Employees who constantly complain

47 Comments

1. AnonymousNovember 27,2023 at 11:35PM UTC

   I call them Eeyores, and it is best to steer clear of them. I try to be an upbeat positive person most of the time. Do I have times where I want to bitch about something that happened at work? Of course! I have a couple closer people at work I do that with. But, we also share in each other's wins as well. There are always going to be those people who bitch to anyone and everyone that will listen to them, even if for a second. I try to have very brief conversations with them, when I have to speak with them at all. They honestly suck the life right out of me! I tried when I was younger to befriend people like this to put a positive spin in their life. They don't get positive, but they do pull me down with them. Just stay as far away as you can!

2. AyianDecember 1,2023 at 1:56PM UTC

   This sounds like toxic positivity. Consider having a quick read about it and see if it resonates with you.

3. AnonymousNovember 28,2023 at 12:28AM UTC

   You have to set your boundaries. When the "complainers" start complaining, tell them you don't have time or the emotional cycles for the negativity. Tell them you like your job (assuming you do), and their negativity creates chaos in your thinking. It's their problem, not yours, so let them go.

4. AnonymousNovember 28,2023 at 2:52AM UTC

   I avoid them until I can't and then I say things like "well let's not discuss that anymore since it's clearly depressing you"....or "well let's keep that in the past and move on". I never acknowledge the subject nor do I allow it to keep being a topic of conversation. Or finally..."can we not discuss this again?"

   When something infuriates me I always ask myself why. Because it is definitely my issue more so than theirs.

5. AnonymousNovember 28,2023 at 3:40AM UTC

   I worked with a person like that once. She was 22, a "working woman of the 21st century " and constantly complained.

   My boss gave her sympathy and attention so she whined more....with increasing sympathy and attention each time.

   Got old and I realized I hated you cubicles. Headphones not allowed...she complained about them too.

6. AnonymousNovember 28,2023 at 8:04AM UTC

   Try this hold a mirror up to them tell them what it's like to be you listening to them.

   Wonder, out loud, what it is inside them that makes them feellike complaining all the time. Suggest they get some mindset coaching for it, as continuing to have negative impact on the people around them it's not good for them or others. It's pretty direct but delivered compassionately and by the right person whom they have a level of trust and respectful could be quite an effective intervention

7. Tiffany BakerNovember 28,2023 at 1:31PM UTC

   I like to ask...what are your plans to make it better? And that I need to stay positive to get through my day please.

8. AnonymousNovember 28,2023 at 4:56PM UTC

   This person sounds very Eeyore-like. I'm sure we've all worked with them before or had them in our life in some other capacity. After reaching my limit on being sympathetic to a person like this, I ensure all of my responses include some version of "Gosh, that sounds terrible/frustrating/annoying (empathy). What are you going to do about it? (call to action)". Repeat as often as needed. I find that results in one of two outcomes: 1) the person actually does something to solve the problem and the issue gets resolved or 2) (the more frequent outcome) they move on to other targets because they just want to complain, not actually do anything about it, so problem solved for you! Good luck!

9. GirlBossanova934974November 29,2023 at 1:37PM UTC

   It is tough to figure out if you are a manager of this person and/or supervisory responsibility. If you are just a fellow employee, I would just ignore this guy. Why is it necessary to show empathy for this? If you are the manager in question, I would sit down and tell him this is not professional behavior and you expect better. PS: I worked with an entire team of Negative Nancy's for 2 years. The daily and weekly pity parties were much in vogue. High levels of absenteeism brought on by the need to be recognized for their "hard work". They would take turns taking off sick days. Rest assured if one took off on the Friday due to being exhausted et al, the other one would take off the following Monday to show the other one they were more special. It grew loathsomely boring to work around these people. I couldn't wait to leave which I did.

10. AnonymousNovember 29,2023 at 1:56PM UTC

    I had a supervisor for a year or 2 that always complained. I finally turned it around and would ask him what he is going to do to improve the situation.

