How to talk to HR about sexual harassment by a coworker?

45 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 12:17AM UTC

   Provide as factual account as possible.
   Dates time. Context . And name the coworkers that came to you regarding the information on the picture(s).

   Make it clear in your meeting that this behavior has;

   1. Made you feel unsafe at your workplace

   2. Has made you anxious in general

   3. Made you feel harassed by a coworker

   4. Has made you feel stalked at work.

   Be very clear that you've lost sleep, you've lost some joy and peace both in your work and at home.

   Ask sincerely for help from HR

2. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 2:34AM UTC

   Thank you so much for your thoughts. I appreciate your advice in my time of need (for a safe and comfortable working conditions that is). ?

3. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

   Start documenting now. If you have reported this to a supervisor before, note that.

4. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

   The same sort of thing happened to me at my first job out of college. I came in on a weekend to show my sister where I worked, and a guy like the one you described came up to me and gave me a big hug. Since I was there with my sister, and newly married, this was quite embarrassing. I pushed him away and introduced my sister to him and we went about our way. The next Monday, I talked to my male co-worker who was more of a mentor than a supervisor and told him what had happened over the weekend, as I was unsure what to do, because I wanted to report him as well. My mentor offered to have a discussion with him to explain to him that I was upset, and that if he ever did it again, he would be reported by both of us. The guy came in a day or so later and apologized profusely, and thanked me for not going to HR, because he had been reported once before, and they would likely have fired him if I had. I just told him that he needed to respect my "space," and we would get along just fine. I never had another problem with him, and from what I heard, his whole attitude toward women in the workplace changed after that.

   I'm not trying to talk you out of going to HR, because if he has done it to you, he likely has done it to others. I am only trying to let you know that there are other ways to handle it. Due to your previous trauma, I totally understand not wanting to confront him or asking him to back off first, because he should definitely know better but does it anyway.

   As for your meeting with HR, like the others said, stick to the facts and how it made you feel. If he ever touched you or propositioned you, that is much more of an issue than him just giving you a "creepy" feeling, so if any of these happened, it is best if you have a witness lined up who can back you up. I hope you can trust the guys that told you about the picture, because you may need them for this. Do you know if others have complained about him? If the picture was taken with a phone that belonged to the company, they will be able to confiscate the phone and check it out.

5. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 2:48PM UTC

   I highly encourage you to find another job. You don't have any hard evidence to confirm the claim is factual or more of your perceived thoughts about your male coworker; you can also avoid talking to him at work. Limiting your conversation and keeping your distance will be good which provides clarity if you don’t wish to interact with him. If it is really bothering you, I suggest talking to a therapist about your issues; paranoia is never a good thing. If you have paranoia there maybe issues with mental health.

   Food for thought: In reality people’s perceptions of themselves — they think people are more interested in them than in reality. In reality, most people are not that interested — they just want the hours to pass by so they can go home.

6. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 12:29PM UTC

   Ouch. NO. This is a terrible comment. For one, someone ELSE told her he took photos of her while she was bending over to get something. Others are indicating there is something wrong with this guy's behavior.

   She is absolutely right in going to HR. Even without hard "proof" it starts a dialogue and can get some of this on record in case he escalates.

7. Lorraine HerreraOctober 2,2023 at 12:33PM UTC

   Where does OP says they have paranoia? Because assuming is that when someone is feeling unsafe is kind of bold.

8. AnonymousSeptember 30,2023 at 5:00PM UTC

   You are doing HR a favor by reporting this man, because he represents a legal risk to the company and a potential danger to other employees, as well as to you.

   Know that sexual harassment is illegal under Title VII of the U.S. Civil Rights Act. Your state might have a similar law — check this out before your meeting, if possible. Your company might have a policy against sexual harassment (if it does not, a policy should be created) — look at the employee manual before the meeting, if you can.

   You are fortunate to have witnesses. Will they speak on to HR your behalf or provide written statements corroborating your account?

   If HR does not intervene to your satisfaction, you have the option of hiring an employment lawyer (select one who represents employees) to represent your interests before your company.

9. Lorraine HerreraOctober 2,2023 at 12:30PM UTC

   I agree with all of this. I would add a warning to not rely solely on witnesses. I’ve had to report discrimination and even people that you believe are close at work usually lay down or even deny it when there is an investigation. They get scared of retaliation too and is a kind of understandable, even when I know I wouldn’t be able to be that person.

10. Kristina MartinOctober 2,2023 at 12:19PM UTC

    You are doing the right thing.

