented - I should have asked them if they needed a minute to deal with something that might have come up - giving both of us the space to allow that to be resolved naturally.

   The fact that any of this happened is just bizarre. I appreciate all the advice I have received on this - thank you!

3. Barb HansenJanuary 10,2023 at 7:44PM UTC

   I agree with the anonymous comment below - you missed a great opportunity to discuss the situation (someone appearing to be on the phone during a meeting) when it was happening.

   So here is what I would do faced with a similar situation:

   1 - Wait until this team members appears to be on the phone during a one-on-one.

   I would not say anything to this team member unless it happens again. To give this team member some grace, there could have been some personal issues that she needed to be deal with and she thought she could sneak in a txt or two without you seeing here.

   2 - If this team member appears to be on the phone during a one-on-one with you, then ...

   2.a - Ask the team member if they need a minute to deal with a personal issue

   2.b - If they say yes, allow them one minute to deal with their "personal issue" and then ask them to put the phone on mute or on airport mode during your calls.

   2.c - If they say no, then ask them to put their phone on airport mode during your calls.

   2.d - At the start of your next few meetings (following the meeting where you ask them to turn their phone off) remind them to turn put their phone on airport mode and let them know that you are putting your phone on airport mode as well so you can both focus on the meeting.

   If this team member is contributing to the company and getting their work done on time, I wouldn't make a bigger issue out of them looking at their phones during a meeting.

4. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 3:48PM UTC

   it happened to me on Friday, person is behind on everything and the very reason we missed target in December. How do I address this? She’s alright at what she does. She isn’t exceptional though. She does have mental health issues so I have to be careful how I address it. I don’t want to upset her. I like her but I do find her behaviour quite rude and disrespectful sometimes. Other times she’s so lovely.

5. Barb HansenJanuary 11,2023 at 6:16PM UTC

   Here is how I have dealt with two sides of "currently experiencing major issues" direct reports in the past.

   Success story

   1-- Spoke to the direct report (not a scheduled meeting, just a drop-by conversation)

   --- "I've noticed that a lot of deliverables are late so I'm going to set aside time during our next one-on-one to brain storm with you on how I can help you resolve any issues. Spend some time before the meeting thinking about what you think any issues you are facing and tools or tactics that might help. Don't spend a lot of time on this, b/c we'll be brainstorming during the meeting, I just wanted to give you a few days to think prior to the meeting.

   -- I spoke with my HR representative to loop them in on what I was informally starting with this employee

   2-- Had the meeting

   -- During the meeting, we talked about issues she was facing, and how I could help. In this particular case. We figured out a few things. that we both thought might help and we set a twice weekly check-in to see if our ideas were helping.

   -- I also explained to her that I was expecting that it would take us a few cycles of brainstorming, implementing and confirming success and that she shouldn't worry about an initial failure.

   -- I kept my HR partner in the loop on the outcome.

   3-- She implemented the suggestions

   -- Her performance improved for the first week and then slide back on week 2. But b/c we were having twice weekly check-ins, the performance slide was noted (by both of us) at the end of the 2nd week.

   -- We did more brainstorming and she finally admitted that although we had a great online project tracking system and she used the team's office supply source for notebooks and post-it-notes, she found that those systems weren't helping her.

   She was nervous to talk about it b/c she was embarrassed that an easy to use online tracking tool (that sent email and IM reminders) didn't work for her. She also said that working with me to fix things made her feel comfortable enough to mention that she needed accommodations for a disability.

   She mentioned that in the past she had success in using brightly colored paper to help her focus. I grabbed the office supply catalogue and she selected those super large brightly colored post-it-notes.

   --I talked to my HR representative to make sure that I was handling things correctly without disclosing my team member's informal accommodation disclosure.

   4 -- Continued to monitor

   -- The brightly colored post-it-notes dramatically helped her performance. She started to deliver projects on time.

   -- We reduced our bi-weekly meetings to a standard weekly one-on-one.

   -- I mentioned to the employee that they should speak with our HR rep to discuss corporate-level tools and accommodations that could help her.

   Alternative Success story

   I had a newer direct report who was experiencing performance issues.

   1-- Had a conversation similar to the one above

   2-- Scheduled the meeting

   3-- Employee didn't show up for the meeting and ghosted the company - I never heard from him again. I locked him out of all internal software at the end of the day as a precaution.

