Can your boss speak to you anyway they want?

39 Comments

1. Andrea WeathersbyJanuary 11,2024 at 7:09AM UTC

   should not but some due

2. AnonymousJanuary 11,2024 at 8:56AM UTC

   Anyone can speak to you in any way they feel like. The fact that most people have some level of decorum means they moderate how they interact with you. Therefore, the minimum level of respect from a boss is the basic level of decency that you'd expect from a stranger in the street - if you don't receive that then there's a problem. Work is the exchange of your time for money - the more valuable your time is the more they pay - you should not be expected to sacrifice anything else.

3. AnonymousJanuary 11,2024 at 12:29PM UTC

   Your limit is action. NOT HR, looking elsewhere. Had a boss once overloaded me to the extent of THREE department leads plus what I was hired to do. I was working ot (salaried) and I got cussed out after a stressful month. Started looking elsewhere, and gave notice.

   He was agitated I didn't ASK for his permission to leave!!! HR was angry at me as well because THEY had to recruit others

4. Monette AndersonJanuary 11,2024 at 4:34PM UTC

   I believe you teach people how to treat you. I’ve had bosses that I’ve seen speak to other people a way they would never speak to me. DESC scripts and Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office is a good place to start on setting boundaries for yourself and dealing with bad behavior. I’ll say this, no boss of mine can speak to me anyway they want (I also work for a company that demonstrates a culture of respect). I’ve experienced this from an upper colleague who was not my direct boss but was senior leadership. In the moment I’d stay calm and collected and not reactive but would call him afterward to talk it out and explain why I felt the behavior was not appropriate or that he hadn’t taken the time to get my side of the situation. He became my biggest advocate and cheerleader and did change how he spoke to me.

5. AnonymousJanuary 12,2024 at 6:58AM UTC

   There are limits. It is illegal to harass an employee on the basis of race, sex, ethnicity, religion or sexual preference. Harassment includes inappropriate remarks directed at an employee.

   While other comments might not be legally prohibited, good bosses know that employees should be spoken to and treated with respect.

   If a manager is not treating you with respect, establish boundaries, find another job or resign.

6. AnonymousJanuary 12,2024 at 2:06PM UTC

   It is my understanding that people will treat you the way you allow them to. Boss' included.

   When I was promoted to supervisor, one of my supervisors in another department was really bitter. He said something to one of my employees that since I had taken my "throne" that he didn't like me anymore (my office sits overlooking a warehouse). Well my employee came straight to me and told me. My bitter/petty behind got on Amazon. I ordered a replica Queens crown and wore it to our meeting two days later. He couldn't look at me. It took about 3 weeks but he apologized to me.

   I had a boss once when I started working in the warehouse. The weather was bad and no one showed up except me. He made the comment that he needed real help. I got my stuff and left. He called and asked what my problem was. I told him if I wasn't real help, I didn't need to be there. That fixed that.

   They legally can be aholes but if they want to keep their people, they should treat you like a human.

7. AnonymousJanuary 12,2024 at 2:52PM UTC

   Not a boss, but a coworker. He was needling me in a staff meeting, which went too far. I slammed my hands on the table and told him to "Shut the f--- up." The room went silent until our boss said, "Well said." That told everybody there I wasn't a shrinking violet and wasn't going to take that type of crap.

8. KellyW43January 12,2024 at 3:37PM UTC

   No. But a few will try. This is what it comes down to. Some people in higher positions feel like you should respect them because of the position. But the only way to get respect is to treat people with respect.

   You may respect the position, but not the person. When a person in upper management speak with you in a disrespectful way constantly, it's time to report them to HR or find another position.

9. AnonymousJanuary 14,2024 at 1:29PM UTC

   What if when a person does report a boss’ rude and aggressive behavior to HR , HR’s response is “ that’s just the way they are “ ?

10. KellyW43January 15,2024 at 10:02PM UTC

    You can speak with the boss about how they treat you, but if they don't take it well and keep on doing it, make sure you are documenting. How they spoke with you. It's harassment and if HR doesn't do anything about it, then maybe the EEOC will. You can report him to them. They will do an investigation and will file a case on your behalf. It won't cost you anything.

    I would find another position before going that far though. Even though there are laws against retaliation, the company will do it.

11. BellaJanuary 12,2024 at 4:52PM UTC

    "Be careful what you tolerate. You are teaching people how to treat you."

    This applies to ANY person, from a CEO to a janitor.

12. AnonymousJanuary 12,2024 at 5:29PM UTC

    Unfortunately....yes. But just because you are given shit, does not mean we are required to take it.

