Exhausted by the drama

Anonymous

August 21,2022 at 5:15PM UTC

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Exhausted by the drama

I’ve been the head of our small company’s IT department for 10+ years. Eight months ago, we hired a new Office Manager Rachel, who is early in her career. We became work-friends as she expressed interest in being mentored in technology. Rachel is also new to our city so I helped her get into some social groups. She also shared that she works most nights as a ‘promotions girl’ at local bars/restaurants and has grown a social media presence. For those unfamiliar, ‘Promotion girls’ typically give out free alcohol or related products at bars to promote a brand. Rachel wants to learn technology to make more money and not need a night job. Most days she was in my office just talking about all the drama her night job has become. I try to steer these talks back to work-related. I also warn her that with all the drinking, there is going to be drama. There is also an odd dynamic of men dating multiple women in this group (more drama).

Several months ago, Rachel confides that she is being stalked/bullied on Instagram. Someone was creating fake accounts to make rude comments on her photos. I told her to close her account but she said it was required for her night job. The comments were not threatening , just rude. It got worse; the stalker was sending messages to her family/friends with terrible things in them. I never asked what but her boyfriend broke up with her. She filed a police report and hired an investigator. Then I find out she named me as the one responsible for the harassment. I found this out from a coworker. She has told anyone who would listen that I am the only one that knew the things her stalker was sending and that I knew the technology to hide the stalking. HR has asked her not to speak of this at the office as their is no evidence. Security has advised her they cannot investigate fake Instagram accounts. My boss has been super supportive and wants me to 'just ignore this'. The police have never contacted me for comment. Regardless, the office is divided and I feel terrible. The stalking has also caused Rachel some serious mental health issues.

I just keep thinking, "What did I do to warrant being accused of stalking someone I barely know?" I'm married, work full-time and have a six month old. As of yesterday, I have two great job offers including large signing bonuses. My boss is upset and wants to negotiate. I should be thrilled but I'm not. I don't feel like I can escape this drama without leaving this place. Anyone agree? Does leaving make me look guilty?

