I have a dilemma...

20 Comments

1. Heather (she/her)December 21,2023 at 2:03PM UTC

   I have a few thoughts here.

   1 - open offices are the worst and are fairly well shown to not be helpful for most orgs, so I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

   2 - there is so much we can learn from coworkers in their 20s, so embrace it. Get to know them and dig into how they think about their work. They may not approach it the same way you do, but they're working hard and doing great things in the world.

   3 - I get that you're trying to concentrate, but you're probably holding yourself back by isolating while you're in the office. Building relationships with the team could not only help you professionally, but might also help you feel more engaged with the team. Use your WFH days for isolated, focused, quiet work.

   Overall, blind loyalty is definitely not the goal, but there may be ways you can feel more satisfied with this role if you adjust your perspective a bit. And then if that doesn't work, you can always start looking for other opportunities that might be a better fit.

2. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 2:29PM UTC

   I was on a consulting engagement where I worked with people in their early to mid 20s. This was different from my standard engagement. At first, I noticed all of our differences. The language, the dress, the style of work, the work product. I attended a few happy hours and I noticed that they were passionate about activism and other issues of today. Over time I noticed how they aspire to live differently than previous generations and became curious about this. I still keep in touch with one of the folks. Mentoring etc. now she offers me insights on trends, has referred me to an exec role. While you may not be interested in the role. Give the people a chance to surprise you. You might even surprise yourself. :)

3. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 3:30PM UTC

   I’m a boomer and I love working with the younger gen z’s. I applauded their wants to change the old ways and create new ways (because frankly the old ways are t working anymore). I learn from them

   and it keeps me young and feeling alive. When we were their age our adults felt the same way about us - so give them a chance and become

   less rigid in your thinking. You might learn something too.

4. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 7:19PM UTC

   Yes! they question some of the things that many of us have just accepted without challenge. I find that refreshing. For example, a Gen-Z said to me that he thinks it’s ridiculous to “pay your dues.” We accept that. But maybe he’s not wrong! Maybe those abusive internships that we all accepted are utter rubbish! I admire their audacity.

5. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 3:26PM UTC

   No problem, you have been burned by a layoff and are trying to grasp difficult work. You dont want to feel engaged or connected to anything to do with this company. This is where you're at right now.

   Eventually you'll find something you love and a team you adore. Now is not that time.

6. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 4:46PM UTC

   So a few thoughts:
   People in their 20s tend to very clearly state their own needs, so find a way to do it in a way that they understand. For example, "I have trouble concentrating and get easily distracted, so I prefer a quiet space." Then, get a pair of earplugs or headphones to visibly reinforce that your getting your work done requires more quiet. I am in my 40s too and I found that being very specific and make it an "I" statement worked.
   Find an affinity group or one thing you CAN join. Is there a Mother's group or a Woman's group? This can help you look like you are trying to be social, even if you don't want to. If they have a Slack, join it and contribute once in a while. It will show you are trying to be social and you can control HOW much you share. For me, I tend to tell only parts of my life that are not real shares or don't matter like, "My niece did [insert cute by meaningless story]." It works for me.
   Look at the calendar of gatherings and find the one you think will be LEAST attended. For me, it is always when they have a talk about something (like a speaker come in). If you have something similar, pick that (or a movie night or something else like that). Plan in advance and when you talk to your manager you can say, "I did this, it is a struggle because of childcare but I made it a priority."
   When things get frustrating, remind yourself it is temporary and a new job is on its way.
   And no, you are NOT wrong to feel like this. I work in tech. There are a lot of immature people and relationships and cultures that seem to want to extend the college years into the workplace. And it is not at all wrong to put family first. It sounds like to me that will be a challenge at this role, so make it a stop in your journey so you have money until you find your next thing. Tech people move around all the time. You should feel free to do so as well.

7. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 5:26PM UTC

   Be more mature about your situation please.
   Yes, it will take some time for you to get acclimated to open office but if you cannot deal with the endless chatter and cannot block it out get some noise cancelling headphones and use them. You need to learn to collaborate better in the environment you are in because that is what most companies have these days, open space. Attend the events even if it is just for a short time to show your face. You might just be missing out on making life easier for yourself because the bitterness in your comments seems to be driving your tone. If your manager is making negative comments to you perhaps sit them down and tell them about the environmental shift you are dealing with and let them know why it had been hard for you. Don't spite yourself in this situation because it may be harder to find something new if you don't let go a bit. Teach the young-uns how a mature professional works, they might just learn something great from you and you them.

8. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 7:25PM UTC

   On the whole- agree. In addition, the manager may be signaling that they sense the OP is not a cultural fit. I worry that saying the environment is such a major adjustment might reinforce this kind of belief. That might set a series of actions in motion that could leave the OP without the ability to adapt to their new situation. People are fired all the time for not being a cultural fit. The OP might want to hurry to adapt to show good will.

9. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 7:23PM UTC

   I sense that being busy with new/different responsibilities is a red herring. I think it’s more that you don’t want to engage with folks in the office. Not saying that as a judgment. Just be curious about it. What are you saying to yourself about it? What conclusions have you made? Look closely and be honest with yourself.

10. Amy LoreDecember 22,2023 at 7:19PM UTC

    Needing quiet to focus really resonates with me – I've always been jealous of people who can focus despite background conversations and other distractions. It's good you're taking care of yourself (and your job performance) by opting to work in a quiet room, rather than suffering through the noise.

    However, people who don't share this need for silence often interpret this kind of self-segregation negatively. I'm betting you're a bit of an introvert? Extroverted people often (unfairly) see introverts as cold, unfriendly, snobby, or rude, at least until they get to know them better. That might be a factor here, which means you have to put some effort into befriending your new work colleagues. That's really a part of any new job – you have to show up to an extra meeting or two, throw some memes or a pic of your dog in the Slack chat, and ask about people's weekends. No need to be BFFs with everyone or sacrifice time with your fam, but some easygoing friendliness will go a long way to people respecting your desire for blocks of quiet time.

    If you do want to stick it out at this job, people in their 20s tend to be sensitive to neurodivergence, so you might try framing your difficulty with distractions that way. The advice to get noise canceling headphones is good – it's an easy way to signal "Hey, not available" while still showing your face. Spending the morning in isolation and the afternoon on the floor with headphones might be a good compromise with your pro-social coworkers.

    Ultimately, though, I think this isn't about an open office or your young coworkers at all. You're holding on to a lot of negativity from your previous job. Until you release that, you're going to be unhappy. Try your best to look on the bright side – you're employed, your coworkers want to include you, you have the option of a quiet space – and bring as much positivity as you can muster to work. Wishing you the best of luck. :)

11. GirlBossanova934974December 23,2023 at 1:56PM UTC

    As a 61 year old, I am really not into this "culture stuff". First and foremost, you are being paid to do a job. So that is your first responsibility. Are you doing that job well? Second as I remember my workdays in my 20s, I remember several fellow employees who were really not serious about their jobs. Not much has changed except for the fact that some these days love to drag their personal lives and social causes into the office. I wasn't interested 35 years ago and I have no interest today. As for team meetings, I would attend those. I always attend all meetings as a matter of routine. This is professionalism in my view. When you think about it, you can be a great asset to the younger workers in the office. You can show them how a professional works and performs. That is something that will last for decades. I myself had the great fortune of working with many older workers when I was just starting out. I learned more in those years than in the last decade or two. The big difference maker? Professionals COME PREPARED whatever the occasion, meeting, or event. Showing up with a clueless look or throwing up your hands and complaining I do not understand and I expect someone to inform me is not the way professionals carry on. I once had a nasty CFO I once reported to. A $20B annual revenue company. His favorite line? HOPE is NOT a valid business strategy....

