Any advice out there?

Anonymous

October 23,2023 at 5:58PM UTC

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Any advice out there? I was so excited to finally change industries and get my dream “office” job. My department is all female, very small, and for almost two years it has been pure hell. I love what I do and have formed some really great relationships. I have no issues with any other department, I have actually received accolades for my work, but that just makes it worse. I have literally been instructed to not respond to the head of the company by my direct supervisor. If the GM messages me, I have been told to tell my boss and she responds herself. I even got in trouble for speaking to her boss in a five minute conversation about a leadership class I was nominated for. I was instructed by cooperate and HR to reach out and learn more about other departments as part of my training and now I am public enemy number one to my boss because she doesn’t like her boss. and speaking to her is some kind of betrayal, from what I was told. She literally stood around the corner and listened and proceeded to complain about it to my coworker. I only asked her if I could sit in on a meeting from a different department, that she is over. My boss proceeded to be rude and throw a temper tantrum the rest of the day. This occurs on a daily basis, she even goes so far as to walk in the office in the morning and say hello to my office mate but ignores me. She will walk up to my other coworker and say let’s go smoke (I smoke as well) and tell me to do some random errand, clearly meaning she is not including me. I really don’t want to go out there anyways because it is just to gossip about how stupid my other co workers are. I have literally had to start taking medication for anxiety and high blood pressure since starting this job! I don’t want this to run me off from my dream job! What should I do?

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AnonymousOctober 23,2023 at 6:24PM UTC
It sounds like you can't get any emotional distance from your boss and it has resulted in health issues. For that reason I would suggest you need to look for a new job either in the company or if that's impossible outside at a,new company.
When you don't have the ability and tools to fight a person like this, the anxiety only grows worse and can manifest in more than very high blood pressure.
I would dedicate yourself to finding another job so you don't find yourself with more serious health issues.
Linda WrightOctober 23,2023 at 7:04PM UTC
Put this information together in a factual timeline attach any proof you have of these incidents and submit it to HR. Also, CC, her boss so everyone knows.
AnonymousOctober 23,2023 at 7:05PM UTC
NEVER let your boss gatekeep you. This is a red flag indicating that you are in an "I do all the work, boss takes all the credit" situation. She probably doesn't like her own boss, because her own boss is already suspicious of this.
I know you don't want to hear this, but ONE of you will eventually leave. To try and make sure it isn't you, reach out to the GM in a casual way (passing in the hall, or when she messages you) and first just try to project an aura of calm (hard to do when you have anxiety, I know, I'm medicated too). Then, perhaps on a day your boss isn't there, say something along the lines of "Isn't it strange Boss insists I forward all your correspondence to her? It seems really inefficient to me. Do I have your OK to speak with you directly?" And if GM asks what Boss does when you do try to be direct, TELL her.
Unfortunately these mind games play out to some degree in any workplace, so if this really your dream job you need to learn how to play. Knowledge is power!
AnonymousOctober 24,2023 at 9:35AM UTC
First you have to determine what a "dream job" looks and feels like. If you have to take medication just to get through the day, deal with a toxic boss and work environment, a dream doesn't quite describe what this sounds like.
At some point you have to take time out to see it for what it really is. When a job starts to compromise your health and well being, its time to reevaluate.
Amy KeachOctober 25,2023 at 12:30PM UTC
Exactly this. My second job out of college was working for a woman who helped influence my decision to go into journalism, and I was thrilled. Unfortunately for me she saw me as competition (I was exactly half her age at the time) and made my life a living hell. The day the doctor put me on a halter monitor - and this was in the days when said halter monitor was literally in a cross-body bag you had to wear for 24 hours - I walked into the publisher's office and quit. Nothing lined up. But my palpitations sure went away quickly, which allowed me to look for another job without feeling like I was going to explode. I wish you all the best - there's some really good advice on this thread about how to go about this.
AnonymousOctober 24,2023 at 4:59PM UTC
You have to tell her to stop this behavior, be brave about it and let her know that you want true collaboration. If that does not change then file a complaint with the EEOC for hostile workplace. Be prepared to look for another job because clearly she has you as her whipping post for her own insecurities.
