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How do I handle when the toxic coworker leaves?

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Anonymous

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How do I handle when the toxic coworker leaves? I've had a horrible coworker who dominated, micromanaged, and didn't get along 3 of 4 team members. They made several, extreme, unfounded accusations to HR. They were all dismissed. Now we are conditioned not to use certain terminology, that we would use in everyday use, such as "it's ok, it's all good" since that was reported to HR to be triggering to this person. Many examples like that and we complied since the person was neurodivergent and I know I felt that complying to something even that simple was a way to help them when they couldn't control themselves. Finally, they have moved on to another position, the rest of us all get along and we trust each other, but we still struggle with the fear of saying something that may be escalated. We don't share what we are working on due to this previous coworker would escalate. How do we as a team get over the years of being on edge? We do well 1-1 with each other, however when in a meeting we still feel on edge as if they may hear about the meeting. Suggestions on how to get past this?

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  1. Anonymous

    I’m sorry this happened to you. It isn’t easy to work with people who are different. I am surprised, though, because I’m neurodivergent (ADHD with suspected autism), a therapist, and have training and experience in workplace conflict.

    Many ND people tend to be kind and empathetic because they’ve had to deal with stress and stigma for a long time. In group situations, one person is rarely the root of problems. There are almost always other contributing factors in any group setting whetherit’s an eye roll, sarcastic tone of voice, eye rolls, sighs, jokes that exclude people, etc. from coworkers that can be upsetting.

    Workplaces can be very stressful for us ND folks. The world was designed for Neurotypical people like you, and things like bright lights, loud noises, forced socialization, rules that don’t make sense, cliques, and/or feeling left out can lead to ADHD or autistic burnout and/or irritability. I’ve been there.

    The statements you made leave me wondering how much your team’s behavior contributed to the coworker’s reactions - ie saying “it’s OK, it’s all good” with a tone like, “it’s OK, it’s all good you crazy and unstable person” would be demeaning and triggering for most people. Saying the person couldn’t “ control” themselves tells me the coworker was very stressed and possibly burned out.

    Feeling like you had to walk on eggshells at work would be stressful. Does your employer have an EAP program? If not, can you see a therapist? Practicing deep breathing and mindfulness skills could be very helpful for you all.

  2. Anonymous

    Sometimes you will need to take it one day at a time. Understand that neurodivergent people may need extra care. However, they had a responsibility to voice what they needed for their comfort. If not to you to management. People can interpret things many ways and if you have needs that you don't communicate then everything seems like an attack when it wasn't meant that way so those who felt the attack are now on the defensive. You may want to get to know the remaining coworkers and decide if any of you need to set limits or define what you need so you don't continue this in the future. I am sorry you had to experience this discomfort at this level.

  3. Anonymous

    Sounds like you’re being put in Autism Spectrum that’s violating your civil rights and affects your well-being, I wouldn’t not interested in working for neurodivergent honestly, so move on to look for new job, to prevent being ghosted, make sure you talk to interviewer in person, visit the work place in person, examine you applied for the job function, location, and paycale meet your expectations. What you interviewed for is what you will be working with.

  4. Anonymous

    One is not 'put in the Autism Spectrum'.

  5. Anonymous

    Bring it up in the next group meeting. Talk about safety in comms as a newly revised team.

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