Bad experience with former employer left me traumatized, afraid, angry, and with worse imposter syndrome than ever before.

42 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 15,2022 at 6:52PM UTC

   I would start by writing down what you learned from the experience. Try and write it like a research paper to minimize anger. Your gaining something positive from the bad experience is probably not what the former employer wants. Moving on with increased knowledge and an improved battle plan is the best revenge against those types of people.

2. Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterAugust 15,2022 at 8:05PM UTC

   So important that you understand that what that employer said or did isn't what's affecting you...it is 100% what you are making his/her words and actions mean about you.

   This is the best news ever, because you have complete control over your thoughts. Take a look at the thoughts you are having and decide whether those thoughts are serving you.

   If they aren't, as I suspect, decide ON PURPOSE to think different thoughts. About yourself, your former boss, your former coworkers.

   P.S. Another benefit of changing your thoughts: you will change your energy, as well. Which employers can smell from a mile away.

3. AnonymousAugust 15,2022 at 8:49PM UTC

   My personal opinion is that any type of trauma requires some form of therapy, I personally work through it by writing it down. Getting my thoughts, concerns, worries, etc. down on paper helps me work through it and sometimes I find that it helps me to pull myself out of the rut of thinking about the situation over and over. I know people who work through it by painting, coloring, exercising or through music. Find what helps you focus on the current and being the best you.

4. AnonymousAugust 15,2022 at 9:59PM UTC

   Therapy for sure. These things don't resolve themselves with time. You must find a great therapist to help you or you will be right here 5 years from now.

5. JenniferAugust 15,2022 at 10:38PM UTC

   I have found the framework of Radical Acceptance to be really helpful in these situations.

   "Radical acceptance can be defined as the ability to accept situations that are outside of your control without judging them, which in turn reduces the suffering that is caused by them."

   "Acceptance means that you can turn your resistant ruminating into accepting thoughts like, 'I’m in this situation. I don’t approve of it. I don’t think it’s OK, but it is what it is, and I can’t change that it happened.'"

   https://bit.ly/3dzgApZ

   I also find Brene Brown's work to be profoundly helpful and liberating in situations like these. The TED Talks linked below quite literally changed how I see myself, interact with others, and choose to live my life.

   https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

   https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0

6. AnonymousAugust 15,2022 at 11:23PM UTC

   I have the same issue going on at my work. I refuse to quit. I am documenting all encounters that seemed to be focused on me. My faults or perceived faults that is. I eventually will go to HR.

7. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 1:29PM UTC

   HR will not necessarily be your friend so be careful what you give them.

8. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 10:19PM UTC

   HR is NOT your friend. Get outside counseling.

9. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 2:11AM UTC

   Omg I have the same. 10 years at the same company and was asked to leave or be terminated. I was treated like an animal during my exit. You are not alone! I am in therapy due to this.

10. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 4:32AM UTC

    You're not alone and I recently went through this exact situation. I was so traumatized that I curled up in a ball after every day of work. I was saving money to quit when a shift in the company left me without a job. I didn't fit into to that 'bro' culture either and although I hated it, I make it a point to always do my best so I'm having trouble getting rid of the anger as well.

    Put that energy into finding a new job and to getting out for exercise. When I'm most frustrated, I go for walks, use YouTube Zumba exercise videos so it doesn't have to cost anything to get yourself in a better mindset and shape.

    I still have my days and hours where I'm furious but I'm making it my goal to find a job that's a better fit for me. Sending good vibes your way!

11. Tiana MumfordAugust 16,2022 at 12:06PM UTC

    Good morning

    Therapy is always a good start if it’s that bad ! Thanks

12. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 12:48PM UTC

    I’ve been in a similar situation where my managers kept gaslighting me telling me I didn’t understand things- when I DID…and then my constant reassuring them or giving them examples of my understanding just snowballed into me feeling like I constantly had to prove how capable or intelligent I am and sometimes questioning myself and my abilities- because if it was up to them- they’d have me feeling and thinking I was a bumbling idiot.

    So I took classes and obtained a license in a different profession!

    You don’t have to go as far as getting into a different profession. But something as simple as learning a new skill for a few months can be incredibly rewarding and helps to build a ton of confidence!

