Complained to my boss about my one comment.

Anonymous

March 9,2024 at 6:31PM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

Complained to my boss about my one comment.

Coworker and I had a brief somewhat heated I suppose exchange. He kept interrupting me to say something had been agreed upon previously. I snapped and told him that I’d heard him “all three times that you said that.” Then, realized that was a little testy and walked it back with a “there’s no blame on you, it’s something I should have done…” as to sorta lessen the blow. He was visibly angry as the meeting went on. Been interacting via email on projects cordially for a few weeks since. Now my boss has told me he contacted her to say he no longer “feels comfortable “ around me and boss has asked me to address it with him. My boss agrees with me that this is ridiculous, but I’m furious. I know I have to get this guy off my back before he causes damage to my reputation at this workplace where I’ve been a midlevel individual for 15 years. We are not young new employees, we’re both experienced professionals so this is really both concerning and infuriating to me. I have certainly been “barked at” by colleagues over the years and never complained to a boss. Plus, I have a feeling there could be a gender component here as I am a female and there feels like there is an expectation to be cordial and demure compared to my male counterparts. I would just love to hear ant advice for this conversation I’m gonna have to have, similar experiences, insights.

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

8 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

8 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousMarch 9,2024 at 9:01PM UTC
I'm a believer in taking responsibility for what's yours to take responsibility for, but not more. You were both frustrated and angry. You acknowledge that at one point you spoke rudely and unprofessionally. Own and apologise for that. Don't make excuses for it, and don't try to mitigate it. You're apologising for your actions, not attempting to salve all wounds.
Is this coming from a place of sexism? Maybe but you don't know that so don't assume it. Equally, just because you can shrug off conflict doesn't mean others can.
Own what's yours to own and move on.
AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 2:40AM UTC
Great advice, thank you.
AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 4:08PM UTC
I agree with what Wendy said. You are no more responsible for his feelings than he is for yours. I wonder what he was trying to get you to do by hammering the point in the first place. Perhaps you didn't capitulate in tears rather than take ownership and respond on how to move forward.
I did a similar thing when it was assumed I would crumple under some "teasing" during a staff meeting about how one of my products could have "caused" a client company's disaster (it was ridiculous because there was no connection between the product and the company's problems). It was a daily meeting about critical clients, and this particular client had one of our more severe product issues. After about the third time he said it, I slammed both hands on the conference table and shouted for him to "Shut the f--- up." It was extremely out of character for me, but I did gain the respect of my peers. It is also not anything I would suggest anyone else to try, as I was as shaken by saying it as everyone else in the room. I understand being pushed to this level of response, though, and he should also take ownership of doing that. The guy teasing me apologized, and we had a decent and professional relationship from then on.
AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 12:52PM UTC
Yes, I worked with a woman like this. She interrupted me constantly and I would ask to stop, one day I snapped and said please let me finish what I am saying before responding, that got me sent to HR.
AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 3:11PM UTC
I really can’t imagine a male counterpart ever being sent to HR for this. Ridiculous.
Maggie StoneMarch 13,2024 at 1:00PM UTC
It sounds like you took responsibility for what is in your control which are your responses and reactions. It does sound like there may be a gender component. Some people are really fixated on hearing the words I’m sorry. Might not be out of line to say something like “Wow, things got a little heated in that meeting, I am sorry I got a little testy.” But your call, he needs to own his behavior too.
AnonymousMarch 13,2024 at 4:37PM UTC
I'm not sure the context of the discusson. Did either you or he make a mistake, drop the ball or not follow through on something that was promised? I think your statement was simply conveying that you heard what he had to say and repeating what he had already said wasn't going to change the context of the situation. If anything him saying "there's no one to blame but you.." was somewhat accusatory and abusive and you would have right to say that what he said made you feel uncomfortable. Your coworker (especially if he knows you, your work ethic and reputation well) is blowing this up into something bigger than it needs to be and may be a little overly sensitive. However, in attempt to show that you are the bigger person something like "I'm sorry if things got a little heated. I apologize for what I said in frustration" may help this blow over.
AnonymousMarch 13,2024 at 4:59PM UTC
Simply put an eye for an eye makes everyone blind. Yes, I am certain that you have experienced (as we all have) mansplaining or barking in the past but, you did it this time. Rise above, apologize to him directly, do it in front of your manager, be sincere and let him know it was not in your usual style and won't happen again. Then move on, if he does anything going forward to gaslight or complain about you, you have done 100% the right thing and come clean. Yes, it will sting a bit but you have to give the behaviour that you expect in return to him so that it ends it firmly. I'm sure his precious ego was bruised but if we don't teach men to heal from criticism they will continue to lash out because they are not used to women who speak up and defend themselves.
You got this! And good for you for recognizing what happened and wanting to make amends.