I am not sure what to say to my former colleagues who are applying to roles reporting up to my former boss who treated me really poorly.

22 Comments

1. AnonymousJanuary 20,2024 at 8:23PM UTC

   If they ask, say as little as possible: "it wasn't always easy but I was able to do my job; I left my role as I wanted something different "

   If they don't ask, don't bring it up

2. Jennifer FingerJanuary 20,2024 at 8:54PM UTC

   Maybe just say that if they have any problems with the job you'll be happy to advise them as best you can, and then, should anyone tell you about a problem with the boss, offer a sympathetic ear and appropriate advice .

3. AnonymousJanuary 21,2024 at 12:56PM UTC

   Not the OP’s problem to provide ongoing counseling services to subordinates of a former boss. She has no obligation to continue running interference. She’s creating work for herself and continuing the trauma that she escaped by taking this advice.

4. Jennifer FingerJanuary 23,2024 at 12:51AM UTC

   My suggestion was that she could choose to offer a friendly ear, not to oblige herself to offer counseling.

5. Nancy VJanuary 20,2024 at 9:59PM UTC

   If someone specifically asks you about your boss and why you left, I believe you should be honest while being professional. By saying all is good there, you are, in fact, lying to them. You can phrase it like, "We weren't a good fit for one another, so I decided to find another position." Or provide examples of things that occurred where you felt it was toxic and let others come to their own conclusion. I personally would be really mad if I asked someone about a boss and they told me they were fine, and it turned out they were toxic. I suspect this person has a reputation already and that's why people are inquiring.

6. AnonymousJanuary 21,2024 at 1:41PM UTC

   You can say something vague like preferring a different environment or having a hard time adapting to his style. Some bosses are less toxic to different people and some people are more bomb proof. Your colleagues may actually be okay in that environment.

7. AnonymousJanuary 21,2024 at 7:46PM UTC

   The best response is his work style did not align with mine, and I recommend when you interview with him you ask about how he deals with conflict resolution and course correction. Then say nothing else. Let them figure it out for themselves. If they press you the follow up is I need a boss that is XYZ- insert the info you need in there that he lacks. And then you can say that was not evident in the way he works.

8. AnonymousJanuary 22,2024 at 3:26AM UTC

   Be honest but professional. Just say that for you personally his leadership style was not a good fit for you.

   It’s honest but you are only saying it didn’t work for you - you aren’t saying he’s bad. People who know you and how you operate will be able to read between the lines.

9. AnonymousJanuary 22,2024 at 1:30PM UTC

   This is an interesting situation. I’ve been on the other side, genuinely asking a colleague for her opinion on a supervisor before applying for a job under him. While being professional is very important, I think being honest about your experience is too. You don’t need to bash the person, but giving specific example for why it wasn’t a good fit for you might help steer them. If it is as toxic as you make it sound, I think as she deserves to know what she could be walking into. Then the decision is hers…

10. Colleen HansonJanuary 22,2024 at 4:19PM UTC

    I absolutely agree! I was in a similar position once and asked the person I was going to be replacing about my new potential manager and she sung her praises only to come back to me later, after she left the company a year later due to a move, and apologize profusely for having been dishonest with me. She feared that if she were honest with me it would affect her new position within the company, which I somewhat understood, but a little heads up would have allowed me the opportunity to either proceed forward or decline the position and look for a better fit. I had become so miserable in the position that I was in therapy due to the constant belittling and bullying. Please be tactfully honest about your experience without personally attacking the manager and let your colleagues make their own informed decision. While I somewhat understand why my former colleague withheld information from me due to the toxic company culture I ended our professional relationship because I felt there was tactful information she could have given me beforehand and I no longer trusted her. I was amused to find out she was still using my name as a professional reference a couple of years later and offered no information other than to say I had worked with her. When asked about her work style, reliability, honesty, etc. I politely declined answering any further questions, which in itself is an answer. Make sure you are not burning any professional bridges by not being upfront and tactfully honest.

