Need Help Bouncing Back

Anonymous

July 25,2023 at 2:49AM UTC

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Need Help Bouncing Back

Hi everyone. I am in a leadership role at a company with multiple divisions. Recently, I was asked to join a large committee that would make a hiring decision. I have sat on committees in the past, and I have hired and trained multiple employees before, but this role was on a larger scale. I was already juggling a lot, but I rearranged my schedule to squeeze it in. I’ll mention that I have already been feeling some anxiety lately about my workload. When it came to these committee meetings, I feel like I spoke too much, struggled to articulate my thoughts, and wasn’t concise. I kind of floundered. After one of the last meetings, another panel member, who was a past mentor, remarked thoughtfully albeit not unkindly that maybe introverts shouldn’t sit on these kind of committees, and I was taken aback. I have tried practicing self-compassion, focusing on next steps, and thinking about how I can adapt in the future. I’ll have to interact with or see at least a few of these people in the future, although not in my unit. I’m a perfectionist and high achiever. I realize we all have strengths and areas for improvement. At the same time, I can’t help but notice that similar behaviour from a man on the committee was accepted. Ultimately, I’m trying to reflect on this as a learning opportunity (be on more or fewer of these types of committees?) and opportunity to be receptive to feedback. I feel like I’m great at my job, so this threw me off a bit. The comment from that colleague stung, and I’m struggling to bounce back from this. Any advice?

