Is this depression, burnout or am I just being a wuss?

43 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 17,2024 at 9:05PM UTC

   Happy birthday! First off, congrats on being so successful in you consulting work. The fact that you're getting so much business may mean you can afford to be a little more picky about clients and/or charge more. One suggestion - you need a mind shift about taking vacation time. It's not unpaid - you earned it based on the work that you do. You can even do a similar calculation to when they do at work - if you assume that you get four weeks of vacation a year, you need to work about 2 1/2 weeks for every day of vacation you take.

   Being self employed isn't for everyone. And it's scary to be the sole breadwinner. But don't be so hard on yourself.

   When you say your husband is too young for retirement, do you mean that he can't take money from a 401k yet? If that's the issue, just know that there is a way to do that without getting hit by penalties - it's called a SEPP. Too complicated for this post, but it could be a way to provide a financial cushion if you need it during any transition time. Or just to take the stress of being the sole breadwinner off of you.

2. AnonymousMay 18,2024 at 1:30PM UTC

   If your husband cannot work due to his mental health, has he applied for disability through SSA? Mental health diagnoses are qualifying conditions because they keep many people from being able to keep jobs. After age 50, it is also much easier to qualify and the rate is the same as (or similar to) full retirement benefits. The biggest bonus is he would also qualify for Medicare, so you wouldn't have to worry about paying for his insurance.

3. AnonymousMay 18,2024 at 5:24PM UTC

   I found myself in a similar situation right around and through my 50th year.

   I was consulting and was basically the breadwinner with a four-person household.

   What I have to ask you is: are you taking care of yourself? Scheduling breaks for yourself throughout the day/week/month?

   I found that in order to be the most productive, I could not overwhelm myself. From what you said - taking on three jobs and then having to drop one, etc., it sounds like you may be overwhelming yourself trying to make sure that the income is there.

   One of the most important things to remember, that is often forgotten, especially by us, is that if we are not in the picture - healthwise, then we are not able to do the things that we count on ourselves to do. ...And, this does in fact include mental health, physical health, spiritual health, etc.

   Start with taking care of yourself, and that includes making a family budget and sticking to it. You cannot be all to everyone if you cannot start with yourself.

   It can definitely get overwhelming when you are the one everyone counts on. What worked for me was taking care of myself first thing in the morning. I joined a group of people to exercise with, and sometimes the exercise was as small as taking a walk, and could be as strenuous as boot camp boxing. It depended on my needs and it depended on how I felt, but it was me taking care of me first thing, everyday.

   Once my priorities were established, the consulting I did was a pleasure and my family and I looked forward to doing everything we planned. We were able to make decisions together and to move in the direction of our financial freedom and realizing our dreams.

   Don't beat yourself up, habits take time to establish, but you have to start somewhere.

4. Jen MooreMay 19,2024 at 1:06PM UTC

   I’ve done both and ultimately you find out whether you have tolerance for even being an employee The problem for me ended up being if anyone even wants a talented older woman as an employee? I just switched back from having paid days off bc the control factor wasn’t worth it

5. MargaritaMay 19,2024 at 2:36PM UTC

   Hey I hear you. First, I want to congratulate you in taking that leap to work for yourself. Your new perspective is allowing you to see how business owners feel and since you’ve been an employee you understand that side too. After reading your post I see one way to help yourself out —hire someone part time. It’s will take some load off you. In fact, you can employ your husband to perform minor tasks that can help you. You can also employ your teenager. That will help the financials of your LLC and if your family works for you they will feel more responsible for the business. Unfortunately, you’ll work hard no matter what you choose, so choose you first always. Since you’re all the family has, you need to self preserve. Sorry for my grammar, wanted to send a quick response.

6. MandyMay 19,2024 at 2:56PM UTC

   I empathize with your situation except that mine is the opposite. I am the one who had to leave the corporate world due to health issues. I am very independent and cannot stand that my husband is the sole bread winner. I decided to take the pressure off him and run the “business” portion of the business since he is a plumber doing the manual labor for very long hours especially with me not working. I considered going back to “the office”, but we couldn’t afford to hire someone else. Instead, I’m now getting my real estate license and health insurance license; both will allow me to keep up with our business and still bring in the extra income we need. Not to mention, some of my independence.

