I am in a condundrum.

30 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 8:38PM UTC

   He's a total control freak. And you are right....the Teams issue is definitely NOT your fault.

   Is this person young? Part of the problem.

   Document your work and success to cover yourself. You are successful and he's got serious control issues.

   Off topic, but of he's married or has a GF.... won't be much longer

2. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 10:04PM UTC

   We are the same age, he is just 2-3 weeks older than me, beyond mid career. He is married. I don't ask about his personal life unless he wants to share it with me. He gets along really well with a man in his early 30s but with me it's a whole different story. At times I feel degraded. I have decades of experience and I feel undermined.His superior is much more supportive and positive. I have been thinking of communicating with the superior to figure out what to do. I already tried getting feedback from HR asking also about the company culture.

3. Sarah BordersSeptember 15,2023 at 1:43PM UTC

   I think communicating with his superior is a great idea. Ask them for tips on how to manage up with this guy. It’s a bummer of a situation, and he sounds like a real piece of work, but if your plan is to stick with this job, you have to be able to do that. It won’t fix everything, but it may make him easier work with. Also, relaying your struggles to his superior may have him on the receiving end of a bit of management coaching.

4. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 2:19PM UTC

   Yeah the sense of entitlement made me think that too.

5. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 9:42PM UTC

   Quick quick side note: Teams allows you to schedule those notes sent out. I also work with multiple time zones. Type your note, right click on the send arrow then the options show up above. It's a GREAT feature. .....

6. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 10:13PM UTC

   Thanks. Now I only contact him on Teams during his work hours so I can avoid conflict and another hour long conversation over something trivial.

7. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

   Well, and he also has a volume button and no doubt a snooze function on his computer or phone wherever he gets his messages.

8. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 9:50PM UTC

   Has this always been his behavior? Has it been a recent change? It sounds very abrupt in your sharing, that's why I'm asking. IF you can, have you learned his style of communication that works without push back? NOW, in saying that I am NOT saying to ever "FAWN" in ANY moments. That is not meeting someone halfway while trying to learn how to work together as 2 human beings. That will not serve you well. Also, kinda leaning on whether they have less years in their career journey and are more like 'flexing' themselves. Either way, you are WORTH respect, and he can also turn off Teams notifications during certain hours, just like not getting email notifications.

9. AnonymousSeptember 14,2023 at 10:11PM UTC

   This has always been his behavior and it's getting old. I have tried learning his communication style. Once I used Teams, just like he uses and asked him for advice on something, asking him for comment. He interpreted that Teams interaction that I expected a response immediately when none of my communications implied, alluded or directly stated that. I knew he was busy and I stated when he had time we could discuss further. Despite attempts he was angry at me. Then today he said he wants calls, he flip flops on preferred methods of communication. When we're in meetings we need to be able to use Teams especially if we're in the same meeting and need to align on a talking point. We are both beyond mid-career and I'm feeling drained and exhausted from this continued conflict.

10. AnonymousSeptember 15,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    Don't take responsibility for this person's insecurities and neurotic mindset.
    Other people will continue to have the same experience with him. Do not take it on and make yourself responsible for it. He's troubled but not your child or parent. Not your problem. Keep your notes and time his sidebars of "discussion " dealing with the minutiae that weighs him down. You need to get some distance from your sense of responsibility for this man's life and struggles. They are not limited to you.

11. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 2:44AM UTC

    Focus on whether you can get your job done, not your feelings. If your boss wants to waste your time, that's his prerogative. Sitting there while he wastes your time is annoying, but some people are just like this.

    Meanwhile, document the ways that work isn't getting done if that's happening. And "documentation" doesn't mean personal files -- it means sending him an email saying something about not getting work done due to a specific long conversation.

    Higher-ups probably already knows he's like this, so appealing to them is unlikely to help.

    Some people just suck.

12. Darryl OwensSeptember 16,2023 at 12:59PM UTC

    1) polish up your résumé

    2) keep records and of his behavior

    3) go to HR, you have a right to be treated with decency and respect!

13. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 2:17PM UTC

    Respectfully, I agree with one and two, but I would not waste my time with number three. You’re just burning a bridge there. HR does not work for the employees. It works for the company.

14. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 1:24PM UTC

    I'm dealing with this now. You should consider the possibility this guy has probably narcissistic personality disorder. He's not going to change, they never do. It's an illness that can only be managed. Coaching by anyone at work whether HR or his manager won't be enough. Btw, they tend to be sexist. So you can either choose to feel how you feel for as long as you are in your role or you can leave.

15. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 3:19AM UTC

    Thanks. I'm the only other woman on the team besides the leader, who is involved now. I've had enough and I've experienced my share of sexism, microaggressions. It needs to stop.

16. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 1:40PM UTC

    I’m in a similar situation. I think keeping receipts could be important but it’s very unlikely anything will change unless there’s a chance this person is in danger of getting fired for reasons unrelated to his toxic behavior.

    You could waste YEARS attempting to ‘manage up’ ‘set boundaries’ and ‘show your boss you can be trusted.’ Sorry, but that’s all bullshit. And you and your career will be negatively impacted.

    Our real options are to move within the company or get another job.

