How can I learn to be less direct and more submissive?

50 Comments

1. AnonymousNovember 2,2023 at 2:40PM UTC

   Micromanager is what she is or she doesn't know how to manage her own time. If you are working on something that has a due date you need to have all the questions answered at once.

2. AnonymousNovember 2,2023 at 3:41PM UTC

   Can you get clever and think of a way to include multiple things under a single wrapper with a broader request that allows you to do more under the guise of "one small tiny change". Silly example, "I noticed the food services don't include dietary restriction options. Would you mind if I make a simple inquiry to the vendors for more options." That could include working with the vending machine vendors, caterers, cafeteria vendors, etc (all 'food services') to include more gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, etc food. That could also include perhaps building a database of local restaurants that provide these options. It might also include an informal canvasing of workers on their preferences. Think and request broad then do the multiple required things under that umbrella.

3. Terrie McWhorterNovember 2,2023 at 4:31PM UTC

   Don't change you!!!! Use the SBAR format and keep it simple. Situation: Background: Assessment: Recommendations. ALWAYS present a solution!!! Be positive.

4. AnonymousNovember 2,2023 at 5:06PM UTC

   I'm really nauseated by reading this question on a women's career forum; you shouldn't need to ask it in 2023.

   You don't need to be more submissive; you need a job where you're not working for jerks who expect you to "shrink."
   My past managers would all prefer to just get through a list so I can move forward with work.

5. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistNovember 2,2023 at 5:45PM UTC

   What you need is an updated resume. PLEASE start a job search and find a position where your contributions will be appreciated.

6. Tami CannizzaroNovember 2,2023 at 6:40PM UTC

   OMG - who is your manager? I think this has more to do with her than you, meaning either she has a difficult time processing large amounts of information at once or she struggles with perceived 'aggression' when asked a direct question. I've also been criticized at times for being "direct", and each time it was not really me - it was the person receiving the information. For some reason they wanted a lot of small talk, rainbows and unicorns surrounding the actual question. Always irritated me because men never got the same treatment and were even more direct than I was. It's really hard to change who we are. And, at the end of the day, do we really want to? I'd rather be appreciated for my abilities that deliver results and natural personality vs. trying to act a certain way every day. As others have suggested, may be best to look for a new job, or new role within the company.

7. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 9:08PM UTC

   I'm not sure that men receive different treatment, as several respondents have implied. It is often generational styles, expectations, and overly sensitive people, of all stripes

8. AnonymousNovember 2,2023 at 11:44PM UTC

   I think your direct approach gets to the bottom line and that's great!
   I am actually shocked the manager is trying to control how you speak. MAYBE and I don't know either of you but MAYBE she means to tweak your approach so that the msg is received in a way they can process the information and not in a state of high alert. Perhaps she did a poor job in asking you to tweak your approach. Some folks work differently than others. Direct is good, just be a directly kind person AGAIN IDK the situation. Just ball parking it. You probably were nice and they were just having a day who knows.

   Personally, I've been in a room full of direct folks who can't read one another and they all get in a funk about it.

   Still don't agree with the manager's approach though but she got there some how.

9. Alexis GladstoneNovember 3,2023 at 1:06PM UTC

   Wow! I agree with everything that has been said. In general, I don't mind the gist of her wording, because she is asking you to include the benefit of the suggested change which I think is always a good practice, as it shows you thought process. I do mind that she is being so directive AND it's one suggestion at a time.

   I think those who have pointed out that it may have to do with how she processes information are correct, but it's still so inefficient!

   If you can share a bit more about the type of work product you may be commenting on, we may be able to give you more concrete suggestions.

10. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 4:15PM UTC

    I work in IT and the division has been trying to adopt an agile methodology. The only part of agile that we do is fast. We can’t have retrospectives because someone’s feelings might get hurt and there is not enough time. I was moved from a Business Analyst position to a Tester position. There are no standards for testing and it is not as respected as business analysis or development. My manager favors the BAs. I have earned a few certifications in agile and testing. From what I have learned, I have made some suggestions as to improvements in the development process like retrospectives. She hired a test manager from private industry to develop testing standards and help come up with a plan for test automation. The lady did not last a month. Now the expectation is that I am to help do it. My manager had the opportunity to hire a project lead that was an agile coach but did not because she did not want someone telling her how to do her job.

11. Alexis GladstoneNovember 3,2023 at 6:22PM UTC

    The little I know about testing is that in your role you are supposed to be identifying problems if there are any. So it might be in the tone you are taking when you do. If you are suggesting things outside of the testing role, that may be what's bothering her as it sounds like she compartmentalizes functions. If your suggestions are focused on testing results, maybe talk with your manager to find out how to ensure you are not the bottleneck in only being able to share one piece of feedback at a time would be beneficial.

12. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 6:27PM UTC

    Yes! As someone in IT, I don't have the time to for all that. I'm not saying I don't take someone's feelings into consideration, but if it's a suggestion about something it's typically an error that needs to be fixed, or "Could you help explain..." No need to write a whole paragraph just "please fix" lol

13. BethBNovember 3,2023 at 1:07PM UTC

    I do like the approach of how to suggest a change, up until the last part. Do you mind if I make this one small change… especially only one at a time is ridiculous. Not at all efficient.

    however your manager just told you how she responds best. Why not try it? Especially for a project you have a lot of insights on, how is she going to react to this over a period of days? It would get old really fast.

14. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 1:15PM UTC

    This is weird. Sounds like your manager may be insecure, overwhelmed, or similar, that should probably disqualify her from being a manager if this is a consistent M.O. for her. I'm hoping she isn't literally trying to dictate how you write/speak, and is instead trying to encourage you to raise problems AND analyze the issue enough to suggest solutions, instead of just raising the problem. Have you asked her directly why she wants things done this way, so you can have a better understanding/context? The answer may be insightful.

15. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 2:48PM UTC

    The atmosphere where I work is that they prefer that you don’t raise problems. If I do go to my manager she says it is what it is.

16. Lisa WilsonNovember 3,2023 at 1:21PM UTC

    That’s going to create delays in getting to a final product. Would it be better if there are more than 2 changes that you met to discuss ideas. Email tone is difficult to interpret. .

17. Amy Carissa OliverNovember 3,2023 at 1:45PM UTC

    Because you have self-identified as a direct communicator, I’m going to be very direct with you.

    Your manager has just handed you the format for constructive feedback. This means that you think you’re being direct, but you’re more likely being rude and unprofessional when you provide feedback to others and it has hit a breaking point.

    She’s at the same time limiting your communication, which probably means you’re bombarding people with communication they find offensive.

    Now, no one here has seen the way you communicate feedback to others, so it’s really difficult to know for sure. But it’s plain as day that your manager has now indicated to you that you’re being unprofessional.

    There is a difference between being direct and being rude. The format she’s given you is definitely still a direct approach. It just requires you to be more thoughtful in the way you provide feedback to others.

    If I were you, I would schedule a meeting with my manager and say these exact words, “Thank you so much for providing me this feedback and format. It’s made me wonder if the direct way in which I communicate has caused some concern or hurt amongst my colleagues. If that’s the case please let me know so that I can be more thoughtful when I provide feedback.”

    And I also have to tell you that you said your manager giving you this instruction means she wants you to be submissive. That tells me you might be, whether unwittingly or knowingly, a confrontational person and that is definitely not the same as being direct.

    Directness is a great quality but it’s important not to confuse being okay with conflict or being confrontational as being direct. You can be direct and still be professional. Use the format your boss requested. It was her non-confrontational way of telling you that you’re a jerk and it’s no longer allowed.

18. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 3:50PM UTC

    It would be nice if my manager followed the format that she expects but she does not. During team meetings she is all nice and bubbly but when it comes to one-on-one’s or meetings with a couple of team members at a time she is very attacking. All of my teammates other than the favorite avoid contact with her as much as possible. She has been officially written up twice for abusive behavior.

19. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 4:51PM UTC

    @Amy gave you the most thoughtful and actionable advice on this entire post. You're projecting instead of accepting responsibility for your role in this manager's constructive feedback. Its difficult to apply the lens of self awareness. As long as this woman is your boss, it sounds like you'll have to make some updates to your behavior. If you're truly that troubled by her one-on-one meeting format (which you only raised after someone called you out) then decide if this is a place you want to stay long term.

20. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 5:04PM UTC

    Thank you for your response. You are right.

21. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 6:20PM UTC

    @OP For the record I do not disagree with Amy, I think she makes some excellent points, however, I have had a micromanaging boss before. Admittedly one who was very well organized and had great ideas to streamline business. She also was very nice in meetings but then very attacking in private. I once asked "is there anything I'm doing right" and she replied "we really liked your interview" For a long time my confidence was shaken. I thought I was the one with all the issues until I realized that she was treating everyone the same way. I started to notice the toxicity masked as "type A personality". I started to notice the turn-over rate and the controlling behavior. She even would tell us where to sit during meetings. If this sounds like your situation, I would advise to talk to a trusted co-worker to help determine if you are suffering from a toxic environment or not. If so, may be time to look for another opportunity as often managers like this last until someone notices the turn-over rate.

22. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 1:47PM UTC

    Since I have nothing to determine how you propose your ideas, I will take a different approach than the others. It almost sounds like she wants you to be less demanding when you present something and come at her with solutions rather than problems. It's like the adage that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. There is a difference between being direct and demanding, and being direct is usually not a cause to ask someone to back down unless it turns into demands.

    For example:

    Direct: I see an issue with [thing] that can use some adjusting because [list of consequences of the problem]. Here is what I propose [list of solution(s)].

    Demand: If we don't fix the [laundry list of things], everyone will think it's a piece of crap, and we won't sell another one. (This is an extreme example, but hopefully you get my point).

    Which way are you proposing now? If you are coming up with solutions rather than problems, as in the direct example, you need to find another job where they will appreciate your talents and diplomacy. If you are coming with demands, you should find a way to correct your tone.

    I DO agree that asking for a tiny change at a time is counterproductive due to the complexity of many types of systems where you have to make multiple changes simultaneously, or it all falls apart.

    My purpose in suggesting this comes from experience. Many years ago I had to look in the mirror at the way I was asking people to accept my views when I made proposals, and I did not like what I saw. Introspection can be a significant friend. You may also want to talk with coworkers or a trusted mentor to get their take on how you present your ideas.

23. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 2:04PM UTC

    It's all relative.

24. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 2:08PM UTC

    I am currently on the other end of this. We had a person come into a project mid-stream and openly criticize everything that we were doing. Zero praise for the effort it took to get there and zero respect for the process. Instead, all they had were demands for changes.

    When you work on a team, you have a shared goal of using the resources adequately to get the results you need. And that includes HUMAN resources. When a person has worked 20 hours on a project and you come in and overwhelm them with changes/demands during a review, you demotivate them and make it less likely that the person will be willing to work with you to make the changes you need to get it done.

    So, I think you boss is asking you to consider the human resources of the project, aka literally how your words impact motivation and performance so that they can get the best work product out of the entire team.

    Because honestly, it is not all about you and being 'submissive.' It is about creating a work environment that can foster open communication and collaboration. These strategies seem to me about being respectful to the rest of your team and the need to keep the entire team motivated to get the project done.

25. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 6:07PM UTC

    I can respect the perspective on this. Often in the workplace we get caught up in taking things personally, on both side of a situation.

26. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 3:46PM UTC

    I would hope that after time you would understand what they're looking for to cut down on these. It may be a journey to get there, but IMO I would be patient. AND again IMO, the word 'tiny' has no place in business-ese verbiage, it doesn't make sense. I say draft, then start revisiting on what they've asked in the past to see if you can adapt to what they may come up. People process differently, allow that.

27. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 4:23PM UTC

    It sounds like your manager is offering feedback on how to give feedback - understandable, because feedback and ideas can often sound like demands and wound people's egos, whether you intend to or not.

    One of the things that one of my theatre mentors taught me (in addition to making 'please' and 'thank you' a part of my permanent vocabulary) is the power of asking things in the form of the question "would it be possible to - ?"

    For example: in the daily rehearsal report, I might ask the scenic and the lighting designer: "Would it be possible to make sure that the table can be used to stand on? R would like to use it in the course of Scene 2 during his song - he's 6'4, though, and his height might make this difficult for you."

    Phrasing things in this way shows that this was something we tried in the rehearsal room, and something the director likes. It also asks the questions in a way that keeps everyone's egos in check, and gives the designers the opportunity to offer feedback on that question, such as: hey, lighting here, the grid is only 15 feet off the stage, so he's too tall to light him if he's on a table. Or scenic might come back and say they're borrowing a 400 year old antique table, so he definitely won't be able to stand on it. I would then be able to convey to the director who can tell R to not leap on the table mid-song.

    It was weird at first, but it fosters excellent communication and feedback, and I have found that it translates very well to the business world. It's also good for batching written feedback, when you have multiple things you'd like to correct/communicate. When reviewing something, I will often phrase my response in such a way:

    I took a look at the document, and I noticed a couple of things that might be improved. Would it be possible to:

    1: look at X - I double checked the website, and it says that the event is at 7:00 PM, not 6:00 PM. Can we clarify with Jennifer? I am also happy to do that legwork.

    2: look at the picture on page 2 - it's slightly off center

    Etc., etc. etc.

    It's also good for verbal feedback, if you're all sitting in a room together. "Would it be possible to clarify the fourth bullet point on slide 2? I noticed that it reads the same as the second one, so we'd be repeating information."

    For some reason, asking it in the form of a question makes things like this go more smoothly. I don't know why, but there it is!

28. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 5:37PM UTC

    Thank you. This sounds like a strategy that would be very useful in a governmental environment.

29. AnonymousNovember 6,2023 at 1:07AM UTC

    It’s served me well over the years, especially now that I work in as an executive assistant, haha

30. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 6:04PM UTC

    While this all sounds good in theory, that's not always how life works. I do a lot of error reporting and have to keep things very precise and technical. While a template seems streamlined, it can also take up a lot of time trying to be so cookie cutter and often limits the information I can present, especially when multiple issues arise. It sounds to me as well that the OP doesn't have an issue with the template but with the lack of flexibility to the procedure. Sometimes it's not always black and white. We need guidelines not fixed rules.

31. AnonymousNovember 6,2023 at 1:06AM UTC

    No, it’s not. But it’s given me a good foundation on how to give feedback in a constructive way, which not everyone is able to do.

32. Donna RichardsonNovember 4,2023 at 12:31PM UTC

    I love this approach. It conveys a level of humility and openness, especially in written formats such as an email or instant messaging , where tone and intent can get lost. This is more important than ever now that so many of us are working remotely.

33. AnonymousNovember 6,2023 at 1:05AM UTC

    Thanks! It’s served me well over the years, especially now that I work as an executive assistant!

34. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 5:05PM UTC

    What a crushing, suffocating amount of narcissistic micromanagement. They are trying to dumb you down to their level.

35. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 6:29PM UTC

    Ya know, it's amazing how if you were a man, no one would ask you to be less direct.

36. AnonymousNovember 3,2023 at 7:07PM UTC

    This is in response to a female test lead that my manager hired. The test lead was from the private sector. She lasted a month before it was mutually agreed that she was not a fit for the environment. I received backlash because she and I talked and I told her about some ideas that I had like separate meetings for the testers apart from the business analysts and retrospectives. She presented those ideas along with some others to my manager. It was after that meeting that my manager told me how she wanted ideas and questions to be presented to her. My manager is over business analysts and testers which are all female. The male developers can be direct but the one female developer is expected to be very delicate when she ask questions or presents ideas.