    Also I’m a huge fan of Marissa Peer and did her Uncompromised Life workshop during the pandemic- and it was a total game changer!

13. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 1:01PM UTC

    I went through a similar experience when I selected the “wrong” of two job offers.

    I won’t get into details, but the culture was one where on the outside looking in, it appeared to be fabulous, but from the inside you quickly realized it looked so good because everyone was scared of losing their jobs!

    I was there for exactly one year and it took me four years to completely recover. I also made it worse on myself by not appearing to conform. This piece was on me - I was so angry at being tricked into taking a crappy, dead end position, I made myself a target. Did I know better - yes! Did I have a lapse in emotional intelligence - also yes! Did those that remained benefit from my lack of emotional intelligence - yes! I still get thanks from my ex-coworkers. But they did not support us at the time. :( On the upside the “leader” was let go a month after I left. :)

    Side note: always remember that HR is there to preserve “the look” of tranquility. My HR representative knew, but she had her career on the line, too.

    Here are my insights:

    If you are a mess because of this, don’t be hard on yourself and get some help! Therapy, meditation to counteract the ruminating, etc., will help you get through this faster.

    Exercise, eat well and get enough sleep. Sounds easy, right? It’s not, but if you approach it like a habit, you will get there.

    If ruminating is really affecting your sleep, follow all sleep hygiene methods - no blue light, bedroom for sleeping only, etc., and try listening to a book at night. There are also “sleep stories” - if you concentrate on the story, you will fall asleep!

    Please know that this happens to so many of us, so don’t take it personally. There are people who get off on being jerks, and that is a fact of work-life. But, you can come through this stronger then you were before. And, the bonus is that you have more experience in figuring out cultures!

14. Jillian KnappAugust 16,2022 at 1:03PM UTC

    You need to first understand what happened to you had more to do with them than it did you. You said it yourself in so many words. Second, you need to dig into your experiences prior to this and remember your successes and people who spoke highly of your work. Third, it may be worth talking to someone about this. I found a Life Coach was highly effective in getting me back on track. Remember you are worth more than your bad experiences.

15. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 1:04PM UTC

    Know that you (unfortunately!) are not alone. And you certainly are not crazy. Toxic environments will gaslight you into believing you did wrong or could have done better in certain situations.

    I agree with other commenters here; therapy is never a bad idea. Hope you find a better workplace and some healing!

16. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 1:28PM UTC

    Many of us have been there. I spent five years in a toxic environment where I could do nothing right in the eyes of one mid-level manager who seemed to always have a target of choice. She had run several employees off before me and after I left she chose another.

    I was dealing with a significant health problem at this time and the company had a flexible health care approach which made me hesitant to leave, but by the time I left I questioned everything about my skill set and performance.

    In my new role after moving away from the area I faced a bad case of imposter syndrome. In order to overcome it, I first took stock of the skills where I knew I excelled. I worked on improving these skills even more to bui8ld my shattered confidence.

    Second, I looked at the skills this manager had made me question. I thought about why I questioned them and if any of the harsh feedback she had shared was true. I consulted others who knew my work from previous roles and current. I made a list of any skills in this area where I thought there was some real room for improvement and began to work on those.

    Third, I luckily got a great new manager who wanted to see me succeed and recognized my talent and my questions about my ability and spent time helping me rebuild my confidence. This was a true gift.

    I realize not everyone will get this, but if you don't, I suggest building a strong mentor relationship with someone who will help rebuild your confidence and destroy the imposter syndrome you feel.

    Good luck!

17. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 2:01PM UTC

    My god this sounds so much like me to the t! Im so glad this came up

18. Carma SchrammAugust 16,2022 at 2:42PM UTC

    I like your plan of attack! It's balanced and truthful. I hope you're doing well.

19. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 1:43PM UTC

    There is a ton of good advice in here. Therapy does help. I was where you are and it really did a number on me. I’d like to suggest you consider a deep dive on something that has nothing to do with your career. I found that one thing abusive employers do is get people so tied up in work and ruminating about work that there’s no room for anything else. Forgive yourself for getting sucked in. Read that again.

