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Giving the same energy to mean girls at work?

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Anonymous

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Giving the same energy to mean girls at work? Hi everyone . Would love some advice. I’m in a leadership position where I’m one of three managers reporting to the VP ( our Director resigned for a different position almost a year ago but was never replaced). I’ve been in my current position since summer of 2021 but at the org for nearly 9 years. I work in a professional health care office setting. It’s a niche/highly specialized industry. I have earned local and national attention for my work and my teams’s (which I built from scratch) outcomes have exceeded expectations. The issue is that my fellow managers routinely give me the cold shoulder if/when I disagree with any decision they feel should be made by them. They go to the VP rather than speaking directly to me. During management meetings often they clearly decided outcomes/plans strategies together ( they share an office and are personal friends - note the office has plenty of empty offices and don’t need to share) and they don’t incorporate the needs of my team and/or negatively impact our entire department’s outcomes . They talk over me in meetings and hoard important information. They never publicly disagree with each other and always “vote” as a block on decisions. Their power is that both have been with the org for at least 7 years longer than me and use reputation damage skillfully as a weapon. Specifically, they say things like, “she’s good but she’s not a team player” which is poison in a workplace where your reputation is important. I spoke to my former director about it and she acknowledged their behavior but basically said that my outcomes and work style intimidate them, so I should try to make friends with them. Our VP is a mean girl herself who does the same stuff as the mean girls. She says my work is excellent but will always make me defend myself against whatever comment the mean girls make before even asking me about my perspective. Other departments recognize it as well. The last week was the final straw for me when one refused to sit next to me during an all staff meeting, but told me to move to an empty chair so one could sit by the door. It was like being in Jr, High and I’m done. I’m not going to leave this over 150k per year job for them, but I’m done with this. HR is not an option. My VP is not an option. I just want strategies from others who have dealt with mean girls like this without losing their minds. I will always be professional and ethical, but I’m finally at the point that I want to make it clear that I’m not going to keep being their target. Any advice?

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  1. Anonymous

    This is a tough situation. I would say keep meticulous notes of everything that’s occurring, you may need it. Why is HR not an option? Sometimes, it takes reporting something like this to HR, to get a breather, even if you think that they won’t do anything about it. You’d be surprised.

  2. Cyndy Trivella

    HR is there to protect the company. If the manager’s and VP’s behavior is a pending lawsuit or a situation that will cast a shadow on the company, HR will get involved. It doesn’t sound from the OP’s comment that this is a legal matter. It sounds more like a cultural disaster.

  3. Anonymous

    It comes down to your ability to bridge the gap and make diplomatic progress

    This is a leadership issue and your ability to navigate "mean" girls is paramount to your growth as a leader not a worker bee. This is what sets leaders apart.

    You must find olive branches to offer, set your personality aside and find a way to work with them. Yes this will be difficult but you say you have enjoyed success in building a career so you cant find this overwhelming. But politics are politics and you must rise to each occasion with skill, EQ and finesse. Your post details your role in the fray. You must find ways to celebrate their agenda, exploit opportunities to align with these other leaders as an ally. You don't get thrown by someone asking you to trade seats. I mean really? Instead, you offer your seat. You make public gestures. It's a ridiculous waste of your time to get thrown by little minds and puts you on a lower level than you want to be. So if you want to stay and enjoy a very long and safe career and maintain your reputation and grow in your influence and leadership, you will need to change your mindset and get out of the trenches with these people and do some work growing beyond thus group. Stop the mean girl scenario. You dont need to embrace the silliness. Find ways to accommodate them rather then fight them on votes. It's important you cast your gaze a bit higher and truly see this as an opportunity for you to grow out of this small and very narrow role. Don't get too comfortable fighting fir a mid level position. Learn how to rise above the petty and focus on being a leader and not fighting it out with the followers. You should be aiming for a Directors role. No one will ever see you in that leadership position unless you understand it first and position yourself there.

  4. Anonymous

    Thanks for the advice. I actually tried nearly all of the suggestions you made over the past six months. I was given a highly visible role on a org wide initiative. I led the initiative AND did my job responsibilities. Things got better when they ( my manager and VP) thought I would be leaving the team to do that role full time. When it was clear that I would not be leaving the department for a role that was both unfulfilling and not organizationally valued, the mean girl behavior resumed. It’s not just about someone sitting next to me, it’s the effort to prevent me from having information and resources. Thanks for helping me see that even better.

  5. Anonymous

    I suggest you embrace leadership rather than leaving your satisfaction and comfort to others.

  6. Anonymous

    OP, I hope that you are able to find a similar or better role elsewhere.

    You shouldn’t be forced out, but you have too much to offer to be hemmed in at your current company.

    If your personal circumstances allow, consider new geographies — leverage your national recognition.

    Or if you must stay local, is it possible for you to shift into an allied industry in a similar role?

  7. Anonymous

    I agree that OP should seek a director level position elsewhere. OP should be celebrated, not held back.

