DISCUSSIONS

Our director hosts a picnic for the 200-people who work for him.

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Hella Willis

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Our director hosts a picnic for the 200-people who work for him. I’m introverted and disabled. I would much rather put my head down and work in my cube than stand around for four hours chatting and watching my colleagues eat bratwurst and burgers, drink soda, and try to win the bean bag toss tournament.

The headcount is 196 more people than I’d like to interact with, and it is somewhere between 0-4 hours of standing with picnic tables as seating.

What am I missing? What’s a gracious way to skip this event?

Or is this a great opportunity for team bonding as mustard drips on my shirt? Regardless of the discomfort?

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  1. Anonymous

    I say this respectfully but it sounds like a very catastrophic interpretation of this event. I don’t get the sense anyone is asking you to be the master of ceremonies, lead the bean bag toss championship or head up picnic table crafts. So check the box on this one: swing by for a few mins, make sure you’re seen by your boss and his deputies and exit stage left. And even if it’s not your ideal way to show employee appreciation be grateful that you have a manager that’s showing up in this way.

  2. Anonymous

    I agree. Make the "obligatory " appearance, but state prior plans and can't stick around

  3. Hella Willis

    Thank you, makes sense. I appreciate your feedback.

    From my point of view this is approaching “catastrophic “ or I would not have taken the time to post or to respond. here. Seems to me all posts here are important and catastrophic to the poster. (I think you took mine seriously, by the way.)

    I enjoy the spectrum of views on FGB. One person’s catastrophe is another’s walk in the park.

  4. Anonymous

    Is it mandatory?
    Is it paid? If not, only go if you want. You don’t have to explain yourself or make excuses. Work is hard enough as it is.

  5. Anonymous

    never paid if you’re salaried and it’s outside of working hours. I never go to those things.

  6. Anonymous

    I go to these things sometimes. I’m introverted and extroverted. They feel a bit forced and awkward, but I genuinely enjoy connecting to people and finding common ground. That being said, I’m flipping busy working and living life, if a picnic would add to my stress I would have no qualms not showing up.

  7. Hella Willis

    The location is offsite; I would need to drive along with my colleagues.

  8. Anonymous

    You wouldn't want to be stuck there for longer than you are comfortable if you ride with colleagues who plan on staying for hours. Can you have a friend or family member drive you instead and plan for a shorter visit to get face time in? Otherwise, a gracious thank you for the invitation with an apology that you have other commitments that day should suffice. I would decline the event if my only transportation option depended on co-workers who may be staying longer than I want to.

  9. Anonymous

    The introvert in me totally gets it and my first choice would be to skip out on things out on work events because they are absolute torture. That said, I've learned to not be that person. I suck it up, go along, drive myself and slip out once I've made my rounds.

  10. Anonymous

    As one with a deep phobia of crowds, I get this. What I generally do when I feel compelled to attend such a gathering is psych myself up and go. Grab a burger and rub a few elbows, then leave—no need for explanations. You make your appearance, and that's all that's required. Since you need to ride with one of your colleagues, hopefully, you can find one that doesn't want to stay long. Otherwise, consider using an Uber pick-up at the picnic site.

  11. Melissa Nobile

    As someone who plans and funds events for groups I work with, it’s really disheartening when people simply don’t show. I would love for people to come together, enjoy some food, and then head out. Trust me, I don’t want you to stay all day - just make an appearance.

    I have a very introverted group member. She came and stayed almost to the end because she could chat a bit, disappear for a few minutes and play with the cat, and then come back. She spoke with people she doesn’t normally have time to chat with during our rehearsals. She told me she had a really nice time. That was huge!

    So my advice - go. Spend an hour or so. Make the rounds, have a snack, relax a bit, and get to know the people around you. You might find that you actually have fun.

  12. JM

    Ideally, organizations should balance the social activities held for fun and team building. For some people this type of event is more work and less enjoyable than actually working. And I'd it's after work hours, it can feel, to some, like uncompensated work.

  13. Melissa Nobile

    This sounds like a once a year thing. Go so you can say you went. Make the rounds and then leave after a bit. Team building or fun, this type of thing might not be your cup of tea, but it won’t kill you to show up for a bit.