    I worked as an assistant for a guy, K, who needed to speak to another person I also supported, S. K was asking me to move the time we had already set up because he needed to leave for the airport at the original time now, which, of course, was totally valid. I said "let me check in with S before moving, because S had asked me to specifically not schedule anything in this time block." That set him off for some reason. He said, and I quote: "Just f*cking do it."

    I said, "Excuse me?"

    K said: "You heard me" and then hung up on me. And then, a bit later later, when I was bringing something to another partner's office, I overheard him saying something nasty about me one of the other guys. I was shocked, because it was so unlike him, but then...I was furious. We’d always had a good relationship prior to this incident, chatting about baseball, politics, etc., while keeping a good working relationship. We were opposites on the spectrum in every way, but always had fun debating.

    I didn’t speak to him outside of work-related matters for over a week. He called me in and asked why I was so cold all of a sudden - where was my gloating over the latest Red Sox win over the Yankees?? I took a big chance and said, “You’re kidding me, right? You want me to come in here and tease you about baseball after the way you spoke to me, and what you said to other person? I know you think I didn’t hear that, but I did, and it was hurtful and completely uncalled for. And you have yet to apologize - really apologize - to me for either one. I realize that you were having a bad day, but you do not get to speak to me, or anyone else like that. I might be your assistant, but I am NOT your punching bag.”

    I left him with his jaw on the floor, and later that day, he really apologized to me. I don’t think we ever got back to before, but at least it was something.

13. Stephanie Branch LekowskiJanuary 13,2024 at 2:51PM UTC

    Good for you!

14. AnonymousJanuary 12,2024 at 5:47PM UTC

    No, they cannot they cannot defame, disparage, sexually harass, or taunt you. If you experience any behavior that is in the category of illegal, report it.

15. AnonymousJanuary 12,2024 at 8:34PM UTC

    Legally? There are specific circumstances in which they can't say specific types of things.

    Otherwise, they can do what they want, and if they are supported by their boss in being rude or condescending or counterproductive, the whole organization is toxic and you need to go!

16. AnonymousJanuary 13,2024 at 1:28PM UTC

    Basically, yes. Could it be considered illegal or harassment? Yes, but that won't stop them.

    Think about how society is now. People feel it is their right to speak freely without consequences.

17. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 10:07AM UTC

    Look at Trump!

18. AnonymousJanuary 13,2024 at 2:50PM UTC

    Not unless you allow it. Just because someone is paying you a salary does NOT give them the right to treat you less than human, which unfortunately too many have been allowed to do for decades, due to wrongful mindset of employees in older generations (I'm a GenXer) and the acceptance of verbal violence in certain industries.

19. Colleen HansonJanuary 13,2024 at 7:48PM UTC

    I had a boss, also the owner of the company, consistently call us f**king idiots, f**king stupid, b*tches, etc. He would scream, yell, slam doors, name call, etc. constantly. One employee was so scared of him and how he would react that she came into the office after spending the night in the hospital from a miscarriage. In my opinion he was a narcissistic pig with "little man syndrome". I watched one of the male employees stand up to him and tell him he was not going to tolerate being spoken to that way he literally ran to his office, closed and locked the door, and called the police claiming he had been threatened. He was a real piece of work. I live in a right to work state so basically there was no recourse other than to find another job.

20. Yasu TalodinJanuary 14,2024 at 1:35PM UTC

    He sounds like Louis De Palma (if you don't know who that is, go watch Taxi on Pluto TV). My scheming mind tells me that everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) should go out to lunch at the same time for 2 to 3 hours and then come back and let him know imagine if that happen tomorrow morning. All of the f**cking idiots leaving at the same time. "I'm sure you won't miss us because we're all f**cking idiots and bitch@s, right? Got a plan on how you're going to run your company with NO butts in seats for a while"? Then start looking for another job.

21. Colleen HansonJanuary 16,2024 at 7:28PM UTC

    I am no longer employed there. I do know that there were instances where he would not pay us on time, he always blamed the payroll company. I found out after the second time of this happening that it was because he had not submitted the payroll on time (the second time he submitted it the day after payday). BUT, he screwed up at one point and literally told us he was not paying us until he got paid on a big job that was at that point outstanding. He told us it could be a day, a week or a month and that he had no money. I kept the books, so I knew that he was getting paid. I called the State and they told me to file a claim for unpaid wages if I did not get paid. Two of us went to his office and let him know that we would be filing claims against him because we were tired of not being paid on time. Lo and behold we were both paid that day, by personal check, from his other business account (that account had enough to pay us 10 times over, so he was not "without money" to pay us as he had claimed). The guy was just a weasel who treated his employees like doormats. My co-worker immediately started looking for a new job and left a month later. I left two months after she did, leaving him with only one employee at our location. He couldn't understand why no one wanted to work there and was dumbfounded!