    The test lead was hired specifically to come up with ideas to improve testing and agile processing. I am not sure how it was communicated to her during her interview. Her fist step was talking to the testers individually to gain their insight.

37. Maria MolinariNovember 4,2023 at 2:44AM UTC

    This sounds awful im so sorry

38. Heather (she/her)November 4,2023 at 12:33PM UTC

    That seems really frustrating, I'm sorry. I think there's so much value in being direct and clear. In this case, I'd say maybe you can try to script conversations ahead of time to get into the practice of softening your approach?

39. AnonymousNovember 4,2023 at 1:32PM UTC

    If this mananage truly wanted ideas and suggestions they would be open to natural dialog. This sounds like a passive agressive trick to discourage true input. Consider how much energy you want to spend playing their game or how important it is to share your input on a specific issue and plan your approach accordingly.

    Also dont shrink your self. There nothing work with being direct. Directness is not being mean or direspectful if you are coming from a place of kindness with your comments.

40. Jackie RukaNovember 4,2023 at 2:04PM UTC

    The feedback format is a way to soften the way everyone communicates without giving off harsh criticism. Would it be possible to? It’s basically a nice way to give a suggestion in the form of a question. Too much feedback and the main point gets hidden.

    It sounds like this is across the board for all employees not just you.

    Its a proactive form of communication that maybe warranted to form a safe workplace and environment.

    Look at it as a learning exercise not a personal criticism.

41. AnonymousNovember 4,2023 at 2:31PM UTC

    Unfortunately sometimes it is just a run of bad luck. I can attest to this. Started a new job in July. Between late august and just now I have an adult son (still lives at home) who’s been hospitalized 4 times, a husband who had to be hospitalized and then after care (by me) and an autistic son who my husband is the primary caregiver during the day while I’m at work so I had to be home to care for him. Fortunately I do have the ability to work from home but just starting a new job and it’s in management did not look good. The difference I guess is that I can still show up and work being able to be remote. I was very up front with them as to the expectations they could expect from me and made sure I worked later in the evening and was reachable as much as possible. But it is very hard to differentiate between taking advantage and just someone being handed a bad hand !

42. IntentionGirl706330November 4,2023 at 2:34PM UTC

    My issue isn’t with the managers request to use this feedback format.

    My problem is that the language she’s asking you to use is knee capping your sense of problem solving and innovating. All the “I thoughts” and “It mights”. Very passive language. It’s infantilizing.

    I always tell my team, don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions. I expect that when they find non critical issues, they will have already thought out a suggestion to fix it, and test it.

    it sounds like your manager has some ego issues, and using this softening/couching language ie, “would you mind if…”, feels non-threatening to her. However, she’s missing opportunities to let her team innovate and feel ownership over their projects.

    she should never “mind“ if her team solutions things. As long as the solutions are thoughtful, and tested, and able to be measured.

    Play her game, but if it were me, I would change my language like this. (this is the actual language my team and I use with each other, and with other departments.)

    ” I have observed problem X when doing task Y. One solution I have tested is Z. The results were A and B. I’d recommend we continue process Z for the next 30 days, and track X, A, and B during that time before implementing a new SOP for this task. I am interested in your feedback.”

43. AnonymousNovember 4,2023 at 3:17PM UTC

    Is this how your manager wants feedback to them, or to everyone on the team? Honestly this sounds like an environment where actual feedback isn't desired at all, so not sure I'd even waste my time making any suggestions.

44. AnonymousNovember 4,2023 at 6:52PM UTC

    I would ask if the team could have a session to brainstorm on process change. If you write on white boards everyone's suggestions for different processes - then evaluate why/how it is or isn't needed to come up with new processes everyone can agree on - you hit all points and everyone is heard and everyone understands how the process was developed and why.