   Hope that things turn around for you! It’s rough and no one can accuse you of “being a baby”! You may, also, consider a business coach to continue your consulting on your own. Mine has been a god send! I will be glad to give you her number and she could provide you with done resources even if you don’t use her services.

7. AnonymousMay 19,2024 at 3:08PM UTC

   I learned to value my personal time & mental health more than money. Done with the guilt because I’m not saving lives w/ what I do, clients can wait!

8. AnonymousMay 19,2024 at 3:24PM UTC

   Hey.. reading your post it seems like you’re in your early menopause stage you’re thinking a hold lot of iffy ideas about your career path I will say try other ways to cope with the changes going on in your life right now,maybe join the gym or work out in public somewhere it wouldn’t hurt to burn a few muscles it sure will make you feel better about yourself and your decisions I will say anyone can go out in make money to try to satisfy their every needs but you can’t make any common needs as in tough decisions so try to come into your thoughts meaning come into touch with yourself your own self worth In take on other goals.good luck

9. AnonymousMay 19,2024 at 4:55PM UTC

   seriously? blaming menopause...

10. AnonymousMay 19,2024 at 5:03PM UTC

    I started my career as an FTE and then moved to consulting. I've kind of mastered how to do what you are dealing with. Yes, it is draining being the one who has to sell my services and then also to do the work. Being your own boss is hard, you own it all and cannot offload it to anyone else. Give yourself grace and the space to totally unplug when you need to. I treat each hour of the day as part of my checkbook register for give and take. Some items are give (billable) and others are take ( I earned this break).

    A few suggestions, first- prioritize the things in your life and give them priority levels one spreadsheet for work life and the other for personal needs and family. Then think about the percentage of time you currently devote to those things, and what you must do in time amounts and what you can kick to the curb for doing later.

    Make sure you plug in time for decompression for your own self. Make sure that each day you add in time for either meditation, self love (massage, gym, read a book, lunch, etc.) Then use this plan for 30 days and see if you feel any better. I also suggest doing some creative visualization around pulling the plug out of the wall at 5PM each day (or 6) and not doing any work after that. Make weekends sacred, and do things on the weekend that make you happy. Become a slave to your calendar and use that to assure that every day you have some vacation built in. Even if it's just sitting alone in a quiet room and sipping tea. It's not a perfect solution but you have to let go of the expectations you have for earning. Earning is about lots more than just money. It's wonderful that you have a husband who is supportive. You could also put him into the mix and ask for him to take on some small bits of your billable work, of course in the background. It might help him too. Good luck, and no, I for one will not tell you to stop being a baby, you just have to baby yourself!!!!

11. AnonymousMay 19,2024 at 8:46PM UTC

    Men were happy to be the breadwinners and have their wives take leadership in the home. If I were married, that's the set up I would prefer also. Perhaps your husband could take in a part time remote job to keep you both from burning out. And you keep looking for permanent positions and just enough hours to earn health insurance. Best of lucl to you.

12. fduntvMay 20,2024 at 12:55PM UTC

    Wow you are doing a lot!
    It took me a while to “not feel guilty” about taking care of myself because as women we are often taught from the moment we are able to understand language to be helpful and take care of everyone else except ourselves. Overcoming that overwhelming sense of responsibility is difficult, but it can be done. Think of it this way: if you don’t protect your mental and physical health now, what’s going to happen to your family when you are forced to no longer work because of a mental or physical ailment? You’re human, too, and you deserve time off and peace of mind. But the guilt is something you could address with a therapist, who can help you set boundaries, plan your work schedule, find support… I’m thinking that you will then be able to find a job that aligns with your less stressed out future self

13. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdMay 20,2024 at 1:22PM UTC

    No one on this site should ever tell you to "stop being a baby". FGB is a community meant to build up people, not tear them down.

