I quit my previous job 6 months ago because the workplace became increasingly toxic.

37 Comments

1. Susan Heidi WolmanJune 21,2024 at 1:09PM UTC

   I Hate to quote Elsa, but the past is in the past. If your husband is a friend then you have to let it rest. You should also work through what made it so toxic for you and how you could have best managed it. Look forward- not back

2. Geri-Ann LockwoodJune 21,2024 at 1:18PM UTC

   You need to let it go. You are putting your husband in a 'him or me' position, which is quite unfair. You also need to work thru what was so toxic about the place, did you have any role in that and how to move forward.

3. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 1:24PM UTC

   One thing I have reminded many of my clients regarding how they got where they are today is the following:

   There is one absolute truth in this world, and it is about the past. You can't change it. Spending this much energy and emotional capital on something you can't change is wasted energy. Instead, channel that energy on why it bothers you so much and how you can take what you learned from it to move forward. Your best revenge is being a star at your new job. If you let this continue to get you down, you run the risk of it allowing you to move on and shine. Is your new job and marriage worth the aggravation and disruption this is causing?

4. maria HamelersJune 21,2024 at 1:33PM UTC

   I don’t see what can be changed, let it go and enjoy life

5. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 2:06PM UTC

   Honestly, it's a shitty situation you are creating. The ex-boss has said he wants to move past it and remain friends. You are the one holding on to the grudge.

   Only YOU can fix this. You need to decide are you going to fix it or are you going to wallow in and potentially ruin a few relationships along the way?

6. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

   Are you sharing an experience or are you seeking advice?

7. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 2:19PM UTC

   If YOU dont want to keep the horror alive then just don't go out with your husband and ex boss and avoid any parties he may attend.

   You not being able to handle YOUR past experience is really about you issue. So to avoid your triggers you need to avoid your ex boss. If you feel abused then you may want to seek therapy to help you put your past in the past. I'm certainly not saying your feelings are not valid but they are creating a reliving of that abuse that is concerning. Time and therapy will help you process those feelings so they don't run you.

8. AnonymousJune 24,2024 at 2:36PM UTC

   Exactly. Misery is a choice. After six months she's still so far gone she thinks it's normal. Therapy is your answer. This is now about you.

9. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 2:46PM UTC

   You have to let that go....

10. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 4:16PM UTC

    It is not easy to let it go because she basically has PTSD! She needs time to recover!

11. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 2:52PM UTC

    I’m going to ask a question: do you have anything else to talk about? Even the weather is a better topic than trying to make a shitty boss realize he’s shitty.

    I would probably avoid going out with your husband and your ex-boss until you work through resolving your feelings on the situation - and then I’d probably continue to do so. Why continue picking at the wound, even when it’s scarred over?

12. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 3:26PM UTC

    Depending on how toxic the place was, you may need some therapy to be able to handle triggers that come up.

13. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 4:14PM UTC

    That is a stressful situation. It takes at least 6 months of therapy to get over that so you keep going back to the same place by meeting your boss because he is still in your close circle would keep triggering that trauma response. Any chance you could avoid that situation and seek a help from a therapist who handle trauma? I had to seek out a help after I left a toxic place and took me a while to recover even with a therapist help.

14. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 4:15PM UTC

    I agree! It is a unique situation and husband being involved with a toxic boss. Marriage at risk is terrifying

15. NatashaJune 21,2024 at 5:21PM UTC

    If you are going to continue to be friends with your ExBoss then you have to let it go. It's all in the past, can't change it so why keep rehashing and reliving it? Focusing on the past you can't see the future. But if you can't let it go then you can't be friends with that person until you heal from it because seeing him reopens the wound and that's not healthy. I know a man who on his death bed was still complaining and angry over things that had happened 40 years before! He refused to let it go even on his death bed. And he was the cause of all his pain but he never admitted it even facing death. What a waste of life and energy. So your EXBoss may never admit that he was a bad Boss or even see or think that he was especially if the company didn't see it and fire him because of it. It sucks when bad things happen to good people but we have to just let it go and give it up to God to take care of. Karma is real and your future success is the best revenge. Move on. You are only hurting your spirit being angry about something you can never change and may never get closer for.

