Looking for advice to lead to change.

10 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 10,2023 at 4:28PM UTC

   First, and not wanting to sound insensitive, the Manager is responsible for their actions, words, emotions towards team, and unable to lead. Everything, E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. you mentioned stems from the manager. Making excuses that they take after their parents in the workplace is the company's issue without addressing the continued behaviors. Why do you want to keep a leader who isn't leading, let's call it what it is. They aren't. They are a roadblock for the growth of your own company. They are being treated as an exclusive part of the team and not inclusive as a culture leader. So, either you and your company either allow the continued behaviors from that 'manager' or you lose an employee that is not a behavior risk. If you continue to expect the manager to change next time in a workplace confrontation you're setting yourself up for another failure. Why would they change since there's not someone being brave enough to address. People work for people. You will lose opportunities for a healthy company culture. Shame.

2. Jennifer WeaverMarch 10,2023 at 4:35PM UTC

   First of all thank you for wanting to help the situation instead of turning the other way! Learned behavior is difficult to change, especially when they see others (their parents) being ok with acting in the same way. I only see this going one way and it's gonna not be great to do. Typically, I would love if the environment would be a place where the employee feels comfortable telling the manager themselves. But it seems that since you already know about this, you have to tell her - with no emotion and specific examples. Let her know you back her, and want her to be successful. Since you have no way to predict her reaction, you will have to be ready for several different scenarios. No one likes to be corrected. She will likely be upset. And that has to be okay because you need to move forward. Good Luck.

3. Ron CraswellMarch 10,2023 at 6:57PM UTC

   I'd start with a skip-level conversation if that's possible. Let her manager know what's been going on. Approach it from the direction you did in this post - you want to raise the issue because you think both people are valuable and you just want the problem solved.

   If possible, bring it up in your 1:1 with her (if you have 1:1s - otherwise, you'll just have to schedule something specific.) As you said, she's probably not aware of her behavior so it can be helpful to have the people she's impacted point it out. Keep it directed to things you know - don't assume intention. A good way might be, "that thing that happened the other day was really awkward for me and impacted my ability to be productive for the rest of the day. "

   If that doesn't work, you might be able to go to HR. This depends on what your HR person/org is like. If they're interested in/able to help in situations like this, that would be a great path. If not (or if you don't have any HR), you might have to take things into your own hands.

   Note: this could be dangerous, so only head down this path if you think you and the other parties will be able to handle it in a professional manner. Since most people don't, and you didn't mention it, ,I assume you have no training in conflict counseling. These can be tricky waters.

   "I think it might be a good idea to sit down with [other employee] and figure out a resolution. I'd be happy to be in the room and help mediate so there aren't any misunderstandings."

   Good luck!

4. AnonymousMarch 12,2023 at 1:23PM UTC

   I’m struggling to understand how the manager’s parents factor into the situation here (unless the work for/own the organization). The manager is an adult who is solely responsible for their own behavior, which is clearly not up to organizational standards when it comes to dealing with people. This is your situation- period. Family history should have no bearing here and serves to complicate things unnecessarily.

   This manager treats people this way because they have been allowed to do so and no one has ever stopped them. Conversations should be had with the manager regarding conflict management, de-escalation of issues, and emotional intelligence.

   If both employees are truly valued, model the behavior of showing how to work through issues while making sure each perspective is heard and valued. The manager may not have these skills and may need additional training but still needs to be held accountable for their actions if employees want to leave because they feel demeaned.

   Help the manager build a bridge with this employee so that you can solve the immediate problem, but also show the manager that their behavior is causing more long-term problems for the organization.

   Good luck!

5. Mary PoolMarch 12,2023 at 1:34PM UTC

   Here is the thing, if the manager is unaware of how her behavior is perceived, how is she expected to change? Some say this is the manager's problem, but how can it be her problem if no one has made her aware there is a problem? This is on the shoulders of the manager's management; they should have addressed this issue the very first time it came up! She is not a mind reader. This is an excellent opportunity to bring this issue into the light and offer her training on handling her stress in the future. I think she needs to apologize to this employee and assure her that she is working on herself to ensure this never happens again. This will help both of them move forward. If one has to apologize for inappropriate behaviors, they are more likely to buy into the solution, and it will help the employee thinking about leaving feel more secure.

   I am currently reading Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. You might want to get her a copy.

6. AnonymousMarch 12,2023 at 2:00PM UTC

   It sounds like this manager is getting preferential treatment. We all come from somewhere and have had our share of traumas. But behaving poorly to others on a consistent basis should not be explained away by who their parents are. If the employee they condescended to is ready to quit it is most definitely time for someone to speak with them. They should not get special treatment simply because people know their life story and can excuse away their behavior more readily.

7. AnonymousMarch 12,2023 at 6:56PM UTC

   You need to provide feedback to this manager and support them with professional development. Most managers are not equipped with the skills to manage people. These conversations need to be led with empathy and with growth and development in mind. Most people want to grow stronger in their skills set so identifying an area that can be strengthened is the first step.

8. Carolina Perez SanzMarch 13,2023 at 2:32PM UTC

   Team coaching! As a teams coach, I see this very often. What I do with teams is I have them design an alliance amongst all the members and also an alliance with the leader. In such context, it’s easier for members to tell the leader what’s going on and how they feel when the leader behaves in certain ways.

   If you’re interested or curious, I can show you how to facilitate that conversation.

9. AnonymousMarch 13,2023 at 3:40PM UTC

   Yes, please!! I am very interested!

10. Carolina Perez SanzMarch 13,2023 at 7:53PM UTC

    Great! Use this link https://co-luminacoaching-booking.as.me/curiositychat to schedule a 30 minute conversation in which I can show you the steps––I won't charge you, of course ;)