Ruth KayOctober 25,2023 at 12:32PM UTC
Even if you're not sure what you will do in the end, you MUST document everything that has happened until now! If you can remember the date on which she told you not to talk to the GM, document it. Document the smoking incident. Keep the language objective. Just state facts not opinions. ( e.g. "I was reprimanded" as opposed to "She was mad at me"- you can't be sure of what she was feeling) If she was stupid enough to put any of this in a text or an email or a voice note, attach that to your documentation.
Then when you decide what to do, OR she tries to get rid of you, you will have your "e-paper trail". Good luck out there!
Sarah StadtherrOctober 25,2023 at 2:20PM UTC
I used to do this documentation via email from and to my PERSONAL email accounts. Then it was chronological and "time stamped".
AnonymousOctober 25,2023 at 12:35PM UTC
If your dream job entails being micromanaged and bullied by an insecure manager, you might be having a nightmare. There are many other opportunities out there. You may need to reevaluate the core components to what your dream job looks like. You've listed one as being on a small team, another as an all female team. Great start, but what else contributes to this dream job? Company stability? Strong female leadership? Career growth and opportunities? Exposure to leadership? I'm thinking that maybe you're quickly outgrowing this job and it may be time for another. Here is what I think:
1. Document a running list of issues you've encountered with her, include dates, times and provide as much detail as possible. It sounds like it won't take long to compile this list - but once you have enough use cases bring it to your HR or leadership team. Don't forget that they likely already have her side of the story. Also noteworthy - HR is there to protect the company. So if they see something that is at risk to them from a liability standpoint (hostile work environment), they are more willing to act. Keep out the small things like going out to smoke with a coworker - but include how she is being unprofessional gossiping about you (as long as you have the facts) to her subordinates - or your colleagues - because that will have an impression on how you're being treated internally.
2. Start putting feelers out there for a new role. It can't hurt and finding that perfect job that checks most of your boxes isn't going to happen overnight. There are many companies with strong female leadership.
3. Look for a mentor outside of your role and/or company to help navigate these silly political issues. Your boss is trying to keep you down, and make sure that you know that. It'll really get to her when you don't let it bother you and be the bigger person. But remember - document document document and make sure you have a copy of that document in your email or on a USB.
Good luck! I'm sorry you're going through this.
Gretchen SkalkaOctober 25,2023 at 12:36PM UTC
I think the challenge here is not to look at this as a done deal in terms of the relationship.
And I know exactly how hard that is to do.
But you must - IF you want to stay in this particular job with this boss that you have (right now).
Things can always change, but right now, you are in a situation reporting to someone who is not your advocate or ally.
I might suggest approaching her tactfully and transparently and letting her know that you would like to try and start over and repair this relationship.
Invite her to partner with you to rewrite BOTH of your success stories.
Being able to compromise your positions of rightness/wrongness, negotiate terms of a new working relationship, create feedback loops with each other will not only help you build trust with each other and create a new dynamic but it will look HELLA GOOD in terms of your professionalism and overall career outlook.
These are hard things to do - but they ARE doable.
If you want them.
If she is unwilling to participate, then you have the option of asking for a mediator to come in and help repair the situation.
Her professional future will be impacted by her ability to navigate through this. You can't be a leader - or be trusted by others to BE in a leadership position - if people don't want to follow or work with you.
Selective leadership is not leadership - this will have ripple effects beyond you for her. She may not see that yet.
You can be an asset to her, but her ability to see that and be open to it depends almost entirely on your ability to influence her acceptance of the fact.
Again, this is difficult stuff.
Challenging interpersonal relationships are often treated as stay or go when the option of building anew goes overlooked.
If you like the work and you like the company and can see yourself growing here, doing this interpersonal work with her can grow an ENTIRE new toolbox of skills for you - and create positive lasting effects for other people, as well.
AnonymousOctober 25,2023 at 12:37PM UTC
What you have on your hands is a insecure, immature and toxic supervisor (boss) and it's not going to get any better, I assure you. At this point you should compile a very factual and straightforward timeline of events regarding your supervisor's actions, with substantiated proof of your claims if you have it available. Once completed request an appointment to speak with her Superior or your Personnel Department and bring forth your concerns, and documentation if available. If you do not get support from either of these venues, be prepared to start seeking other employment.
rgstaffing@bellsouth.netOctober 25,2023 at 12:59PM UTC
Start looking for a new job. It is not your dream job if you have the boss from hell.