    I don't work for myself, though I have considered the concept a few times. I do, however, often find myself pushed to the wall with multiple things going on. Everyone has the right to take days off. Even if you do nothing, it's for your mental health. It's totally ok.

    And again, you are NOT a baby. You're amazing.

14. EMILY KIKUE FRANKMay 20,2024 at 1:53PM UTC

    I've been self-employed for about 6 years now, and I can tell you that you absolutely must take breaks. Don't think of it as not working = not earning; think of it as it was when you were an employee. Because you're doing everything now, it's absolutely crucial that you take time off. I take at least one 3-day weekend every quarter, and several longer breaks during the year. I time those for my quieter times of year since I wouldn't be making much then anyway. My business coach told me that at least twice a year, ideally 4 or 5 times, I should take a "turtle day," with no plans or obligations at all.

    And depending on what you do, you can explore some passive income options-- online classes and the like. But honestly, I don't do very much of that. I just think of it as the higher earnings when I'm working covering the time off when I'm not.

15. AnonymousMay 20,2024 at 6:36PM UTC

    OP here. I just want to say thank you so much for all the positivity!! I think planning for time off is key, and I feel like I should be able to do this without guilt.

    I spoke with my husband a bit more about this today - basically saying I need to take time off to recharge, and need something to look forward to (planning vacation, time off, home project) in order to not feel so much pressure. He immediately agreed that my time off is important but then began to mansplain why it's important for me to work as many hours as I can.

    So y'all, the calls are coming from INSIDE MY HOUSE!

    I'm pushing back against someone who grew up poor, who wants to put as much towards retirement as possible and who wants me to be happy as a consultant where I can set my own terms. I also have to be comfortable to tell my well-meaning husband that if he wants to bank some dough, he should push himself to make the extra $$. (The tricky party will be saying this to him in the nicest way possible without telling him to eff off.)

    All that said, I realize I have to be ok with taking unbilled time for myself. This has been hard as of late - I was working out pretty regularly until I took on the 3rd job in Feb but that dropped off and it's definitely contributing to my mental wellness.

    Once this 3rd project is officially off my radar (Thursday is my last day) then I will restart with my workouts. I know I'll have a different mindset by the end of next week. If not, I'll be back here with more questions for this great group of positive women! Sending all of you love and happiness on this Monday <3

16. Julie EMay 20,2024 at 6:50PM UTC

    You are way more patient with your husband than I would be. So he gets to claim mental health issues and not work at all but when you say the same to him he tells you to work as many hours as you can? He needs to get a job, even if it’s just part time and see someone who can manage his mental health. It’s not fair to you and I’m angry for you.

17. AnonymousMay 21,2024 at 1:28PM UTC

    I have been the sole source of income in our household of 5 since my first son was born. My husband also has mental health issues and while any extra income would be nice (we've always lived paycheck to paycheck - or shutoff notice to shutoff notice, whichever way you want to look at it LOL), it's me who has to continuously reassure him.

    He feels guilty for not working, and will go through periods where he keeps asking if he's doing enough. I just tell him as long as he's happy and sober, I'm happy. And he has always done enough - grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, pet care, transportation for our boys...he really does it all. I could not do what I do without him and I repeatedly tell him this.

    All that being said, I would frame your response to your husband as something like, "I just want you to be happy and healthy. If that means getting a part-time job to build up more savings, that's fine."

    I know it's hard, but you can hold your boundaries, take care of yourself, and be a supportive spouse all at the same time.

18. Stephanie Branch LekowskiMay 21,2024 at 12:43PM UTC

    Happy 50th Birthday and stop being so hard on yourself! It sounds like you've put yourself in a no-win mindset- either you're working for yourself and feeling guilty or looking to go back to working for an employer, but still feel8ng guilty and not getting anywhere. You need to give yourself a freakin' break. Do research to make sure you find a job that will minimize the chance of burnout, or you'll find yourself in the same situation very soon. As for your husband, I hope he's getting the help he needs and your son is amazing. Great luck!