  14. Sarah Borders

    Is it a great opportunity for team bonding? Absolutely. Should you go? Eh. Based on what you’ve shared, if you don’t have to go and stay for all the festivities, I wouldn’t. IMHO, offsite team building is pretty much imperative when your team is distributed, but it sounds like you’re co-located with your immediate team, at least, so it’s less critical. A quick stop by might not be a bad compromise, and it’ll be easier to recover from a briefer encounter than it would be to stay for up to four hours.

  15. Anonymous

    While I am generally not excited to attend work events (I am an assistant, so I get invited, but then am bored out of my mind because everyone talks shop and I don't care), I try to compromise and pop by for an hour or even 30 min, and then oops, I have somewhere else to be.

    If you are able to get to the event in your own mode of transport, that's what I would do. If not, perhaps write to the host and their assistant, and say thank you for hosting, but that you're not able to make it (you can just say that you have another commitment that day, no need for detail), and that's that.

  16. Anonymous

    Do the quick stop by. Make sure to say hello to the boss and say what a great event it is - even if you just arrived. Do a quick social round, say hi to some colleagues, take a pic or two to infer you want to remember your 'fun' time, then .. zip.. back to your car and on your way. If you can, park your car somewhere that it won't be obvious when you leave (a little ways away from the bathrooms is a good option). With 196 people attending it shouldn't be difficult to show your face for ~20 minutes, get noticed by the right people, then bail. Just think of it like one of those work tasks that is annoying but you do it and get it out of the way. Treat yourself to something that you do enjoy after as a reward for putting your face time in.

  17. Anonymous

    Just saw that you would need to drive with a colleague. If the colleague is fully onboard with a short stay then that would work. If you don't know how long the colleague is planning to stay I would either find another ride from a family or friend who will get you out of there in the time frame you need or just state you can't make it that day but thanks for the invite. You don't want to be stuck there all day because you are dependent on a colleague who may have different tolerances and needs than you.

  18. Anonymous

    Time box the visit to this event and use the excuse of another personal event- wedding, baby shower, other...to escape when you have had enough. Be super upbeat, mingle with the people who you can impact most or will impact your career the most and know that if you don't attend you will miss the casual banter and relationship building needed for your own purposes. Use this as a touch point for getting to know the people there and not thinking it is tedious. Yes, work is important but connections matter and may make you happier overall with the place and people you work with. Definitely upon leaving thank your manager for doing this. Privately, after the event if you can make commentary to him privately about the physical discomfort he may learn something. As for getting there, ask him in advance because you need transport if you can expense it to the company. That should be a reasonable accommodation he would make.

  19. Anonymous

    I think the time box idea is great but I think that pretending to be super upbeat is not a great idea. If this is not who OP is, then it might come across as very insincere and disingenuous (which it is), plus masking in this way is really really exhausting, difficult, and ultimately not healthy psychologically

  20. Anonymous

    Yes, I am aware of that but if she takes into the event any attitude of distaste and anger or such it could harm her more than a bit of acting will...sometimes sugar makes even the most bitter pill taste a bit better.

  21. Anonymous

    I think there are an entire range of attitudes, many of them positive, in between acting "super upbeat" and "any attitude of distaste and anger". It's a false dichotomy. Many of those in between attitudes have been brought up already by other posters.

  22. Anonymous

    Go, connect, for as long as you can take it. You may surprise yourself and connect with someone else who is feeling the same. Seek them out and make small talk. People really do need people, be encouraged to take a small step. It's nice your director is doing that, be gracious. You got this!

  23. Anonymous

    this. there is always at least one other person that feels the same.

    I don't know your sense of humor, but I would probably maybe a joke about how I'm looking for others to sit with me at the "introvert table" so I can be honest about it at least while also probably finding the others I might bond more easily with. this type of thing has worked for me in the past (ambivert here although introverted at work, also invisibly disabled, so while I love food and free food, this sort of thing would have my stomach in twists)

  24. Anonymous

    I don't think they were joking, and shame on you for thinking that. We need to be encouragers and provide options for them to think about on what they may have the courage to try. This poster had the courage to reach out, why would you think a responder would make fun.

  25. Anonymous

    You misread my post in every way possible, if you even bothered to read it in its entirety. I would say "shame on you" but you made a mistake that I think honestly came from a good place. Yet still, you made a mistake.