12. AnonymousDecember 23,2023 at 2:48PM UTC

    Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.

    If you have trouble managing distraction, consider that you might have ADHD. With the proper steps, you may be able to get noise-cancelling headphones or a desk facing a wall.

13. AnonymousDecember 24,2023 at 1:57PM UTC

    I worked for a start-up with mostly 20-year-olds, and frankly, it became tiresome.

14. AnonymousDecember 24,2023 at 3:13PM UTC

    I am currently in this situation. I took time off to be with my kids until they started school. Now I am 44 and I work at a startup with 20 something. It hasn’t been easy especially when your manager is a 20 something and they are trying to mentor you. As expected the maturity level will be not at the same level which unfortunately is normal dealing with a younger generation, just as we were at that age. However, we can learn things from younger folks if we are open to it. I attend all meetings and actively show up and participate. In your case I would keep looking for new work as it sounds like a poor fit, but I would try to get along until you leave. Sometimes it is a poor fit and the age thing can be the icing on the cake.

15. Amy Carissa OliverDecember 25,2023 at 3:26PM UTC

    You know, it just sounds like this company isn't a good fit for you, I would also not fare well in an open office environment. That's not bitterness, it's just a working preference and it's okay to not like a job because of that. Guess what? I also don't like rah-rah stuff and forced fun, I think it's a good idea to seek an environment that suits you better. Don't blame yourself, just acknowledge you're not 20 and don't want to be. :-)

16. L GreenDecember 25,2023 at 3:47PM UTC

    Good decision but just to let you know from my own experience I have found and realized the work environment has changed dramatically and the younger people are from a different generation. I only got along with others ... for the sake of completing my assignments. I had to change and adapt to my work environment. Not attending team meetings is not a good sign you will be labeled an non-team player.

17. CEJNYCDecember 27,2023 at 1:44PM UTC

    Agree with what was said about making an effort to be part of the "team." Working with these people you might learn about, and benefit from, their knowledge and skills. You might even get to like them (or some of them) Plus, if you leave, it will be harder for anyone in their 40s plus to get hired there in the future.

18. AnonymousDecember 26,2023 at 11:21PM UTC

    Open offices suck, especially if you have a role where you need blocks of focus time to be productive.

    You said that you’re able to choose the days that you come into the office—have you tried choosing Mondays and Fridays as two of your days? I know that my own office tends to be pretty empty on those days, and the noise/distraction level is much more manageable.

    As far as your new, younger colleagues go, how inclusive is the environment overall? I’ve worked at software startups where the culture was very tech bro-ish and felt like a frat house. If yours is similar, you’re not ever going to fit in culturally as a 40-something woman with a family, so I wouldn’t worry about it—just look at this job as a stepping stone while you look for a better fit. If it *is* a more diverse, inclusive environment, you could do an occasional team event if you can get childcare covered. e.g. I’ll do the occasional team dinner, but I skip on the informal team happy hours.

19. Damie WilsonDecember 27,2023 at 1:34PM UTC

    If you're leaving, what exactly are you asking here in the forum?

20. Emily Christine SmithDecember 27,2023 at 3:56PM UTC

    Echoing lots of comments that what you’re feeling definitely makes sense and is fair.

    However, even if you don’t want to be their friend, building trust between teams is so so important. Honestly, the company was probably hoping you’d bring a little maturity & groundedness to the team. You 1000% should give yourself the space you need to work, but would eating lunch or taking quick breaks with coworkers be so bad? Have you asked if team events could happen when you’re able to attend?

    I’m never a fan of the “rah rah” either, but that isn’t what building community with your team is. Also, with the very limited context provided, you might also be limiting your own development. The 20yr olds in start ups are sharp. And listening & learning from them is what keeps me sharp, keeps me competitive. You have such an opportunity to stay up to date on technology, professional trends, etc.