I feel like the problem lately.

Anonymous

March 29,2023 at 5:16PM UTC

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I feel like the problem lately. In emails, conversations, and meetings, I keep finding myself at odds with certain members of my team more than normal. I am an outspoken woman as are they, so naturally, there are times when we disagree. However, lately, these are extremely draining. I am really struggling with taking a step back and not voicing my concerns in our team discussions as I'm met with so much resistance from these people. Since my natural behavior is to speak out or offer feedback when given the opportunity, it is really hard to just sit back and say it's not worth it - even when it is requested of me. I'm not sure if I came here for advice or to vent, but I'm just exhausted and do not know up from down on what to do. I've tried the whole "does this add value" thing and most of the time the answer is "yes" as it is a project that needs alteration before printing or sending to a client or is not aligned with our budget or mission. I'm just so lost. My boss isn't really stepping in to manage these. She just lets these arguments happen, so not help there.

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AnonymousMarch 29,2023 at 5:48PM UTC
Some times its tough to handle a strong opiniated women in a team meetings(for both men and women). If you think what ever you are speaking is valid and right disagreeing , voicing out is not a issue, its just some people are not tuned to take feedback, especially when you do it in front of entire team. It is better to create ally's or have some one who can second you thought is important, as it seems rest of the team is united (some times it quite possible team members who see you as threat may join forces) .
AnonymousMarch 29,2023 at 6:16PM UTC
Following this thread as I am exactly where you are today. Sending you supportive vibes. It takes a lot to be the squeaky wheel in a room full of "yes" people but even the squeaky wheel gets tired.
If you can, take some time off. If nothing more to rest your mind. I'm also following this thread to see what others say.
AnonymousMarch 29,2023 at 6:25PM UTC
My experience is I pick my battles so as not to swim upstream constantly.
Can you fight on every issue? Sure you can but as you are noticing, it is draining and no one is thrilled with working with you so they will fight you every inch.
My advice is not to fight to the death. Not every suggestion or comment adds value as much as we would like to believe. It is more of an opinion, a dialog or suggested change. It's not going to tank the company, nor is it going to change the outcome. If that's the case, then your team is routinely opening the company to extreme risk, costs and legal liability and I would definitely find a new job.
I only fight when these risks are at play. Otherwise I suggest, recommend, share experience and add praise wherever warranted. I remind myself to allow others to do their job and not draw a me v. them line on each issue . I copy my manager on my suggestions and rationale and opinion but I do not fight unless it is a danger to the company, brand or project is obvious.
Can you categorize everything as a danger? Sure you can but that's an insane place to be and damages the work, weakens the project and changes working as a team. Leaders intuitively understand their role and how to prop up their colleagues.
Just my experience on building a personal brand and flexing my leadership muscle when truly required.
AnonymousMarch 29,2023 at 8:07PM UTC
Leaving the job because of voicing over concerns for a project is it necessary? what if it happens in the next job...leave that one too...its true we have to choose our battles to see if its worth fighting for however every time when there is conflict if we choose to leave even after pointing out right issues we loose part of ourselves and beliefs. I agree that we need to fight when the risks are high however running away from every challenge you face and every discussion you are contradicted is not right as well. If your cause is right...you will always have people who will listen , what colleagues think is just a matter of time they any way sway towards what ever is useful to them. There are studies showing that if the management constantly shows unethical behavior , mistreat an employee for wrong reasons, it eventually impacts the morale of entire team who are passively observing. Every body is watching in a coorporate env even if they dont say or react so better correct the approach ,give talent a way to shine.
Becca A.March 29,2023 at 7:15PM UTC
It's clear that you're justifiably stressed out. Sounds like you need to step away and take a vacation. Whether it's just a couple to a few days off using your PTO. To have a staycation so you can relax and reset yourself. This can help you come back to work with more clarity on how to approach your situation as sometimes stepping away completely temporarily will allow a new approach to present itself.
Terri PridayMarch 29,2023 at 8:59PM UTC
I think that the first thing you need to explore is what has changed.
You say that this is happening more than normal, and that lately you are feeling more drained by these times. Why now, and not before? Hopefully exploring that will give you a little more clarity to what you need to do next.
AnonymousMarch 29,2023 at 9:39PM UTC
