This is making me uncomfortable.

This is making me uncomfortable.

Six weeks ago, I started a new job. From what I can tell, things have been going well. I’ve gotten positive feedback from my boss and colleagues about the work I’m doing, and I get along well with the people I work with. In a 1:1 meeting on Friday my boss told me that my “professional, personal, and romantic relationships will flourish if I lower my boundaries.”

It really left me feeling confused and uncomfortable because as I said, I seem to be getting along just fine with people. I also haven’t shared too much about my life outside of work other than I’m married, and a grad student, and love music because I’m still getting to know people and figure we’ll all get to know each other as time goes on. I was particularly bothered about the personal and romantic relationship aspect of the comment because well, it just struck me as inappropriate.

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57 Comments

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  1. Anonymous

    Trust your instincts. Just reading this made me think WOW - not good!.........to say the very least. It sounds like your instincts kicked in and now you need to get in touch and go with them.

  2. Anonymous

    I’m curious about the context.this seems like your manager’s mantra vs feedback for you. I’ve found that mantra to be true. Opening ourselves to new projects and pitching in even if it’s not your job can help you everywhere. At home it’s being agreeable and open to adventure. I think what’s not cool though is if they left you without specific feedback and context.

  3. Anonymous

    I have been open to sharing ideas and helping on projects during my brief time there. I’m uncomfortable with my boss voicing assumptions about my personal life.

  4. Anonymous

    There is no "context" or "full story" when a manager or even a colleague ask you about your romantic life. Romantic life is synonymous with sex life and unwanted discussions of that nature have NO place in the workplace. It's borderline sexual harassment that needs to be closely monitored before it becomes full blown. If you DO try to place boundaries and suddenly find your work being marginalized or treated unfairly, you're probably in the sexual harassment zone. Document the conversation for yourself with dates and summaries.

  5. Anonymous

    she didn’t ask about her personal life, from the post. I think this was an honest mistake that the manager shared one of her life notes and it extended past work. If it becomes a pattern to bring up personal things it should be brought to HR. But we’re all just human. It’s easy to miscalculate.

  6. Anonymous

    That’s very weird. Romantically? That’s got nothing to do with work.

  7. Cara Houser

    Um.... "romantic relationships will flourish if you lower your boundaries"??

    Yes, that's wildly inappropriate for a boss to say. Trust your gut.

    Your romance is your personal business. And boundaries exist for a reason - to keep creeps like that at bay.

    You might say something when you next meet along the lines of: "I'm enjoying working here, and appreciate feedback related to my professional performance." If he strays off into inappropriate territory again, say "I don't see how that is relevant to my work here, can you explain?" He might back off at that point, realizing you are not game for such topics. If not, you may want to consider moving on to a more professional work environment.

  8. Anonymous

    Run, Forrest, RUN!!!!

  9. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career Coach

    That is a very odd comment. I would follow up and ask for tangible examples and context behind what he meant. Then its up to you if you even want to take it or not.

  10. Anonymous

    My boss is a heterosexual married woman if that changes things.

  11. Anonymous

    Sounds like your boss is looking for a third, into partner swapping, or something else along those lines.

  12. Anonymous

    LMAO!!!

  13. Anonymous

    This is a Narcissist trying to manipulate and groom you into a future affair. Like someone else said RUN! Quit tomorrow. Don't wait!

  14. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    YOUR BOSS SAID:

    "In a 1:1 meeting on Friday my boss told me that my “professional, personal, and romantic relationships will flourish if I lower my boundaries.”

    It struck you as inappropriate because it IS inappropriate and you have every right to feel confused and uncomfortable. Only one of those three are any of their business. Your personal and romantic relationships are none of their freaking business.

    You say your boss is a hetero married woman. The hetero part may or not be true. She might be bi. Do not treat this incident any different than you would if a man said that to you.

    In any event, your personal and romantic relationships are none of her business and it was out of line for her to comment on something I'm assuming she knows nothing or next to nothing about.

    I would start documenting this yesterday.

