Is being lonely normal?

Anonymous

September 20,2022 at 2:47AM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

Is being lonely normal?

I've been remote working since the pandemic began in March 2020, and my workplace has decided to stay remote. Some coworkers do travel to meet clients, but in my job I meet with coworkers and/or clients once or twice a month in person now at best. Some months it's all remote. I'm in my early 40s, single and not in a relationship, and I have two cats. I live a day's drive away from my parents and only sibling. I have a good relationship with them, but they aren't geographically close.

I have two friends. One is a single female friend from childhood who lives about four hours away. She used to live more than 12 hours away, but just moved. In the past, we met in person about two to three times a year, but we might meet up more now that she's closer. My other friend is a single male my age who I met through an online dating app four years ago and we decided to just stay friends and it actually worked. He lives 30 minutes away and we meet up twice a month on average to go out to eat, the movies, waterparks, etc.

I also have a couple clubs I belong to that meet in person, but I'm not particularly close to anyone there. I asked someone whom I was friendly with at the club if they wanted to grab coffee or lunch once, but they said they wanted to just see me at the club (I'm not sure why they didn't want to meet outside the club, but I didn't pry). I feel kind of lonely remote working almost all the time with no partner and just having two friends.

But my parents are like oh that's normal, we only have a couple of friends too. Life is just spending long stretches of your time alone. I'm feeling really isolated and lonely though. And at least they have each other. Is it normal to be single and only have a couple of friends? What are other peoples' experiences? I was thinking of trying to get a hybrid job closer to family instead so I could have more interaction. I'm probably about a 8 out of 10 on a scale of extroversion with 10 being the most extroverted. My current job will not allow me to move and keep my position. I live in a big impersonal East coast city. I grew up in a small mid Western town.

Anyone is welcome to comment, but I'd definitely appreciate hearing from single women who have remote jobs to let me know their experiences and what has worked / not worked for them. Thanks.

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

6 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

6 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousSeptember 20,2022 at 1:55PM UTC
Hi there! I'm sorry that you're going through this time of loneliness. This Fairygodboss article may give you some ideas of how to help ease those feelings. https://fairygodboss.com/articles/3-ways-supportive-women-build-genuine-connections-without-meeting-irl
AnonymousSeptember 20,2022 at 8:30PM UTC
I am also working remote and lived alone during the majority of the pandemic. My closest friends live far away, but unlike you I'm probably about a 4 out of 10 on the extroversion scale, so I don't mind it as much. We text each other constantly and will call each other on occasion. One of our favorite things to do is have watch parties so that we are watching the same show at the same time and texting about it. My parents are 30min away, but I see them maybe once a month or less. They have their lives, and I have mine, but we text and call often. I definitely have lonely moments, but being alone doesn't have to be lonely. Here are a few things that you might try.
Have you considered volunteer work? Something that will get you out of the house? Depending on the things that you like to do there are lots of volunteer things you can do especially if you are in a city. Things like helping at a food bank, animal shelter, woman's/homeless shelter, community gardens, senior centers etc. If you can commit to a regular schedule you will find that you will get to know other people who work there more and can become friends.
Do you have any hobbies that you did as a kid that you've wanted to get back into or hobbies that you want to try? If so, try to lean into those a bit. A lot of things have opened back up, so there might be clubs or classes that are starting to meet in person again.
See if your community/neighborhood is having events. I moved into a downtown area and I subscribe to a couple of newsletters specifically for this area and it tells me all sorts of things that are going on. I've gone to some and have made new acquaintances that I'm friendly with and say hi to whenever I see them (the introvert in me wasn't interested in anything more).
It is a bit surprising that if you're fully remote, your company isn't ok with you moving out of the area. Does this mean that there is an option of going back into the office more often than you currently are? You might not have to go in, but would they tell you no if you said you wanted to go in more often?
Lastly, think about what is making you feel lonely (you should probably do this first really). Is it that you aren't feeling fulfilled in your life? Is it that you aren't interacting with people as much? Is it that you don't have someone to do things with more often? Is it that you feel like you are missing out because you aren't comfortable doing them solo? Something else? Knowing the root cause might help you figure out the right solution.
Hope this helps give you some ideas. Good luck! :)
AnonymousSeptember 24,2022 at 11:55PM UTC
Thanks for the ideas. They made us clean out our offices and removed most of the furniture. So if I went back in, I would be there alone besides the front desk person, it would cost $21 / day for parking, and I would either have to find a left over chair somewhere or sit on the floor.
AnonymousSeptember 26,2022 at 10:23PM UTC
Ooph they really don't want you going back to the office. I was talking to one of my coworkers who is super extroverted, and one of the things he's been doing is picking a day or two every week or so to work out of a coffee shop. He was going a bit stir crazy just working from home. Going to the coffee shop gives him a place to go and also the added benefit of having other people around him while he works so he doesn't feel alone. The only thing that is hard about this is that you probably wouldn't be able to take a monitor with you, so it would be best on days with light work. It could be something to try though and change up your routine. :)
AnonymousSeptember 21,2022 at 4:43PM UTC
It depends upon the type of person you are. I'm an introvert, people tire me out. I prefer to spend my free time by myself when I can. I have probably only one close friend from college that lives in another state and we talk every so often. I pen-pal and find that rewarding. If I want interaction, I take a class, go to an event, etc. I have a family so for me, I would love a little bit of your lifestyle. I have tons of hobbies that keep me busy. I would suggest if you are looking for more interaction, take classes, join a bookclub, etc.
AnonymousSeptember 27,2022 at 8:35AM UTC
Being lonely can be completely normal, as your parents said, but feeling lonely is not. But you can feel lonely without being lonely (with a not supportive spouse or growing children) and you can be lonely without feeling lonely. My advice to understand why you feel lonely is to picture your ideal life without any constraints (even salary or time constraints) and then, do your best to live this life 1 day per week (or at least 1 day per month).
Also, if you miss social interaction with your colleagues, you can create a recurrent meeting time for "virtual coffee", it's help me a lot !