I feel like my gender is costing me jobs, but I have no confirmation.

62 Comments

1. Ashley NichelleSeptember 1,2023 at 2:15PM UTC

   I have it on my LinkedIn as part of the groups I'm in. Attesting to parenting in the workforce, being a former foster parent, etc. They ask what things I'm a part of, and I tell them about my volunteer things with my children and other people's children (charity drives). I'd be lying if I completely ignored that I had children.

2. Rachel ScaerSeptember 1,2023 at 3:09PM UTC

   Does your husband have the same things on his linkedin page? Does he also talk about the kids in interviews?

3. Ashley NichelleSeptember 1,2023 at 4:06PM UTC

   Yep, if not more so than I do.

4. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 3:26PM UTC

   This is simple. Remove the references (or, if possible, hide them from public view) from LinkedIn. When asked about volunteer activities, tell them you volunteer for various children's charities and leave it at that. It is not disclosing that you have children because many people without children also volunteer there. If giving back to the community is important to them, you have given them an honest answer. Never volunteer any information that causes you to be discriminated against. It's not lying to withhold that information, but it IS illegal for them to ask for it or require it on an application. Gender and ethnicity can often be inferred from your name, which is harder to disguise.

5. Ashley NichelleSeptember 1,2023 at 4:08PM UTC

   Even in the interviews not linked to my LinkedIn or where they've asked my activities, or I have volunteered I've had children I've had issues with getting the job in the end. This feels very much like victim blaming rather than actually finding a solution, but thanks.

6. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 8:33PM UTC

   I'm not victim blaming, just being practical. Anything you can do not to introduce bias into your situation is important. If I came off a little too harsh, I apologize. Until we can figure out how to address the discrimination that follows us, we must figure out how to work around the system. If the company finds out you have children and are concerned about your priorities, that's on them. Still, it doesn't stop them from making biased decisions. It is sometimes difficult for people who don't face bias every day to see it when it is staring them in the face.

7. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 1:56PM UTC

   Hey op, does this feel victim blamey? Yes. Does it also track as a legitimate way you are being discriminated against? Absolutly. I get that your children and dedication to making the world better are important to you. You may even feel like it's critical that a hiring manager support the things you are passionate about. In a perfect world they would. Truth is that being a woman who likes kids is an easy route for corporations to discriminate against you and get away with it. I'm also in infosec and engineering and was an engineering manager and I experienced other managers descriminating both in their hiring AND in how they promoted/paid women. If your gut feels like there's an aspect of this then there is. I do know for a fact that if you are getting to the interview stage and then tanking out, the bias is coming from the inside and those people won't be great to work for. I'm so sorry that you (me) and other people are experiencing this form of other people being absolute garbage. The only thing you can do about garbage people is not give them ammunition wherever possible. You aren't at fault or bad for wanting to do things that have nothing to do with your ability to work effectively outside of work. But that's just it, those things have nothing to do with your career or your ability to work and are none of your works business, just like your mental health is none of their business or your physical health (particularly in this field). Sending empathy - and it's not going to solve people discriminating against you but it can perhaps help reduce the ways you are being discriminated against.

8. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 2:04PM UTC

   Also to add on to this, the solution is probably never going to happen because it's going to require rewiring the whole of western ideologies and perhaps going back into history and preventing the Victorian era and the era before that and so on from ever happening.

   We are still suffering from historic B's and it's not going to be fixed in our lifetime. You can criminalise bias but that just drives it further underground and you get people above who proport to be in hr washing over the very real way that a particularly overrepresented demographic of mediocher humans are actively seeking to keep underrepresented folks out. These people know they are meh at best. They also know that women and POC HAVE to be better then them at everything to get by. I don't think there's a way to win being trailblazers.

9. Dcre1977September 3,2023 at 2:39PM UTC

   It is definitely wrong that you have to hide who you are, but unfortunately in a prejudiced society moms are considerred unreliable in the workforce, whereas dads are considered reliable in the workforce.