    And I completely disagree with your boss. I recommend you START setting boundaries with her - not lowering them. If she brings this kind of thing up again, I feel like unless you push back, she's going to keep at this. If it happens again, you have to decide how much you want this job. If it happens again, I would suggest you tell her that her bringing up your personal and romantic relationships makes you uncomfortable and to please stop. She made these inappropriate comments after only knowing you for a few weeks.

    Please do not ignore red flags hoping they'll go away. They don't.

    Personally, I'd dust off that resume just in case.

  15. Anonymous

    Not only is the "romantic relationship" comment unprofessional and inappropriate, but the "lowering of boundaries" is NEVER healthy. Unless you have a habit of pushing people away, which I don't gather is the case, maintaining healthy boundaries is something everyone needs to keep. Lowering your boundaries can be significantly unhealthy.

  16. Anonymous

    Throughout my many years of employment, I have learned to listen to your gut feeling. Not only is it inappropriate, is this considered sexual harassment. My fellow employees are on a need to know basis about my personal life. If it weren't for my patients, I would've found employment elsewhere. It's ok to have great big walls!! Just don't let them crash down on you.

  17. Kim Raper

    Asking you to lower your boundaries is a red flag to me for sure. Something isnt right with that approach and very inappropriate as well. Your personal and romantic relationships are none of your boss or the company's business. Its concerning to me as to the motive behind such a comment given you had gotten positive feedback outside of that meeting.

  18. Deidra Matthews

    Ask for examples…for all three categories, so you can course correct. (You will probably get some stuttering and stammering for a response.)

  19. Kathy Leski

    I don't think there's anything wrong with the Professional and Personal as most, if not all people, have "work friends." The romantic one is a different story. I would ask your boss in your next 1:1 why he said "romantic" relationships? It's possible it was a slip or two co-workers recently were married and on their mind. I'd definitely ask them to clarify.

  20. Kelley Lamb

    Your boss is a weirdo.

  21. Lynne

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It must feel creepy. At the next meeting and any others, maybe bring a pad of paper and if further creepiness ensues, ask her to repeat so you can make sure your notes are clear. Document everything. Start looking for another position.

  22. Liz Milne

    Ask what he means if he says it again - being instantly called out for creepy comments sometimes works to make them realise just how inappropriate they're being... Until then, try and ignore it and continue keeping your head down and getting on with the job...

  23. Anonymous

    Yea, stop, now. Go to HR. Did anyone else ever share any concerns of their talks going over boundaries? I would definitely feel empowered to say that is not acceptable to them.

  24. T. Wilkins

    Express your thoughts, not feelings with that individual. Continue being a professional and never question your professional or work ethic as long as they are aligned appropriately.

    Your thoughts a normal, keep focus move forward. Also, document the situation, the post conversation and any other communication that’s unrelated to work.

    You are correct working relationships grow over time regarding sharing person information, if that’s what you desire. You work performance is paramount!

  25. Anonymous

    I think a boundary was crossed. Set your boundaries with your boss, relating to what your professional life and your personal life needs to look like. You are doing great.

  26. Chelsea Goodwin

    It sounds creepy to me as well, but it also occurs to me that he could have for whatever ungodly reason been quoting an horrorscope..

  27. Milissa Jacobs

    The best work advice I ever received was 'don't crap where you eat.' I am friendly at work but not friends. Outside of work-related activities, I didn't hang out with my co-workers. I know that networking is important, but it can be done with firm boundaries in place, and all while keeping work relationships professional.

  28. Anonymous

    Agree with Chelsea here, think of the best of intensions ... I would also have the difficult conversation with your boss how that comment made you feel so you clear the air....

  29. Ryann Redmond

    Speaking of boundaries, I think this crosses one. On one hand, I can appreciate that your boss is looking out for your wellbeing by caring about your relationships but it seems it wasn't articulated appropriately and it sounds like she is making an assumption about your relationships vs. providing feedback - as in, if she is concerned about your boundaries, that is what she should share with you and why. I would want to know what she means by "lower your boundaries" - that seems like a bizzare perspective.

