This colleague rips apart everything I do, and I'm tired of it.

31 Comments

1. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 3:42AM UTC

   You want to appear professional and superior in knowledge and behavior?
   Don't join in the dialog. It places you on her level.

   To standout as stellar you stand down. Not a word. Just smile if anyone else points out the obvious.

   Never give anyone a reason to lump you into the same category as "they have issues".

   Let your work and professionalism speak for themselves. No reason to defend yourself if none of what she says is the truth and constructive criticism. Why would you??

   I follow great leaders' behavior. The ones with such elegance and grace, sense of self and purpose you can't help but notice them. They never lower themselves to throw down with someone beneath them. They don't waste their time or energy.

   If you can't work like this anymore, then don't. See yourself as different. Behave differently and take yourself out of the arena. She can't stress you out if you don't allow her to push your buttons. You place yourself out of reach by behaving out of reach. No reaction is a reaction.

2. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 4:39AM UTC

   Exactly. This woman wants attention. Like a 2 year old, they do whatever is necessary.

   Let your work and supporters speak for you. This woman wants a reaction; don't give it to her- no matter how much it's deserved. If you transfer, you'll probably have different people with the same issues.

3. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 1:32PM UTC

   FACTS??…I couldn’t agree more!
   If you’ve never done this before, it gets easier with confidence and consistency. Know your worth and
   always go high when others go low.

4. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 4:15AM UTC

   Does this person usually keep the criticism between you and her or is it always so public? How often is she (at least partially) correct about problems with your work? If it's clear that there is never any validity to public reprimands, then you can be sure that leadership knows and isn't doing anything because of "reasons". If it's usually more private and/or there's some validity to her complaints, it gets trickier and they might not realize she's harassing you to that level.

   Since you mentioned the possibility of transfer, it sounds like you're in a decent-sized company. Check into whether you have access to an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). While I do have people at work I have trusted to ask for guidance in similar situations, the response is likely to be specific to your company or manager. A local EAP rep would have a better idea of company norms.

5. Heather (she/her)December 20,2023 at 7:58AM UTC

   I find honesty to generally be the best policy, but make sure you're clear on what's honest (definitively true and accurate) versus what's an emotional response.

6. yvette finley PHRDecember 20,2023 at 1:12PM UTC

   How about collaborating with her since she seems to have a lot to contribute? She could attack her own contributions, decline with an awareness that she was offered an opportunity to participate or join in and become a resource. She isn’t causing you stress-the way you are responding to her actions is.

7. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 1:51PM UTC

   What are my thoughts? I think it puts you in the role of defender and maybe even part of the problem. You'll be seen as engaged in drama and a she said, she said.

8. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 2:01AM UTC

   Disagree with this. Of this person is known to tear things down, the author is showing his view.

9. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdDecember 20,2023 at 2:04PM UTC

   I'm sorry you're having this happen. I always feel that someone who does this has insecurities. She's building herself up by tearing others down.

   If you feel you need to say something, do so. But - bring receipts. For example, it sounds like she emailed you the other day and copied management. Bring things like this to your conversation.

   No one has a right to invalidate what you're feeling. If you're stressed and believe another position is better for you, take it

   All the best...

10. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

    Thank you for all of the feedback. I know I have a lot to think about. I also know I am her easiest target. It's a male-dominated group, and she can't bully up (where the men are) so she bullies down (where I am). I've seen this show more than once. I've been in this position before, too. I did all of the above, handle myself with grace, and I still ended up finding a new job.

    She's already known as someone who likes to tear things down and make things hard for the team. She'll make a stink over something as simple as the color of a PPT slide and make it late because she wants it green, not blue. And there's absolutely no reason to do this. But leadership is scared of her, so no one ever says, enough is enough, this is done.

11. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 3:11PM UTC

    You need to speak up AND ask for a transfer. She isn't going to change

12. AnonymousDecember 20,2023 at 5:50PM UTC

    I would not tell them the issue, I would show them documentation of the types of things this person is saying. Ask them for their thoughts about her responses to you work and ask if they thought you should transfer, file a complaint with HR or for another solution to the situation. You do not know how they feel about the person and showing rather than telling will help your situation more.