    I was given a tip once for when people get to close. Easier to show but I hope you get the picture.

    change your stance so one foot is in front and your weight is on your back leg. What happens is the person gets close bumps or steps on your foot and they back off. At least the polite people will back off.

    If he keeps coming then his intent is to make you uncomfortable at the least.

    Try not being alone with the guy. I was sexually harassed at work once. They transferred the guy to another store until my last day.

11. Lorraine HerreraOctober 2,2023 at 12:28PM UTC

    I’m sorry you are going through this. First, read the EEOC (if you are in US) definition of sexual harassment. It could include certain things that we disregard as “normal”. Second, document those incidents the best you can. If you don’t feel in imminent danger, maybe through teams or some written communication, “hey, I saw you kind of peeping in my office, is there something I can help you with?”. If you don’t feel safe to confront him, then other ways. Third, companies usually have a form for complains, read your employee manual. If there is not a form for complains, express your concerns to HR in email. All this documentation is important because sadly, many employees that report any type of harassment, are later retaliated. That is also illegal, that is why is very important to read the law, so you can know your rights and take care of yourself. But for everything, document. If they insist talking in person, after the in person meeting you can send an email to recap what was said, if they have anything to say about that, they would answer, if they don’t then their silence is your evidence, but all written. Please, be safe out there.

12. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 12:31PM UTC

    Just tell the HR rep that you're concerned and feeling unsafe at work due to a pattern of behavior from this individual and you would like their assistance. Keep in mind you will probably need to provide the names of the coworkers who said they saw the picture, HR will most likely interview them.

13. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 12:39PM UTC

    Do not tell them you were (almost) raped; because they will tell you to seek counseling; which maybe you want to. However, even though what had happened is illegal it doesn’t mean your employer will do anything effectively about it.

14. Sarah BordersOctober 2,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

    I just came to the comments to tell you how proud I am of you. I don’t have anything to add beyond the many excellent tips others have provided. I was sexually harassed at work when I was younger, and I didn’t report it. If I could go back in time, I would’ve handled it differently. You are doing the right thing!

15. MislynOctober 2,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

    Sad that you are going through this. It’s very scary. Let your hr department know you feel in easy around this person and make sure you are never alone with them. Being a woman is hard when you work around guys. Someone that casually flirts with you daily can also make a comment that will make you a little crengy every once in awhile as well. It’s hard to know when it’s simple flirting or they are taking it to far.

16. GirlBossanova934974October 2,2023 at 12:49PM UTC

    One should be asking to put oneself in the shoes of the HR rep here... We have an allegation of a picture which may or may not exist. Hearsay evidence from coworkers. We have an awkward conversation or two. We have an allegation of one employee staring at another employee with no third party evidence or any other corroboration from another employee. HR reps require some sort of evidence to go off of.

17. Paula BrantnerOctober 3,2023 at 3:59PM UTC

    There is evidence. Her word is evidence. The coworker's word is evidence. This isn't a lawsuit, so HR should be thinking in prevention terms, not liability terms. It is common for harassers and abusers to engage in DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. When the accused is confronted, and they engage in that conduct, they often admit what they have done when they think they're denying it: their response is evidence. Also, the HR rep may have evidence from prior people who have complained that they didn't publicly act on. If he's been there forever, I will guarantee this isn't the first person this has happened to.

18. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

    Tell HR all that has happened regarding your complaint. Make sure you document everything that has occurred and will take place in the future. Also, it is important to make your notes contemporaneous. This will add more credibility to your case. HR should be doing the same thing. HR should want to resolve this matter as quickly as possible for you...for a variety of reasons. If I can help further, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm not an attorney, but willing to share my twenty five years of being in HR. Good luck and take care!

19. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 1:25PM UTC

    Sorry to be blunt, but: You’re probably not going to feel 100% comfortable at your job again.

    I am so sorry for you and for each of us.

    You will have to assess, continuously, what is “danger” vs what is “discomfort” and make your decisions from there.

    When you have to interact with the coworker in the other department, be blunt and direct with boundaries. If he stands too close, say loudly “I am uncomfortable, give me more space!” and make eye contact with witnesses. Make him uncomfortable. Start firing warning rounds.

    *Document everything* as soon as possible afterwards. Vent and seek moral support from friends, but stick to the facts with the company.

20. Sandy EarlOctober 2,2023 at 1:32PM UTC

    You should be enlisting your direct supervisor as well as HR; a supervisor’s job is to take care of employees. Start getting comfortable speaking your truth: “Dan behaves differently around me and I’m not comfortable with that” is a good opening, and be prepared to support that with concrete examples. If you haven’t tried telling him exactly what he’s doing that is bothering you that is also an option: “Dan, you are standing too close to me and I don’t like that. Please back up”. If he respects that, you’ll have more power in the situation. If not, you’ll have solid evidence that he’s deliberately being creepy.

21. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 1:41PM UTC

    I worked under contract and I told my direct supervisor and my recruiter. This guy who creeps in on me even wrote me a letter - he wants me to buy gifts, asked my phone number, stalked me several times in the office. I showed the letter to them and he was reprimand ONLY by their HR. About a year later I learned he was terminated because he did this to other women. I think the letter was the essential proof and strengthened my complaint.

22. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 2:01PM UTC

    My experience is that unless you have someone else who would complain, too, it is your word against his word. In a company where I worked one of the managers was hiring only women so he could harass them. He was saying in front of others stuff like "Today you are wearing a very long skirt, I want to be able to see your *** when you bend." The victims of the harassment were not complaining because they feared they would lose their jobs and he was well-respected by the upper management. Luckily, I was in a leadership role, too, so when I heard it I spoke on 1-2-1 with some of his team members who all said that they didn't like it but they needed a job so they would not complain. I knew I had to do something so I brought it to HR and told them transparently what was going on. I tried to give them all the details and as a result, HR interviewed all the girls in his team telling them that other team members had complained. Knowing they are not alone the ladies shared their experiences. If they didn't share, however, it was going to be me who was wrong despite my good intentions. Their complaints were enough for HR to give him the first disciplinary notice, as well as they installed cameras in the area of his team. The second notice was given when someone had told him that I was the one to bring it to HR and he shouted at me and tried to hit me in the face - in the office in front of the cameras. Because in my country they can fire you only after 3 disciplinary notices, he was offered to choose between a significant demotion or a redundancy. He chose the demotion. A couple of months later he was fired as he was underperforming in his new role.

23. Dawn M Rollins-MurrellOctober 2,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

    I wanted to say that I am so proud of you for speaking up about your instincts about this coworker because that takes courage and bravery. Instincts are given to us because they usually tell us what is true before the evidence proves it. Look for evidence and document every little thing he does. Even though you may be scared, just like other commenters have suggested, take back your power and tell him. "You are standing too close to me, please back up." If you see him looking for you, ask him "Why are you looking in my office? Can I help you? Why are you staring at me Bob?" If you get the chance to catch him possibly taking a picture, call him out in a loud voice: "Are you trying to take a picture of me? That is very inappropriate!!! If you have any pictures of me or any other women, you need to delete them out of your phone now before I report you to the police!" Women have an inner warrior in us and it is time for you to unleash yours. Document anytime you see him doing something that is unusual toward you. Ask any witnesses, "Did you see that?" I think Bob was staring at me." Document who saw it in your paperwork as well. The first step towards stopping harassment is to tell them to stop, and I haven't read something saying you have done that yet. You are strong. You are powerful. You are in control and you can stop this. I don't see why you should have to quit a job you enjoy because of some creepy jerk. Send a message that you will not stand for sexual harassment and others will follow. Good Luck and remember you are not alone. You have a community of warriors here rooting for you.

24. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEOctober 2,2023 at 2:34PM UTC

    Good Morning,

    Thank you for sharing. It is unfortunate that this type of behavior still happens in the workplace.

    Having experienced sexual harassment at work -- made me feel unfortable and dirty. Make a list that inlcudes dates, times, and behavior. You will need proof. It often turns into a he said, she said discussion. Getting some counseling might be helpful. The counselor can help you work through passed experienes.

    Most impportantly, tell them that their behavior is unacceptable. You have Rights -- stand strong and have your voice heard. Remeber, you have a lot of women and men supporting you!

25. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 2:52PM UTC

    I sincerely appreciate what you're saying, how it makes you feel, and what may or may not be happening...BUT...once you report this man to HR, his career is ruined. Therefore, I'm not saying that you shouldn't report, but I also am implying that you need to examine very closely. The accuracy of your statements, and also the influence of your past trauma on how you might be interpreting signals.... Sexual harassment is probably one of the most serious allegations in the workplace, and it will ruin overwhelming someone's employability. Instead, have you spoken to this man directly rather than talking about him with others..?? I will be criticized for making these suggestions. But I do think it's very important that you not be consulting with your teammates and creating more office. Suite gossip .. Instead comma speak directly with this gentleman and then keep a strict record of everything that is said and done.. You'll have a much better response from human resources if you bring them facts...

26. Sarah BordersOctober 2,2023 at 3:18PM UTC

    What I don’t think you’re considering here is that OP’s past trauma may be influencing her actions in the sense that she doesn’t feel comfortable or safe addressing her coworker’s behavior with him one-on-one. I also don’t think it necessarily follows that his career will be ruined by OP reporting him to HR. OP clearly is not taking this action lightly, and she is not responsible for the success or failure of his career. Please don’t put that on her!