  30. Liliana

    Very creepy comment and if it is bothering so much, I would definitely bring it up with him/her/they, or talk to HR, or talk to another manager about it. You can also change nothing and continue to observe if these comments are a pattern of something bigger or you could just ask for him/her/they to clarify what specific professional behavior of yours was he/she/they getting at with this comment? Like you, I have learned to keep my home life private at work, for the best.

  31. Diana Gill

    Creepy statement on his/her part! Listen to your gut-

  32. Kristine Ryan

    Your feelings of discomfort are warranted - that actually crosses a boundary. What an odd comment to make. No one has to know more about you outside of work beyond what you've already shared, especially if you prefer to keep that entirely separate. Interests are great to share, but no one needs to know your relationship status, or anything else for that matter.

    Your leader's role is to get to know how he/she can support you in your growth, remove barriers for you, and ensure you have the tools you need to do your job well and feel happy doing it.

    It might be a little uncomfortable, but I recommend asking during your next 1:1, "what did you mean by XYZ...?" You can certainly say that you don't feel it's necessary to share "romantic" boundaries at work - that's not how you roll (if that's the case.)

    Read the book Crucial Accountability!

  33. Anonymous

    Update

    My boss texted me at 10:10 pm and did not respond. They mentioned the text in an email follow up about the same topic. I responded by saying that the text was received outside of business hours and didn’t respond because it wasn’t an emergency. My boss responded by calling me and asking me to explain more about what I had said in the email. I said that I need strong boundaries between work and the rest of my life in order to be my best at both. My boss said that my language had been too formal and that they needed me to be a kinder colleague. That they would not text me outside of business hours and that even though I didn’t want to be their friend that they would like to feel the same warmth and support from me that my other colleagues felt.

  34. Anonymous

    This actually scares me. Perhaps it’s my PTSD talking, but this sounds like a manipulative man who is using his authority to gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong and need to do as he suggests. I’m going to be the voice of paranoia for you: if you want permission to feel very concerned, you officially have it.

  35. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    WOW, OP - this just keeps getting creepier!

    YOUR BOSS SAID: "they needed me to be a kinder colleague"

    and

    "they would like to feel the same warmth and support from me that my other colleagues felt."

    That's a her problem - not a you problem. Don't make it your problem. I don't see where you've been unkind in any way.

    Sorry to say but this just reinforces my previous comment about firing your resume back up.

  36. Anonymous

    We've entered stalker territory folks. Report it and be prepared to move on.

  37. Anonymous

    When you said small non-profit I kinda got where this was going. He's DEF setting the tone of the type of team he wants. Basically a friend pod. Those tend to work well when everyone's onboard but it's odd that didn't come up at the interview. I'd hate for you to lose your job b/c you're not on the same page. I'd suggest having an 'uncomfortable conversation' about your comfort zones in a less formal setting. That way you can agree to work from a mutual point. What the future holds is really up to the both of you. If you see alot of gain from the role, remind him of why you are excited about the role and the future you see for the company.

  38. Sharon C. Kiely, MD

    It completely makes sense that a comment such as this would make you feel uncomfortable and confused. I agree with others comments to seek clarification, using their exact words. You will have that in your pocket for the next time because I think there will be a next time. And when they respond, listen to their words. My son said, "When people tell you who they are, believe them."

  39. Sam hammack

    This makes me uncomfortable for you. This could easily become sexual harassment and manipulation. Do you have an HR department you can go to? Or are you comfortable letting this boss know that what he said to you has caused you concern? You do not have to be subjected to comments of this nature that make you uncomfortable.

  40. Anonymous

    No HR department. It’s a small nonprofit. In fact HR would technically be this person. I’ve thought about going to the Board but I need a new job lined up first.

  41. Anonymous

    As someone who had a manipulative boss (on more than one occasion), this is a massive red flag. The fact that you have only been their 6 weeks seems like they are testing the waters to see how far they can push you. I agree with taking notes after your 1:1 and having that in your pocket. That way, if something is said or if they tried to reach you outside hours again, you can remind them what was stated.

