How to handle an abusive boss.

Anonymous

January 3,2024 at 12:52AM UTC

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How to handle an abusive boss.

I have worked for the same company for 9 years and worked my way up, improving my position. My manager has always made me uncomfortable because she is outspoken and critical of everyone and speaks poorly of employees, the owner and other executives in the company and anyone else she takes issue with. I have managed ok despite my discomfort until last year. A year ago I made a couple of pretty big mistakes in my work. I am not making any excuses but at the time was experiencing some personal problems which did not help. I was mortified by the errors and did my best to correct everything and yet still turned around immediately after that and screwed up a different task. My year was not great personally and in turn my distraction did not help my work. This portion is being added to say I have deserved for her to be disappointed, upset etc with me at times. I am willing to admit, I have not been a perfect employee. We have had some talks in which I was honest and of course apologetic. As the year continued on, I could feel more and more disapproval with both my work and personally. She brings up my past errors periodically which just confirms she has no faith in me.

She was unhappy with the timeline for a project I am working on, she was unhappy that I was taking a lot of time off at the end of the year, among other things. Today was my first day back and immediately I felt disapproval about things we already discussed last month. Then this afternoon she came to me and basically said I lied about doing something because when she had someone look into it while I was out and was told I never did what I said. I do not lie and said so. I said lies always find you out and I would never do that. I did what I said I did - but when I went on the necessary website, could not find a record of my work. I was freaking out and said I know you will not believe me but I did exactly what I said. I told her all the steps I took in detail but she clearly does not believe me. To make matters worse, she said some very upsetting things about me to a co-worker which were very personal.

I cannot afford to quit without something else lined up. On top of that, I am behind on some things which I am putting in extra time this entire month to catch up on. It is sad, because I do like my co-workers but the situation is untenable. I have zero self-esteem left, I doubt even the most basic parts of my job, and have actually wondered if I was losing my mind, for example when I swear I did something that is not there now. I already know I need a different position somewhere else. My question is, how do I deal with the situation (her) until I can get out? I have so little belief in myself, I feel like I won't get a position that pays what I currently make and do not feel equipped... which makes me feel more and more trapped. For the record, other employees have had similar issues in the past and see what is happening to me but nothing can be done.