27. Lorraine HerreraOctober 2,2023 at 6:17PM UTC

    Passed trauma can also make the person be hyper-aware and notice things that others don’t see clear. A few comments here are referring to the trauma as something that makes the person imagine something that isn’t happening, or like someone else said, paranoid. What the trauma does is re-wire the brain to be in alert state and keep the person safe. Yes, unresolved trauma can make a person project the passed situation, but none of us know how much she has processed the trauma, what she is feeling could actually be a an actual unsafe environment that she can identify quickly because of the passed experience. That is why is better to suggest tools that could provide evidence or validate the feeling, if is not a real thread she won’t find those and nothing happens. That is a better approach than just invalidating the feeling as a product of trauma, because that could make her disregard those alerts and possibly stay in an unsafe situation.

28. Paula BrantnerOctober 3,2023 at 3:54PM UTC

    That is true: I always hate to see people advocating for her to confront him one-on-one. First because that gives him time to build up his defenses. Second, it's his job not to harass her, not hers to fight him off. Third, because harassers often identify the most vulnerable individuals, he may have some sense of her trauma history or can understand from how she reacts that she doubts and questions herself, or isn't able to push back the way that some others do.

29. Caroline DuffyOctober 2,2023 at 3:59PM UTC

    You're exaggerating and likely incorrect - his career will not be "ruined", especially if he hasn't actually done anything wrong. The unfortunate reality is that the majority of complaints to HR of this nature do not result in a termination; at most, HR will often lead an investigation into the allegations, and if there's substantial proof of harassment or inappropriate behavior, then they MAY give a warning or take disciplinary action. The outcome will more likely be either a verbal warning or some kind of accommodation to keep interactions between the OP and this man more limited.

    I agree it's always best to try to address concerns like these directly with a coworker first, but if the OP feels too uncomfortable to do so, it is absolutely her right to bring it to HR (and again, I agree that documentation and facts are important parts of doing so). This may not be the first time someone has reported behavior from this man that has made them uncomfortable, and if no one ever says anything, the company can't document it and it'll make it even more likely the behavior will continue unchecked.

    However, trying to scare women into taking responsibility for the inappropriate actions of male coworkers speaks to more internalized issues on your end than what actually happens in most workplaces.

30. Paula BrantnerOctober 3,2023 at 3:51PM UTC

    Since he's been there a long time, I would bet a significant amount that they know about this conduct already. He could be on a last chance agreement and this is what they need. What is more likely is that they've ignored it before so he's doing what he wants feeling safe that they won't do anything this time either.

31. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 4:50PM UTC

    Bad advice here, her concern is for her own safety and she needs to speak up. If he has done nothing wrong then all will be okay. She is speaking to HR to get some protection and a good HR dept will investigate by speaking to others in confidence before taking action. Let's not overinflate anyone wrecking someones career. Sexual predators get away with this because no one speaks up.

32. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    Speak directly..self advocate...document facts, talk to the source, not others. Reflect upon triggers..wise advice

33. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 6:58PM UTC

    Reality check: I’ve seen *one* well-documented, repeat harasser receive: a 1 hr “sensitivity training” as corrective action... It hardly ruined his lunch let alone his career.

    i agree that the OP will have to doubledown and record incidents dispassionately…but please don’t feed into the narrative that these sexual harassment complaints are powerful, effective and used recklessly. Proving “hostile work environment” is actually *really hard*.

34. Cindy GrossOctober 2,2023 at 10:12PM UTC

    1) He is responsible for his own career. 2) It is very rare for sexual harassers, including the one found guilty of harassing me, to suffer any substantial consequences. 3) even your best coworkers will side with the most powerful person - often the harasser or the person who "needs" the harasser to stay in the job to avoid disruptions and all the work of replacing them.

35. AnonymousOctober 3,2023 at 1:10PM UTC

    Yikes to this response. his career is not her problem.

36. ReachingGoalsOctober 2,2023 at 3:20PM UTC

    You can’t complain because he peeks around the corner to see you. However, you can confront him. If he gets too close you tell him to step back and try to put something like a chair or table between the two of you. Firmly and with authority. If he tries to start a conversation, politely tell him that you can’t talk right now. the co-workers who saw the pictures need to report that to HR (and shame on them for not doing so already). What they told you is hearsay and not really admitted. If the tries to start inappropriate conversation, you tell him no, then write down every instance so that when/if you have to go to HR, you have written documentation, with date time and what happened. If it becomes a he says/she says thing, that works out well for no one.

37. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 4:47PM UTC

    When you speak to the HR person be sure to let them know that you are feeling unsafe. Be sure to let them know the conversation with the other person, let them know that your concern as well is that if the person is outed about their behavior that it may increase or cause them to take some direct action toward you. If they do nothing file a formal complaint with the EEOC. Good luck.

38. Sarah PageOctober 2,2023 at 5:19PM UTC

    Never rely on only verbal conversations, send a recap in writing after the meeting! If it isn't in writing, it didn't happen so if they end up showing you the door for poor performance or whatever, you can't prove it was in retaliation. It also helps show that you are both on the same page.

39. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 6:38PM UTC

    What can you actually prove? What you shared here isn't a lot to go on, at all. What is the subject of these awkward conversations? Without a bit more context behind it, I can only assume that perhaps he is an awkward shy individual who has a hard time communicating with members of the opposite sex. And he might have taken a picture of you? But you can't say for sure. Perhaps you weren't even the intended subject of the photo but just happened to be there? I'm sorry if this sounds uncaring or cold, but if you want to take this to HR, you need to have a bit more to take to HR.

40. AnonymousOctober 2,2023 at 6:49PM UTC

    Also, while I think further on this. This really is not fair to you; however, given what info you have shared here and what I've seen (working in HR), this is going to be difficult. One of additional thing I would share is - if you are comfortable in doing so - you may want to share a little bit about your past to help the HR rep understand more fully what your concerns.

41. Cindy GrossOctober 2,2023 at 10:23PM UTC

    Don't go in and say "he harassed me." Instead, say, "I've experienced these things, and I need your help to figure out next steps." This keeps it in a risk management perspective where they will be incentivized to deal with it, instead of going into defensive mode to reduce the chance of lawsuits from either one of you (it's unlikely you would receive enough of a payout to be worth suing for so don't count on that).

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42. Michelle Van Sickle GarrisOctober 3,2023 at 1:27PM UTC

    The first thing the HR will ask is if you talk to him and ask him to stop behaving this way. Secondly speak with his boss. Then HR. Documentation dates and time of events. Good luck

43. AnneOctober 3,2023 at 2:00PM UTC

    Is there an ombuds office at your organization where you can get unbiased advice about this? When you go to HR they are mandated to report certain things, open cases in some instances and maintain records. An ombuds can help you to best understand your options. If your organization does not have this option, I would invite you to reach out to the free hotline at the Society for Human Resource Management and ask them for advice and consideration. This is a bigger issue than what steps to take but more about the pervasive culture in your org that is allowing this to happen and making it unclear what steps you are meant to take. If you felt enough safety, support and trust to talk to this person directly, I imagine you would. However, the org has not put this in place so this larger shift needs to happen. Happy to speak with you about this further if helpful. And I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Everyone deserves to feel safe at work and it’s made that much worse because you love your job.

44. Paula BrantnerOctober 3,2023 at 3:49PM UTC

    I would start by asking HR about the reporting process for sexual harassment and similar conduct. Is there a policy which has a reporting process in place? By framing it as "you're not going to tell them the details until you know how to do that safely," you are putting the onus on them to ensure it's safe to report without retaliation.

    Then, I would have the male team worker put something in writing about what he saw, since sadly sometimes HR will not believe only one person telling the story of their experience, and will believe his denials because it's more convenient or because he's a long term employee. However, if he's a long time employee, there's a good chance he's behaved this way with someone else, but if he's still there, you will want to assess whether they've been down this road before with him.

    Are there any other coworkers who are around when he interacts with you? Are you aware of any other women who he may have targeted? If he has been there forever, I can *guarantee* that there have been others with whom he has behaved this way.

    With those things in place, then and only then would I talk to HR about the full experience. Their response to this will indicate whether they know this person is a problem and are looking for the last straw, or whether they will defend him to the death. Do they care most about liability, and only take action when his actions cross a clear line? Or do they care about prevention and employee well-being, and will take action even if it's not yet "severe or pervasive," (the applicable legal standard.) Your strategy is different, depending on that response.

45. AnonymousOctober 5,2023 at 3:25AM UTC

    I am really sorry to hear this is happening to you. I was harassed earlier in my career and that was years ago. Sad to see this is still happening.

    There's lots of great advice on how to approach HR here. I have a completely different recommendation - get yourself some pepper spray and carry it with you when you're leaving work. It's legal in all states but check local regulations are there are rules in some places about formulation, etc.

    The time is going to be changing soon and it's going to be getting dark earlier - protect yourself.