    I was not suggesting that OP was joking. I am a huge encourager! In fact, I was saying that I feel much the same way about these events as someone who is introverted at work and invisibly disabled. These types of events are always physically accessible to me, but my disability causes debilitating anxiety, i.e. "this sort of thing would have my stomach in twists", and much awkardness. I am always a "weird outsider".

    But I have had success in dealing with my discomfort with these types of things with humor, which allows me to be honest about how I feel while still participating, and in the past it has helped me find like minds.

    So given all that, I was making a suggestion that implied that if the OP's sense of humor is in-line with doing this, then making a joke to co-workers, either before the event or during it, about who would like to join her at the "introvert table" might be something to consider.

    "I don't know what your sense of humor is" was the implication that if her sense of humor was in-line with doing this, it might work. Maybe I should have said that, but if you read the rest of my post, you would understand what I meant. If this doesn't fit OP's sense of humor, then this would not be an option.

  26. Anonymous

    Opportunities for clarity, for sure. So many struggle with that.

  27. Anonymous

    I agree. If only for a short time, you may be surprised with who you are able to connect with. It gives everyone the opportunity to get to know one another outside of the office setting. Try to have fun!

  28. Anonymous

    If you don't want to go, then don't go. Life's too short to be miserable.

  29. Balanced372207

    There is no "gracious" way to skip this event. You should go, even if you only stay for an hour. Not to be rude (but being honest, here, knowing how most employers think): You are a disabled introvert, by your own admission. That sets you "apart" from the other employees -- unfairly so, but that's reality. You should be doing (as little as possible?), to fit in and look like a team player.

  30. Anonymous

    Extroversion isn't required to be good at your job, and unless "socialize with coworkers" is in your job description, you don't need to go. This idea of forced fun is a ridiculous way for employers to get around better pay and other more tangible benefits.

    If it's an environment where opting out of a non-accessible event is going to hold you back professionally, then I'd say it's time to start looking for another job.

  31. Anonymous

    Unfortunately, in the corporate world, “socialize with your coworkers” is typically an unwritten part of the job. I’m an introvert and not typically a big fan of these events either. But I think you have to know your company’s culture and ask yourself, would it do any damage to my reputation or relationships if I skip out? If no, then don’t go. If yes, then make an appearance but have an excused lined up about why you can’t stay the whole time. I don’t like it either, but sometimes completely opting out of company events really does have a negative impact. Trust me, in my company, they know who attends and makes an effort and who doesn’t. Not saying every company is the same, but something to keep in mind.

  32. Anonymous

    I worked for 25 years in my state's legislature. I didn't always feel like it, but I contributed to, and attended each and every fundraising event I was invited to. I remember once one of our legislative leaders told me, "you are on the radar as being on the "A" list, and being on the "A" list in this business is a GOOD thing." I never forgot that, and to this day, I can contact any of my state legislators to ask for information that will benefit other people.

  33. Anonymous

    This is exactly what I was trying to say. People do take notice of the people who make an effort. I’ve been in those conversations when an upper level leader said “so and so doesn’t ever show up or attend any of our events”. So there is something to be said for sucking it up and trying to make an attempt even if it’s not every time or for the entire time.

  34. Anonymous

    It’s amazing how bashing bosses and employers is A-OK. Forced fun to get around better pay and other benefits? How about many employees enjoy and want these types of events. Companies are paying for them in addition to good pay and benefits? I know mine is. If you want to move up at some point you’re going to have to lose the victim mentality.

    As for attending or not, going for a short amount of time seems like the best course.

  35. Anonymous

    "f you want to move up at some point you’re going to have to lose the victim mentality."

    this just takes the proverbial cake for ableism and insensitivity

  36. Anonymous

    Exactly this. What an unfortunate point of view. This kind of mentality absolutely creates environments that, at best, ignore the needs of neurodivergent and disabled workers.

  37. Anonymous

    Personal enjoyment is fine, but if these events are the way to move up at a company, then they're "forced fun" and absolutely being used as a way to opt out of better pay or other benefits.

    It's not "bashing" bosses or employers to say they've got the company's bottom line higher up the priority list than their employees' well-being in nearly every case. Asking for accessibility and to be left alone to do your actual job isn't a "victim mentality" and saying as much is ableist at best.