13. AnonymousDecember 21,2023 at 5:24AM UTC

    It’s unclear from your letter whether you have a reporting relationship with your unsupportive colleague.

    If you are required to report to this woman, can you establish a more congenial relationship with her or (see my comments below) request a transfer?

    If you do not report to this woman, why is she interfering with your work? I’m glad that you stood your ground with her recently and suggest that you limit your contact with her, find work-arounds for her interference and generally ignore her while remaining civil. If you need to clarify procedures and reporting relationships vis a vis this person, check with your manager/s, but it sounds like distancing yourself and politely holding your ground are excellent strategies.

    I wouldn’t drag your colleague into your problems with your co-worker. If you need to discuss these issues with your boss, it would be nice if you could approach this person directly.

    If you want a transfer, frame it in the context of maximizing your value to the company. You’ll get further if you show your company why the transfer would improve business outcomes, rather than focusing on your need to escape from an unsupportive colleague.

14. GirlBossanova934974December 21,2023 at 1:48PM UTC

    2 Things come right to mind. 1) Why is this person commenting on your work? 2) The use of CC'ing everyone in management on an email shows a VERY immature employee who needs to be sat down and spoken to by her manager. I would go straight to my manager and tell him or her that they need to speak to the other person's manager and tell them how this CC stuff has to end. No manager has time to deal with this childish behavior. As for Powerpoint slides and the lot, some people just love to obsess about this level of detail. As a business owner, I find this with employees who don't have work to take up their time. I QUICKLY find EXTRA WORK for them to do to prevent this nonsense. I make my point very quickly.

15. Angel MartinezDecember 21,2023 at 7:13PM UTC

    Sorry, you’re going through this. You are absolutely right; she is doing it on purpose (consciously or unconsciously). I saw in the other reply that you did start the vacating process, and it's good for you.

    She obviously already has a reputation, and truth be told, she may be jealous of you as suspected. The question is, why? It’s evident that it isn't simply because of you, but do take caution; Misery loves company.

16. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 1:59AM UTC

    Get out asap! Was in that situation; and I am so much more content in a different environment. Less money; but it doesn’t buy happiness!! I read through the comments; a person like that is insecure. If management is afraid of her; certainly get out!

17. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 5:35AM UTC

    I don't follow. How is telling your colleague your struggles and that you want a transfer going to change your situation? Do they have a job for you and the ability to transfer you? Will you be expecting this colleague to do your bidding with your boss. I'm sorry I don't understand what your trying to do. Can you explain why you wouldn't handle this directly with your boss?

18. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 1:14PM UTC

    I have one who does the same. It's insecurity. This person sees you as competition, otherwise they wouldn't bother analyzing what you do so much.

    You should 1st try to talk to that person directly. Document, document, document.

19. Bradford McCormickDecember 22,2023 at 1:30PM UTC

    Is it worth you staying there? If not, who caraes?

    If yes, get a little notebook that's small enough to carry with you all the time. And start documenting each and every thing she does that is not constructve for the comany, with timestamps. And let me emphasize that: We do not care about how she is affecting you "personally" (e.g., your "feelings"); you only care about the reason we are all there: for the good of the company.

    After a litttle while confront her with your documentation list and that we are all there to promote the good of the company and none of this that she is doig is helping. Who knows, maybe she will shape up or at least shut up. if not, start up the management chain, starting with your immediate manager, with your little notebook.

20. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 2:09PM UTC

    You are probably somehow causing a perceived threat to her own sense of superiority and rightness. I had a similar situation with a coworker and I noticed that not only was she nitpicky but she also threw around her advanced degree ALL THE TIME. It was as annoying as all heck. I actually have the same advanced degree and so does everyone in the office, btw, so I am not sure what she was trying to prove. At the time, I tried two things. The first was to minimize my reaction and give her back zero emotion. So, when she nitpicked, I simply said, "Thank you" and nothing else and most certainly not an excuse. When that didn't work, someone suggested that I try to learn more about her and disarm her by allowing her to feel superior around me because really it didn't matter. But hat also did not work. But what I learned from that was that somehow I WAS a threat to her. I just couldn't fix it. I ended up simply asking to move to another project and in a very non-emotional way explained that it wasn't the best work environment for me. I made it all an "I" statement. That worked and now I see her a lot less. So, good luck!

21. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 4:08PM UTC

    This seems a good approach even though it isn't fair or right. What I have learned is that getting involved in an argument with a bully or underhanded colleague who feels threatened by your presence never comes across well. It is so unfair but it is true. People seen as leaders don't engage with petty, nasty people.

22. Marcia SmithDecember 22,2023 at 2:43PM UTC

    I would avoid discussing this with colleagues - and only talk to your direct supervisor if you REALLY feel that they would support you - often they don't want to get involved - or won't get involved - in struggles like this

23. robin aka georgiawebgurlDecember 22,2023 at 5:06PM UTC

    I agree - upper management likely knows this person is "difficult" and they either aren't doing enough about it OR they want this person to continue to behave that way.

24. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 6:39PM UTC

    To every response that says you are threatening --> YUP that is what this is and women are the WORST about this, in my experience.

    • Going to HR will likely do nothing, except label you as difficult. Is that fair? Probably not, but that was my experience. HR is there to protect the institution, not you - regardless of what they say. Unless this person crosses the line of illegal AND you have CLEAR documentation, your chances of getting any accountability are unlikely. I truly believe that in large organizations, HR only helps in cases where there are legal grounds or evidence, because dealing with the protects the institution.
    • Going to your supervisor (or higher) UNLESS they are VERY supportive of you AND willing to go to bat for you with administration will not help either. If your boss will advocate for you, you may have a chance there, but I'm doubtful. It is more likely just to make this all worse because you'll be seen as the problem.
    • The hard reality is that often administration and HR KNOWS. This person likely has engaged in the same behavior with others. So, admin has either ignored the problem, tried to address it and failed, or encourages the behavior.

    I have had several colleagues and a supervisor like this and I have NEVER be able to resolve it without leaving the position or reducing time with those people.

    This is a power ploy to punish you and show that you aren't that great (which means the person does think you are great and is doing what they can to tear you down). If they do this in front of other people, that is even MORE evidence that is retribution.

    I've tried "grey rocking" or saying "I'll think about that - thanks" or whatever. It doesn't work because it isn't about a specific report or task you did - it is about you threatening their competence, their time at the institution .. whatever.

    I even tried flattery, always praising them in public spaces.

    None of it matters, because the perception of a threat is their minds!

    Flattering them or asking to be mentored (ugh) by them MIGHT change the dynamic a bit but then you are under their thumb and control which is a win for them.

    I'm sorry - it sucks. I feel like this is a no-win situation. If you fight back, you look like a problem. If you talk to HR, you look like a problem. If you allow them to control you by mentoring you, you may diffuse the situation by giving them more power (and specifically over you), but then your work life will likely be miserable.

    I would carefully evaluate how much I like this job excluding this one person. If it is worth the fight, give that a try, but be realistic that it may not work or make things worse.

    I spent 5 years trying to resolve this with a supervisor, only to be told recently (after being gone for several years), that my former supervisor was jealous, because you are beautiful and charming and your staff loved you.

    I don't even think the first 2 of those are particularly accurate, but my staff DID LIKE me. Some of them came to me from my former supervisor.. and THEY nominated me for supervisor of the year several times, including my FIRST year there. So, yeah, she was threatened -- not that I could see that at the time.

    It kind of breaks my heart to think anyone would be threatened by me. I work hard and I want to be supportive of others. I don't tear anyone down...but now that I can see that, I understand that my hard work and even being supportive of other women, doesn't sit well.