10. Debra SesholtzSeptember 1,2023 at 4:19PM UTC

    It will be extremely difficult to tie what you’re experiencing to your gender, even if that is the case. It doesn’t seem your salary request is an issue. When you do lose a role, you could ask the employer what you could have done better in the interview. They or the recruiter may provide some insight. You could focus on applying to women-owned companies or departments run by women.

11. AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 11:50AM UTC

    Recruiters, unfortunately, don't have time for you after they see that you aren't a good fit

    How are you truly to know a specific department is run by a woman unless you are an internal transfer?

12. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 5:14PM UTC

    My first impression on these fresh graduates is that these candidates hires were brought on board at substantially less than you or your partner would have been valued at.

    In the current hiring climate, mid career to higher level career positions are considerably few and far between. It is extremely tough for anyone looking at stepping up their career. Most on this board are accepting positions lateral or lower just to gain employment.

    Good luck to you.

13. AnonymousSeptember 1,2023 at 8:49PM UTC

    Do not let them know you have kids!

    Seriously. Even if you are a man they will understand that your kids are going to come before everything else - as they should.

    But this is NOT part of the interview process and they should NOT draw any conclusions (even unconscious ones) from it.

14. Dcre1977September 3,2023 at 2:34PM UTC

    Men with families actually get a pay bump because its assumed they will want a steady job. So it benefits men to let the interviewer know rhey are a family man

15. AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 3:24AM UTC

    If it is technical field you may be right. I also noticed how nobody was calling me for jobs in IT and security and later saw that men were hired for the positions I applied for.

    But don't despair. It is a numbers game. Continue looking for a good job.

    It will come to you

16. Patricia ManroeSeptember 2,2023 at 8:28AM UTC

    I finished college last May. Got my B.S in Computer Science with a concentration in Software Engineering. I graduated Magma Cum Laude. I've signed up to Indeed.com and LinkedIn.com, and have been applying to some jobs, but no luck so far. I have a list of other job sites which I am going to sign up for.

    But I feel as a woman I am being looked over too. Also, I have my age against me, 61 years old.

17. JustKeepSwimmingSeptember 2,2023 at 11:45PM UTC

    Congrats on getting that BSCS at 60. Well done! Given your experience level, in spite of just having gotten your BS, you are likely being passed over for junior positions because the companies doing the hiring are frankly not used to having mature people in those jobs. You could look into consulting. Good luck, I hope you find a great role somewhere!

18. Zofia JaneczekSeptember 3,2023 at 4:37PM UTC

    Congratulations! That's amazing for anyone at any age. I just don't think employers are getting it yet. Life expectancy is much higher compared to decades ago. As a woman you may need to work beyond and past retirement due to life circumstances that prevented you from making enough to get decent enough retirement. Personally, if you're qualified for the job, at any age, you should be considered! At this point, perhaps start your own agency that helps to place those "deemed over the hill" into tech. Tech has a long way to go to become more inclusive of women, especially older women.

    Is it possible for you to do consulting work or perhaps something independent in tech? I wish you the best and great success, I'm certain there's something out there that's a good fit.

19. Patricia ManroeSeptember 3,2023 at 11:15PM UTC

    I can try to get contract work on Upwork.com, Fiverr.com, Jooble.com, Flexjobs.com, SimplyHired.com, Behance.com, Dribbble.com, ServiceScape.com, DesignHill.com, and TaskRabit.com. And a few other job sites I know about. But I'm still applying from LinkedIn.com, Indeed.com, and ZipRecruiter.com.

20. Zofia JaneczekSeptember 4,2023 at 7:38PM UTC

    Do you have YT, TickTok, whatever the younger gen is using these days? YOU can absolutely put a professional spin on anything in social media. More exposure means you will be seen, heard, validated for your knowledge and expertise. The jobs can come to you. You got this and you can do it. I love your story and it's inspiring to me. I'm only 48 but have to pivot out of the jobs I've had because I can't physically continue to do them anymore. Tech is definitely the trajectory I'm heading towards. There's plenty of room for everyone in an organization. Companies need to realize the value that each generation holds and contributes towards a business.

21. Sarah BordersSeptember 2,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

    My gut tells me that if you *feel* that you’re being overlooked because of your gender, you’re right. We don’t know enough about the circumstances—is it a case of being rejected because of team dynamics, for example—to confirm or deny your experience.