17. GirlBossanova934974September 16,2023 at 2:06PM UTC

    Having spent 40 plus years in the workforce, I have heard and seen a lot. But this manager of yours really takes the cake. He reminds of an old line from a movie, 'Jerry Maguire' From Cuba Gooding Jr to Tom Cruise, "YOU are hanging on by a Thin Thread"....... In other words, this guy is N-U-T-S, aka one step away from the rubber room. On a practical front, what manager who is doing anything has time for this type of nonsense? An hour to go over a few issues in an email? To the rest of us, it's a TEAMS or SLACK chat saying I would like you to change this or that and thanks a million after that. You woke him up? Then turn the darn TEAMS things off at your end. You looked at him in an offhand way? Yea, and so did my CAT this morning. Get over it! Meanwhile on planet earth aka the real world, I have to see that I am prepared for the WED meeting with Ms. So and So and so if you look a little less cheerful, no biggee! We are all a little stressed here. NEXT! PS: If I were you, I would put in for immediate transfer or get out of this company. PPS: I have seen these sort of nutjob blow up as well. Shortly thereafter after one of their really stupid moves, class action unlawful termination six-seven figure settlements were signed before the case or cases showed up in court which would have cost one heck of a lot more.

18. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 3:16AM UTC

    Every small issue apparently takes an hour call to clear up. I don't know why but I've had enough. Tired of being demeaned and I'm done with the s$%%show. Escalated his behavior to someone that hopefully matters in this hellacious situation. Thank you.

19. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 2:20PM UTC

    I’m curious. Are there other people under his management? If so, I would guess he speaks to them and treats them in a similar fashion. Do you feel comfortable speaking confidentially to them? If so, and you uncover that his behavior is universally toxic, I suggest you all go to HR to place a complaint. A similar thing happened where my husband works and though it took a few years to have a toxic boss unceremoniously fired, she eventually was let go due to the number of people who waged a complaint with HR. One thing to note: HR is there to protect the interests of the employer. However, when an employee develops a file full of complaints against him, he becomes a liability for the company. Addressing this situation as a team will bring emphasis to the issue and give it more credibility.

20. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 3:13AM UTC

    He's besties with someone much younger, a male, of course. It's just the bestie and me, that's it.

21. AnonymousSeptember 16,2023 at 5:08PM UTC

    Speak to HR or pull him aside and ask if there is anything you can do to get back to a good working relationship. He should respond favorably after you toss out that olive branch, and if he does not consider making a formal complaint of hostile workplace. No one should have to walk on eggshells for work.

22. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 3:11AM UTC

    Thank you. I reached out to a higher up with an ask to improve the relationship. I gave one example only of the nonsense I've been enduring. That was enough.

23. maria roseSeptember 16,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    Since this has always been this manager style of response to anyone who “annoys” them at the moment and it has been “tolerated “ by the higher ups, —probably because they are valuable to the company’s end game. The only option for you ( the OP anonymous of this post) is to find another job—don’t quit while looking-but find another job with a better communication system. Don’t bother trying to change something that will not be changed. Good Luck

24. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 3:09AM UTC

    I don't know why he would be considered as valuable. He doesn't have any skills that are better than mine. And his projections are a clear sign that he can't handle the stress of his job. Maybe there are other things going on his personal life as well. Who knows. I ended up self-advocating and escalating. I'm way too old for this nonsense and I've had enough

25. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 4:00PM UTC

    Have you tried giving him feedback and letting him know how he makes you feel? It wouldn't hurt to ask him if he was open to a conversation about your working relationship and the stress you feel with each interaction. No boss should make you feel scared or stressed. From my same unfortunate experience, I was able to give feedback which she listened to and it got better for a little bit, but I it took courage on my part as I was a nervous mess preparing for it. The time she was behaving better, gave me the time to save more money and take early retirement (was my reason for leaving) and quit and give myself time to recoup and restore while looking for another job. The best thing I have ever done! Toxic bosses are the number one reason people leave their jobs. I also loved my job, my team and the organization. I was able to give feedback in an exit interview and confidential letter to our employee hotline, as I was in HR and didn't have anywhere to go during this time. My bosses moto for 2023 was "F--- with me and watch and see" and I didn't want to have anything to do with that! I wish you well and hope you give some thought to giving feedback, you never know until you try and if he behaves the same way, its a sign it is time to go.

26. Vivian HwaSeptember 17,2023 at 2:36PM UTC

    Document and have proof, don't engage, just say you understand and will get training if needed. It won't stop, you can't fix it and you need to find a new boss/supervisor. HR won't take your side unless it's a lawsuit. It could be sexism, ageism, or jealousy or whatever underlying, but you can't point it out and hope to change your dynamic. Seen it too much as a union rep at my workplace.

27. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 3:08PM UTC

    This is unfortunately very true. I just went through this, in the end I had to get another job. He was a VERY toxic manager and I am more happy and healthy now that I am away from that environment and his narcissistic view. The stress and anxiety was killing me (probably literally taking years off my life)! So while the job, the pay and my team were great, nothing out weighs stress.

28. Romesh VidanageSeptember 18,2023 at 8:27AM UTC

    Some people argue because they are right, some people argue to win even though they are wrong but they just argue to win. Some people argue and conclude that they are wrong and the argument is over. Be careful of those people who argue to win

29. AnonymousSeptember 20,2023 at 2:44AM UTC

    This situation sounds exhausting. I hope you can find another job. Best of luck to you

30. Evette JohnsonSeptember 20,2023 at 2:27PM UTC

    Venting helps to get it out . . .

    When you are ready for solutioning / to do what is best for YOU , keep in mind that you can only control YOURSELF ( your actions & responses )