11. Ruth SathreNovember 29,2023 at 2:03PM UTC

    Sometimes humor helps. I had a co-worker going through a rough divorce. After many months of listening to the 'Bob' saga and how all men are..., one day I whispered in her ear 'trying a woman next time?' We laughed and it helped.

12. Rebecca MillikenNovember 29,2023 at 4:46PM UTC

    I just tell myself that this person has an issue and nothing I can say will help. Then I try to get away from the conversation as quickly as I can.

    Over 40 years in retail taught me how to deal with all sorts of people. I learned that some of the most annoying people don't realize it or do it on purpose. They have stuff going on we don't know about. It's tough when the person is in your orbit daily, but just look at them with that perspective--that they can't help it. They're depressed or have generalized anxiety or are neurodivergent; you never know.

13. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 3:20PM UTC

    I commend your kind perspective. Most of all, this POV doesn’t “cost” the observer anything. Notice how it lifts the burden from the person observing this negativity.

14. AyianDecember 1,2023 at 1:52PM UTC

    Rebecca, Thank you for putting this concept out there. Sounding negative often does not occur to people who are neurodivergent - and both anxiety and depression are neurodivergences. 1 in 5 adults is neurodivergent and you cannot tell simply by looking at someone.

    Addressing it directly is the single most helpful way to call the behavior to the attention of someone who is neurodivergent. 1 in 40 adults is on the Autism spectrum and that number is grossly underestimated due to people who pass for "normal" just well enough to be labeled "awkward" or "quirky". Hints and subtlety will generally go over an Autist's head when you are attempting to address their tone and they may not really know how to affect the change they wish to see in their work life. So be direct. Even if they aren't neurodivergent, you will be heard when you tell them "I feel frustrated when it sounds like you're being consistently negative and vocal about..." If the person is unaware of how they sound, now they know. If they are aware, your openness about your frustration may lead them to be open about their frustration. As Rebecca said, you don't know what's going on in people's lives and until that person feels heard in general, they're unlikely to shed light on what you don't understand.

    We are all responsible for our own feelings. We choose how to interpret things and how those interpretations are supposed to feel. If you've decided that frustration is the correct response to this situation, that's your choice. You can choose to feel differently about the situation including letting their comments not affect you or intentionally telling yourself that you don't know what their story or perspective is (also called giving someone a little grace). They don't have to affect you at all or negatively.

15. Maggie StoneNovember 29,2023 at 6:29PM UTC

    Since you are this person’s coworker and not their friend or Therapist, setting boundaries, changing topics or deflecting with humor is your best bet.
    If they are not ready to hear it, challenging them or mirroring may only cause them to shut down or get mad. You can but only if you want to be more deeply involved with their drama or turn you into the enemy.

16. AnonymousNovember 29,2023 at 9:13PM UTC

    I think I was married to that guy... (note past tense!). Life is just so much easier if you try to find the good in things.

17. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 1:17PM UTC

    LOL

18. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 1:26PM UTC

    You are right, every company has these. I remind people that what they look for they find. A broken clock is right twice a day. Start there. Find one good thing about the situation and go from there.

    I have a select few that I associate with at work. I feel that you are a reflection of the company you keep. I don't want to be known as a complainer so I try to avoid them as much as possible.

    Good luck - it is a fun-sucker for sure to work with these people.

19. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 1:36PM UTC

    Nothing you say or do will change them. Either you accept it or limit your interactions with them.

20. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 3:18PM UTC

    It might not be possible to avoid someone in a work setting. However, we can use techniques to manage the situation better. For example, please see post above about managing the conversation.

21. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 1:46PM UTC

    I can relate to this post so much. I've been on both ends. I've been the constant complainer about the same things over and over and I've been the listener of one or more people doing the same. It's difficult on both ends of the spectrum for everyone involved.

    When I was the constant complainer I did it because I felt I had no power to change my situation and it hurt emotionally and sometimes that manifested physically. At the time I truly didn't have any power because I was in an extremely toxic workplace and ended up being backed into a corner so dark that I just had to quit for my mental health even though the benefits and location were perfect for me. I don't know if your workplace would be considered toxic, but I know that a workplace can be fantastic for one person or a few and absolutely miserable for another because they may be in a different department or with different bosses who bully.