  38. Kimberley Ferretti Hammett

    What if you send a thank you note to the Director for the invite? You could explain that large social events are difficult for you but that doesn't mean you don't sincerely appreciate the effort and the invitation. Let them know that while you won't be attending you look forward to bonding with them and other members of the team in smaller scale meetings and conversations. Could be a valid option!

  39. Anonymous

    This is quite a fantastic idea

  40. Anonymous

    I know how you feel. While most people look forward to these events, I dread them. I attend, but I only stay for maybe an hour at the most so people will know I was there.

    If you're riding in with someone maybe arrange for an Uber to pick you up, that way you don't have to stay any longer than you want to.

  41. Gwendolyn Free

    Even though you are an introvert and disabled, I think this would be a good opportunity to interact with others outside of work. Is there anyone at work you engage with? Ask if they are attending and if you could meet them when you arrive. Having someone else you feel comfortable with will ease things. Go for a little while, grab a bite and head home. You might be surprised who you might interact with!

  42. Anonymous

    I don't think it's fair to say someone with a disability should go to an event that isn't accessible, regardless of the potential benefits. The company owes disabled employees accessibility accommodations.

  43. Anonymous

    Where do they say it's no accessible. It doesn't state that at all. Don't think you can infer .

  44. Anonymous

    Up to four hours of standing with only picnic tables as seating - automatically not accessible.

  45. Anonymous

    Just stay home.

  46. Eva Steortz

    It sounds like you know the answer. It is a great opportunity for team bonding. And staying comfortable is never the right answer if we want to maximize our careers. :) Work "relationships" are important for collaboration and career progression. Perhaps you could just go for one hour. It's cool your leader offers some fun opportunities. I hope you end up enjoying some picnic food and a couple laughs with people you work with. Cheering you on!

  47. Anonymous

    I agree with this response completely. As a fellow disabled, introvert, I recommend this approach. Several years ago I had a boss who did exactly this every summer. A potluck picnic gathering in a local park. She also included a few group activities that provided ways to learn more personal things about our co-workers. Although it wasn't exactly comfortable, I made a point of attending, bringing a dish to pass and participating in the bonding activities. Once those things wrapped up and the event broke into more group chats, I would find a way to quietly remove myself and head home.

  48. Heather (she/her)

    In this case, she's not talking about emotional or professional comfort, but literal physical comfort and accessibility. No worker should be encouraged to attend an event that isn't accessible for their disability.

  49. Hella Willis

    Thank you all for the feedback. I appreciate your time and the shared wisdom.

    -- hmw

  50. Hella Willis

    I want to push back on the response to the refectory my disability and introversion make me an outcast, by default.

    First, ironically, I couldn’t agree more.

    What DOES it take for an outcast to be a cool kid without compromising her unique view in a DEI-forward company?

  51. Balanced372207

    I don't believe that you are an "outcast." "Outcast" has negative connotations.

  52. Anonymous

    the fact that many organizations are run by extroverts who impose that on everyone else can be really frustrating for introverts.

    perhaps you could have a conversation with your boss on how to make the event more inclusive? for example maybe there can be a table where people can make friendship bracelets, or something else that's a classic camp activity but can be a bit more individual. i'm sure there's actually a lot of people who would appreciate an option like that. and no mustard!

  53. Anonymous

    This is a great idea...or beforehand, have employees fill out a questionnaire as to what their "favorite things" are. And people who have "favorite things" in common could be introduced or "re-introduced" to one another.

  54. Lisa Bracco Spinelli

    I would go just for a short time, if it's accessible for you. I'm very introverted and need my recharge time, but an hour or two isn't going to disrupt that. I'd then go home and spend the rest of the night in bed, dogs snuggled next to me, reading. Win all around.

  55. Anonymous

    Many, and I would venture to say most, workers I know don’t like these forced social events either. Just go for awhile, show you face, then duck out. I had a two day event last week that I was dreading. I adjusted my attitude, got through it and actually had a little fun.

  56. Anonymous

    This one is tough and it really depends upon what you want with the company.

    People who tend to go to such events are the ones that mostly get promoted is what I personally have seen. If you are okay with where you are in the company, then I'd skip it if it were me. It's 2023 - why are we still doing these types of events? Let people have their free time on the weekends and weeknights!

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