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AnonymousAugust 21,2022 at 5:36PM UTC
Something is missing from this narrative and it seems like professional and personal lines have been blurred. You have an infant at home but are taking time to introduce Rachel into social circles? Despite all of your tenure with this firm, it sounds like they’re taking some of her allegations seriously enough to not dismiss Rachel. If she’s truly saying that are false, then this is slander and needs to be addressed by HR on your behalf. I understand your dilemma about staying with this firm or jumping ship. I’d be tempted to leave and start somewhere else with a clean slate.
AnonymousAugust 21,2022 at 8:30PM UTC
Yes, the lines got a bit blurred and there is more to the story. I’ve never had any issues including coworkers in the volunteer and fitness events I coordinate. Things took a turn when she offered to babysit and showed up drunk. She agreed to treatment but didn’t follow through. She was always sober at work.
AnonymousAugust 21,2022 at 10:36PM UTC
You've created a very inappropriate situation and not innocent here.
This story does not reflect well on Rachel or you. I would seriously consider leaving to save any additional erosion of your reputation and credibility.
Change is hard but geez, staying in this mess would be even harder.
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 12:30PM UTC
That's a huge and very important turn of events that you left out. Do you think she accused you to ruin your reputation before you ruined hers because she thought you would tell others she showed up drunk to babysit? It's time for you to move on and find new employment and for goodness sake next time keep is strictly professional
Robin LampertAugust 21,2022 at 6:18PM UTC
Sounds like she has some serious problems.
I wonder if it had anything to do with why she left her previous city.
You're lucky that your management doesn't believe her.
If it weren't for this situation, would you take one of the other jobs? Try to leave out her as a reason for leaving, and don't worry about it making you look guilty.
Walking away may be your best option, but it's better to walk "toward" than "away".
AnonymousAugust 21,2022 at 8:43PM UTC
Honestly, I would never have applied for these jobs if this wasn’t happening.
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 3:01PM UTC
Well now you have options as well as the potential to improve your family's finances. Standing still is an option and is intentional.
AnonymousAugust 21,2022 at 7:08PM UTC
This person. Is not going to stop. While she thrives on drama, she is also dangerous to those with serious careers and serious lives.
I am completely with you on leaving this particular company. You've been there far too long already and you will find a clean start will reinvigorate your career (not to mention your finances). So while I understand your comfort and trusted relationships with leadership, you've really done all you can do. Why not test your abilities and grow while putting a very dramatic scenario behind you. You've learned a very valuable lesson on mentoring and blurring the lines of personal lives. Leaving actually makes you look quite smart.
AnonymousAugust 21,2022 at 7:14PM UTC
If you stay you will forever be tied to this drama and seen as a participant at the least and a creator at the worst. You already have some colleagues believing you're guilty.
You will not be able to escape this
You may be fearful of leaving the safety of a place you've called home for 10 years but sometimes you need a push to get our of your comfort zone. Consider this your push.
Crystal HowellAugust 22,2022 at 9:47AM UTC
Take the money, and run.
Ask for more salary upfront,then a quick bonus, you are in a great negotiating position. You have a job and 2 solid offers.
Rachel had issues before coming to you.
Moving forward, be firm , " I do not allow personal conversations like this, and get back to work. We have customers to satisfy. Document everything, print emails from her, texts if any.
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 12:26PM UTC
If you have other offers on the table, at least consider them. I wouldn’t want to stay at a company with a toxic person like that. Especially if you have a possible exit.
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 12:55PM UTC
Is there any chance that Rachel will be let go soon? If so, there is no reason to disrupt your life for her. Only change jobs if you think it will be better for you and your career. Don’t let her push you out!
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 1:11PM UTC
If you did not do anything wrong, then hold your head up high and weather the storm. That is all this is, a storm. Do not let a newbie with questionable ethics and a drama-filled life ruin your career and tenure in a company you enjoy.
Having said that, document everything, and make sure you are consistent with your side of the story. People like that tend to repeat behaviors, and it is a matter of time before she does it to someone else.
Also, if the stalker is tech savvy enough, who is to say they didn't hack into her system/accounts to read the messages between you?
Those who know you and know your character at work do not believe her. For those who take her side, you have no control over what they choose to believe.
In my opinion, if you leave with this cloud over your head, you will be dealing with this forever. People tend to think innocent people fight for the truth and not shrink away from character assassination. Stand up for yourself instead of running away. Just my opinion.
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 1:29PM UTC
This is sticky! One thought I had is your company has to be careful firing her. She has started documenting harassment and can/will use it to keep her job. True or not.
Can you stand working at the company knowing you need to be on your guard?
Leaving the company shows you are valued by others and you respect yourself.
The drama will stay as long as it continues to be fueled. Will she let it drop or continue to play on sympathy from co workers.
MottaAugust 22,2022 at 2:58PM UTC
I see a bunch of people commenting here to leave... However, if you leave, the police case will still be there. They may not be questioning you RIGHT NOW.... But they might decide to after you quit.
Good luck. Please let us know how this turns out.
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 4:00PM UTC
I do not feel you are in the wrong here as it is natural to gravitate towards some people and establish a "work-friend" relationship. This young lady is new to the company, new to the city, and appeared to have an interest in learning more about IT. I too have established work-friendships with people I work with (I am a Mgr) and some of my former co-workers are some of my closest friends.
Yes, there is a lot going on with this one but I do not feel as though leaving makes you look guilty. It makes you look like you will not be part of this unnecessary drama and desire to work in a place where you can do your work and get things done. You feel and see the divide in the office so sometimes we choose to remove ourselves from the space in order to maintain professionalism.
However, I will say this and it is more about the move than the reason. When we change jobs, we don't know what we are getting into and there may be several more Rachels at the new place (yes, you now know not to befriend anyone at work) but you could be walking into something just as, if not more toxic and divisive, then what?