   4-- HR managed this termination

6. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 10:42AM UTC

   Thank yoh so much. The communication is quite poor from this employee. She went off sick recently and didn’t follow the procedure, in fact she didn’t follow any procedure. Not even a text. I had to chase her. This all stems from my predecessor, she struggles to manage herself never mind a successful team. I really do value this employee but her communication is bad, really bad. I never know what she is working on and she isn’t hitting all targets. If she was I wouldn’t be looking. I don’t want to micromanage I don’t have the patience or dedication for that haha. I don’t want to manage her out either or even think about losing her. I have set weekly meetings and will start highlighting things properly. Officially. It needs to be done.

7. Emily StarkJanuary 10,2023 at 9:43PM UTC

   First, I believe you're a strong manager just by noticing an opportunity for improvement. It seems you really see the value of your time with this IC and expect that she does too.

   Barb's idea is excellent. To piggyback on that, since it's the start of the new year it's a good time to discuss 1:1 best practices and goals. Overall etiquette could come up organically in this discussion along with topics yielding a stronger relationship. Hope this helps!

8. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 4:05AM UTC

   Not engagement, but maybe poor habits. Someone who has a phone addiction won't be paying attention anywhere -- probably not in their workspace, either. Without coworkers around to set the social tone, there's nothing to stop it. Probably just asking to turn their phone off might help.

   Also, if there is negative feedback, the phone could be a way of deflecting or staving off anxiety. It's so hard to get to know someone just via video, and that goes both ways.

9. Rebecca AliJanuary 11,2023 at 1:40PM UTC

   I would add a few additional thoughts - is this meeting for her or you? If she's not getting value from it, then you might consider how you could make the time more relevant to her career/project goals. If the distraction becomes a pattern, it might be time to talk about what she needs to be successful. When people mentally check out, it's hard to get them back. And I don't think it's too late to catch up again and be honest - saying something like "you know I noticed you were distracted during our last call and it threw me off because it wasn't typical. I should have mentioned it then but it was awkward for me and I didn't want you to feel embarrassed. After giving it some thought, I want to make sure our time together is mutually beneficial. Is there something else you need from me during this time?" As others have said, you're a good manager to notice and care.

10. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 3:49PM UTC

    Wow!! This response is exactly what I’m looking for. Thank you.

11. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 3:45PM UTC

    Wow. I could have written this. This happened to me on my Friday meeting with my direct reports too. One of them in particular. I find it rude!

12. BethBJanuary 11,2023 at 5:02PM UTC

    No need to beat around the bush or “frame” the discussion. You seemed distracted during our last meeting and I’d appreciate it if you concentrated on the meeting. You were looking down, maybe at notes or your phone and that takes way from the meeting. And then move quickly to your first topic to not allow time to argue.

    She knows it’s wrong to look at her phone when she’s on a call with her supervisor.

13. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 5:28PM UTC

    I noticed you referred to this person as an individual contributor-is this person sensing she's not important and this might be a check mark meeting for you? Maybe this person had a personal issue that day and waiting for a call/text. Phones have a mind of their own and random things happens.

14. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 6:27PM UTC

    It’s the meeting agenda mostly brought by you? You could consider having her bring the agenda for the next call. When the topics are important to

    my directs I notice they are more invested.

15. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 10:37AM UTC

    Love this idea!!!

16. Tricia BurroughsJanuary 11,2023 at 6:58PM UTC

    I have 1:1s all through my schedule and none are more than 30 min. One hour is a long time to ask someone to concentrate fully which is needed for a 1:1. I might consider have 2, 30 min meetings a week or rethink whether I need 60 min a week,

17. Rebecca AliJanuary 11,2023 at 8:19PM UTC

    This is a really good point. Asking anyone to be attentive for an hour is a lot to ask. Apparently, 25 mins is the sweet spot if you can do it (Pomodoro method). https://www.fastcompany.com/90746163/this-is-exactly-how-long-your-meetings-should-last

18. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 8:03PM UTC

    Regardless of what the reasoning is behind that specific time, definitely provide an agenda in the calendar invite. Be sure to let her know phones off during the meeting and if the meeting does not need to go for 1 hour cut it short. If she needs a bio break during it or other urgent need be sure to document how she needs to let you know that she can take it. Setting expectations up front for remote work is the best way to manage this going forward.

19. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 1:22PM UTC

    This is the way the world works now and everyone should make themselves acquainted with the rules of engagement for virtual meetings, especially when on camera. If you are in a meeting with someone else and you are doing stuff on your phone, that is simply ignoring the other person and that is simply rude.

20. NataliaJanuary 12,2023 at 1:34PM UTC

    It is more important than ever to set clear ground rules for interactions and ways of working. As people are more removed from a typical work environment, it is easier for people to forget what is expected from a professional standpoint. It might be a good idea to spend some time in your next team meeting to share what you expect of your team and what they can expect from you. Some of it might seem common sense, but not everyone is wired in the same way so make sure there’s common understanding. This will also make it easier for you to have difficult discussions in the future if needed with specific team members. By the way, also ask them what they expect from you…it’s overall a useful exercise!

21. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    . I would ask her about being distracted in a way that isn’t accusatory such as “i noticed you were a bit distracted, is anything going on that I should be aware of or that I can support you with”. There have been times when myself or others have been in this situation who have had sick family, w about a child in childcare, or someone struggling to manage work and school. We got or found solutions. Id start there and if they were just being distracted for no reason just make sure you know how you want to handle it. Either way, set the meeting boundaries in both scenarios.

22. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 1:54PM UTC

    Total opposite experience with my new direct manager in my first 1:1 she was distracted the entire time. Spent more time earlier with my conly coworker and just pretty much said oh I told her this instead and asked her that so you two sync up. Felt bad.

    My coworker (who had an even more distracted meeting)and I were both put off by the experience and just suggested to do 2:1. We're waiting to hear back on it.

    My manager was way more personable and talkative with my coworker (when she wasn't distracted) didn't really let me talk during mine.

    That bring said, is there another boss your direct teport has that behaves as she was during your 1:1 she picked up those distracted habits from? Like did someone else set this precedence?

23. GirlBossanova934974January 12,2023 at 2:16PM UTC

    Here's a very simple idea! Next meeting, the direct report should do most of the talking! You ask the questions. She responds. If you are going to be providing basic info, you can do that via SLACK-TEAMS etc or a simple email. Problem solved. No more phone issues. When your direct reports understand that they should be prepared to answer questions about their progress on various projects and tasks, they will come prepared and be ready to chat. The problem with a lot of ZOOM calls these days is that management feels it has to rope everyone into the call when in fact 2 out of maybe 10 people do all the talking. The other 8 are there to say they attended the call! Breaking that expectation is key to employee engagement.

24. Barbara WhiteJanuary 12,2023 at 3:05PM UTC

    I like this idea!!

25. Ireina ReevesJanuary 12,2023 at 2:42PM UTC
    1. No. That is inappropriate behavior. During your next team meeting, I suggest you introduce protocols for your virtual meetings. Include separate expectations for group meetings and 1:1s. Here's a free .pptx template: https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Online-Meeting-Etiquette-Distance-Learning-5384495
    2. It would have been perfectly appropriate to stop talking. You are coaching your direct reports on professionalism. It is your responsibility to set the tone and direct the narrative.
    3. One hour is NOT too long. I work remotely, and my monthly 1:1s with my supervisor are an hour long. They consist of questions for me first:
    4. What have I worked on? (I now keep a log ?)
    5. What went well this month?
    6. What could have been improved, and how?
    7. What do you have scheduled for next month
    8. Is there anything I can do better to support you?
    9. I get a report of my performance, starting with what went well, then any issues if there is anything that needs to be addressed. The last question:
    10. Do you have any questions? I always do, which is:
    11. What are your goals for the month? This allows me to get a big picture and focus my performance on those goals as well.
26. Rita PalanjianJanuary 12,2023 at 3:17PM UTC

    I would reiterate the rules of 1:1s at a team meeting. I would remind the team that 1) these are your meetings or our meeting . 2) since you are remote workers, it’s important to me that we are connecting regularly so I am aware of what’s on your plate. 3) this is oppty for you to ask question or need my help with anything.

    suggest that meetings be 30 minutes suggest that the direct report lead and facilitate the calls. Here’s the agenda or outline. I’m open for suggestions

    1) current projects

    2) any blockers affecting getting things done

    3) what are you looking forward to the coming week

27. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 3:25PM UTC

    I think it is rude that she would not give her attention to you. However, it begs the question is the meeting useful for her? What does she get out of it? I recommend focusing the meeting on coaching your IC. Check out Trillion Dollar Coach by Eric Schmidt (Google Founder), it includes a useful template for 1 on 1s. Having a template also gives a shared point of focus for you both.