    Work places are not for romance, friendship, or family (while they can obviously occur there). It’s for work. I have zero trust for any place that encourages otherwise.

  42. Anonymous

    Highly inappropriate and unprofessional. I would let that particular boss know that. If the behavior persists, I would bring it to HR.

  43. EMILY KIKUE FRANK

    I worked with a client once whose boss kept telling him he needed to talk about his personal life in staff meetings. He left. It's not your job to coddle people who want to know about your private business. Keep those boundaries firm with this boss! This isn't appropriate and I think your boss is trying to manipulate you.

  44. Kathryn

    NO you do not. Boundaries are personal. Your boss way over stepped. You need to keep what makes you happy. Your boss may want more closeness with you but they are pushing and should not be. Keep doing what you are doing and if they mention it again ask if it affects your work and see what they say. If not then don't worry. If they say well it can, your response is can you sh. If you have good HR go there too

  45. Audrey Kirsch

    At the next one on one meeting take out your phone and ask if he minds if you record the meeting. Say you want the info in case you need to refer back to it later when completing projects or to improve your performance. His reaction will let you know if he is aware of how inappropriate he is or if he is just terrible at expressing himself and understanding everyone's boundaries.

  46. Anonymous

    SO, this is intimidation which is a form of harassment. Go to HR. Do not pass GO and do not collect $200 or take a ride on the Reading. DOCUMENT every conversation you have. Names, dates, and what you talked about. This is not ok.

  47. Anonymous

    Do NOT go to HR, as HR works for the company and will absolutely protect a higher-up before they will side with you.

  48. Anonymous

    That isn't true at all.

  49. Kathy Leski

    HR is actually impartial, they protect the employee bringing the concern to them and yes, the company by appropriately addressing and escalating issues that can balloon into court cases. I know many HR leaders and they definitely don't shy away from addressing an issue whether it's a manager or SVP in the company. There's far more checks and balances when it's an EVP SVP or higher, but it still is addressed.

  50. Shelly Edwards

    This is neither intimidation or harassment but it is crossing the line. I would have a conversation in your next one on one or set a separate meeting to discuss the feedback. Let your boss know that it made you uncomfortable and if it’s all the same to your boss, you’d prefer if future feedback could be limited to your professional work and conduct, not your personal or romantic life. Remind your boss that your life outside of work has nothing to do with your work and you’d like to keep it that way. Set some boundaries for going forward and then ask your boss to stick within them. If your boss does not do that, then it may become an issue for HR to handle.

  51. surfnwrite

    Your boss is a needy, unwell person who may or may not be flirting with you, and using her position of power to get what she wants from you on a personal level. I would get out of this situation now before it gets worse.

  52. Christine

    was the boss reading a horoscope page just before you came in? Sometimes odd is just odd. I'd let it go unless it happens again and then I'd ask what was meant by that.

  53. Anonymous

    If HR ' sides ' with someone because of their position in the company then GET OUT OF THAT COMPANY. It is a toxic work environment.

  54. Tiana Mumford

    Good day

    That is a strange comment it’s not too late to ask your supervisor to clarify what was meant behind romantic relationships before seeking HR advice. Also ask in writing . Good luck

  55. Anonymous

    this reminds me of where I am now. I'm in a temporary housing displacement facility and some of the staff make me SUPER uncomfortable at times(not going to go into details but undeniable harassment , all the way up to one of the mini direcctors) but theres little to no hope getting help being at the bottom of the sea. also, im about 6ft so the optics doesn't help. it's horrible and physically slickening but id suggest aggressively trying to relocate.

  56. Rita Palanjian

    Sorry this happened to you. Wonder if he has Aspergers. Really weird someone in this day and age talks at this level. You'll feel better about yourself when you speak up and take care of yourself.

  57. Anonymous

    I'm amazed so many people are assigning a sex to this boss when the OP did not mention one!
    Also, the comment about the boss possibly having Aspergers (which would less offensively be referred to as ASD 1) is such an inappropriate assignment for so many reasons...but onto what the OP had concerns about!