    There are ground rules like being respectful and only spending so much time on a topic - this way you can move through the process. Sometimes making some quick decisions on changes - with the understanding if it's really not working it will be revised - teams are willing to participate and update as needed. They feel a part of the decision making and are willing to change. You can use the format of the request and still make a list of changes prior to the meeting. Take 2-4 hours to hash out all the suggestions. When the team comes prepared with the requests - often it's obvious where the time needs to be spent and where there are few suggestions - those are your quick wins. I've done this method a couple of times in jobs and in my HOA - it's worked.

45. Liz MilneNovember 5,2023 at 3:10AM UTC

    I would find a way of lumping all the changes into 'one thing' - like... 'may I have control over [project] as I can see a better way of proceeding'! She sounds terribly insecure/ anxious - one change at a time is thorough, but really, not good business practice!

46. AnonymousNovember 5,2023 at 9:42AM UTC

    maybe the manager is more worried about the ideas distracting from work and is more concerned about solutions. First, find a solution for the most pressing that no one has been able to fix.You can do this and still be yourself your manager is just saving you to be more what she or he knows you can become better. This is a more professional way of them telling you too.Remember, that idea has to be the most important first then you can write out the others in sequential descending order accordingly. buena suerte

47. queenvashtifulNovember 5,2023 at 2:12PM UTC

    I'm sorry...what? I wouldn't become more "submissive." I'd find someplace else to be.

48. Laurie HaederNovember 5,2023 at 2:54PM UTC

    In my humble opinion, there is a happy median between direct and submissive, which can be fine-tuned depending on the circumstances, company culture, and personalities.

    If I understand your situation correctly, perhaps rephrase your question to your manager to sound more confident to something like..."Can I make a recommendation/suggestion?" Oftentimes, depending on the culture and working relations of the team, it can be very productive to brainstorm ideas.

49. Shelby CNovember 6,2023 at 12:54AM UTC

    I don't think they appreciate you or understand the gem that you are. Most employees only came in my door to complain. I wanted solutions oriented, change-making, innovative people on my team that cannot only think outside the box, they don't even need it as a reference point.

    You are probably either a) emotionally exhausting someone that is not qualified to manage you, b) more qualified than your supervisor, and/or c) more educated than she is on the subject matter. Great bosses usually aren't the smartest people in the company. They succeed because they recognize their weaknesses and surround themselves with people who excel where they do not and make a good team. They are good servant leaders.

    With that stated, you do need to ask prior to making any changes. I cannot tell you how many times I have given a speech to people telling them that nothing they learn the first 100 days will really make sense at first and they will think it is a huge waste of resources; however, experts have come up with the P&P that we use. Occasionally, we find a better way, but it takes time to innovate and make those changes - especially within the confines a of government contract.

    By doing that, I acknowledged that things were going to look off, but they would fall into place after a few months on the job. If they changed anything without permission, there could have been enormous, dire consequences and sometimes there were. She is essentially telling you to stop growing and learning.

    Having an open mind and dialogue while fostering and appreciating learning and creativity can be an awesome thing. It shouldn't stop in school.

50. AnonymousNovember 6,2023 at 3:48PM UTC

    This part is ineffective. "One small tiny change" There's a fine line between having a structured productive recommendation format. Just curious, what prompted her to ask you to do this? For this part : "As I was reviewing [thing], I noticed this and I thought that it might be improved if this were to happen/be changed..." is actually an okay soft skills approach, but perhaps you can consider changing that last part to something more effective. Like "As I was reviewing [thing], I noticed this and I thought that it might be improved (or other examples like more cost effective, time saving, clearer - list a BENEFIT of the change). I have some ideas I'd like to share and get your feedback on them. I believe that if we do this (this is the impact it will have or the benefit we will gain - be quantitative <<it will save 2 hours>>or qualitative (it will help customer service be able to consistently answer this confusing question better ) ."