19. Carola FuertesMay 21,2024 at 1:37PM UTC

    It sounds Like there’s a lot of pressure on your nervous system right now, and can often tint how you experience things in your life.

    There might be some beliefs that are unconsciously playing against you. Can you identify what those might be?

    For example, if you have a strong association between making money and feeling safe it’s going to be very hard to rest, when that means that you’re not billing hours. You could plan for a break, schedule it, force yourself to have it, you could take a vacation, etc, but your nervous system won’t let you relax, until you clear that association between being busy working and driving your safety from that.

    Take note of your unspoken biggest fears, what does that part of you that doesn’t allow you to take a break and relax fear it could happen if you did, in fact relax? Many of my clients fear they will end up homeless, poor, living in a van under the bridge. It’s a very real fear so we need to honor it. What is it for you?

    And how likely is it really? What would need to happen for you to end up there? You will find that there’s so much you could do before you found yourself in an extreme situation like that, that it’s not very likely. What is it for you?

    Then take a hard look at the numbers. Sit down alone or with your husband if that would be helpful, and write down exactly what you need. you could have a bare minimums list and a nice to haves.

    translate that into hours of work, how much you need to work to make that amount. Is that reasonable? Do you want to work that many hours?

    if it’s too much, what are the options? Could you charge more? You already said you’re undercharging and you currently have more demand than you can handle. Sometimes raising your rates helps balance that out. Could your husband and even your teenager contribute? What other options are?

    Message me if you’d like me to guide you through these exercises, I’d love to support you through this difficult time, as gift.

20. Cher GoodchildMay 21,2024 at 1:39PM UTC

    The only thing I can say is you're my new hero.
    You're kicking arse and taking names and you vent if you need to! I'm so proud of your work ethic and your drive to keep going. So, whatever you do, keep going! If anyone tells you to woman up, I'm going to send them a virtual elbow drop. HAHA KIDDING!

    Honestly, to find any kind of work ethic today seems so hard. We've been trying to hire for 2 years. We just can't find good people. We actually made it to the offer with one, and then she decided to take a different position elsewhere.

    I dunno. You rock. You just keep rocking. You got this.

21. AnonymousMay 21,2024 at 1:44PM UTC

    you are tired. that's it. major life changes in the last couple of years, and alot on your shoulders. Would you believe that I've been on the same journey in a different field (Healthcare)...? So I can comment on all of this. Firstly, I lost my very stable job thru a corporate buy out 5.5 years ago. VERY TRAUMATIC for me; I prided myself on high performance, etc. So, then struggled and found a new job (horrible employer but it was work and paycheck with benefits. Stuck it out for 2.5 years at new job- but it was HORRIBLE. So, I started working solo. I formed an LLC (like you)- My husband, mind you, has not worked since 2014. He has chronic heealth issues, in his 60's, and no- he is not drawing SS yet, and has no pension. So, we LIVE on what I made- So yes, I get it. And like you, My husband is a good man and does EVERYTHING at home. So yes, I get it. But I found that being self employed, having no benefits, sick pay, and having to search out work (and make sure that I get paid, which is a whole nother issue)-- I've found this to be very PERSONALLY STRESSFUL. You don't realize that when you are working FOR someone else, you become very reliant upon what your employer provides TO YOU. Insurance, sick pay, everything. I discovered all of this too. But-- here is the catch: I'm now 3 years into being self employed, an LLC- I make excellent money, and i LOVE my freedom. If I want to sleep until 8 AM, I do so. If we want to schedule a long weekend trip just for fun, I can do it. There are other weeks in which I'm completely underwater with my work, but I still control all of it. It takes a WHILE to get used to working for yourself, and to do that mental adjustment, in which you're not leaning on the employer to provide extras....But I would say that in the last year, I've really settled into my LLC and my solo role. SEveral mos ago, I was offered a job by a hospital system- I loved the idea of getting benefits again, until I looked at their cheesy benefit package- yep, it wasn't MUCH better than what we are paying out of pocket now....And there are SO MANY tax deductions available to you as an LLC. For instance, you can deduct your medical insurance premiums- you couldn't do that when working for Company X. Give it time. You are on the big swing of adjusting to being self employed. I honestly think that if you jump back into the corporate rat race, you'll be sorry. But it's WEARYING to go it alone, and takes a while to settle into the role. I know. I hope this helps (I'm 63, by the way).