    The most important thing is that you not change anything about yourself or your LinkedIn presence, with respect to your interests and volunteer work, and I bring that up because I see that it’s been suggested here. You don’t want to work for an employer who requires that you be a different person to be hired.

    What you could do, Re: LinkedIn, is spend a little time engaging actively with your profession, if you’re not already doing that. Regularly sharing articles with your thoughts and commenting on other folks’ posts can raise your “relevance” when recruiters search for candidates on LinkedIn.

    The other thing you could do is look for female-friendly employers and build out your network with people from those companies. FGB has a great database of employers, rated by women for how female-friendly they are. The Mom Project is another great place to look. The employers who post roles there have been vetted and found to be “mom-friendly”.

    You are in a great field. Software engineering and information security, in particular, are really hot hiring areas right now. I think finding a niche between those two or focusing on whichever one you’re more passionate about would be good, too. (And if Web development is the area you’re most passionate about, then focus on that.)

    You deserve all the success and happiness in your career, and I hope you’ll keep us posted on it. Good luck to you!

22. AnonymousSeptember 2,2023 at 2:24PM UTC

    Why are you and your partner applying for the same jobs? This sounds like an odd competition where there will be a winner and a loser. And you’ve described such a situation below!

    Please, do yourself a favor and find an unbiased job coach who can counsel you through the interview process.

    As to the perceived discrimination because you have children, I agree with another poster. Remove the reference from LinkedIn and stop raising it in interviews. Limit opportunities for potential employers to handicap your application.

    I still don’t quite understand this intense competition between you and your partner in your professional paths. It’s obviously causing you some angst and it can’t be healthy for the relationship. Time to chart your own path.

23. Ashley NichelleSeptember 2,2023 at 10:50PM UTC

    We're applying for the same jobs because we have the same qualifications and are in the same field. Why should my partner not apply to a job that is better than his current one just because I'm applying?

24. maria roseSeptember 4,2023 at 8:47PM UTC

    You just brought up a point, that you are overlooking yourself—granted there’s a limited field of opportunities to apply to—but why does your husband have to change his job or apply for a new job when you are looking for a new position especially since he’s already earning a higher salary—I am getting the impression you are both applying to the same company—and for some reason not being evaluated for the same role—despite your statements as having the same qualifications. Most companies don’t hire couples to work in the same position. And you need to find your own career path that is inline to your skill set level. I can’t see why you need to be in the same company unless you’re unable to find work close enough for commuting and family time. I am not really sure but that also makes sense that you feel that you are not being compensated enough for your skills because you emphasize certain aspects of priorities that your husband never mentions in their resume or interviews. As women, we have multiple priorities in layered categories that men never have to think about the effects on their lifestyle. Without meaning to, your husband has caused you to be considered for the lower paid position because of the fact that you are the main caretaker of the household instead of it being an equal shared responsibility. I am not downplaying his role in your situation but it does bear some weight in your career path decisions.

25. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 1:41PM UTC

    Applying for the same jobs isn't purposeful competition, it's a necessity when you both work in a field where there are limited choices in jobs to apply for.

26. Rebecca RuettigerSeptember 2,2023 at 4:50PM UTC

    Ugh been through this in Texas.

27. maria roseSeptember 2,2023 at 5:21PM UTC

    Based on reading through the post and the replies about the bias received in applying for new positions—you brought up a key point—that your Linkedln account needs to be updated a non-gendered version of your profile. Especially in today’s world of using computer AI reviews you need to eliminate wording that puts your profile in the gender category. Yes, there’s not supposed to be bias used according to equity choices but it exists. So revise your profile in a way that doesn’t classify you in any specific gender category. You don’t have to eliminate your interests and volunteer work just word it differently. Unfortunately, this is an age old problem, that is still strongly in existence, no matter how progressive the company

28. Jana GrazerSeptember 3,2023 at 12:49PM UTC

    Hi have you tried the consultancy firms like Capgemini, Deloitte, Accenture?

