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Anonymous

May 7,2023 at 1:18PM UTC

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Hello all! I could really use some wisdom. Apologies in advance for the long thread.

I’ve been working in a unique position as a dedicated capacity engineer for a large bank, and have created an extensive program that’s passed control and audit checks on multiple occasions. I’ve been in this role for 10 years and lost my work partner/backup 8 years ago when he left for another company, and a backup was never hired. I’ve built up a good reputation and have become well known and a leader and an expert in my field. I also have some huge deadlines coming up on things only I know how to do.

Most of my team are spread out over the country, and all of our meetings are virtual. I’ve also become a mother over these years and have been successfully working remotely for at least 5 years. I worked in a male-dominated department where mothers of small children are extremely rare.

My company is now hot and heavy on returning to office. They want us coming in 3 days a week, which I was doing but it was extremely inefficient in that I’d spend all of this time commuting to the office only to get on phone calls with people all over the country, anyway.

My husband works third shift in a high stress job, so he needs to sleep until the afternoon after work days.

Now to the issue: my daughter is having issues with getting overstimulated /dysregulated at school and ends up getting destructive or aggressive and has been sent home on multiple occasions. This has lead me down a path toward getting her OTs, therapists and ultimately we’re trying to get a diagnosis for adhd, autism or some sort of sensory processing issue. While this has been happening, I’ve been working remotely (with permission-producing the same workload as always) and flexing my work hours to make it work. I’ve requested 4 more weeks to do this and my manager is making a big deal about it. I’m supposed to write up an email that will go to executive leadership and HR to request an exception and he’s making it seem like I’m being unreasonable in my request.

The reason I haven’t hired extra help to manage this is bc 1-the nanny I would engage, she really loves. It would a reward to be sent home. And 2-as punishment, when she gets sent home, she has to stay in her room and play by herself for the remainder of the day with no screens. She HATES this so it serves as a deterrent. Things ARE improving at her school, but it’s a process. She’s supposed to have an OT come to her school twice a week starting this week so I do have hope.

FYI I’ve offered to come into the office straight after daycare drop off and if I have to go get her I can take her home and finish the workday remotely. My manager said this wouldn’t work bc I wouldn’t spend enough time in the office for it to “count”.

My manager and his leadership say they don’t understand why I just don’t take leave or why my husband can’t just “wake up and be a parent”. But it’s a matter of life and death if my husband goes into work sleep deprived…. I also have big deadlines approaching on deliverables they need. If I take leave, I’ll leave them in a lurch. But they don’t seem to be sympathetic or want to work with me bc they’re stuck on RTO with no exceptions.

What would you do? Would you take leave anyway? Request the exception and keep it moving? Or find a full remote job somewhere else?

Thanks in advance for your insight and wisdom!