22. AnonymousMay 21,2024 at 1:46PM UTC

    agree 100%. when I consider the nonsense and toxicity I witnessed (and experienced) as an "employee"-- no no no!

23. Marcia SmithMay 21,2024 at 2:15PM UTC

    My husband also retired early - he was a welder and it was literally killing him. So he does all of the housework, including cooking and shopping - and I work to pay the bills. It is a LOT of responsibility and I totally get the "guilt trip" when you need to take a break. we worry because we care. we know that if we don't pay the bills, they don't get paid. This is also a very nontraditional role we have - but for me, it works really well. I now see my therapist EVERY month - it really helps me stay on track and keep healthy boundaries. I use an online service and it's not much - but $100 per month for 1 hour - so I just add it to our monthly expenses - it's important and a priority. Good luck - live your best life the way you want to. There is no right or wrong way - just the best way for you and your family. You are DEFINITELY not being a "baby". It is foolish to ignore your feelings and fears.

24. April Donnell-SurgantMay 21,2024 at 2:30PM UTC

    My situation isn't exactly the same but divorced single mom, two boys 9 and 5, and a mortgage to cover all by myself. It is stressful. Having a safety net with another contributor but definitely ease some of my anxiety, but it's worth my sense of peace for it to just be me. It's stressful!

    My heart goes out to you during this time. I hope it gets better.

25. Kelly QuinanaMay 21,2024 at 2:32PM UTC

    Ha! I shan't tell you that you're being a baby because I'm 35 and have been feeling like that since covid, but praise God, I'm in a better place mentally because I blew through my vacation and sick days in 2022 and it's only now that I feel like I am breathing again. Mental health is serious! And we take it very lightly, unfortunately?

26. Balanced124557May 21,2024 at 5:10PM UTC

    Have you thought about parntering up with someone? That way you can share the load and not have to drop clients. One can cover for the other during vacations and so on, too.

27. Rebecca A BrittMay 21,2024 at 5:35PM UTC

    oof...seriously I literally could have written this post.

    I don't know if I have advice, but I have buckets of empathy.

    I'm also an independent contractor working 2-4 jobs depending on the day of the week. I did it on and off for almost 25 years but it's been really hitting hard in the last 2 years.

    I feel like I'm working harder than ever, am busier than ever but have too much month at the end of the money.

    My husband has a highly physical but part time job and being the primary breadwinner (and insurance!) is overwhelming.

    I got hit with taxes (saved them but was so afraid to file quarterly) so have a huge penalty.

    I'm 57 and the thought of doing this for A LEAST another 10 years makes me cry. And I love my job.

    I'm never on vacation and at my one role, I took a day off, then "made up the hours" the following week, only to be told by my agency that it isn't allowed.

    I'm not sure I have any true advice--but know that you aren't alone. I also consider looking for FT work but I don't think that I'll come out ahead in the long run.

    The one thing I was going to TRY to do (but haven't so far) is to figure out how much money is a 2 week vacation. Then I was going to divide it up by each invoice (percentage wise) and put it into a separate checking account. I use Bluevine for my business and it lets you have multiple checking accounts under one main account.

    With the "vacation" account, I can now SEE when I have vacation money and can transfer that to my salary account when I need to use it. I also want to put in for holidays and sick days.

    We HAVE to take time off or we'll get burned out. We cannot pour from an empty cup.

    Okay, now I am going to do it right after my 2 hours of client calls.

    GOOD LUCK!!!