29. Ashley NichelleSeptember 4,2023 at 5:04PM UTC

    One of those mentioned was one that my partner got over me, yes.

30. AnonymousSeptember 3,2023 at 1:10PM UTC

    Are you implying that you are pregnant? "soon-to-be three kids" that would naturally put you at disadvantage , plus you're negotiating salaries before an offer... that lets them retaliate by not choosing you in the first place .. we all received that same feedback .. you are either not doing proper research, do you look up at their current employees before applying ? Because they can tell when you just need the money.. blaming on gender when you're not able to read simple clues you are bound to fail more than succeed.

31. Dcre1977September 3,2023 at 2:30PM UTC

    She didnt say anything about negotiating before she got an offer...her husband just needs the money too

32. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 8:40PM UTC

    Her husband doesn't have to look after 3 children like the wife does,

33. Deirdre McDonnellSeptember 3,2023 at 2:46PM UTC

    Discriminating against her based on pregnancy is illegal too.

34. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 8:38PM UTC

    Yes and are you willing to take them to court ? It's the bitter truth

35. Rosa E HearnSeptember 3,2023 at 1:39PM UTC

    This breaks my heart. I read that sometimes a name will turn people off, or what people post on social media will turn off employers. I had an incident where I interviewed for a position and saw that I was ethnic and he put me in the "Do not interview" pile. My friend was in HR, told me about it and then quit. So yea, it sucks. Big hugs

36. GirlBossanova934974September 3,2023 at 1:45PM UTC

    First off, I would NEVER believe any company's explanation as to why they didn't hire me. And frankly, I wouldn't ask as none of this can be verified or validated. "Experience" is always a safe answer for employers. The fact is that a lot of hiring is based upon bias especially with younger managers who don't have the experience to see their own bias. When you get older, you realize that the biggest mistake you can make when it comes to hiring is your own bias. You train yourself to throw out first hand impressions because you probably got burned by those same first hand impressions. My take? Try applying to companies with more than the average number of younger female software engineers. WHEN you investigate the company on Linkedin, see how many younger female employees come up under that company. Another better chance is Indeed.com which has a much higher % of smaller companies. Smaller companies as a general rule do not have ingrained bias of the larger ones.

37. Dcre1977September 3,2023 at 2:31PM UTC

    They kind of figure out your gender and race when they interview you, as well as some disabilities. She is getting interviews..

38. AnonymousSeptember 3,2023 at 3:51PM UTC

    Hey Ashley, sorry to hear about your experience on the job search. I am a manager in tech, also a mom, and am a visible minority.Although I understand the frustration and angst about the unfair treatment against women, I hope you can get a career coach and also see a therapist to adjust your mindset of how you approach job search.There are still companies who are willing to hire and promote be brilliant and talented female software engineers. I know many of them, and in my company we have 3 out of 7 female engineering managers. Build a network with the women in tech community. Spend time networking and volunteering there. Also, message other engineering hiring managers on LinkedIn or Indeed. As some people have mentioned, you are putting a lot of focus of comparing yourself to your husband and other young male candidates. Try putting the focus back to you and you only. If you set your mind to focus doing what you need to do to get a job and actively seek for opportunities, the right one will come to you.interviewers can also smell the bitter tone of your victimhood during interviews. I am a hiring manager so I know if someone come across defensive or low self confidence. We try to avoid that as it impacts the team culture.Present yourself as a young, confident, capable and collaborative talent. I guarantee you will find a job much faster that way. I wish you all the best on your search.

39. Ashley NichelleSeptember 4,2023 at 5:03PM UTC

    Wow. Just. That's a lot of assumptions on your part of my tone and how I come across to people without even meeting me. Also to suggest therapy when you yourself are not a therapist is a bit out there. Thanks, I guess.

40. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 6:20PM UTC

    Hey Ashley, when you put your plight out to a bunch of strangers on a job board you get lots of feedback. Some you’ll like and others you won’t. No need to go on the attack. What I see from everyone who took the time to reply is thoughtfulness. You may not agree with the constructive feedback but you’d be prudent to show some level of gratitude. It’s the mature thing to do. If all you’re looking for is coddling from this board then state that in your post.