    A lot of other people are recommending talking about work and blockers, but I suggest you keep that mostly to team meetings. Let the 1 on 1 be about coaching the IC, stuff like how are her working relationships within her own team and others. How does she rate her own performance in the last week? Who does she compare herself to in order to determine her own performance? How is she improving or thinking ahead? How and where is she taking ownership or acting as leader? Where could she be doing so?

    https://www.amazon.com/Trillion-Dollar-Coach-Leadership-Playbook/dp/0062839268/ref=asc_df_0062839268/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=343191227008&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7519821366012935179&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9053203&hvtargid=pla-602093526668&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=67797265583&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=343191227008&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7519821366012935179&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9053203&hvtargid=pla-602093526668

28. Georgia SinghJanuary 12,2023 at 4:21PM UTC

    Gosh I'm sorry you feel this way. Let's just hope your team member didn't have something going on--family illness, death, waiting for a message from her doctor.

    While you don't know what was going on, you can't ask either because that could violate Right-to-Privacy. But as a strong team leader we can have mercy on them by saying: 'give me a moment to silence my phone, I want to make sure you have my full attention.' This statement alone, softens the edges of what you really want to say and do. :)

    Allow me to point out: times have changed dramatically over the past 5 years and remember that by way of camera you have been invited into yout team members home. I should also mention that many companies are moving away from meetings using cameras because it indeed violates the employees right to privacy.

    She is your seedling, grow her.

29. Katheryn JonesJanuary 12,2023 at 4:26PM UTC

    Love this.

30. AnonymousJanuary 17,2023 at 2:35PM UTC

    You can definitely ask if there is something distracting your employee. The right to privacy doesn’t mean an boss cannot ask if something preventing their employee from doing what is expected. A general question is enough though, no need to get specific unless both parties are comfortable with doing so.

31. Titra G HamiltonJanuary 12,2023 at 4:58PM UTC

    The older I get the less tolerance I have for things like this. The ability to work remotely is a blessing that should not be taken for granted. This behavior is not appropriate. Also, we think that they can multi-task. The reality is that we stink at it. We are always at risk of missing something. I like previous suggestions about having her drive the meetings. She can set the agenda. Consider shortening the duration. My Spidey sense wants to caution you that this may be an engagement issue. She may be flat be bored with the role. Ask if she wants to change. Still, consider developing a risk mitigation plan just in case she decides to abruptly quit. Good luck.

32. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 11:16AM UTC

    THIS is the best comment. IMO WFH is a privilege that many aren't given the option to have. Those that do have that option should not take it for granted because these type of behaviors are why so many employers are adding this to list of reasons why we have to return to office.

33. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 7:15PM UTC

    I agree with the majority of comments with regards to providing her a template and let her drive the meeting more so that she can take ownership and lead the meeting.

    Additionally, I find it perfectly fine for you to ask, " Is this still a good time (to have this meeting?" And offer to reschedule at a better time. This allows for space, flexibility, and empathy while informing the person you see there is a matter needing their attention.

    I hope this helps.

34. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 7:29PM UTC

    She is checked out and this is so unacceptable.

35. Vicki Appleby BentleyJanuary 12,2023 at 7:57PM UTC

    I agree with the doublechecking that this is a good time for her to focus on the meeting topic(s) --then keep it focused. Also..... Is it possible that her "looking away" is actually her looking at the meeting on her screen? My camera is in one spot but where I see the person talking on my screen is not close, so I have to be purposeful about looking INTO the camera, which means I am not paying the least bit of visual attention to the speaker on screen. If I were watching you as you spoke with me, it would appear that I was looking away.