28. Danell ArvbergerMay 21,2024 at 6:40PM UTC

    I wish I could give you the magic potion to make all the uncertainty go away. I'm experiencing something similar and wanted to say you're not alone. You taking the time sharing what you're going through is brave. talking with other women this topic is weighing heavy. All we can do is be there for each other and encourage one another. I'm sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. I hope you take some time for self care. It has helped so much with my mental health. We're here for you!

29. AnonymousMay 21,2024 at 7:25PM UTC

    Many of us in the Consulting world feel your pain.
    I am also thinking about going back to being a Permanent FTE because I do miss the fringe benefits. I racked up about 2.5 months of vaca per year by being with the same company for 22 years. Now, I have 0 and it's a tough adjustment. Try building out your profile on LinkedIn for the job you're looking for (if you haven't already). The recruiters will come to you. It does take time to find the right opportunity.

    I'm lucky though. While my husband does the bare minimum when it comes to housework, he does have a decent job in Transit with the City of New York that provides us with EXCELLENT healthcare and other cool benefits. I had a baby for damn near free (no Deductibles or Coinsurance). So that does make Consulting doable for right now.

    And when it comes to vacations, I just take either a loan out of my 401K or withdraw the funds (and rollover the money back into an IRA within 60 days) to avoid taxes/penalty. And it does suck that I can't make up the time to avoid not being paid at all.

    And with the Consulting I do, it's more "Staff Augmentation" so it feels like I'm right back in Corporate America again without the benefits of being a Permanent EE. So, I'm seriously thinking about going back to Permanent. I've just become accustomed to making a certain amount of money and it seems hard to find in Industry unless you're trying to be Chief of Staff to some CEO or leading tons of people with personalities/issues I am not built for.

30. AnonymousMay 21,2024 at 8:11PM UTC

    I completely left the corporate world, happily for 3 years, during which I became my own boss oin an unrelated field. For the same reasons as you, I hated it. I worked with a local staffing company and was able to get a job in my prove range pretty quickly and I have never appreciated being a cog in the machine more than I do now. I did end up at a company where the culture works pretty well for me, but being your own boss isn't all it's cracked up to be.

    I hope you find the right balance for yourself and your family, whether it's going back to working for someone else or making changes to your business, so that you're meeting your personal needs. Take care!

31. AnonymousMay 21,2024 at 8:41PM UTC

    I don't work contract, but I do work 2 jobs which equates to 14 hours a day. I get ONE day off from both places which helps me have a day to get personal things done and I lose time if I have an appointment since most places aren't open on weekends or nights. Even with a couple nights a week off, all I want to do when I get home is snuggle into my bed and watch TV. I'm usually snoring by 10 PM.

    The last time I didn't stand up for myself and ask for a few nights off in the week, I went like that for about a month and then I got so sick (probably from burn-out) that I missed 4 days. I slept through 2 days, and then I slowly did stuff I needed to do the other 2 days to try to get back up to speed. Essentially, I can't afford to get sick. Literally. I work for a place with no PTO or medical benefits. So even though I knew I was burned out and did actually get sick, I lost 4 days of pay from both my jobs. It's important to stand up for yourself. I used to want to be a people pleaser, hoping that if I was always there, not complaining, that it would be noticed. Guess what? NOBODY noticed. They only complained about me being out for 4 days and said nothing about the fact that I did seriously get sick. When you sleep through 2 straight days, that makes a statement. Now, I've taken less hours at my second job even though like you, I work to support my retired mother and my 19-year-old who is going to college. Without my help, it impacts everyone in my household. Of course, they are sympathetic and empathetic because I'm so underpaid that it's really a joke. I'm afraid to leave where I've been the last 3 years since the state of TX is a hire and fire at will. I don't get anything except a hard time when I miss. No compassion, no empathy, just resentment because then my co-workers have to cover my duties as well as their own. So, I absolutely understand! You aren't alone. I've resorted to taking vitamin shots every week at a cryotherapy clinic. Even now, I can feel a slight tickle in my throat. I have also been working day and night for the last month without missing any time. In addition to racing thoughts and the inability to sleep through the entire night without waking up a couple times, I also wake up an hour earlier than my alarm. Go figure...sleep is my favorite thing! I feel for you.

