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I am having issues with a coworker that I would welcome suggestions on how to handle.

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Anonymous

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I am having issues with a coworker that I would welcome suggestions on how to handle. He is a technical expert on one product line. I am the sales person responsible for the Canada territory for all product lines at the company. We both live in Canada and report to a New York HQ office. We work remotely. Anyways, this guy one ups or gives a more detailed response to every email, comment, TEAMS post, or conversation I make no matter what its about. He either negates what I say, or adds tons of technical detail and his opinion, or questions my comment. So for example, if he is cc'd on an email to either a customer or a colleague that I am writing, he will also write to the customer or colleague after I do giving different perspective or details. If I give my view in a meeting, he immediately tops my view with his own experience or advice, negating mine. He has gone further than this and gone to IT to have access to my leads, opportunities (we all have our own access) so he can "help" me answer them. Luckily, he was denied access, but he frequently complains that he should have access in meetings and on TEAMS. It is driving me batty. Yesterday, I won a sale on a product line he has nothing to do with. It was posted on TEAMS like it always is by management. Everyone in the company says congrats or whatever. He answers that he thinks he should do a user group on this instrument in Canada and will help me. How can I protest to that? But its an intrusion on my job. If I try to talk to him about it, he denies it wholeheartedly. He says he is only helping. Also yesterday, I made a quote for the product line he is a technical expert for and he needs to check it and did and then he told me to go to service for pricing on a service contract. I did get the pricing. I wrote an email and cc'd him. He also wrote an email giving more detail and explaining how it should be done. The service person was confused because she immediately sent me the pricing on TEAMs and then got the other detailed email from him. I explained t o her to ignore it and then told the coworker I had pricing and he calls me upset that he is working so hard and I am not sharing information. I felt like crying. I gave him the pricing and stated he didn't give me a chance even to write the customer with the pricing. He says he needs to know everything I do. I said why, and he said he has the right to know. I feel at wits end. What should I do?

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  1. Anonymous

    This sounds frustrating but also fixable. Have you used tools like RACI and RAPID to define your roles and decision-making processes? If not, you can suggest this potentially with a manager. Define your processes and roles better then you will have a non-personal way of identifying where this person is overstepping. Second, sit down and write a note just like you have above but from this person’s perspective. What might they say about what is causing them to react as they are? You don’t necessarily have to action that, but having insight there might help you angle your general approach to be more effective. There could be many reasons leading this person to think and act as they are. Understanding them will help.

  2. Anonymous

    Get your manager with this teammate in a 1:1. He needs to learn his lane. But you rely on him more than he relies on you I take it. The suggestion would be to take him in a meeting let's call it a Support and Sales meeting. Perhaps provide him acknowledgement that you appreciate his expertise, but your job will be to relay the info to the customer or potential client. Thus, ask him to contact you and not email the client. That is your job. You are the mediator go between the client and technical people I think? Set up weekly meetings, let's say each Thursday to recap the week and prepare for the next week. Better communication must be done and if he can get his ego out of the way the better. Is training needed where he can provide you technical details to better your job, and can you provide him training to better understand your role and metrics you must achieve?

  3. Kimplanetstl

    It sounds like he's one of those guys that doesn't work well with women. Just my opinion.

  4. Anonymous

    The best way to get him to stop is to directly tell him to stop. He is gaslighting you for his own fame and recognition. As with many sales people its all about the competition. Speak to your manager, let them know you are dealing with that and that there is in your opinion no I in team and you would like them to be a bridge to a better relationship with that guy because he is affecting your ability to be credible with customers. Don't make it personal at all keep it business. Additionally, after that meeting memorialize it in email and cc yourself. If it does continue they should send him to some training because he surely needs it. If you feel confident enough speak to him directly yourself and tell him that what he is doing is being noticed by others as well. Let him know that you want to help him when and where you can and expect the same from him but not to in any way be disrespectful to you in concert with conversations with others. He might surprise you since he clearly has not clue. If he does not and his behavior escalates involve higher level and HR to get it stopped because he is affecting revenue with this. Good luck.

  5. Anonymous

    If management doesn't see an issue with the cross-talk and constant doubling down this guy is creating then there is little you can do. He wants to be king. He will bulldoze his way over you until you either leave or stand down. He is threatened and spends most of ? time flexing to ensure he is viewed as king.

    So this needs to be an effort by leadership to shut it down or I'm afraid you're stuck.

  6. Laura Rusiecki

    If he is not your manager, it sounds like harassment. I worked with Engineers, brilliant men, and with sales forces. Both had managers. I would approach his manager and yours on the QT and ask for help/ advice on what to do.

  7. Anonymous

    I'm the petty one and would put him in his place. I'd respond to his one-upmanship and restate what was initially said and remind him his opinion/assistance is not needed or wanted. I would also treat him the way he treats you. Let him see how it feels. Sure, it's immature, but if it gets the point across, it is totally worth it. Keep calling him out on it. Make sure you save every email/conversation should you need it in the future.

  8. Anonymous

    I would take one of the emails, he replied to the customer and forward to my boss with him on cc and state this is causing confusion with the customers and it could cost us sales if this perception of ineptness or lack of efficient communications continues.

    Pay attention to what I just wrote. Notice I never said this customer complained. All I said is this is an example of how it is causing confusion and the rest are my opinions. You are not lying.

  9. Dwight Linn

    As a sales manager for you, I would take him aside and explain the facts of life to him. That if he interfers or causes you problems, I will go to his supervisor and have him fired if he impacts your sales effort again. Your sales manager should deal with this not you . No need for you to deal with a peer causing a problem for you . I have 50 years running sales , its not rocket science .