    When I was on the other end and being the listener of constant complaining for a while I just listened and gave feedback like, "Yeah, that sound rough." or "If you feel that way you need to take it to a boss to get help with xyz." Eventually I got better boundaries and told people, "I'm sorry you're going through that, but I really can't help and maybe speaking to a counselor would help because I know it helped me a lot when I was in a terrible place feeling like I couldn't help myself or change my situation."

    Eventually you do burn out though with empathy if it's the same stuff complained about constantly. I exhausted myself when I was complainer too. It's not a weakness to feel bulldozed over by the emotionally negative people. You only can take so much and eventually with my own breaking point of being a complainer, that is when I started changing and realized I was alienating myself from others by my behavior and I got out of that horrible workplace and found a much healthier place.

    Some people just do not want help and all they want to do is complain. I have a neighbor like that and I've just completely distanced myself from her. Even her therapist (per her account) said that all she wanted to do was complain and not get help, so he advised her that therapy wasn't for her because she wasn't ready to do the work. You can't help these types of people and as bad as it sounds, distancing yourself and just getting boundaries to stop the constant chatter around you would be best - at least until the complainer is ready to actually do the work on themselves instead of wanting to vent and have someone rescue them instead. (though that may never happen.)

22. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 3:02PM UTC

    This well said! It offers a POV of empathy, is grounded in reality AND offers healthy boundaries.

23. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 1:54PM UTC

    negative Nancys? How derisive! How dismissive! Your attitude is part of the problem — labeling this male (“his”) with a bastardized version of female name. Unbelievable. How does your employee handle and communicate with a supervisor with such obvious bias?

    Obviously he has a different perspective than you. You could stretch your brain and take some time to explore the reasoning behind his focus areas — may be you are missing something.

24. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 3:01PM UTC

    Your outrage is noted, however, I wonder if you could offer a specific example of reframing one’s thinking. I think that would be the most helpful to the OP.

25. AyianDecember 1,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    Just checking, but you stopped here to anonymously and with a dismissively critical tone ask for an example of how not to call people by derisive and incorrect gendered names? Are you also in need of a step by step guide for how not to use insults towards people? I'm not being facetious here, I'm finding the concept of needing or wanting this to be spelled out incredulous.

26. AnonymousDecember 2,2023 at 2:58AM UTC

    I think you might have missed the thread. The response to this message underscores that the focus be on the OP and meeting their needs, which needed to be said. Chiming in with a topic that criticizes the OP for their vulnerability yet fails to offer clear advice is not productive. This is about feedback etiquette.

    A good litmus test for feedback in online forums is: would you say the same
    thing to a direct report at the office?

    Let’s raise the bar on feedback in online forums. This is someone’s real life.

27. customer JohnsonNovember 30,2023 at 3:53PM UTC

    Not outrage. There is unconscious bias in labeling ‘bad behaviors’ as females: chatty Cathy, Karens, negative Nancy, etc. If that is part of your lexicon — and you can misgender men with those names — you are biased toward people who have those names. That’s lazy and it’s not right.

28. AnonymousDecember 1,2023 at 12:53AM UTC

    Ok, so solve the OPs problem first, then comment kindly on the language. If you expect the OP to be precise in their language, then yours should be tight too.

29. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 7:40PM UTC

    I appreciate your feedback and see how my comment could be very offensive. I truly did not mean anything bad by it.

30. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 2:03PM UTC

    It can be very hard to deal with negative people he is upset and not happy and you cannot fix it for him maybe when he starts complaining try to change the subject or if that doesn’t work just find a reason to excuse yourself after awhile he may give up complaining to you if the audience is gone no point in it .

    Maybe you could try saying a positive thing for his every negative ? If all else fails just distance yourself , you will not be able to change his attitude only he can

31. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 3:11PM UTC

    There is what you think about what is happening, then there are tools to manage the situation.

