Can I change how my admin relates to me and communicates?

14 Comments

1. Barbara Brown NilesNovember 10,2023 at 3:47AM UTC

   Have coffee with her and talk to her about how you two can work best together. Get her to open up. Sounds like she is really trying to please you. If you can get to an open, honest dialog hopefully that will fix the situation. Good luck

2. AnonymousNovember 10,2023 at 2:14PM UTC

   This relationship is new, so for now just write it off as a conscientious person wanting to please the new boss. There may be baggage from the old boss, too. She is a service provider and you are the customer. She doesn't yet know what her customer wants or needs so be sure to communicate those things. Also, she probably doesn't have enough to do, as you are still getting your sea legs. Delegate as much as you can to her, and give it more time.

3. Cheryl MagenNovember 13,2023 at 6:10PM UTC

   I agree that if you can delegate some projects and/or tasks that are "her responsibilities" she might be able to more calmly support "the work" rather than "your work". If she sees that it can be collaborative, that will help. Yes, there might be times that you will need to ask for some coffee, but then, that won't be as servitude.

4. AnonymousNovember 10,2023 at 5:40PM UTC

   Seems to me that your admin was required to dance attendance on an a demanding and unsupportive boss, which likely aggravated your admin’s anxieties.

   Treat this anxious, over-eager admin gently. Emphasize her good points, address her in a calm, supportive way and endeavor to create a safe environment.

5. AnonymousNovember 11,2023 at 1:35PM UTC

   I'm guessing your predecessor asked her to get coffee, schedule his haircut appointments and run personal errands as well. For now, take it as a blessing that she is so dedicated and hard working instead of having the opposite issue with someone who is lazy, unprofessional and unenthusiastic. Sit down with her and praise her for her enthusiasm and dedication while explaining what you need from her to work well and that you don't need her to pick up your dry cleaning or carry your briefcase.

6. Alexis GladstoneNovember 11,2023 at 2:28PM UTC

   It sounds like it could be a few things (or combination). Previous manager's styles may have been demanding or caused her stress with how they interacted and communicated. It also could be she's anxious to do a good job so that her job is secure. You mentioned you are both in your late 50's so she's doing what she can to keep her job.

   However, you'll never know until you have conversations. I would schedule time to get to know her and talk about each of your styles and needs. Ask a lot of open ended questions and be patient with her rambling answers. Give her reinforcing feedback whenever you can.

   However you approach it, be kind and gentle. She sounds like for whatever the reason, she's a bit fragile in her confidence.

7. AnonymousNovember 11,2023 at 5:33PM UTC

   Maybe start each week with a Monday morning meeting going over your schedule for the week. During the first one, go over what you expect from her. Tell her she is doing a good job and that you are a laid back sort of person. Perhaps when you go to get coffee you ask her if she wants anything to drink to show her it is not required from her. We have a nervous type admin where I work and it does cause some uneasiness when wanting to ask for something but over time you will get to know each other better.

8. AnonymousNovember 11,2023 at 8:02PM UTC

   I think if you sit down with her and tell her exactly what you need and how you like to work, she can adjust accordingly. When she sees you're not going to freak out over every little thing, she will likely calm down.

9. AnonymousNovember 12,2023 at 1:52PM UTC

   Sounds like prior boss created a toxic work environment. I think sting down with her and letting her know you are not that type of manager, etc. It will take a little bit of time for her to adjust, but I think you are exactly whst she needs. Kudos to you :)

10. AnonymousNovember 12,2023 at 5:21PM UTC

    Absolutely, take her to lunch let her know how you work and that she has the freedom and safety to be herself around you. Let her know that as your assistant you want her career to matter too, so she should feel comfortable telling you what she needs without fear or retribution and that your goal is that you support each other as a team. Tell her she is valued (especially when she needs to hear this) and encourage her to think for herself. Let her know she can give you feedback and you will always honestly give her the same when it is warranted. Set the stage for collaboration vs indentured servitude, and don't mention your predecessor because you need to carve out your own relationship with her.

11. Liz MilneNovember 14,2023 at 3:34AM UTC

    It sounds like she's worried about offending you - maybe her predecessor was a bit of an arse (letting her carry her bags/ fetch coffee etc) - maybe take her out to lunch and have an informal chat, asking her about what things were like before and then resetting expectations? Once the admin realises you're chilled and easy to talk to, she might relax into the job a bit better?

12. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 6:10PM UTC

    As an admin who has a new boss, I am interested in helping and preventing a repeat situation. We can be hypersensitive when we are treated badly. It takes some time to adjust as I am doing now. It just takes some time and may be a good idea to set up some ground rules and expectations.

13. Liz MilneNovember 15,2023 at 10:55PM UTC

    100% It's so hard when your entire life (moneywise, anyway!) depends on the whims of someone as capricious as OP's predecessor seems to have been. Hopefully OP can establish a good rapport with her admin - and good luck to you too! xx

14. AMBAR PICONNovember 17,2023 at 11:01PM UTC

    Agree that a casual lunch would be a great setting. I would even consider making this a monthly or quarterly event to create a safe space to provide each other feedback. In the short term, start with some professional get to know questions. Like, how do you like to receive feedback? How do you prefer to communicate? What do you enjoy about your role? What do you least dislike about your role? Any difficult situations in the past (no names mentioned). Both parties should answer the same. IMO, this should provide a framework to how you approach and work with each other.

    For your future recurring meetings, I would create a bit of a template so both parties have expectations. For example, what has been great, what needs work, any challenges, over the past x period? Then instead of making it personal or point fingers, use the 5 Why's approach to address any friction points.

    Of course, make sure to also keep it casual. To that end, make sure to ask warming questions and shares from your end, like how was your weekend or plans for the weekend? How's so and so doing? Big life events coming up, etc.

    Overtime, this should become more natural and fruitful for both parties.