    This boss is obviously manipulative, regardless of sex. It would be best to get out of that situation. It is not appropriate for anyone to tell you what your personal boundaries should be (period!) and this sounds like it's already getting into dangerous territory with said boss calling you outside work hours regarding nothing that has to do with whether or not you show up to work the next business day; that really should be the only reason for a call (though a text would do, unless there's an emergence, e.g. your boss knows you're already en route to work and hopes to catch you before you drive all the way there only to find out, e.g. the building is flooded)...

    HOWEVER, I could see how if you were salaried, it might be appropriate for your boss to call you outside of work, but ONLY for a WORK-related matter, and a matter that needed touching base before the start of the next work day--that's the only other time I can think. Your boss shouldn't be calling you about a personal matter, especially when it's on your personal time.It sounds like you've already had your one-on-one with the boss due to the late night call (by the way, awesome job on establishing boundaries during that call!). With that said, I'm not sure why so many posters think you need to have another, one-on-one, in-person session with this predator. I'm concerned for a lot of people that made the comments they did. You've already said your peace, which was clearly not respected. In a matter of speaking, "no means no", and your boss still doesn't seem to be getting that and insists you are the problem (gaslighting, anyone?). You do what feels most comfortable to you!

    If you feel you might get help from the board, perhaps that might be a place to try, esp. if it says in your contract they are an option to go to for possible harrassment. (There should always someone above your supervisor you can go to.) Again, though, you have to feel comfortable (as in you do not feel like they'll make matters worse, or are predators themselves!) in going to them. If you've already met them and get the feelers that they don't/won't help (and possibly are encouraging the problem?), the next step would be above them (if anyone) or simply getting out of there. There are also state and federal rules about harrassment, and calling your local L&I (and UI office) might be an option, especially if you think you need to immediately quit out of safety concerns, but are also concerned about finances (quitting but then needing to find a job and now not having one). I know people always say "look for another job before you leave"...but you never know when that next job might pop up, and your mental (and physical health and/or livelihood) aren't worth the risk if this person ends up doing worse than verbal manipulation to you. I'm not in your shoes, though, and only know you know what the full situation is and what might work best for you. But I (importantly) digress...

    I don't have experience with boards, so I couldn't tell you if they're the ones to go to or if they would be helpful. I do, however, have experience with HR and reporting a predator client, but that's a whole 'nother story at a whole different company. Hopefully, someone out there might be able to chime in on solvency on (or lack of) addresssing workplace issues with a board?
    I don't know if this is helpful to know (as far as knowing a possible outcome/response from the higher ups), but my experience with HR still kept that client coming to my place of employ, though I suppose it is possible my supervisor could have stopped that client from coming (I'm not sure and it's all a done deal since that client eventually left). My supervisor did at least try to minimize my direct working contact with that client and the client did stop making additional attempts to call my place of employ asking specifically for me to talk to about personal matters (along with stopping verbally inviting themselves to my home).I'm not sure what solution a board might come up with since the person you're having issues with is your boss. I would definitely not agree to you having another one-on-one with said boss, though mediation might be possible--but, again, only if you feel comfortable about the process (be sure to ask about how the process will go, expected place and day/time it will be held, and who all will be mediating AND present, before agreeing to it!). Unfortunately, on an unrelated (but work relative) topic, I do have experience with mediation as well--that also went bad and potentatilly created more problems, though it did not help that it was the "mediator's" (read "boss's") choice to feel the need to have the mediation. Basically, the mediation regarded a different employee violating what the boss was clear being a rule, but the boss's violation somehow turned into my violation (fun times with projection)...but alas. There was no forewarning about it or even what the heck it was about until I was in it. It was clear my boss did not have mediation skills, though it also didn't help that there wasn't actually anything needing mediation. It was totally uncomfortable and inappropriate. Fortunately, admin did a lateral move and I ended up working with a more suitable supervisor.

    My experiences might not necessarily be what yours end up being, though. And...your feelers seem right on par for your situation. I'm uncomfortable for you! Keep following your instincts (and feelers)! It's when we ignore our instincts that we get into trouble :-/ I wish the best for you--both in work comfort and overall safety!

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