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AnonymousJuly 25,2023 at 4:38AM UTC
Often we are our harshest critiques and we didn’t do as badly as we think. As long as you tried your best, that is always good enough—even if it wasn’t perfect. That’s just simply a learning experience for next time. I wouldn’t take the insensitive remark personally. Peoples opinions, are just opinions. Who cares what they think. To me it sounds like you probably need a break. Normally when I ramble in meetings and/or flounder it’s because I’m exhausted. As a high achiever I assume you probably are too. Take a long weekend or a few days off if you can, I promise you will feel much better after.
AnonymousJuly 25,2023 at 7:06AM UTC
It appears that you have analyzed this from every angle.
Women are so hard on ourselves, we don't need that stinging remark, although likely unintended. I am so similar in that respect. I am uncomfortable talking in groups. It doesn't bring out the best in me. But something about it was appealing to you. Is it possible your colleague was empathizing with how he thought you felt, rather than critiquing your contributions? Nothing catastrophic happened right? So you didn't feel you articulated or expressed your thoughts well, but why would anyone judge you for that? You have a great reputation at your company and you are allowed an off day or two. Who among us has not experienced that? Obviously I was not there, but I have had that feeling after meetings. Be yourself, but people like confidence. Don't let people see you sweat. I hate saying that, but from what I have learned I have hurt myself professionally hanging on to these vulnerable feelings. You're good at your job and you've got this.
AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 12:21PM UTC
The comment was unnecessary but also probably not meant as harshly as it was received. We don't always do well, not everyone likes or agrees with us in every situation and we have to be resilient and move forward.
Work on the areas that need work so that this mentor sees improvement next time but letting the comment fester isn't good for you or productive in any way.
Refilwe RapotuJuly 27,2023 at 12:25PM UTC
Hi :)
Firstly, the fact that someone noticed your strengths to a point of asking you to sit on the committee means they recognized that what you bring on the table is valuable. So kudos to you for that!
Secondly, I would take the comment that your mentor said and accept it in a professional way - meaning, request a follow up session so perhaps she can detail why she felt that way, and how you can improve on how you articulate yourself.
Thirdly, as someone that also struggles with speaking when i am put under pressure/ uncomfortable (although I am good at public speaking), it would help to understand the agenda of these sessions beforehand and have notes handy. What i do alot is I write down my thoughts during meetings or even interviews, so when I need to speak, I have noted down key things I can speak on - like keycards.
Don't badger yourself too much, you would be surprised at just how many people struggle to articulate themselves - even those that sound like they speak so well. So don't take it personally.
Lisa McCartneyJuly 27,2023 at 12:43PM UTC
I know this is off the topic of everyone else, but just as valuable: you don't want JUST extroverts on committees. There needs to be balance and different perspectives. Go to that mentor and explain if you feel the need, and maybe they were having an off day too.
Cyndy TrivellaJuly 27,2023 at 12:48PM UTC
Well, first, the person who spoke out of turn about introverts needs to use a filter when selecting his/her words; that was inappropriate and unnecessary. Further, if you really think about it, comments of this nature are words used by people who do not embrace diversity and understand it takes people with diverse thinking to work in a company.
Second, if you feel out of your element and believe this committee is not a good situation for you, you should gracefully remove yourself. This said, if your preference is to remain a member, there are things you can do to better prepare. Before you enter the room, embrace the fact that you may not need the energy of other people in the room to be a productive contributor. Once in the room, lean into your listening skills and use them to your advantage. You will likely pick up on things others won’t. And, appreciate that you don’t need to be the most talkative person in the room to be taken seriously. Hope these tips help. I wish you the best.
GirlBossanova934974July 27,2023 at 12:51PM UTC
Having run such committees like this, I think you are vastly overthinking this whole deal. The so called committee suffers from a lack of leadership. It's a glorified food fight and a shouting match. I took over an organization like this back in 2009. I had a whole bunch of shouting types and put a stop to it right away. Anyone who spoke out of turn was told to stop by yours truly. No more shouting matches. We have an agenda and we stay on track. No side bars. Eventually, I lost half the committee as they resigned. Good riddance to them. When I turned the entire organization around 2 years later, they all wanted back! A big wad of cash in the bank does that. As for this perfectionist stuff, I would try to leave that behind. Sometimes, things get messy. The key in my mind after several decades in the workforce is to FOCUS on winning vs. playing NOT to lose. There is a big difference.
AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 1:45PM UTC
exactly ...all o this.
AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 1:23PM UTC
So typical of American thinking that introverts are some type of illness. Never fails to amaze me. Since when was being an “introvert” a social ill and deficit? And who subscribes to such out of date of trope of introvert/extrovert? It’s a false social construct to begin with and this person was your mentor?
I would lose all respect if I were you and wouldn’t even take it personally
smh
AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 1:44PM UTC
ok. I've read your description a couple times..to get the vibe regarding what happened, etc.... What smacks me- immediately- is that you are struggling, and highly anxious, with your own demeanor in this group context, and how you "performed" on the spot during meeting/discussion...and underneath it all, you are super concerned with what others think about you--yes, you DO expect much from yourself. And yes or no...maybe another gentleman in the same group didn't receive --- -- the same comments/critique...but does that really matter? How do you know this??Are you going to argue with someone about that? Nope...so, like I tell others...Be like a race horse, and be excellent in your own lane. Mentors are nice, but keep your eye on your own goals... By the way, Excellence doesn't mean being "perfect"...Excellence means being comfortable in your own skin, in who you are and the unique talents/skills and energy and imperfections that you bring. Underneath all of this, I sense that you're really struggling with confidence in yourself, and that's what you need to look at....perhaps you ARE overcommitted, which is also causing you to react strongly to this perceived negative experience and your peers comments... think about it. YOu are ruminating too much on this...and rumination can be a sign of depression/anxiety/high stress and losing perspective. And burnout
Celena BartonJuly 27,2023 at 2:52PM UTC
I think your past mentor was trying to be helpful but labeling you as an introvert was a poor move on her part.
AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 3:33PM UTC
Often, we are way harder on ourselves than others would be. Maybe you prefer to consider what and how you speak and this one time you didn’t think it went so well but I bet the other people at the meeting didn’t see it the way that mentor did. If you all were brainstorming then expressing ideas, even if only partially thought out, would be a good thing to do. Ditto on the idea there is nothing wrong with introverts, even in speaking roles. There is a difference between acting like an introvert and being quiet and there is nothing wrong with either. But you sound like the kind of employee that the company should work hard to keep!
AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 5:17PM UTC
Definitely, pull this person aside let them know that their comment was directed toward you in an unkind way and that others who are similarly wired did not get the same treatment. Remind them that as a leader discretion and tact is paramount in their role and that you expect the same diplomacy and courtesy when interacting with you as you do with them. Be firm but not agnry when you share this and then follow it up with an email to say the same as a reminder of the situation and that it is not acceptable. Then move on and go back to your previous ways with them. This should solve it and also let them know, never again. You have to stand up for yourself and if your style is introverted so be it! If you were too outspoken or verbose or opinionated I am sure he would have called you a bitch. Men often need to learn how to speak to women in business because they are so naive and just don't know how to.
AnonymousJuly 28,2023 at 6:44PM UTC
This