    I will also add that when I left this institution, I landed in a fantastic team of rockstar women of all different backgrounds. That is part of what has helped me see how messed up the early part of my career was and how unsupportive and frankly, sabotaging some of my colleagues were.

    If you have never been in an environment where women truly support and help elevate each other, it is harder to see how dysfunctional some organizations are.

    Good luck.

25. AnonymousDecember 22,2023 at 11:36PM UTC

    OP here. Thank you for your response. I was in a situation similar to yours a few years ago, but the difficult colleague was my boss at the time. It was a horror show for me. I wasn't a supervisor, but what you described sounds so familiar. I did go to HR because I had been told by a few colleagues that the manager was a kind person and sympathetic. Unfortunately, I found her to be everything but and oh boy, did she turn on me. I quickly figured out that my boss (yet another toxic female supervisor who turned on "threatening" female subordinates) was also management's dariling with deep connections. Before I knew it, I was cut out of meetings, told I couldn't attend conferences, and given demeaning work while her favorites were given the best assignments on the sly, even during the pandemic when a lot of travel was forbidden. Somehow, her favorites got to travel. And forget team meetings. All of my meetings with her had to be one on one. There was no longer a "team" I could have access to without her blessing.

    So with this new colleague, the only upside is that I'll most likely have an opportunity to transfer in a few months, but I hate having to give up a good assignment and working for a team I really like (but isn't going to stick their necks out for me because they are intimidated by her).

    I do think I could get some support from above, but it still may just amount to an offer to be moved if it gets to be too much. It was very upsetting to have to leave my previous job just to get away from a bad boss, because all I did was take a lifeboat position I didn't really even want.

26. AnonymousDecember 23,2023 at 3:27PM UTC

    I don’t know. I have a role where I am the senior person in my department and certainly have the most experience and knowledge. Many find that intimidating. I do point out errors as our clients pay good money for our services (legal) and accuracy is paramount. I try to do this kindly, matter of fact, and willingly and recognize that some are still learning (in legal we are always learning) and often have to fix problems myself. What you describe as nitpicking might be crucial to meeting a client’s needs and comply with regulations in the legal field and I am sure in other fields. When a letter or document is prepared and sent out and is riddled with spelling and grammar errors not only is it embarrassing to the company, it could actually have serious legal ramifications. Perhaps it is you that is insecure and not willing to learn and progress. Two sides to every story.

27. AnonymousDecember 23,2023 at 7:51PM UTC

    Why would you not speak directly with your boss? If this problem is as bad as you say it is and you take it to your boss and then your boss doesn’t deal with it, then your boss is the real problem, not your coworker.

28. AnonymousDecember 26,2023 at 7:30PM UTC

    Yes, to expect your coworker to advocate on your behalf is really unprofessional. You need to address this on your own.

29. AnonymousDecember 25,2023 at 10:54PM UTC

    I had a ex colleague like this, her detail-orientation was so excessive it was dumb or pathological (like an OCD), her intolerance to different point of views was unprofessional, instead of addressing her insecurities with the help of a mental-health professional, she would lash out on the most patient colleagues (never above her in the hierarchy, though!).

    HR knew. Everybody knew. Her absurd zeal is probably seen as a form of loyal dedication while inspiring a mix of pity and contempt to managers, nothing threatening, she's bound to endless stagnation in her position with her attitude.

    She's been the final kick for me to find better job, salary and work environment. I almost could thank her now.

    I wish you to find the motivation to elevate yourself!

30. Rebecca DeLaneyDecember 27,2023 at 4:18PM UTC

    It seems that there is always someone like this at every company.

31. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEDecember 30,2023 at 12:37AM UTC

    With over 30 years of experience in the business world, I feel your pain. She is baiting you -- do not take the bait. She is not worth it. This is difficult, I know. because I have stepped on my share of political grenades.

    I felt so betrayed when my coworkers dd this. Looking back, they were not worth getting upset over. In addition, be careful who you share this with -- once you put it out there you cannot take it back.

    The problem belongs to your coworker -- do not own it.