    I will focus on the latter because I think it would help to have some pragmatic tools. Folks often discuss “the way things are around here” at the coffee stand, before meetings, in the elevator etc.

    As a consultant sometimes that kind of banter is an important clue to making improvements. In fact, I often ask clients who has the loudest voice on [the scope of work] in order to seek out this person. In other situations I might want to avoid this type of conversation for reasons that I won’t get into here. One tool that I use to avoid that kind of banter is: I choose a topic. When I dial in, I say some of the following:
    “hey, what’s for dinner tonight?”
    ”im traveling to [office location] soon, I’ve heard there is some James beard pizza there. What place do YOU like most?”
    “any travel coming up?”
    ”what was your first job? Is it related to what you do today?”
    and other “ice breaker” topics. You can google it and choose options that are most appropriate for your audience.

    a short intro may be needed for topics that seem like they’re coming out of left field. above all, it should be a genuine curiosity. Folks shouldn’t feel like it was a random chosen topic. when new folks dial in or join in, I will include them and say— we’re talking about our first job. Ill pick the most obscure one and say, “Sally was an [Sally’s first job] isn’t that interesting! What was yours?”

    I like this exercise because it deepens the relationship and it’s entertaining. Sally feels seen. then voila, you can begin the meeting and you’ve managed the conversation

32. LizNovember 30,2023 at 3:40PM UTC

    Sometimes a lack of empathy and backhanded or bad communication is the root cause for complaints.

    Here are mine: I have an 80 minute commute each way and I was told in the interview and before I accepted the role that I could wfh two days per week after the beginning. Recently retired director reneged when I brought it up after month 6 and she flatly said "That was never a guarantee." and "for your role..." (ughhhhh there's another admin right next to me in a different dept who comes in ONE DAY a week for 5 hours!). I held on QUIETLY for over 6 months hoping for that small bone! She also rated me a "mostly meets" on my 6 month probationary review for still being new and not having learned everything yet (for context, our area is isolated from most of the division and my trainer only gave me a month then pretty much ghosted me; also she was the type to ask if I was going to respond to an email that was a whopping 9 minutes old! In a world where people ghost, I don't even get 10 minutes??? I was in the bathroom.). I normally get "meets" and/or "exceeds" in reviews. I wouldn't have minded this so much except that it translated to a WHOPPING 1.5% raise that can't be addressed until next year's review. So, gee... if I'm REALLY OUTSTANDING maybe I'll get 2 whole percent next year! I'm responsive, proactive and have often gone out of my way. My last job gave me rave reviews (I left to take care of my mother during a lapse in her care.). But my motivation is dropping... Where's the incentive? Oh and the middle manager of research here (who I don't even report to!) has made past admins and research coordinators quit due to her yelling and bullying. She once clapped in a new research coordinator's face! After she quit, I've been her latest target. She has reduced staff to tears (I nearly was once.). She yelled at me over something I wasn't even made aware about! She'd rather spend her energy yelling after the fact than treating staff like humans and communicating on the front end. So, if I felt that "leadership" actually gave a damn, I wouldn't complain so much. Lots of folks tell me how it was so hard to find an admin and how picky they were and how it would be difficult (supposedly) to replace me but I don't buy it- I don't feel valued at all.

33. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 3:49PM UTC

    This. Try walking in his shoes and figuring out where he is coming from.

    For me, I definitely complain more when I feel like I wasn't listened to the first time.

34. LizNovember 30,2023 at 7:05PM UTC

    Yes. That's the problem. In order to walk in someone else's shoes you need empathy.

35. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 3:49PM UTC

    You must be the employee she was referring to. You sound miserable. Quit while you’re ahead

36. LizNovember 30,2023 at 6:58PM UTC

    No, she was referring to a guy.
    Bad reading comprehension, catty remark, and I sure HOPE you don't manage anyone! Either you didn't read my post or you fully support yelling and being misled to accept a role I wouldn't have otherwise. Hard workers deserve honesty and basic fairness!