    Consider a new interest that is hands on like Mediterranean cooking, furniture rehabbing or raising chickens, and go all in on that. You want to crowd out the space that the bad thoughts grow in. Best of luck to you-you are on your way by recognizing the problem and reaching out to this group for help.

20. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 1:58PM UTC

    This is sadly so common. I am fortunate that I have a close circle of friends who would remind me of who I am and be pissed with me over things that happened. I found a great counselor who helped me to finally see that it was a very abusive situation.

    Prior employer trauma is real and I'm glad we're talking about this.

21. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 2:06PM UTC

    This has happened to me I was hired for a accounts payable position 1 week after I started 30,000 dollars was missing the girl before me just up and quite! And took all of the notes for that particular job so I couldn’t find out what happened and the learning curve (AP for a construction company) super hard lol. That job didn’t last long I voiced the elephant in the room and was swiftly let go. I was so distraught because that job was the best salary I ever had with the education I had. And now I was back to square one. I got unemployment due to retaliation but I had nightmares about that job. My exit interview was a screaming match with me being screamed at because I stated I’m being retaliation against she couldn’t believe I said that I was Escorted out by security I drove home in pure bliss I tried to make that job work due to the great salary but yikes was it a bad environment. I have not found that type of salary again but am planning to work for myself soon. I would definitely suggest some therapy as I am doing the same.

22. Crystal HowellAugust 17,2022 at 10:05AM UTC

    There is a whistle blower law if $30k missing and you reported it, why let you go.contact employment lawyer, that should not have happened. Who took it?

23. AnonymousAugust 23,2022 at 4:13PM UTC

    Is it too late? This was in 2018

24. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 2:12PM UTC

    https://workplacebullying.org/

25. Kate Bishop, Career Confidence & Wellbeing Specialist, Coach & TrainerAugust 16,2022 at 3:58PM UTC

    I am so sorry to hear you went through this - sadly you are not alone as can be seen by the comments here.

    Firstly - I would allow yourself time to get through this - don't put yourself under pressure to stop ruminating or to suddenly pull yourself out of this pit and feel better.

    Healing takes time.

    Secondly - explore different therapy options to find the right one for you to help you process the trauma of this.

    Thirdly - and only when you feel ready - work with a coach or mentor or therapist to help you move forwards. Imposter syndrome doesn't have to be completely negative - by delving into it, embracing your inner imposter and revealing your inner mentor you can use it to power you to a better place.

    You've got this - it may just take more time

26. Joanne RosenAugust 16,2022 at 5:12PM UTC

    Oh, I empathize.

    Sit yourself down right now and start writing a list of your achievements at every job you have ever had. This is one of my favorite examples to give to clients.

    I was a file clerk in the claims department at a large insurance company. I was 18 at the time (1978). I tell people I'm inherently lazy because, if there is a more efficient way to do something, I'll find it to cut down on my workload. Here is the achievement followed by the actions I took to do it. (Very important part)

    Saved 1 FTE salary by revamping file clerk role within 2 weeks of being hired

    > Made notes while being trained by other file clerk to learn process

    > Reviewed notes and discovered multiple areas that could be changed to increase efficiency

    > Streamlined system and increased employee satisfaction by reducing backlog to get files.

    Alternatively, I could have on my resume:

    File Clerk: Opened mail, attached to correct insurance claim folder, delivered to adjustors. Gathered folders from outboxes, replaced in file room.

    Both are technically correct. But, the top one is what got my next job. I didn't write it that way back then but it's what my boss told my future employer.

    *****(When I left after 3 months because I was moving, they didn't replace me.)****

    So, stand with hands on hips in the super hero pose, think about how amazing you are, and write it down! THAT is also what needs to go on your resume! (At least, anything within the past decade or so.)

    I had PTSD after working in one position. It took a couple years before I stopped having panic attacks. But, I am AWESOME now.

    Cheers

    Joanne

    www.analyticadvantagecc.com

27. Patriciai AllenAugust 16,2022 at 6:02PM UTC

    First, it is essential to know your worth. As I moved forwarded in my career after experiencing a toxic environment, I learned my expectations are to be valued and treated with respect. I no longer grieve about the past. I have come to realize growth could sometimes come with pain. Therapy, mentors, positive people, and reading books on the issues you have experienced could bring comfort and help.