41. AnonymousSeptember 8,2023 at 8:18PM UTC

    Hi friend! I am someone in the tech industry who suffered a lot of ... abuse?? ... from an overbearing and micromanaging boss in a toxic work environment. Between that and switching careers to the tech industry, I was feeling really down on my self, suffering from low self esteem. While I didn't go to therapy, I did start implementing a lot of self-help techniques, meditation, and other methods to help build my confidence. I'm not saying you have a confidence problem, or any problem for that matter, but having a strong reaction to someone mentioning counseling could be an indication that you do need help, even if just in the career coaching realm. Some things, like discrimination, are out of our control. One person once told me, in regards to discrimination and how they handled it, was that there will be a lot of doors that are closed, but one day we will find a door that's open and when we do we will be ready for it and it will be somewhere that is accepting of us, and a better place to be anyways. Best of luck in your search, stay positive, and know that you have sisters on your side!

42. AnonymousSeptember 3,2023 at 5:19PM UTC

    When I view the profile you have here I am confused, you have junior, associate and senior in there. Suggest removing those levels and create better stories about what you actually did and the level of expertise you have. I don't think it is gender related to be honest and I can assure you any woman in Infosec gets my call immediately when I am hiring in that area. Boost your confidence by writing some blogs or openly commenting in forums in your area of expertise. Keep in mind male domination on the tech side is a thing for sure but you can go in strong if you position your conversations and knowledge where you areas of strength are. As for the lack of work since 2021, blame covid and taking care of a family member and keep that simple. Don't ever respond to ANY personal questions in an interview. If someone asks you if you have kids just tell them your personal life is personal and you want to only talk about your work experience. Don't be tricked into the what do you do outside of work conversation. It is irrelevant. Keep plugging and find a female mentor higher up who might lead the way for you as well. Good luck.

43. AnonymousSeptember 3,2023 at 5:23PM UTC

    Excellent and actionable advice!

44. AnonymousSeptember 3,2023 at 6:02PM UTC

    Well, firstly... There probably isn't a whole lot. Anyone can do to change a situition If an employer is certainly hiring based upon gender or age... I'm sure the situation feels even more. Unfair because your spouse is working in the same industry, Doing similar work, and you are seeing the discrepancies in pay and opportunity.... I also think that we can sometimes get stuck in our head so deeply that we need to make a drastic change and a reset. I think if I were you comma I would seriously consider a reset... Look at another employer or other companies, and even opportunities that are different than what you're doing right now.. Perhaps take a course or an additional certification, something to make you stand out... And most importantly comma stop immediately comparing everything to what your spouse is doing... Because I think that is somehow coming through on your interviews. This can make a person angry and salty and interviewers perceive that... All of your feelings are completely normal and understandable, but they can wreck how you are presenting yourself...

45. Heather BinghamSeptember 4,2023 at 12:34PM UTC

    Just as an aside, as there is already some excellent advice here, don't go to your partner for interview advice. That will only reconfirm that he is more employable than you. Even I draw the line at giving my partner advice, and I'm an org psych with deep recruitment expertise. If you want a boost, find yourself a career counsellor. Go for something amazing like a CliftonStrengths full debrief. I'm not suggesting for one minute that your partner isn't giving you excellent advice, or that it is coming from anything but the best place, but that's not from where you need to hear it. Separate your career journey from his, regain some confidence, and move forward. You may be facing discrimination, but in your field you could well be able to benefit from a bit of mild/allowable positive discrimination. So reset your search, get some independent support, and you'll see the dust cloud building behind you as you start to speed forward.

46. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 12:48PM UTC

    I'm in HR in the tech industry. There is a lot that goes into hiring decisions. A company will hire an intern and promote from within over an outside candidate in a heartbeat. They're already a known entity. If you can spring for it, an executive coach may be a huge advantage here. You may present yourself differently. It's also really difficult to have a mock interview with someone you know. Instead of his critiquing you, asked him the questions and see how he answers them. Practicing interviewing, the STAR method is very helpful. Also with government work, here's a few things to consider:Working for a contractor vs within the DOD, is a big difference. If you are at a body shop which is churning code, they're looking at hourly rates and margins only so salaries are going to be low whereas the DOD is paying market rates. If you went to another software company who is selling their product elsewhere plus trying for a gov contract, your clearance would be valuable. Review your resume and how you positioned yourself. I do think the community college does impact what you are getting offered. A lot of candidates take a few courses at another school because people will focus on the last college listed. However a developer with security clearance should be making a pretty good salary. Also consider the AI impact long term to developers. It maybe time to up skill, move toward project or product management, architecture. There is a push for DEI and I know a lot of software company will hire more women.

47. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 1:34PM UTC

    I love when people who aren't part of the hiring pipeline pipe in to say things like this, when I have gotten 75% more hits on my resume from the SAME companies by changing the name in my resume to a non gendered set of initials. Plus she's in infosec. Infosec is NOT the same as programming and is still THE worst for women and if she's a woman of color it's even more horrible. One of my colleagues got told by a previous boss that it was too bad the boss couldn't whip her. Infosec is NOT a great place for women unless you happen to be extra pretty and young then you might inch in because and I'm quoting a hiring manager here "it gets tiring looking at dudes all day and {he} helped start a women in infosec con in order to help women understand that they can be pretty and in tech too"

48. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 5:21PM UTC

    She can be the change or be the complainer...I vote for her to be the change. Let's try to stay upbeat though honest on this site vs squashing someones dreams for a good career in their chosen field. After all Rome wasn't built in a day and women in the workforce and technology especially is still rather new. I once did a search to find a female CISO there are less than 10 in the US in companies of the size I needed to hire from. I did hire one but boy was that tough. Never give up when you want something! If choose positivity vs. promoting this drivel and letting it persist.

49. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 8:34PM UTC

    It doesn't cost to look pretty just look after yourself ..

50. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 9:54PM UTC

    Really? This ^? Have fun when you hit 38 and your last doable day passes you by because this culture thinks that women who look older than a teenager are no longer pretty. Also this high level gross. How you look has absolutly nothing to do with your ability to do a job.

51. AnonymousSeptember 10,2023 at 1:50PM UTC

    OK go and hire a homeless person if looks doesn't matter.. why should I have to pick you when I can pick the anybody who looks worse .. if you dont care about yourself that will insinuate you dont care about anything else let alone somebodies business...

52. PatriciaSeptember 13,2023 at 4:01AM UTC

    You have missed the point! It's not about looking unkempt it's about society standards. In Feb 2014 The University of Chicago conducted research on facial attractiveness. In this study, they investigated perceptions of facial attractiveness, power, and personality in two groups of women of pre- and post-menopausal ages (35–50 years and 51–65 years, respectively) and two corresponding groups of men.

    They tested three hypotheses: (1) that perceived facial attractiveness would be lower for older than for younger men and women; (2) that the age-related reduction in facial attractiveness would be greater for women than for men; and (3) that for men, there would be a larger increase in perceived power at older ages. Eighty facial stimuli were rated by 60 (30 male, 30 female) middle-aged women and men using online surveys.

    The result? There was a strong negative association between age and perceived attractiveness for both male and female - suggesting that any age-related decrease in skin quality or health occurring in the 35–65 year age period negatively impacts both male and female facial attractiveness.

    The decline in facial attractiveness of 51–65 year old (and presumably post-menopausal) women relative to 35–50 year old (and presumably pre-menopausal) women was significantly larger than the decline in facial attractiveness for the corresponding male age groups.

53. AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 4:38PM UTC

    Wow... just wow. Let's try this. Define pretty?

54. Zofia JaneczekSeptember 5,2023 at 6:20PM UTC

    Unfortunately, it actually DOES as you age! Botox, fillers, fat dissolvers, hair/nail appointments, trendy professional attire, the correct makeup for your age group etc. The dang list goes on how this actually costs a lot, plus ALL the time involved in this. Many women with children can't spare all the pampering luxury. I don't care to be anonymous in this conversation. Men in professional settings are probably 50 percent more likely to have some of those procedures done as compared to their blue collar counterparts. Looks is just another BS discriminatory tactic used by employers, along with ageism, sexism, racism and ALL the other isms. We're nose deep in that in many companies. OP is very young from my standpoint, if she's in her 30's. Looks have little to do with capabilities to execute a job. Your looks don't actually do the job for you in IT!