16. HeatherJune 23,2024 at 5:51PM UTC

    Well said.

17. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 11:31PM UTC

    Suffering is a choice. Why do you continue to socialize with this person if the outcome is always the same…you quarreling about a job in the past? Sorry friend but this one’s on YOU!

18. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJune 22,2024 at 12:46AM UTC

    "I was unfortunately so unhappy there that now I use every opportunity to tell my ex-boss what a bad boss he was."

    Why?

19. HeatherJune 22,2024 at 2:52PM UTC

    I am asking myself the same question?? If you have moved on and you are happy where you are, why even bring up your previous job? If it were me, I would discuss how happy I am at my new job and forget about the past. If it bothers you that much you might want to consider seeking counseling.

20. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJune 23,2024 at 12:05AM UTC

    Exactly. Being miserable is a choice. She could choose to move past this. She could choose to not socialize with the ex-boss. She's choosing to do neither of those things.

    She has a new job it seems like she should be happy about yet she's choosing to dwell on the past. Agree that if she can't move past this, she should seek help - but even then, you need to be willing to move past it for therapy to work.

21. AnonymousJune 22,2024 at 10:54AM UTC

    I agree something is up with the husband and his blatant disregard for the OP’s feelings! But I’m curious as to why the OP doesn’t assert her agency and say NO to these social visits.

22. Jennifer FingerJune 22,2024 at 2:57PM UTC

    Telling your ex-boss how bad he was might feel satisfying now but could come back to bite you if anyone doing a background check contacts him.

    That said, your husband is being a &$#@?! in being buddy-buddy with a guy who treated you that badly.

    He needs to stop.

23. AnonymousJune 22,2024 at 8:59PM UTC

    What? Boy you sure went there.

24. AnonymousJune 22,2024 at 9:39PM UTC

    You need a marriage counselor in short order. Your husband is treating you like a door mat.

25. Cristina.KolletJune 23,2024 at 1:24PM UTC

    There's a lot to unpack here.

    Did your ex-boss treat you badly directly or was it just a terrible company to work for?

    If he treated you badly, why is your husband still friends with him?

    If it wasn't personal and you just associate him with a terrible work experience, then stop hanging out with him. Your husband can go out with his friend on his own.

26. AnonymousJune 23,2024 at 2:10PM UTC

    For the sake of your mental health and your marriage let it go. You’ve moved on physically, work at moving on emotionally as well so that the past doesn’t continue to own you.

27. AnonymousJune 23,2024 at 3:59PM UTC

    I agree with lots of the advice about finding a way to let it go (for your peace and your marriage).

    I'd also like to validate your feelings. You're upset. It's okay to be.
    (I read somewhere that anger is when boundaries are crossed). Something happened that brought you to this. Some folks are moving forward and you've still got feelings about it. That's okay. What's not okay is taking your upset out on others (even though you feel they deserve it- and they may). You'd be creating a vicious circle that won't bring you joy- however tempting it is to give your ex-boss what-for.

    Sometimes closure just doesn't happen (whether through peaceful discourse or tit for tat anger). For the sake of everyone involved, I recommend taking some space from interacting with your ex-boss. I understand that it's a bit tricky since the ex-boss is friends with your husband. Give yourself some space from the trigger. (You decide which is best--Either inform your husband of the request for some space to heal -he can hang out with his friend- just not with you for a bit --or don't inform him , just take action - so if the ex boss comes over, you go run errands or something. I'm not suggesting passive aggressiveness, rather just creating space.). Maybe for couple weeks, or season, etc.. Take time to heal on your own. Also, find a way to release the upset. It may be through talking to a professional, a positive hobby to redirect away from the negative, or just directly getting some movement (walking, running, punching bag, physical labor in the garden, massage or reflexology). Some folks just need to get it out of their system or just need someone to understand. Sometimes you leaving and thriving elsewhere is the best course of action.