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Lisa Leslie HefterMay 7,2023 at 2:14PM UTC
This seems like a very reasonable reason for an accommodation to me. If possible, I would work with HR to see if there is any path for permanent accommodation for 100% remote work. If not, your skills are most likely in high demand and I would at least start looking to see what might be available. I wouldn’t threaten your current employer, but let them know your desire and need for remote. It would also help to lay out a plan for success (which it sounds like you’ve already proven). Good luck!
Rosa E HearnMay 7,2023 at 2:19PM UTC
It's your company and managers job to push back and look out for the company's best interest. Just the way it is your job to look out for you and your families best interests.
In other words, don't worry about leaving them in the lurch, if you take leave. That is their problem not yours. Just make sure you leave instructions of what was done and what needs finished.
I also don't think they realize the severe of the situation. I'll admit I don't understand the severity of my employees situation unless it happens to me directly.
That being said. I would get as many doctors notes as possible (therapist, pediatrician, OT, etc...) and submit them and say something like.. "I am currently in a severe position where I need to work from home" I will do my workload without fail but if it becomes unmanageable I will request a leave of absence so not to harm both parties.
Most companies want to make sure you don't take advantage, so putting it in writing that you won't take advantage but leave will hopefully help your argument to keep you at home. Good luck and I'm sorry for your situation.
Personally I see more companies bringing everyone back to the office. I have been seeing less remote jobs lately.
AnonymousMay 7,2023 at 2:41PM UTC
I am the only woman on my team at a large bank doing network stuff. I have two 2e children, one GAD/ADHD and the other ASD. My company is going back to the office and my manager (knowing only my "neurodiversity") suggested I might apply for an exception. Given my circumstances I said "no" ... for now (I can go in 10am-2pm), my husband is in support. It's a fine line between managers being too helpful and not helpful enough. At least my current management has understanding and empathy, my previous one did not. ---I am 2e myself and so for my kids I do Time Ins ("suffer" alongside me, or another person), not Time Outs (in your room) unless the child requests that. Connection is so important for our kiddos, *especially* the ASD ones. (I fostered a destructive ADHD child and it worked wonders there also. Beating our decorative snowmen with sticks? Time for a night game in freezing snow! Here's a bat, here's the pitch --- game on! He grew to love us and it's mutual.) I would suggest getting a caretaker and then having the punishment be extra reading or something (that really is growth and care). For yourself, perhaps you could start with 1 day (rather than 3). My boss has told me if I do 1 day a week to start (and don't goose egg), he's got my back. Wishing you can work this out! If not, b/c this is indicative of a larger problem, you are not alone. A couple years ago, I left a 20+ year career b/c of the highly toxic (discriminative) workplace. Tough stuff.
AnonymousMay 7,2023 at 3:26PM UTC
I also work at a big bank (perhaps the same one you work at based on the 3 day in office requirement) and i agree with another poster, that CEOs and HROs are making sweeping updates that apply to the masses. These policies aren’t designed to handle one-off situations like your own.
Let me start by saying that I’m so sorry you’re experiencing these challenges with your daughter. I’m also a mother and all of us want our children to thrive.
I suspect you’re running into some roadblocks with your boss because while your situation needs some attention and accommodations, I get the sense it’s still developing. It’s really hard to extend waivers to some employees and not others.
If I were in your situation, I’d think long and hard about the path forward and your most valid arguments. Respectfully, your commute is your problem…not your employer’s. It sounds like you have some more avenues to explore with the school and hiring caregivers until you can get a formal diagnosis. If this were me, I’d think about taking a brief LOA to sort this out. Leaving your boss in a lurch, not your problem. Poor planning and lack of redundancy is their’s. If it’s the same bank I work for, they’ll throw some money at your LOA yo backfill while you’re out.
You seem to be taking full responsibility for navigating all of this. I hope your husband is contributing to the solution because your narrative lacks equity in problem solving. All I’m reading is you finding a caregiver, you negotiating with the school, you taking a LOA. If his third shift status precluded him from participating, I really hope he’s doing other things to add balance during this tenuous time.
Truly, best of luck to you.
AnonymousMay 9,2023 at 12:24PM UTC
here is the issue, the school needs to understand you have a JOB and need to do their JOB. , you need to work on our daughters anger issues. you do have valid reasons to work from home, but alot of companies are getting people back into the office, it's their choice. and there is nothing to do about it. Why should everyone come in , but not you, they all have commutes.... I apply only to jobs that are in my commute range that is acceptable... you cannot have kids AND get all you want in your professionnal life. it IS unfortunate but it is a reality you face. and we ALL face.
Elise PilkingtonMay 9,2023 at 2:35PM UTC
If you really like the job, wouldn't mind the commute if it weren't for the issues at home, and can afford it, you might consider taking the leave and turning down the pressure while you sort things out with your daughter. Perhaps your absence will help them realize your value and be more accommodating. If that doesn't make sense, think seriously about finding another job, either fully remote or with a better commute. The company's attitude toward working remotely isn't likely to improve over time. Their willingness to play hardball during a time of need would be aggravating to me for quite a while if not permanently.
AnonymousMay 9,2023 at 3:21PM UTC
I would take the leave and leave them in the lurch with no guilt, since they value "butt in seat" more than getting work done. At the same time I would also consider looking for a job where I had a better/more flexible schedule to accommodate your home responsibilities.