55. AnonymousSeptember 10,2023 at 1:48PM UTC

    Gym is easier than botox it works just as fine and eating better ... not everything needs to go under the needle.

56. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 2:32PM UTC

    There's no amount of gym that's going to fix an ugly personality. Also skinny is not analogous to "pretty" I know lots of skinny and outwardly ugly people" and I know lots of outwardly pretty people who like the person here harping on how looks are important who are very ugly inside. Competence has nothing to do with what you look like.

57. AnonymousSeptember 8,2023 at 8:06PM UTC

    Hi! Could you please give an example of how you would use a non-gendered name? for example, I think my name is pretty gendered. Let's say it's Cindy Smith. Would you just use C Smith?? I'm in tech and have wanted to create a gender neutral resume.

58. CgSeptember 12,2023 at 2:27PM UTC

    C Smith works. Or initials with your first and middle name. Or if there's a shortened version of your first name that is less gendered. I personally took on a "preferred name" that was genderless of my own choice and have been going by it professionally for the last ten years.

59. AnonymousSeptember 4,2023 at 10:20PM UTC

    Anonymous

    09/04/23 at 5:01PM CDT,

    Re: "no excuse wear heels"

    wow, sexism much? or is it troll much? this is supposed to be a supportive atmosphere not one where we get told we need to be more concerned with looking pretty and wearing high heels (which are pretty rare now in most industries) than trying to work around a system that is obviously favorable to one gender

60. AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 1:20AM UTC

    Just here to validate the OP of this post. Many of these responses are completely blind to what is happening in most areas of the tech field. Totally discriminatory, disgusting, and the end result are companies going over costs and not able to complete projects because what this kind of discrimination is not is merit based hiring. this means the most competentent people are not getting the jobs or the highest salaries, instead these roles will often be filled by the least qualified people who fit the whatever stereotype they are looking for (mostly non-black, non-hispanic men, people from india, and a few asian women).

61. Zeecil KimmelSeptember 5,2023 at 2:56PM UTC

    Unfortunately, it is not all in your head. I have had a long career in tech and watched all my male colleagues move ahead, get promoted, and achieve higher earnings. I finally left a big "diverse" tech company when they hired a 27-year-old male with less than 1% of my knowledge and gave him my raise and promotion (claiming he had a clearance but his was identical to mine). With all that said, I have had a great and fun career with ups and down and I would never trade it to be in any other line of work. Life is full of choices and challenges - the famous serenity prayer definitely fits here -
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;Courage to change the things I can;And wisdom to know the difference.

62. AnonymousSeptember 5,2023 at 11:48PM UTC

    I’m very sorry that this is happening to you. I will say that your partner’s original DoD internship might have given him a leg up, but this hardly explains the substantial pay disparity between you.

    A few (perhaps obvious) comments:

    1)Do you and your partner fill the same functions and, if yes, do you use the same language on your resume? It can’t hurt to use the same phrasing that your partner does.

    2)Does your partner have a more senior title, and does this affect your relative levels of pay? If yes, can you revise the title used on your own resume to something that is more honestly descriptive of your work? In addition, are there senior or management responsibilities that you can emphasize?

    3)Having been a federal contractor many years ago, I noticed that contractors were sometimes regarded as lower status and worked at lower pay than permanent employees and private consultants. The best way out of that is to find a non-contractor job, so keep on looking.

    4)Does your partner have contacts/business partners beyond his current company/position to whom he can refer you for employment?

    Another factor that might be limiting you is whether you are being evaluated on the basis of your current pay level. Some states have made it illegal to ask about current salary because it harms people who are being paid below market rates. If you are asked about your salary expectations, here are a couple of tactics:

    1)Ask the employer the budgeted range for the position, and peg your expectations to the higher end of the range.

    *2)Research salaries in your field and geographic area and determine what the market is paying. Your research should determine the market range or median, and your salary expectations should be in line with that range or figure.