22. Jami FarkasJanuary 15,2024 at 2:22PM UTC

    Right to work has to do with unions. That's it. It has nothing to do with your ability to get a job. Maybe you're thinking of "at will" but that just means that you or the company can decide to part ways at any time, for any reason.

23. AnonymousJanuary 14,2024 at 1:31PM UTC

    If you let them.... Read that again.... You deserve to be respected

24. NikkiJanuary 14,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

    I had a boss who was really harsh when she was really stressed. She was great every other time, so I learned that when she spoke rudely, or her emails were awful that she was under a lot of pressure and I did what I could to help determine the source of the stress and help reduce it. She was human like anyone else, and a lot of people quit because of that, I worked hard to understand it and it earned me a promotion. I agree, if it had been personal I wouldn’t have let that happen, but humans sometimes react differently under pressure. Taking that advice has gotten me countless of promotions and helped me see the people behind the communication better too.

25. Annalise MJanuary 14,2024 at 5:17PM UTC

    Called "managing up." Probably very unfair that people have to do this sometimes but also a reality...and sometimes the person is just so toxic that you can't do that either and there are not that many good options for remedying, which is why sometimes people just leave.

26. AnonymousJanuary 14,2024 at 2:34PM UTC

    No, your boss cannot speak to you anyway they want! Some may try, but do not allow this behavior. I did and I was not sure how to handle it. It was quite degrading. I ended up getting a therapist, and after 2 years of being promoted y family and others, and my therapist, I reported the manager to HR 2 times within a period of a few months. I felt horrible for doing it, but I couldn’t take the verbal abuse any longer.

    And let me say, I am an older female in a male dominated field with the same degrees that the men have, but dismissed and to expected to attend meetings but not heard” in meetings.

27. Nancy BauerJanuary 14,2024 at 6:21PM UTC

    No, you are a human being and you deserve respect from other human beings. There are also workplace rules, local, state and federal laws preventing speech that creates a "hostile workplace".

28. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEJanuary 14,2024 at 8:38PM UTC

    What do you mean? Did he/she raise their voice to you? Are they disrespectful? Does your employer have a Code of Conduct Handbook? If yes, have you read it? Have you read your Employee Handbook? Have you reached out to HR?

    With over 30 years in the business world, I have seen a lot. Including managers who lack "diplomacy " and workers who think that they should be treated with "kid gloves."

    We all deserve to be treated with respect.

29. Bradford McCormickJanuary 14,2024 at 9:40PM UTC

    Anybody can speak to anyody any way they want. Depending on the power configuration and the audience response, the consequences may vary.

    If your manager says things which ar not respectful to you, if you absolutely positively need the job to keep from being homeless, you may have to eat it.

    Under less extreme conditions you can very politely respond that you feel he (she, other) is being inappropariate and to plase show civil decency. H if continues you can ind=form him you are goin to report him to HR. IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT AND BE DISRESPECTFUL BACK. THINK WHAT YOU WANT AND KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, even if you do not need the job. Always respond with concerns for the impact of his behavior on the company, not on you. You do not matter; your emplyer's business success or failures matters very much, so keep to the high ground.

    That said, once it got to the point between me and my boss that I memorized the corporate security phone number incase he physically assaulted me. It only got as far as huim threatening to call the medical department because I wa mentally ill. Wow! I was immediately on teh stairs down to medical before he could make good on his threat. It all ended in akind of standoff, but I got several weeks mental health time off with pay and the corporate psychiatrist gave me a journal articla for my dissertation.

    Another time a manager threatened me (well, he did not consider it a threat but I did) that he and his technical toadie wer going to have a "review" of my work. I flat out told m=hum that "I would accept specific criticisms of my work but I woud not be ground up". He cancelled th review and my work shipped unreviewed. Iwa svery risky work for the company and this kind of thing did not normally happen. Bu it did. How could I pull this off? Becaue I was competent ot do the work and I jsut stood on facts. But if I wastrying to put 3 kids through college I might not have responded that way.

    In general: Require that everybody from the janitor to the CEO treat you with respect and you treat them with respect too, ESPeCIALLY if they do not deserve it. As I believe it was Martin Luther famously said: "Her I stand; I cn do no other."

    And watch out for bad people. I think here once the wsa a lady whose bos was doing somethig to her and I forget the detaila but it was some task that she nobody could or should do and she was busting her you-know-what to try to do it and in extreme distress -- and it turned out to be a TRICK to see if he could fool her. Needless to say, she was empkloyed in the wrong company.

30. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 10:05AM UTC

    The short answer is, of course.
    It’s whether or not your company will reward that behavior, or if there would be consequences for the offender.