  8. Anonymous

    If other departments recognize the circumstances and see your value perhaps it's time to consider changing departments when a position opens. Let the mean girls have each other. Walk on with your head held high.

  9. Anonymous

    there’s a very good chance mean girls do not change it’s like a cancer.

    If its intolerable, a transfer is your first option, if you love what you’re doing and the company you work at.

    for.

  10. Anonymous

    Find the weak link and become her invaluable friend.

  11. Anonymous

    Do things to build your confidence so you don't let these girls keep getting the best of you.

  12. Anonymous

    Thanks

  13. Anonymous

    I'm so sorry. It sounds extremely toxic. I'd say move on before it harms your self-esteem or you act unprofessionally.

    It will be difficult - especially since it's a niche area and you're relatively senior. So it may take a while. Get a support system in place. Network in your industry.

    In the meantime, stay professional. You're above that pettiness, and you know it. Do your job well.

    (Ok, it's a bit petty, but make it hard for them to replace you. Make them sorry you left.)

    While you're looking... Don't put a lot of time into it, but in the meantime consider if there's any way you could look more like a "team player". Can you get your plans out before they put out their unified front? Do you have plans that could help them too, so they'd obviously be hurting themselves and the organization by turning them down?

    Best wishes!

  14. Anonymous

    I’ve tried being a team player. They don’t have to work with me because our VP provides them with projects and information that I don’t hear until after decisions are made. When I ask questions, I seem like I’m second guessing things. They are the problem, but it really starts with the VP.

  15. Anonymous

    If it starts with the VP - your management - you need to get out of there. Even if you do a wonderful job of handling these mean girls, the VP will just create more.

  16. Cyndy Trivella

    Oh girl, you need to find strength in numbers. Gather your allies (posse) and integrate their help. I’m not a betting person, but if I were, I bet you are not the only person they are mobbing. People who act this way generally take it to the next level and spread their toxicity around the workplace. For example, people in these meetings see and hear what’s going on, even if they are not reacting; they are aware. Food for thought: During the next meeting, stand your ground and do not relocate your seat. If one of them persists, tell her in a professional manner, to please sit down as she is disrupting the meeting. If they bark orders to you, tell them you are taking notes, but will be following up with them to confirm their directive/request and you need them to respond or will not be able to move forward. Further, anytime they discuss work duties, your team, your work, tell them from now on you need to have everything in writing via email. Make it clear that anything they need from your team needs to funnel through you and you will consider their request. Oh, and make it clear, all communications need to transpire via email. This sends the message that you are assembling their communications and they are now on watch. Start to form strong bonds with leaders in other departments and build your bench strength. If there is anyone you can confide in at work, do so. This person may be able to bring in his/her network. Again strength in numbers. It’s amazing that some people bring their sophomoric behavior into adulthood. You won’t change them but you can certainly put guardrails in place to protect yourself. Good luck!

  17. Anonymous

    Thank you!!

  18. Anonymous

    We teach people how to treat us. Practice some phrases so they come easily. Asked to move…no, thanks, I’m comfortable sitting here.

    someone talks over you in a meeting… as I was saying or Mary I was talking and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t interrupt.

    ond of the best examples of this I’ve seen was in the VP debates when Kamala Harris wouldn’t let Mike Pence mow over her, “i am speaking” was a great technique.

    As far as defending yourself to the VP, turn it around. The next time it happens, stop talking. Let there be an uncomfortable silence. And then say something like… You know Mary, I think I’ve proven myself and my work ethic and abilities. Quite frankly I’m getting tired of being asked about comments made about me. Isn’t it getting old for you, too? Give some examples. Every time this happens it turns out that either I didn’t do what you’re being told about or that there was good reason for my actions. How can we stop this distraction?

  19. Rebecca Milliken

    Focus on your team and your job. I know this sounds hard, but do not let yourself be sucked into a game. If they are not in charge of you; if they cannot fire you; ignore them. Work with them when you have to. You know by now what you are dealing with so you should be able to work around their issues.

    I have dealt with this kind of situation before. This is how I see it now (and I can't say I handled it well when I was younger): if you allow them to bully you; if you complain about them to your VP; if you keep letting them get to you, you will be seen by others as the same as they are. People will just think that all three of you are squabbling mean girls.

    Don't be like them. Be above that behavior by focusing on what you have to do for your job. If someone wants you do switch seats, just do it with no comment or complaint. If someone tries to undermine you, don't address it unless you have to--the proof is in the pudding, not in what someone who doesn't like you tries to say.

    If you intimidate them, that's their problem, not yours.

    If you are good at your job and your team and your work is recognized, that's what should be important to you. They are just gnats buzzing around.

    If you need to work WITH them on anything, just do what you have to. Compromise when it doesn't matter and pick your battles when it does.

  20. Anonymous

    Thank you for this good advice.