28. AnonymousAugust 16,2022 at 9:04PM UTC

    I AM SO SORRY.
    Be kind to yourself. Sometimes in life we come across Hostile, bigoted, sexist, insecure, individuals who use their influence and authority to push those out of environments that they feel we do not belong:

    1) Try to see the silverlining, how much emotional abuse would you have continued to endure if you stayed. Thank yourself for allowing the transition out of a toxic atmosphere

    2) Focus on healing. No it is not your fault. People with the isms described above to include karenists project their insecurities onto others bc of unresolved issues, hyperinflated egos or bc they are well on their way to meet their karma. Don't worry, the energy they give out, they will receive, even if you are not around to witness it.

    3) Journal and talk out and talk thru the pain thru trusted friends and loved ones for support. Talk therapy and writing therapy is powerful. You need to get this out. Seek professional therapy if you think it would be beneficial.

    4) Take a few weeks to process and release. Healing will not happen overnight. Get into a routine, exercise, praying for guidance to receive wisdom on how to move fwd.

29. AnonymousAugust 17,2022 at 3:07AM UTC

    Have you thought about therapy?

30. AnonymousAugust 17,2022 at 3:09AM UTC

    Let's take your power back and away from the enemy!The abusers are actually hoping you will believe their B******t , don't agree with their little plan to destroy your self worth so you would leave. It's their game,instead of just letting you go and possibly fund the unemployment rate they would have to pay they have created a smoke screen in which they tried to convince and connive you to be the ,"problem"(but didn't succeed) Because you won ,you left ,and you will know your worth and how good you are at everything , because God loves you and sometimes a rejection is God's protection,and God made you and He doesn't tolerate abuse to His kids and watch something way better is coming with love peace and respect amen!!!

    Peaceful and safe working

    conditions are a Professional Standard, and NOT a preference !

31. AnonymousAugust 17,2022 at 5:53AM UTC

    I had to go anon for this one. I can relate to this one wholeheartedly. Some years back I posted a question on this forum because I encountered this same thing of not fitting in and was ultimately"ostracized" and pushed out as a result.

    https://fairygodboss.com/community-discussion/THtGJM8Sz/each-job-i-have-held

    I evaluated every nook and cranny regarding how I was presenting myself at work and the quality of work I was producing. Replaying conversations and encounters to see if I had landed an insult on the other participant unbeknownst to me in the moment that I could later realize now to no avail.....rumination at its best. It wasn't until that question I posted that I realized, that this doesn't just happen to me. It happens to other people, women specifically who are not afraid to maintain their professional boundaries, dim their light, and do their best while on the job. It just irks others who have self-confidence issues and hate anything different because they may see it as a rejection of themselves. Its very immature and toxic behavior on an emotional and mental level to hold that, " anything different must go." Like, how are you supposed to promote growth within a company if everyone is afraid to think differently while still believing in wanting to enrich the company that they work for? Help it make sense.

    Luckily, times are changing and I do believe that the current and upcoming generation that will be in tow will not care to uphold homogeneous mindsets to such a toxic degree.

    Now what I did to pull myself out of it which may help you is, I would review the comments within the thread of others who shared their stories to remind myself that I was not alone in experiencing this so it's not me, its a systemic issue which is kind of outside of my control to change unless I gain capital and create my own company with the values that I admire and help influence other companies to follow pursuit, go the activism route, etc. I took time during my unemployment, so a few months of it to just simply BE. that's right. I just relaxed and poured self-love into myself, undoing all the mental knots I had in my mind surrounding how I was a bad employee due to not being able to mimic the personality of a manager to succeed, I wrote down what I liked about myself professionally and personally, I reminded myself that I am not the work that I do, I poured into the hobbies I loved to do before I got wrapped up in allowing the lines of personal and work life to blur, and kept answering questions on this forum to help other women and people who post questions such as this to share words of encouragement that I wish I could have received when I was going through it. All of that helped so much.

    Im sure you're a great employee and anyone would be thankful to have you within their team and company. Please do not allow this experience to warp your perception of self for the worst. You did the best you could with the tools you were provided while in your role so keep telling yourself that each time those ruminating thoughts come at you. It will take time for them to dissipate.