If you feel you have a strong reputation at your current company and industry, have the respect and support of leadership, and had no plans to apply for anything else prior to this mess, can you ride out the discomfort a bit longer? Sooner (rather than later), Rachel is going to make (another) misstep and will be terminated. You never know, HR may be building their case as we speak.
Regardless of what you decide, make sure you are not making an emotional decision. Yes, it is easier to remove ourselves from this mess, you just don't know what you are walking into. If you decide to stay, keep doing what you were doing pre-Rachel, being the professional you are, leading your team, making IT moves and making the company better. Those who know you, they know.
Best wishes.
Audrey KirschAugust 22,2022 at 10:38PM UTC
If you like your job and would love to negotiate a better salary and stay, negotiate. Include in the negotiation that you no longer want to mentor Rachel in tech and want to have as little to do with her as possible. Make it clear that you can no longer interact with her in any way but professionally with conversations limited to business matters. That should be non-negotiable. If your boss can't assure you that will be the case, walk. Take yourself out of the drama.
AnonymousAugust 22,2022 at 11:06PM UTC
Your job should have been more proactive to shut her down in spreading rumors. No you should not feel guilty but if you are considering staying you should ask so what are you going to do about this lieing unstable troll
Kristie WhiteAugust 22,2022 at 11:32PM UTC
First - the stalking did not cause Rachel serious mental health issues.
Anyone who would pull this drama stunt for attention already has mental health issues and she is reverse stalking you. HR needs to step in here and discipline this woman for harassment and force her into a psychological evaluation. If she has no proof, evidence, police involvement and is continuing to speak about this to others, it is defamation of character and you have the right to sue her (though these claims are hard to win.) My point here is that she is in the wrong. There are certain people who latch onto someone and then want attention from that person to validate themselves. This sounds like who Rachel is and she needs to be transitioned out - because when you are gone, it will be someone else. And I doubt she is fulfilling her job duties. This was a flirtation for her that was not returned, so she is retaliating. Don't let her get away with it unless you just want to be done with it and leave. Sounds like you have the option. But I would want to shut her down before I left.
AnonymousAugust 23,2022 at 12:25AM UTC
“Rachel” sounds manipulative or is perhaps mentally unstable.
If you’ve not yet cut your ties to her, do so immediately.
Do not make your career decisions based on these rumors. Do what is best for you and your family long-run. If that means taking one of your two great job offers, do so and depart with your head high. This is a business decision.
From what you write, “Rachel” has not been successful in identifying her stalker and has no evidence against you. You might want to put out word that “Rachel’s” accusations are baseless and that you will have no hesitation in taking legal action against her (slander for verbal disparagement, libel if “Rachel” is disparaging you in writing) if she does not desist. That is likely to stop her. But if you’re leaving your company anyway, you might not have to take this step.
If you decide to stay at your current company, what is your company doing to protect you from the rumors that “Rachel” is spreading? Staying on in a situation in which you are being accused of stalking sounds untenable to me.
AnonymousAugust 23,2022 at 12:46AM UTC
Pls read through all the comments in this thread, the OP is not totally innocent here and has admitted there’s more to the story and has mixed personal and professional. Everyone is quick to attack Rachel but this is not one-sided.
AnonymousAugust 23,2022 at 4:27PM UTC
I absolutely agree. The OP was a willing participant and now is looking for absolution. It does not work like that. The office is already divided on the whole drama.
SBAugust 23,2022 at 1:17AM UTC
I'm sorry this happened to you and it sounds like you just want to get away from Rachel and all of the "drama" this has caused. I cannot help but to wonder if she is accusing you so that she can take over your role. Leaving your company will not make you look guilty (after the gossip dies down, there will be something else/someone else to chatter about). Besides, who cares what people think after you leave (most people will see through Rachel and her true colors).
Do what you feel is best for YOU and your career/future. Also, the fact that you have other job offers proves that you are highly qualified and respected. Talk to your boss, weigh the pros and cons of leaving and moreover, go with your gut! Best of luck to you!
AnonymousAugust 23,2022 at 3:34PM UTC
This is odd, she’s accusing you of harassing her yet keeps coming to you to vent etc.
That is rather conflicting. It also sounds like someone who overshares easily, she may have divulged too much to someone else who is stalking/harassing her but doesn’t remember this because you’re her main go to.
Stay away from her and do not confront her. Things will escalate if you do. Just pretend you’re busy or otherwise occupied if she wants to talk/hang out. Something similar happened to me. I tried to confront it head on and it backfired and only spurned her on even more and make up more stuff. Some people enjoy this type of engagement and thrive on it.
To get a peace of mind you should just move onto a new role/company. Working with her at the same company is always going to be a reminder and sore spot regardless of how little contact you have.
AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 1:59PM UTC
I'm trying to be very sensitive to victim blaming here... But I think there are some obvious lessons you can learn here.
Being both a "work friend" and a mentor are not always easy to balance. Mentors have a big responsibility to help guide their mentees. When a mentee is doing something that may hurt their career, like venting endlessly in a senior manager's office about their personal problems. It's a mentor's job to set a boundary and provide them with a good example. You need to be able to tell her it's not the best choice and set firm boundaries. "I'm sorry Rachel, I can't talk about this with you. I am on a deadline. We'll catch up later this week about that project you're working on." Friendships aren't always like that. Especially when there is, I'm assuming, a 10+ year age gap.
Your warning to Rachel was correct "With all this drinking there will be drama". My warning to you would be, If you allow drama into the workplace, there will be workplace drama"
As for should you leave, I personally would. I would take a fresh start and take those lessons with me.
Angie MartinSeptember 1,2022 at 2:32PM UTC
If you want to leave, then do it. I'm assuming the other job offers are more money or better compensation in some way. As far as "making you look guilty", there's no evidence to prove anything, do it's all hearsay, anyway. Most likely it's another person from this bar scene and Rachel doesn't want to acknowledge that.
If you decide to stay, I'd make sure that it's on record that under no circumstances should any retaliation against you be tolerated. This is Rachel's mess to clean up.
AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 7:12AM UTC
This is a perfect example of how one person can upset the balance at a company, and you allowed this to happen, so cut your losses and move on to somewhere new.