32. Karen P. StoreyMay 21,2024 at 11:05PM UTC

    Hello! With your talent, and success in your business - why go back to work for someone, when you have the expertise to run your own business? Hire a partner! Have them garner business - share profits! He/she will take a load off of your shoulders. There are a thousand ways to do this! Think about it - seriously! Been there done that....

    Karen Storey, CPC, CTS (age 84)

33. Crystal WhitcombMay 22,2024 at 2:22AM UTC

    After a terrible time in corporate, I quit my job in 2019 to open a bakery. Unfortunately, it didn't pan out and I had to return to corporate.

    But I wanted to come on here to say what you are feeling so so normal. You burn yourself out at first putting in so many hours to get started and then feel guilty taking time off when you really need it.

    Something to consider, get a 9-5 job but still keep the business running so that you can always bounce back when you feel like going full time again.

34. KennethaMay 22,2024 at 4:49AM UTC

    I work in a commission based industry. Basically, the same as working for yourself. And what I've seen others do is pay themselves an advance for vacation time. They set a stretch goal and work overtime the month before, hit it and the money generated from that is your "vacation money." Because time off, unplugged, recharged is a MUST. Also, the COST of doing business increases like every thing else. If you've been doing this for a while and can stand on the quality of your work, don't be afraid to ask for what you're worth. Because if they went elsewhere, the other guy wouldn't have an issue with charging fair market value for services... And they'd pay because really, what choice do they have. Also like the idea about a partner. Two heads...

35. SweetpollypurebreedMay 22,2024 at 11:31AM UTC

    Maybe you are feeling both depressed and burnt out.

    And for a wus you are working like a dog. I know it’s easier said than done but I wonder if women beat themselves ( and other women ) up more.

    It seems like everywhere you turn you are beating yourself up and feeling guilty where can you land and give yourself a pat on the back? You need to find that place.

    Also, in my state they have a state sponsored small business association and a women’s business association. I would speak with a knowledgeable business person about how to structure your small business to make the most money possible. Do you have a fee structure that compensates for overtime, difficult clients, etc? Also, is your business a LLC, a Pc, etc so that you limit liability and taxes. Though you have the responsibilities of a male you may not be structuring your business like a male ( can I say smash and grab without being politically incorrect?) Are you structuring your business so that you are making a profit that accommodates for health care and all the pesky things I said above? Try and find a not for profit that helps women or small business people so you can make sure your consulting business is working for you and not the other way around. Also, a networking or entrepreneurial support group, if you can find the time, might not be a bad idea either. Unfortunately, the world may lose its caregivers as they are co-opted into the non caregiving-male take care of me, myself and I work world.

36. Eileen GarciaMay 22,2024 at 8:44PM UTC

    I have also been the main bread winner of my family on and off for years and now at 48 even working a full time job as a permanent employee I am exhausted and wonder about my ability to maintain the workload and my sanity. I think it may be time to schedule in some sick days and vacation days for yourself regardless of getting paid period. I have always loved working a permanent job with all the benefits so if that is route you want to return to don't be sad. It would not hurt to do a low impact job search just to see what is out there that might be comparable or better than your consulting work. You are not a baby just tired of the grind.

37. Farah BajwaMay 22,2024 at 11:36PM UTC

    I'm sorry you're struggling. During the airplane safety demo, they tell you to put on your O2 mask before you help others. The reason for that is, if you can't take care of yourself first, you won't be able to assist others. Women are hard wired differently than men. They can compartmentalize. This is why they can respond to the breadwinner role differently. Women have a tougher time with this. Its tough but communicate with your family. Teams are as strong as their weakest link, so if you need a time out, ask them to cover for you while you get some R&R to get back in the fight. Maybe your husband can drive uber or a while or deliver food and flowers. Maybe your daughter can take a babysitting gig.