37. AnonymousDecember 2,2023 at 2:10AM UTC

    I hope you have feelers out for a new position. This one sounds unsustainable long term. Sometimes we don't realize how bad a situation is until we leave and get a new one. This has been my past experience. If you are new, sometimes you need to stay, but if not, you need to get busy and apply elsewhere.

    Good admins are hard to find, and you sound like you have some great skills. I hope you job hunt in the new year.

    Wishing you all of the very best!

38. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 4:29PM UTC

    I agree with the suggestion that this employee needs to be treated with more empathy.

    I’d gently correct him on any inaccuracies (example: number of customers) and suggest that his concerns might be better accepted and that he might be more impactful if he framed his communications optimistically. At the same time, any legitimate complaints should receive a sympathetic hearing.

    This also sounds like a management problem. How can this employee’s strengths be better utilized so that he is an asset to the team, not a complainer? And how can management show appreciation of his value, even if promotion is off the table?

39. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 7:38PM UTC

    I am the OP and agree with you. It is a management problem to a degree. Previous management of this gentleman was horrendous. The old manager used to purposely cause drama and turn his employees on one another. It was sickening. The previous manager also never corrected bad habits. The employee I posted about rushes through all of his work which can be so detrimental to the company. I'm talking violations with state laws. So it's very serious. So trying to correct old habits now probably makes him feel like there is a target on his back. We obviously have proof of these ongoing violations and have addressed them, but the employee keeps saying he is doing everything right and will not accept accountability. When he was passed over for a position, HR even told him that they would help him find a career path he enjoyed but he has still yet to take them up on that offer. I don't know him personally, but I feel like he is a good guy, he just needs pushed in the right direction. His defense mechanism is to say how everyone else is wrong , which hinders him.

40. AnonymousDecember 1,2023 at 4:13AM UTC

    They’re definitely traumatized & might need professional mental health counseling.

41. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 5:16PM UTC

    Why are you even entertaining this person? Why are you letting them drain your energy?

    All work is voluntary.

    All employees knew what they were signing up for, and all employees are free to leave whenever they want. I have enough on my plate to concern myself with that I don't have time to deal with people who play the "I'm a victim!" game and refuse to change their situation, which in many cases is for them just to leave for greener pastures.

    Whenever someone starts complaining, I simply say, "I'm quite happy here; otherwise, I wouldn't be here. If you're unhappy, then maybe you should leave. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

42. AnonymousDecember 1,2023 at 4:09AM UTC

    The OP seems to be a manager who struggles with basic soft skills in leadership.

    The tactful approach would be to ask them if they are comfortable performing more responsibility that reflects transferrable skills of the role they would rather have. Maybe they’ll realize their fallbacks & the strengths better utilized elsewhere.

43. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 7:03PM UTC

    Draw a boundary and let him know you don't find negativity helpful. But bear in mind he may decide to complain about YOU.

44. AnonymousNovember 30,2023 at 7:31PM UTC

    It is likely the employee doesn't feel "heard" by management.

45. AnonymousDecember 1,2023 at 7:06PM UTC

    I think you share how you are feeling with your manager and ask them to let that person know that their negativity is affecting others without pointing the finger directly toward you. Or perhaps when they start to rant as long as it is not in a meeting walk away. That should do it.

46. AnonymousDecember 4,2023 at 1:36PM UTC

    I like to be very positive with those people. Eventually they see you aren't going to join in the b!tch session and leave you alone. Like for losing customers - Actually, did you know we just were awarded blah blah business. Pay - I could recommend an article on advocating for yourself to ask for a raise. Etc... Be positive/Solution oriented and they go away fast.

47. AnonymousDecember 7,2023 at 5:05AM UTC

    First, you don’t know the person, you’re only working at the same company with that person. You don’t know anything else about them outside of that, especially expecting them to be “optimistic” of what’s going on in their life.

    Respectfully set the boundary.

    Perhaps you should be optimistic, but who am I to say that to you…I’m not there.

    Not to be harsh, only want to share that it goes both ways.