32. Crystal HowellAugust 17,2022 at 9:55AM UTC

    Speak to a career coach or counselor to get jump started. If you have proof of harassment or discrimination contact someone. Bullying is not acceptable,lying coming from management isn't either . Know your worth,believe in you. Turn the volume down from that noise, let Karma handle.

33. Jackie GhedineAugust 17,2022 at 10:41AM UTC

    This is so absolutely awful. Whenever I work with women who have had experiences much like this, I get even more disappointed in corporate culture, the excessive gaslighting happening and people being excluded within organizations.

    Unfortunately, our past experiences can impact our current self-worth making it difficult to move past and move through.

    There are processes to deal with this so you can come through stronger and use these past circumstances as indicators for your future self.

    Give yourself time to ruminate, it's a natural part of healing, especially for women. We feel as though we can work things out and find a solution (even though there isn't one). Please give yourself grace to process the emotions and situation.

    Next, I would highly suggest finding a coach (not because I am one) but because I know, firsthand, the incredibly positive impact and transformation working with a coach can have on an individual. Especially a coach who specializes in worth and career.

    Don't let anyone diminish your worth. Remember, you are better off being removed from the emotional battlefield they call work.

34. IntentionGirl136408August 17,2022 at 12:08PM UTC

    agree with Jackie's comments. These things take time to heal, and you can't do that without taking the time to feel it, and then talk about it.

35. AnonymousAugust 17,2022 at 4:24PM UTC

    If I could hug you right now I would. Your words of encouragement and guidance just comforted me as I am working through some things and seeking better employment opportunities for myself. I didn't make the post but your wisdom applies to my current circumstance now. I was thinking today how I wished I had someone to talk to about these things but I never thought of getting a coach. Thanks for the advise and thanks for being you. Keep doing good in the world and may good come back to you.

36. Jackie GhedineAugust 18,2022 at 10:52AM UTC

    This warms my heart and why I am on this platform. Feel free to reach out to me and connect. I'd love to support you in any way I can! We need to be supportive to each other and listen, without bias and judgment so we can move through these situations.

37. AnonymousAugust 17,2022 at 12:32PM UTC

    I experienced this all the time when I was in education, and even in corporate when I transitioned. I'm still coping. Therapy helps. You can find someone affordable through Open Path. Just remember - you are not the problem.

38. AnonymousAugust 17,2022 at 9:22PM UTC

    Who wants to fit into a trash culture like that? Been there and it sucks but you're better off!

39. AnonymousAugust 17,2022 at 11:32PM UTC

    T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.

40. AnonymousAugust 18,2022 at 12:41AM UTC

    I can so relate to this post! I recently was let go (hasn't happened other than a layoff 25 yrs ago), due to gaslighting from my new boss. I never realized until I was reflecting that she was plotting this all along, because I had never had anyone be so deliberate about getting me out the door. The really sad part - the other person present with my boss at the dismissal was a peer that I had supported in her moments of self-doubt and in whom I felt confident was a mutual support system. I never relayed anything negative about our boss, but it turns out, she was all about the "climb." I didn't expect her to warn me, but I also think it would have been appropriate to recuse herself - that's what I would have done.

41. Seema MurthyAugust 18,2022 at 4:40AM UTC

    We heal differently so if someone is advising you to stop "ruminating" and let it go don't feel that you have to. All of us at some point of time in our careers have been through a bad experience and introspection is a much needed activity. We rehash things over and over just to see if there was anything that we could have done better. That is how we work. Others have advised you about coaching / therapy so I will not repeat that here. Will add to that however. I have found jotting down a few of my thoughts about what / how i should have handled the situation, even if it means writing down that I should have quit earlier, helps keep the narrative constructive and focused on learning from the experience. This actually reduces anger and angst in me. Give that a try.

    No matter what, don't feel diminished. Know your worth at all times.

42. Sridhar JayaramanAugust 18,2022 at 7:44AM UTC

    Excellent advice @Seema Murthy.

    It is always better to live in the present and focus on the future. The past, especially negative experiences, are a dead load we should never carry.