11. AnonymousJanuary 22,2024 at 2:35PM UTC

    This is a tough one. Two options:

    1. Be vague say his working style did not mesh with mine and recommend that they assess their own ability to work with your former boss.
    2. Be honest but factual/professional. Unless this is your BFF that you are confident that you can confide in them do not mix emotions in. For what ever reason this person has been successful in his role and saying negative things rarely helps you and at it’s worst could end up being a defamation case.

    either option: be professional and choose your words wisely.

    you also do not want to be known as the person ‘running from’ something. You want your career path to show that you are ‘running to’ something. By having your boss be the main reason you left, as your story on the outside it does not help your future career path (especially if you are in a field in which there is really only one or two degrees of separation).

12. AnonymousJanuary 22,2024 at 7:58PM UTC

    OP here. This is all incredibly helpful. The challenge I'm facing is that my former boss considers almost everything a personal criticism so being tactful is not an option. And he is very powerful and vindictive and I'm very vulnerable. That said, the person asking is a close friend, a wonderful colleague, and my reference. But he is also direct and not someone who can keep secrets.

13. AnonymousJanuary 26,2024 at 9:20PM UTC

    Wow. Tight spot. Maybe you can share, "you have such keen insight, friends. I know you will make the best decision for yourself. As always, best of luck!"

14. AnonymousJanuary 23,2024 at 2:33AM UTC

    Glassdoor does but the challenge is that there are really good teams in this company and it’s really just my boss who is toxic and duplicitous.

15. GirlBossanova934974January 23,2024 at 1:56PM UTC

    Here is a take! As a former financial auditor, you can do what financial auditors do when they run into company financials/managers which/whom cannot be trusted aka are duplicitous and highly problematic. We call It the NO OPINION approach. We withdraw from the engagement and render a NO OPINION. Not a negative opinion. Not a qualified opinion. ERGO, your response to colleagues concerning this manager should be "I really cannot give you an opinion of this manager" and just leave it at that.

16. AnonymousJanuary 23,2024 at 4:17PM UTC

    Like saying a baby is "big" when you can't say anything else. This advice will come in handy! Thanks!

17. Heather MattissonJanuary 23,2024 at 4:48PM UTC

    I've been in this situation several times before. Also, I've been the one taking a job with a deeply narcissistic boss and someone tried to warn me beforehand. Here's the thing: When the departing Chief of Staff gave me a "non-response" after I asked about the manager's leadership style, I remembered it but didn't let it sway my decision. I later deeply regretted my decision, but in the moment I was pretty happy to be trying a new job, and so the "non-response" was not enough to make me pause. So, if you give a "non-response" or "neutral response" to your friend, understand that that's not truly effective in warning your friend.

    What you might do instead, which feels more impactful, is answer the universal "money question," which is the net promoter score in the marketing/product world. Which is: on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely would you be to work for this manager again or recommend this manager to others? If you told your friend that the NPS you've assigned that manager is a 2, that's going to get her attention...and, you don't have to say any more than that. If your friend wants to know why, you can tell her. But if she doesn't want to know why, that's perfectly fine. But, she's been adequately warned.

18. AnonymousJanuary 23,2024 at 5:41PM UTC

    If it were me, I'd appreciate someone giving me a heads up. It's ok to say state facts like x number of people transferred out, and that his leadership style is not one you associate with leaders you'd rate as the best.

19. Lynntw83January 25,2024 at 3:17PM UTC

    “I had a bad experience in that working environment and found a place that’s a better fit for me.” Factual, but since they’re “I” statements about your personal experience and not “boss” statements, no one can accuse you of trashing your former employer/supervisor, whom you didn’t even mention.

20. Colette RodgersJanuary 25,2024 at 6:33PM UTC

    all you have to say is what you already said- You have to decide what is best for you and weigh the options. Period. If they don't get your "non answer" answer then... not much you can do

21. Heather HaalandJanuary 26,2024 at 4:42AM UTC

    I try to practice Kind vs Nice. Kindness = doing something helpful to others. Nice = pleasing.

    sometimes the truth is hard to tell but there are ways to be respectful and honest

22. AnonymousJanuary 30,2024 at 3:06PM UTC

    OP here - loved all of your advice! Here's what I ended up trying - "have you looked into this [alternative] department yet?" And left it at that.