  10. Taylor Peters

    Is he in love with you or something? Is that last convo in writing? I would say that's borderline harrasment. Other than that, I would just keep doing what you are doing and forward anything he is messing things up on. I have said it before, if you notice they are annoying, so does everyone else. They are most likely taking everything with a grain of salt and any complaint as a "boy who cried wolf" there is one in every company and will always be one. When I had people like that I would just say "thanks for the insight" and move on. I always make sure to cover my bases, because they are always going to go above you and when they keep going to your management and they have to keep saying "no, they are right" it's going to be nipped in the bud real quick. I would definitely start making every conversation have a paper trail or start emailing them what you spoke about and ask for confirmation. Don't let people intimidate you at work, we are here to feed our families and elevate our lives not play stupid games. That's fantastic that he is privileged enough to be funemployed and treat work as a playground, but needs to grow up.

  11. Anonymous

    i would remove him from any communication i have with my clients.

  12. Anonymous

    What would happen if you totally did reverse psychology? Instead of dreading his email, introduce him in yours. “My colleague will follow up shortly with a detailed list of features”. Perhaps when he feels he’s being “assigned” by you to do what he’s doing unasked for, he’ll stop because it won’t be so satisfying for him. Beat him to the punch and ask him to do things for you. Thank him publicly for his “generous input”, and subtly reiterate your role vs his.

  13. Anonymous

    ^this is the way. Gold.

    Guy cannot stay in his lane for his own reasons (I won’t say them out loud; we all know)…but it then becomes her jobs to channel his “helping” tendencies into things that are either tolerable, faintly useful or perhaps let him paint himself as overreaching and invalidating.

    She should also involve senior management.

  14. 1stBossLady

    I LOVE that! ?

  15. M Baaza

    This is the best response although knowing me, I'd probably remove him from all communication until it concerns him . I protect my peace

  16. Sheila

    I've done that with other Admin Assistants who feel they are put upon for giving me open times for calendar options. I apologize for piling more work and just gush with appreciation. Even though I hate doing this because it is their everyday job but if that is how I can "keep the peace" and avoid the drama then I just do it.

  17. Renee McGrath

    Is he doing this to anyone else? If not, I think it’s harassment.

  18. Cynithia Munich

    He’s a mansplainer

  19. Anonymous

    Altho this certainly reads as running roughshod all over OP’s role, responsibilities and expertise… and altho I *detest* having to excuse bad behavior from male competitors…

    …if there’s a nonzero chance that he’s on the spectrum (technical lead), then maybe extent grace one last time that he may think it’s his job to demonstrate his knowledge of details at every turn.

    Explain forcefully the social hierarchy optics in that to him. Have a supervisor/HR present and assisting.

    Probably not the issue tho.

  20. Anonymous

    Could be a leadership issue also.

  21. Tiffeny

    To be nice, it sounds like he does not have enough to do. Volunteer him to deal with customers issue or something to keep him busy. If he is an SE, this is typical behavior.

  22. Anonymous

    Take it up with your boss to define boundaries and follow their instructions because you still need to go to him for expert advice.

  23. Rhonda Magee

    I think there are some great suggestions in the thread. I also think that you can imagine how life would be for any woman trying to have a personal, intimate relationship with him. I predict he is controlling and possibly emotionally abusive in his personal life, and he is so out of control of his tendencies that it now spills over into work.

    So if the sound advice you select doesn’t work , I would then pursue a harassment complaint.

    also he need to know what CC means in email. If you don’t invite him to chime in, it is information only. That would be one place to start.

  24. Anonymous

    I had that at my last job. I chalked it up to insecurity because he really ramped it up after I was successful in a project and got praise.

  25. Anonymous

    this guy is MAJORLY insecure and threatened by you. But that is not your problem. (and by the way, I'm glad to read that you've TRIED to talk with him about this). What is your problem is the fact that he CANNOT stay in his lane- he is OVERBEARING, and causing confusion when you are attempting to communicate or loop in with others. You absolutely MUST speak up for yourself. Your description here is a good place to start, but keep copies of all of the crazy emails and hyper-instructions--- is there ANYONE higher up who can help drive him back into his lane? He wil cause you to hate your job, if he doesn't get reigned in, and soon.....

  26. Anonymous

    Lots of great suggestions in this thread. but what would really help your case is the shutting this person down once in a public forum. Looks like you'll have to coordinate with this guy no matter what- so if you taking this case to your manager will back fire. Instead give it back to him in a couple of instances politely and firmly, that'll put him in place and also bring out his behavior in the public. This is major insecurity issues from his side. I empathise with your feeling "driven up the wall" having been through it first-hand.

  27. Explorer825351

    Ask him publically why he is doing that, each and every time he does it (of course, removing any clients from the conversation).

  28. Cindy Glover

    Is it possible he actually may have your and the companies best interest at heart? Although, I wouldn’t be comfortable with him responding to your Clients.

    Maybe his technical skills are being presented simply for it to help those that may not otherwise understand, get the full picture?

    or.. he’s simply an ass?

  29. Anonymous

    His interference in your job and your clients is grounds for termination. You should escalate this to your supervisor. I would also speak to the others on your team about this. Do not write emails! Call them directly. Get their opinion and support so that they can also support you.

  30. Anonymous

    Wow! He sounds like a huge pain. I think he is jealous of your success. I would bring this to your manager’s attention. The one positive is that you work remotely and not in an office with this guy.

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