  21. Anonymous

    Professional jealousy and toxicity is what you are dealing with and the only solution is poison them with happiness. If you just stay positive and be your usual kind self and then at 5 or whenever you leave, pull the plug and not think about them at all till the next work day you can survive this. As an alternative break them apart and individually find out what the issues are - be direct and blunt and then work up a solution with them all in total. Neither will be easy but it sure sounds like you are a smart person who is doing great work and that is what you should focus on and not let them gaslight you on this menial nonsense.

  22. Anonymous

    Thank you for this good advice.

  23. Anonymous

    I have been in your exact position and I was the HR person. A group of total mean girl managers who didn't respect anything I said and went over my head if they disagreed with my advice. And they were part of the leadership team, which made things even worse.

    I eventually left because the environment was so toxic and my manager (also HR), despite her best efforts, couldn't break through their mean girl power hold over the office/site.

    I don't know what you can really do other than report it either to HR or to maybe your ethics hotline, if you have one. But honestly that might make things worse.

  24. Anonymous

    I was HR Director and had been very close to the owners who thought I could do no wrong. They knew who I was a heart and had changed the view of management with the employees and had built a great team. After the first men was hired after I had been there a year and a half, she started the gaslighting. I knew it was happening but I felt that I could hold my own due to my reputation and status with the owners. The new manager was promoted to COO, once that happened I didn't have a prayer. She systematically put wedges between me and the owners. I was naïve and thought I could stand strong, which I did for about 6 months. All of the sudden things started to turn and she went full speed ahead with the narcistic behavior and gaslighting. Before I knew it I was let go for no reason. She even had them bring in an attorney to tell me my services were no longer needed. Through the two years of working with her I played nice. After I was left go I heard from many of the staff, including a male spiritual leader who was literally in tears and a male ARNP who was stunned. On top of all that I had turned 65 the month before I was terminated. It has been a horrible experience and very hard to get back on my feet - lots of emotional stuff, shame and low self esteem. I wish I would have responded in another way then being the nice girl and basically letting her reek havoc in my life. I am working again finally and feel I am in a great place emotionally as well as with my job.

    I didn't want to make this about me but wanted you to know that the mean girls are horrific. Time will tell what happens with Karma.

    All the best!! Hold your head high and know that sometimes things change direction.

  25. Anonymous

    The above should have said "after the first mean girl was hired"

  26. Anonymous

    I understand that you don’t want to walk away from $150,000 per year and I don’t think that you should be forced to do this in light of your excellent performance. You should exit, if you choose to do so, under your own terms.

    As long as you stay at your current company, the best thing that you can do is psychologically insulate yourself from the mean girls. Remain (or become) emotionally distant with the mean girls (be pleasant and professional, do your job, engage with them as little as possible), don’t let the mean girls goad you, and expect that shared decisions generally won’t go your way.

    As far as your team is concerned, does it have to be bound by the same criteria/policies/budget as the two “mean girl” units? Can the VP (or a new director) be encouraged to differentiate? If your team is doing different or better work than the two other units, shouldn’t management and budget decisions be modified to reflect this? If this is a possibility, try to make sure that the criteria used to evaluate your team shows you/your team to best advantage and secures you/your team needed budget and resources.

    You say that your excellent work and that of your team has been recognized locally and nationally. Would you be willing to move to another organization doing similar work? Would your clients and team be willing to follow you?

    I hope that you’ll seek out new opportunities while your reputation and results are strong. You deserve to work for an organization that values you and treats you well.

  27. Crystal Howell

    Shop your team with all the awards, articles etc. that you and your team has done, and move on to better company. You are all a package deal and negotiate a great deal! Healthcare with caring people are needed!

  28. Anonymous

    You need to just call them out publicly in a nice way. If they cut you off in a meeting, just state, "Before I was cut off, I was saying..." and if they do it again, "I would like the same opportunity to speak, please. It's only respectful."

    Basically, use your intellect to shame them. You ARE better than them. The thing is, when you're better than others, you are usually NICER LOL! It's proven...

    You can do that and embrace that you will need to have more gladiator style approach or you will need to get a new job. My hunch is they likely sense some insecurities from you and because YOU OUTSHINE them, they try to put you down in that way. Stay strong.

  29. Anonymous

    I know this is hard, but, try and focus on yourself and show yourself as a strong, confident person. Ignore the bullying and don't move to that seat. If their behavior doesn't "land" with you, they'll learn to find someone else to focus on. Also, start looking for another position not in their world.

  30. Anonymous

    I am in the same boat. But I decided to take the high road and beat them at their own game. Never let anyone run you out of your job. I have spent time learning all I can and let them run their mouths. I only speak now when I know I can back it up. As for them speaking over you, that has happened more often then I can tell you. I finally said, "excuse me, I would be happy to hear your thoughts after I can articulate mine". They were shocked, but shut up.

  31. Anonymous

    As women we seek approval all the time. The mean girls know you want their approval. How can you grounded in yourself and work on how to remain compassionate towards the mean girls and mostly yourself? Seek a coach who does work on leadership. Check out a mind body coach that can work with you on a somatic level.

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