    And be patient with the job search. it ebbs and flows and we just came out of the great walkout where companies were hiring like mad. theyre saturated now so it'll take a minute to swing the other way.

    Be kind to yourself.

38. Anna Lovell-Nesmith Professional Burnout SpecialistMay 24,2024 at 3:33PM UTC

    Hello,

    There is definitely a lot going on in your life. I'm running from one thing to the next right now but saw your post and wanted to respond. I'm a professional burnout specialist. I'd be happy to have a quick conversation and see if can offer you any advice. Please know this call would be solely to help and to try to sell you on anything. You have my word.

    You can email me at thehappinessaffect@gmail.com if you're interested.

39. AnonymousMay 27,2024 at 1:11AM UTC

    I admire your sense of responsibility to take care of your family. It’s understandable that you are stressed and burnt out because you have been carrying 3 people on your shoulders.

    While your husband is enjoying being a home maker, and you have a teenager, you can sit them down and expressed to them what you just share with us here. You are tired of being a sole money earner and unless there’s a physical or other legit reasons, your husband and teenager will need to help to bring in some money.

    I also liked the other people’s idea that you hired some help for your projects. You can truly be the boss to gain the business and delegated to other contractors.

    Remember, when you prolonged taking care of yourself, you are putting your family at risks.

40. AnonymousMay 29,2024 at 8:00PM UTC

    I am in the same boat. Things have been tough for me since getting laid off in mid-2022. After transitioning from a tiny, to a small and then now to an emerging small business, I have been a consultant since January 2024. I am tired of justifying rates and working all of the time. They need 100% of my help but can only afford 75% of my salary. I will get commission, so I will convert to W2 to get benefits. I plan to continue small consulting gigs to make up for the salary shortfall, but my goal is to get out of there as soon as possible, work less and get paid what I am worth. In closing, don't woman up. Get some help from hubby to ease the burnout. Brush up your resume, and head to safer and calmer waters. Also, I plan to start dialing it back. For example, don't ask me to ask Accounting, for you. Ask them yourself. You don't get to low ball me salary wise, leverage all of my expertise and then off load work to me, too. I will meet expectations and professionally push back, until I can submit my resignation.

41. Kimberly McKenzie-KlemmMay 30,2024 at 1:16PM UTC

    I remember carrying two contracts, one with 8-6 pm hours and the other I worked from 8 pm-12 or 2 am for three months. I even had to put in part-time on Saturdays for the second contract. I swore the $'s were good, but I would not do it to myself again. I made it through by ensuring I took Sundays off and slept. You need to re-budget or take the permanent route is not something to feel guilty about. More people than you think go back to company work permanent hire 10 years or so before full retirement. Career choices are not easy. The best advice is to make sure your decision is based not only on your needs but also on your commitment and how you feel about your job position(s). Only you need to be at peace with your decision forward.

42. AnonymousJune 10,2024 at 2:01PM UTC

    OP here with a quick update: yesterday, I had a heart to heart with my husband about having him get a job where he can make up the difference if needed, so I can switch gears when the burnout happens. He's on board with doing whatever's necessary to keep me happy and healthy. I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately about how to put myself first before trying to help others.

    I also recognize I have a bit of an issue with perfectionism, which is something I'm owning and trying to work on. Being okay with being "okay" is a hard switch for me, but if it helps with turning off my brain for a little while, it needs to happen.

    As for my job search, I'll still be on the lookout, but I'm not going to break my back searching this summer. I'll pick it back up in the fall and/or New Year. My current contracts are fairly open-ended so I am in good shape, at least through the end of the year.

43. Ayur careMarch 6,2025 at 8:17AM UTC
    It could be depression, burnout or even low testosterone, you are not weak. Men health problems, especially low T, can affect mood, energy, and motivation. Oral testosterone treatment may help, but a doctor can guide you best. https://www.rethinktestosterone.com/blog/how-to-beat-winter-depression