AnonymousOctober 25,2023 at 1:09PM UTC
i don’t think it’s your dream job if the working relationship with your direct supervisor is toxic.
it honestly appears as though she feels threatened by you.
I’d start looking at other companies or other departments. It’s likely not going to ever get better (as long as you have to either report with her or work with her even indirectly. Going to HR is likely just going to put a bigger target on your back from them.
document everything you can and bow out.
AnonymousOctober 25,2023 at 1:25PM UTC
First I’m sorry this is happening, this is a horrible position to be in a nd I’m even sorrier that is women bullying you I have found that when I’m park with a group of women this happens a lot it sad and pathetic they see you as threat ,but tsince you love what you do and have relationships with other managers
would it be possible to get out of that department ? I would try to see if any positions are open or opening in the future
hr is a last resort especially if this manager has friends there you will be the one forced out
lastly look for another job life is too short if you can’t get into a different department
In the meantime try to find an outlet for your stress, meditation , deep breathing etc and this so their problem not yours try to let it go ( I know not easy) but do it for you your health
Joann S. LublinOctober 25,2023 at 1:54PM UTC
I also suggest you privately reach out to colleagues who have previously worked for this supervisor to get some guidance about how they dealt with her unprofessional behavior. You might try to find recently departed staffers for similar insights.
If advice suggest by other commentators doesn't suffice, you also should expand your network and expertise ahead of a formal job search by attending professional group meetings and taking some classes online. Good luck! Let us know how things go.
AnonymousOctober 25,2023 at 2:05PM UTC
As much as it hurt me to say this but here goes. Make friends with these people so they can create a path to get you to another level hopefully away from there.
AnonymousOctober 25,2023 at 2:12PM UTC
Wow.
What an insecure person she is. I don’t know that she can tell you not to respond to direct questions from whomever is in charge. And that undercuts you. From the public, sure, but internally? No, this is untenable, harmful to you personally and professionally, and unsustainable. My advice is that this needs to be confronted. With honesty - before you explode. You never want to go over your boss but in this case, your boss is not only abusive, but the opposite of what a boss should do - support and uplift direct reports. You need some serious strategy here on how to confront this mess. Go to a mentor you absolutely trust. She has gotten away with this because no one has challenged her. Is she respected? If so, she does not appear to have come by it honestly.
ps: Make sure you write/keep very specific notes on the inappropriate actions. Bullying is not illegal. Which is why careful strategy is needed here. Just because it is not illegal does not mean she can do anything she pleases. I am a c-level boss and if I behaved this way, I would not get away with it.
Veronica BentonOctober 25,2023 at 2:14PM UTC
I work in HR. I can only recommend that you document everything with dates, times and people involved and then present your case to HR. Keep copies of everything for your own records as well.
Donna RichardsonOctober 25,2023 at 2:20PM UTC
Unless the company sees your manager for how toxic she is and takes action, you will never get ahead there. Your health and your career matter too much to spend another minute there. Two years there should be enough to help you get a similar job with a better company and a manager who isn’t toxic. The fact that they turn a blind eye or make excuses for her bad behavior tells you a lot about the organization. Run!!
AnonymousOctober 25,2023 at 8:54PM UTC
I guess the only thing we can count on is change. Take care.
Terry CostelloOctober 26,2023 at 1:55AM UTC
Unfortunately you can’t change the work environment. The only thing you can change is your attitude towards your back stabbing boss and the whole work environment.
Go and find a place where your valued for what you bring to the table.
GOOD LUCK.
Communication CoachOctober 26,2023 at 3:04AM UTC
Dealing with ongoing chronic negativity is so difficult to manage. Support is helpful - and professional suggestions of attitude management on your behalf is very valuable. A supportive counselor would be very beneficial!
Stephanie LekowskiOctober 27,2023 at 3:26PM UTC
Get, Out, Now or ASAP. The fact that this is being tolerated is ridiculous. I just left a job after years of seeing great co-workers gaslighted, bullied, etc. Any job where this is tolerated is not a dream job, it's a nightmare!
AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 4:07PM UTC
Lots of good advice here already, but curious...Has the GM ever asked you why you don't respond to their messages, and your boss does instead? If I were your GM, I would've asked the very first time it happened. The GM messaged you, and not your boss. I would find it really weird to get a response from someone other than the person I reached out to, without some kind of explanation or context.
AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 6:04PM UTC
Exactly!