36. Jennifer FalandysJanuary 12,2023 at 9:06PM UTC

    I would caution against making assumptions here. There are a lot of them in the comments. I would also like to say that given the last year, there are a lot of people who are struggling to stay present. Do you know for sure she was on her phone? How would you have known that when you mentioned it was off camera? Is this the first time this has happened? Loads of people are having engagement issues right now, no matter if they are working in office or remotely. Also, not everyone does well with eye contact. That should not be a requirement of attention for anyone as that borders on ableism. Things are not like how they used to be, and I think there should be some thoughtful consideration around expectations. Have you laid them out before the meeting? If you don't want someone to have their phone on in a meeting, next time ask them to turn their phone off, and perhaps check in and ask if everything is okay. It is a kind way to redirect attention without reducing them or assuming anything.

37. Ireina ReevesJanuary 18,2023 at 5:38PM UTC

    Good point. She may be taking notes on her phone as I do.

38. Taylor AdamsJanuary 12,2023 at 9:42PM UTC

    I apologize if there is any repetitive content as I didn’t read all comments, but I have a couple comments/suggestions.

    1- is this “normal” or typical behavior of this employee? If yes, have you previously addressed the behavior? If so, you may need to follow up and explain/enforce appropriate consequences. If this is atypical, I’d suggest that you have a friendly check in to see how she is doing. Many are struggling to make ends meet and her mind could preoccupied with who knows what. Children, ailing parents/family, etc. we all have our own battles, maybe she’s going through something.

    2- set expectations. I feel strongly that if leaders set expectations early on, working relationships are much better. Often, assumptions are made that our teams should know what to do or what is expected. I’ve suggested to leaders I’ve worked with that we err on the side of tell them, tell them again, and then tell them what you told them. There’s, of course, a need to consider an appropriate method of delivery, but we tend to retain information we hear often. So, remind her of meeting expectations for a few consecutive meetings and provide a digital copy as well. If issues continue, enforce appropriate consequences.

    3- is engagement an issue because of how she was during the 1:1 or are you seeing it in work performance? Working remotely doesn’t mean that she’s not engaged, but it also doesn’t mean she’s not. I just wouldn’t necessarily start with an assumption that it is tied to remote work unless you have performance evidence that would support engagement issues. If this is the case, I would address during a friendly check-in.

    Hope this is helpful. Kudos to you for seeking out support to better yourself as a leader.

39. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 1:45AM UTC

    Well, my one-on-one is about me, essentially I am presenting not my manager. That is how she structured it and how I have it structured with my previous supervisor. It is not my supervisor's time to talk for an hour, so they say. I usually have a PowerPoint presentation with a summary of my workload, the questions I have, priority, etc. I go very much to the point, and I notice they get out of the way to ask me, what I need if I have any issues or questions. I mostly listen to them because I am in need of them to guide me. I would probably space out if my 1:1 will be to hear her talking.

40. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 4:59PM UTC

    I made the Original Post - I've done just that. Sent her a new agenda for our 1:1s where she leads the meeting and goes through the agenda items leaving room at the end for me to give her feedback or updates. It was not very structured in the past - leaving things open ended - so we could just "catch-up" on progress and information was flowing both ways. This structured approach will ensure she knows that she has to come prepared to the meeting.

41. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 6:46PM UTC

    I think you should be honest and just let her know that you are uncomfortable with it and that you want to drag her attention to it to ensure smooth conversation in the future.

42. Liz MilneJanuary 15,2023 at 4:21AM UTC

    I had a tutorial with a student and she was on her phone for a section of our talk. She has serious memory/ distraction issues, and does this sort of thing in class. I stopped talking, waited until her attention vaguely came back to me and asked, "Everything okay? Do you need to answer a message on your phone?" and she paid attention from then on.

    I would let her know that you know she's on her phone and ask if you need to come back to her when she's less busy with it - if you let it slide she'll think she's got away with it. Maybe next 1-1 say something like, 'How are you today? Ready for our chat, no distractions this time?' Use a very mild tone and smile so she can't accuse you of being mean or picking on her. Then if she does pick up her phone, stop talking until she makes eye contact with you, and then stop again every time she looks away.

    (Unless she's neurodivergent, some people are very uncomfortable to make eye contact - but find a way to ensure you have her attention before you speak to her - if she's distracted, she's not listening to you so there's no point anyway!)

43. Goodluck ChukwukereJanuary 16,2023 at 7:25PM UTC

    it lovely and hardworking