Let yourself be in a funk. Shake it off and tomorrow is a new day.
AnonymousMarch 30,2023 at 9:22AM UTC
Remember that businesses are organisms that move at their own pace. They can only absorb so much change. When you try to introduce change if it cannot be absorbed, that is okay. MOVE ON. Try later. Look for ways to make yourself a resource for your co-workers. Do you know the fastest ways to get things done? Do you know the best people to guide and assist. Find the pockets of excellence and promote them to peers and leaders. Look for opportunities to praise the good work of others. Become a secret champion for those things that are too soon or too much. Plant seeds.
AnonymousMarch 30,2023 at 2:14PM UTC
I think this is a matter of deciding when to pick your battles. I generally address this by asking myself, "what's the worst that can happen if ..." and that typically provides some clarity.
AnonymousMarch 30,2023 at 5:34PM UTC
I had similar experience where my suggestions are not heard in a workshop and they went ahead with rest of the group's vetoed decision.
However if the suggestion you have offered is the best it will find a way soon since other options after weighing out figured out to be less practical and failed after implementing them. They dint have choice but to pick the approach which I have suggested.
When it happens the first time ,slowly people will start recognizing your input as valuable. There is huge cost involved for a mistake. Not hearing to a valid ,weighed out approach can cost them a big deal in long run.
You have to be patient sometimes winning a battle is not important. They can hate your ideas they may not go with those ,however they cannot ignore you after a certain point ,if the idea is clearly a winner and you have a good way to prove it will work.
It is not so easy to find people with creative ideas , unique skill set and experience , they might move ahead with mediocre team however nothing great will ever happen if they don't take a new approach.
If there are challenges loosing a good employee which they will see immediately, there are also challenges giving a chance for the mediocrity to win, it might be slow to see the impact but it will definitely show up in long run and might take lot of effort to fix some times it can be irreversible.
When they get tired of failures and it cost's them their own survival they will start looking for people who can save them out of it soon.
Also not every manager expects excellence they are good with average most of the times, they do not want to step up or solve anything until the need comes. They are just good with a quite team be careful not to intimidate them . Try to solve the problems which help the team ,build a network which is meaningful, groom your skills, it can take you a long way . You don't need a constant validation from the colleagues ,if its there it might give a boost . In a competitive environment its very unlikely people will give you support when they think you can beat them in the game. Just be cognizant about office politics as they do exist every where.
AnonymousMarch 31,2023 at 12:23PM UTC
But you can also be the answer. You got this!
AnonymousMarch 31,2023 at 5:26PM UTC
Choose your battles wisely as often the weapons are going to lead to self destruction vs actual team improvement. Perhaps scripting out the things that are not working for you and then writing out some possible solutions before meetings. Take notes and try not to operate in the moment since the passion you have for these things is backfiring on your psyche. If you think about what matters most in the role and are working for a weak manager who won't broker peace in those meetings think about how you would approach the same situation and privately offer up to the manager some ways to broach a fix. Don't think about the add value piece as often in larger or team situations there is analysis paralysis or busy work and it just is. It's okay to have an opinion but definitely tone it down to a lower volume because the loudest voice in the room doesn't always get heard. Think about delivering with a whisper in a more strategic way.
Susan MyersMarch 31,2023 at 11:57PM UTC
There are those who are insecure in their roles whether it is a manager or co-workers. It is a rough climate for so many. I have noticed in the last 2 years or better with the pandemic. racial tensions and political tenses, it seems that no one is happy, being productive and a strong leader is very draining. It is evident throughout "Fairygodboss" postings and the unhappiness is spreading. It's hard and deflating. Some of my experiences in the last several companies have been unbelievable. At times I feel like I am crazy. I know it is not all me. I know I've given you no advice here and I am sorry. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Best of luck.
Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career CoachApril 3,2023 at 5:38PM UTC
Here's a different perspective : It's your job to speak up when you don't agree.
When you and team members have differing opinions, nothing has gone wrong. Stating your opinion and the outcome it can create can help others see your perspective. Are you giving your opinion and not helping them see the full picture? Maybe they need more explanation to see what the result could be if your changes were implemented, or spell out what negative result you think could come if the changes aren't made.