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RavenJanuary 3,2024 at 2:22AM UTC
Counseling. You need someone unbiased that you can talk to that will help you develop a plan to deal with the current situation and help you figure out where you want to go moving forward. I had a similar problem, except I was belittled because I am disabled, and counseling helped tremendously.
AnonymousJanuary 3,2024 at 3:57AM UTC
I would start looking for a new job immediately and start documenting everything you do and what is said by your manager. Keep notes in a straightforward, unbiased manner and send an email to your personal address so that it is time stamped. This way you not only have evidence if needed for HR but also it will make you feel less crazy. It’s possible that she is gaslighting you to make you feel crazy and incompetent. Read what you can about how to deal with gaslighting at work (you must stay very unemotional and fact based when dealing with a gaslighter), some of the situations you are describing sound like classic gaslighting. I agree that seeking out counseling would be very helpful. I have dealt with this type of a manager before and it was a complete power trip on his part. He played people against each other, constantly changed expectations, lied, and got away with it for a really long time because it took so long for HR to catch on. It just about destroyed me mentally and physically. You can’t “win” against someone like this so your best bet is to leave as soon as you can. I wish you the very best of luck.
AnonymousJanuary 3,2024 at 4:18AM UTC
Unfortunately you have burned that bridge.
I don't expect that she will ever trust you. Adding to this highly stressful situation, you are sabotaging yourself with a defeated mindset because of severe burnout and possibly depression.
I would get some therapy asap. Your PTSD sounds as if it's getting worse and eventually can result in a breakdown.
Please accept that your situation is damaging your mental health. No job is worth that damage because it will take you a very long time to recover . Take a long range perspective at your life. This needs to be dealt with now so your can live a healthy and happy life later.
Steps to take now:
1. Find out what your benefits will cover (EAP, medical insurance, disability, etc). Knowing your options is imperative at this point.
2. Take some time off in the form of leave, PTO or sick time. Find out how much time you can manage. Rest and line up your support.
3. Make a plan. Speak to a therapist and your primary care physician to get their advice and then prioritize your wellbeing and put a plan together asap.
Only you can help yourself at this point. Take this seriously with the planned help of professionals who will understand how to support you.
Ava WestJanuary 4,2024 at 2:35PM UTC
Wow. I am living proof of this in my own situation of being fired while I had been out sick, was depressed and kept working to then being fired in my schedule 1:1. Talk about PTSD.. I'm in the middle of breakdown and have no insurance to get therapy.
I highly agree and think OP needs to take time off. I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone.
Archana AgarwalJanuary 3,2024 at 6:29AM UTC
Your first priority should be to take care of your mental health. With your current low self esteem and confidence you will neither be able to survive here nor will you be able to find another job. The fact that you worked in a company for 9 years in enough proof that you can deliver. It is just a matter of time and with proper medical care you will regain your confidence.
My suggestion is that if the atmosphere in this organization is toxic, it is better to take up another job.
AnonymousJanuary 3,2024 at 2:40PM UTC
Time to go.
AnonymousJanuary 3,2024 at 5:01PM UTC
While reading your post & following comments, I started to get upset, which tells me your backed into a corner right now with no support.
I have worked in mid- management for 20 years and this behavior from upper management is a common problem across all industries. But in order to get some clarity for yourself and well being, I strongly suggest you take FMLA or short term leave. FMLA does need to be signed off by a medical professional and you can take up to 12 weeks.
Get some distance and breathing room.
Don’t just quit your job. If they let you go, then you have unemployment (not ideal, but it’s something). If you run, you get nada.
Take the time away to sort your stuff out and decide if you want to go back or move on. At least this will help you regain some control over your professional path.
If you choose to go back, document all interactions with this person. If it gets worse, and you want to push back, go speak with an employment law attorney about a hostile work environment.
I really hope everything works out for you, I’ve been in this place on a professional level and it’s something you can come out of.
AnonymousJanuary 4,2024 at 3:58AM UTC
Very good advice! I have to also say that it's hard to fully appreciate the damage these situations have on your health. It's not until you leave and have decompressed that you can truly assess that damage
Ava WestJanuary 4,2024 at 2:29PM UTC
If I had my situation to redo, I would have definitely taken FMLA. If I had done so, I would still be employed but I was silly in trying to continue working when I had so many personal issues going on. Just my two cents.
AnonymousJanuary 3,2024 at 5:52PM UTC
Work hard to get out of this situation. It may take time, but the effort in applying and interviewing for new positions will help you feel like you are actively working towards something better. Talk to people who you have helped or who are supportive of your work-- ask them to share characteristics that are strong points for you. That can help you see what others see in you.
I've been in a similar situation- small town community, not a lot of job options, boss who told me I was worthless and couldn't do my job (even though I had successfully moved up in the position and worked their for over 18 years). I made his work girlfriend mad and he worked hard to devalue me and manage me out. It was a gross situation. I had to pack my family up and move several hours away to find something new and deal with the guilt of uprooting them. BUT- I can now breathe. The physical issues I had from the hostile work environment were deeper than I originally noticed and I had been years in survival mode. I had to physically make myself get out of the car to go into the building each day. My shoulders are now less heavy and my outlook is a lot more positive. I'm curious again and have the space for growth not just survival.
There are spaces out there that are supportive. There will be a time where you are at peace. Until then, smile every time you see them. Be extra kind and then avoid as much as you can. Keep records- emails, notes from meetings, etc. Take as many breaks (vacation days) as you can. Exercise. And best of luck to you.
AnonymousJanuary 4,2024 at 2:20AM UTC
She probably has a keylogger on your PC ... she deleted your work.
I see this crap all the time.
AnonymousJanuary 4,2024 at 4:26PM UTC
I am sad to hear this has happened to you. It sounds as if your confidence is shaken and that makes you more vulnerable to making additional errors.
If the boss continues to bring up past errors, my advice would be to speak to what you have done to correct these errors in your ongoing work as a way to demonstrate you are taking appropriate action to rectify the situation. If you are behind in work, put a solid, written plan in place to get caught up. If you have a written plan, you can tick off what you accomplish and have proof you are making progress.
Communication is key as well. It sounds like you are open to admitting your mistakes. Make sure your boss knows you are working to improve your outcomes.
Because your self-confidence is shaken, it makes you more susceptible to question what you are doing. You have been there nine years and have been retained so I would believe you are doing a good job. Don't worry about other people. It is easy to make comparators but don't get caught up in that. With a little planning and confidence, you will get back on track!
AnonymousJanuary 7,2024 at 4:24PM UTC
Leave.
If you need the financials, put in 2 weeks and find part-time work until you find a new full-time job. This is definitely affecting your mental health and you deserve a break. Please note, most toxic work places will tell you to kick rocks and walk you out if you try to put in your notice.
If you have the financials, pack up your things and walk away. Take some time off to get your mental health back in order. Work part-time. Find/accept a full-time job when you’re ready.