    Remember, you were so unhappy then/there. Now you're not there and have a shot at being happy. Take the shot at being happy (and that may mean distancing yourself from the ex-boss for a bit).It's okay if you need time to build new happy habits. Be gentle with yourself in this time of transition. It won't help you to let the past trigger you to a pattern of unhappiness. You deserve to shine. Seek out friends who want to help create new patterns. Talk about the future. And, if you feel stuck in the past, seek a trained professional who can give you tools to help.

    Good luck.

28. HeatherJune 23,2024 at 5:49PM UTC

    We don't even know if she has asked her husband to stop hanging out with "Ex Boss" or told him how much it bothers/hurts her. A little more information about the situation would be helpful.

29. AnonymousJune 23,2024 at 6:10PM UTC

    Theres’s nothing in her post that says her ex-boss comes to her home or that this person traumatized her. You’re taking a lot of free license with facts that she didn’t include in her original post. Where are getting all these horrible details from? Most of us have survived crappy bosses and toxic workplaces. She has the option to tell her husband to hang out with his friend when she’s not around. She also has the option to tell her husband she’s not going to discuss the ex boss anymore because she’s moving on. These are all healthy boundaries within her control.

30. Maria MolinariJune 24,2024 at 12:12PM UTC

    I agree with a lot of the comments out here. Find a way to let it go. You seem to have moved on and passed the toxicity, find a way to forgive your ex boss and either continue with the friendship or have a heart to heart conversation with your husband about moving on from the friendship.

    could it be the friendship that made your ex boss so toxic?

    either way I think for your mental health forgiveness is key!

31. AnonymousJune 24,2024 at 12:20PM UTC

    If your way of getting past the experience is to continue to incessantly talk about it, then I agree with others that therapy would probably be your best bet. You've already wasted 6 months, you don't want to devote any time to leaving with this trauma. This is consuming you.

32. AyianJune 24,2024 at 12:46PM UTC

    I too would struggle in this situation and would not be able to "let it go". Point blank, you left the job because it was toxic, which is just another word for abusive. Your partner keeps bringing around this person into your personal life, which only ends in arguments, not an apology for how you were treated...and your partner is still friends with them.

    What does that say about the respect and consideration your spouse has for you, your well-being, and your general happiness?

    I would personally be having a long discussion with my partner about my expectations of support and respect, and that keeping friends who think it's okay to treat me poorly in any circumstance is him signing off on their behavior and that's a major deal breaker.

33. AnonymousJune 24,2024 at 12:56PM UTC

    find a therapist and work thru your anger there. Forget going over old stuff with your prior boss. Why????? think about that

34. AnonymousJune 24,2024 at 2:25PM UTC

    Emotional intelligence is when you have healthy boundaries and are in complete control of your emotions. Counseling can help you develop those key characteristics do you don't choose to suffer.

35. AnonymousJune 24,2024 at 2:37PM UTC

    She doesn't need an online career board. She needs serious mental health help.

36. AnonymousJune 27,2024 at 5:19PM UTC

    I see a whole lot of people here making some seriously large assumptions based on very little actual information. Boss was abusive, Husband is abusive etc. There is nothing in the original post about any of the actual behaviors, just a person who was unhappy and has labeled it as "Toxic". I think a bunch of you are ecting whatur personal crap is onto this situation and it's not healthy or helpful.

37. Jennifer FingerAugust 3,2024 at 12:16PM UTC

    No, actually I am not asking her to be complicit and quiet about her trauma. I am suggesting she needs to do something else to protect herself.You are reading something in my post that I didn't put there and then saying it is "horrible advice." It came out of your electronic mouth, not mine.

    And I maintain that telling your ex-boss how bad he was in the way that the OP wants to do it is not a good idea. Not doing so is not "being complicit and quiet about her trauma." She can tell any future employers at job interviews that there was a difference of opinion between her and her boss, and give any details necessary, but a direct confrontation with the boss that results in a verbal back-and-forth probably isn't in her best interest.