    Be aware, however, that there is a lot that is outside of your control. It’s probable that your company may have inept management, and that this rude person will not receive the proper consequences. Definitely always speak respectfully in no matter how you’re spoken to. Try to stand up for yourself in a professional manner, and say “ you may not be aware that when you spoke to me a moment ago, it quite surprised me, because it was not in keeping with what I would’ve expected… were you aware that it was pretty hostile?”

    You have probably read many threads on this website about hostile work environments and toxic companies. This is the type of thing we are speaking about. Many people are disrespectful to each other and absolutely get away with it every single day.

    Try to be strong. You could try to put your notes in writing and send it to HR, but HR works for the company not for you. Their job is to protect the manager not you. Don’t be naïve and thinking they’re there to help YOU. If you escalated to HR expect to have a fight on your hands.

31. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 1:26PM UTC

    They can. But it doesn't mean you have to take it. I walked away from a lucrative job because I didn't like the way my boss communicated with me. It stinks having no money, but I feel better mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

32. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 1:50PM UTC

    No. No. No. First, is the way they speak to you based on a protected category? Are they rude or harassing based on gender or race? That's an EEO complaint. Second, see what the company rules are. If you work for the government, they can not. After being low-key bullied and micromanaged by my boss for over ten years, my blood pressure skyrocketed and I filed a complaint. It came to a screeching halt. If you work at a place that condones this kind of behavior, make sure they know about it when you're on your way out (if you choose another job). Training and replacing people costs time and money, and they need to know why they are doing it. Don't just leave quietly.

33. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

    In the US, there are no works councils.

    Unless you have a union, you have no advocate.
    So Public sector, employees need to understand, your manager and coworkers can and will speak to you any way that is condoned and modelled from above. A company will either reward it or ignore it. Let's be direct and honest here, there is really nothing you can do to prevent it. You can only chose to act your way in the face of it. Even raising it has a price it, does come back on you. HR only supports the company from legal risk. If you don't care for this"REAL culture", YOU must be at choice. It's employment at will. Vote with your feet or accept that it us so. Acceptance, isn't agreeing, it's acknowledging what is and learn to cope within that world or opt out. Leaving silently is best to keep your reputation intact. They will and do talk about you before and when you leave. The situation does get shared in networks. There is nothing you will tell the company, that they don't already know. Its ok that a place just is not a fit for your needs.

34. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 2:35PM UTC

    Circumstances of loud mouth no filter leaders are everywhere. You are so right! Arrogant leaders are out there, they are empowered, hostile, lack filters, lack emotional intelligence and they are condescending and insulting. If you can, please think of yourself, hold your head high, find a new job and leave. You may feel better physically as well as emotionally. Best of luck!

35. Sam hammackJanuary 15,2024 at 9:01PM UTC

    I voted with my feet.

36. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 9:15PM UTC

    I am part of a union and unfortunately, even being a union member doesn't protect us from our bosses speaking to us condescendingly unless they're cussing you out, saying things to you that are discriminatory in nature according to HR and/or throwing angry tantrums.
    I've personally brought something of this nature this to my union reps attention in regard to my manager general attitude toward myself and other colleagues. It isn't taken seriously unless you have definitive proof of improprieties falling under discrimination laws.

37. Candace PriceJanuary 15,2024 at 3:30PM UTC

    Of course an individual can choose to speak to anyone however they deem appropriate at the time - however, that individual has no control over the reaction their tone and words provoke from others. My personal beliefs are that we accept the things we feel we are worthy of and that we never know what someone else is going through. I would like to use those values to respond to disrespect with kindness, yet I fully accept that in some cases that may not be possible.

38. AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 11:36PM UTC

    I think it really depends on the overall relationship, and circumstances on whether you have any rights. You have to make sure you're back is covered. For example I've worked around very clannish settings that the best thing to do is walk away. What might you expect if your complaint gets deemed as a petty argument. Retaliation can be expected from bully coworkers and most of the time they come back with lies and vengeance.

39. Janet ParkhurstJanuary 20,2024 at 5:59AM UTC

    No. Not in a decent company with a professional atmosphere. Never let anyone disrespect you. Object politely, but strenuously. I had a boss once who "got used to" being able to bully and abuse subordinates--until I came along. His tactic was to pull a tantrum in front of everybody if he was unhappy with something. MY tactic was to politely tell him I'd be happy to discuss his upset feelings when he calmed down and spoke to me as a decent, mature human being. He never raised his voice to me again, and we worked together quite harmoniously until I left. NOT due to him--simply a better job opportunity. Always stand up for yourself. Otherwise, no one will respect you.