What would you do if you were me?

Anonymous

December 13,2023 at 3:37PM UTC

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What would you do if you were me? I left my previous employer after years of bullying, victim-blaming and gaslighting that went unchecked even when reported. I came to a new team of individuals who work remotely across the US.

At first, everything was great, my days are relatively quiet and I don't have the same issues noted above going on so mentally I am in a much better place.

However, as more time goes on, I'm feeling like I'm on an island on my own. We do not function as a team, more like individuals who report to the same person. We don't have regular meetings and when we do meet as a team there isn't really much team building just compliance or training tasks.

I've been really frustrated by our dynamics...

Example, when I started I was given everyone's roles and responsibilities. I got tasks ABC and my coworker got tasks EFG, etc. I got a request for task G, and cc'd my coworker and boss with a "adding so and so here to advise and assist" I get crickets...I sent follow up after follow up but no reply from anyone. Then, my boss asks me to handle the task without explaining why my coworker cannot assist.

Another example, we have group projects we are assigned, we discuss as a group and are asked to make the task happen as a group. However, when I reach out to my coworkers to collaborate, I get yet again crickets...I even offer to coordinate but the offers are left unresponded. On the one instance we did collaborate, they took no takeaways, didn't offer any insights and in a nutshell used verbiage like "you could" or "you should" or "you will need too...".

Last example, we are in meetings with our customers, I am providing my knowledge and expertise on how best approach senarios but my coworkers are....one more time...crickets...Even when called on directly...

I think it's ridiculous and want to speak up but I have some PTSD from my last experience where I will be victim-blamed. Or am I being too petty??

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AnonymousDecember 13,2023 at 5:28PM UTC
You definitely have some PTSD but I also think you have put yourself or the company culture has - into another work style that simply does not work for you. You cannot have it both ways. Define what works for you and write down what you need from a team setting then go look for a company that lives that mantra. This one clearly does not or does not reward people for participation and collaboration. It is siloed. In groups yes there will be disagreements but as long as there is a safe space for non-alignment that is a better place for you to be. The only other alternative is put your head down just do the work and don't think about what others cannot give you because they just don't work similarly to you. That probably won't be the solution here but do think about what YOU need and not what they cannot give. You're not a victim unless you choose to be one and IMHO you just need to decide how to work with those who don't care as much as you do.
AnonymousDecember 13,2023 at 5:30PM UTC
I am sorry to hear you are experiencing this in your workplace.
What you describe above seems to be the norm in many workplaces now a days. Here are a few suggestions on how you might approach this.
First, the problem with the team dynamics lies solely on the leader. It sounds as if there has been no teambuilding of any sort to help the team bond with one another. In order for the team to function well, individuals have to have some connection with each other and that comes from activities that build upon a team environment.
If your questions are met with crickets, that may be a sign your peers have history in they feel unsupported by a leader and that when they give advice or feedback, it is not validated or acted upon. It could be rivalry with the new kid on the block but unlikely.
You may want to try meeting with the leader and suggesting some team building activities that can be done with a remote staff. I might also recommend you reaching out to each of your peers and just checking in to see how they are doing in order to build relationships with them.
I feel your pain, in that one of my roles I came into a team that was very competitive and did not like the new team members that came on. it took a good year for me to really build rapport with them and earn trust. Our manager was a self-absorbed toad who thought a reward for good work was a gift bag of candy! She never encouraged us to bond and share information to help each other. Thankfully she left after two years and our team really thrived under our new leader.
Hang in there!
AnonymousDecember 13,2023 at 5:33PM UTC
If I were you and it sounds like you're unhappy with the job, I would start searching for another one. In the meantime you can reach out in regards to the issues that you're having and if you have a good boss then they would address it accordingly. But to me it sounds like your boss just delegates tasks to get things done rather than bringing the team together and do team building.
Jonna Ferguson, ACCDecember 15,2023 at 5:02PM UTC
Working remotely, getting to know your team members and building a strong culture, takes effort. I agree a leader sets the tone, but if you were my employee, I'd appreciate your initiative and "extreme ownership" in wanting to get involved and in building relationships!
Since you seem to be a "doer" and collaborator, continue to "bring it" to show your value and positive mindset. As long as you're helping your team and company reach their goals and aren't ruffling feathers in your approach, you'll help everyone be successful. Teams who know each other on a personal level have more Trust over time. Maybe you could share some facts with your leader about the positive outcome of teams who've built this trust. People at high-trust companies report:
74% less stress
106% more energy at work
50% higher productivity
13% fewer sick days
40% less burnout
76% more engagement
29% more satisfaction with their lives
Maybe start small by asking if at the beginning of your staff meetings, you could do a short ice-breaker to get to know each other. I know, it's a bit squishy, especially if your team doesn't do it today, but choose one that's right for your group. Here are some ideas: http://pbynd.co/5xasn
Good luck, and DM me if you'd like to chat more.