How do you regain confidence and power through?

Anonymous

January 8,2024 at 3:20PM UTC

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How do you regain confidence and power through? I work in the hospitality industry and in the past couple of years (since covid) its been not great. My first actual management role was in December 2020. I had applied for the supervisor role but based on my experience and my interview, I was offered the department leader position. I didn't hide that I didn't have much leadership experience and they were aware of that. There were definite growing pains but, overall, it wasn't terrible until the end. A new GM was hired and between April to August there were 11 managers (myself included) who were either fired or left. I left because the GM seemed to be replacing people with his friends or former co-workers and things weren't getting better.

I took another job at another hotel in a similar role. For a while there was no GM and there was not a lot of leadership or direction. When a GM was hired, they tried to be everyone's friend but there still wasn't much leadership. There was a lot of gossip. I had been told things by my GM about other managers that I should not have known. I would never gossip and never passed around what I had been told, but I did find out that he or the AGM had said something about me to someone. No one else knew that information so I called corporate HR. That was a Friday. The following Monday my job had been eliminated. I was asked if I would work out two weeks or leave on the spot. I pride myself on my professionalism (and I needed the paycheck) so I said I would stay on. I was lucky to get a call within hours of that for a new job in a new city. I did not like the crime in that city and was tired of being woken by nearby gunshots. I had hope that a new city would be good for me and my career.

I've been at this company since April of last year and it has felt so abusive that I had thought about jumping off my building in a dark moment. I hadn't realized I was so depressed that I would think that. I was terrified and basically made emergency calls to find a therapist within 48 hours. I've been seeing the therapist for a couple of months and I'm in a better mental and emotional place. My therapist has said that my work place seems toxic, especially because there is a lot of negativity (and actual yelling) from my GM. My first meeting with him he said that the hotel had failed 2 previous audits and if we failed a 3rd time he "wasn't going down alone."

I've started looking at jobs, but I am not feeling confident in myself any longer. I'm working through that with my therapist, but it's still a struggle more than 48 hours after our weekly sessions. I don't want to stay in hospitality because the past couple of years have just torn me down. It doesn't seem like a good fit any longer. I just don't feel I have skills outside of hospitality that anyone would want to hire me for, I worry that I'm the problem so anywhere I go is just going to be another bad situation because I'm the only thing in common with the past few jobs, and all of the jobs that I look at in my budget seem to be in customer service and I'm to the point of disliking the general public or they're things I wouldn't qualify for. I have enough student loan debt so I don't know if it would be worth it to try and get certifications that I might not use outside that job. I've looked at several job boards and not heard back from many jobs or been rejected. My therapist and friends have said it can be a hard market and it's not just me.

So, how do you stay positive in a job that severely depresses you (to the point you're on medication)? How do you regain confidence in yourself when you're constantly told that you're not doing well enough (although there's no actual direction and attempts to create direction are shot down)? How do you sell yourself in an interview when you struggle to find value in yourself at your job beyond being a warm body?

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AnonymousJanuary 8,2024 at 4:54PM UTC
I understand where you I coming from. I had a job similar to the first one you described.
Im not sure what your actual role was but here are some things you could consider:
hospitality is all about customer service (yes, people can be annoying) so this experience could transfer to retail. If you worked at a fancy restaurant with high-end clientele you could probably look at retail jobs in that same market which pay higher than others.
Did you do any of the ordering- either food,/bev, supplies, small wares? If so, you could look at working at distributors in those areas. Even if you didn’t, it may still be worth trying. Just having knowledge of how a restaurant works might be helpful.
Dont beat yourself up. It is a tough business with a high burnout rate. That was my only job in a restaurant (it was in a unique division that was connected to my typical industry). Even if that type of opportunity ever came up again I don’t think I’d give it another shot. None of the managers I worked with are there anymore and karma fired the GM. Many of the former managers either left the restaurant biz altogether or pivoted to related areas. You are not alone.
Continue to take care of your mental health, that’s the most important thing!
AnonymousJanuary 8,2024 at 6:09PM UTC
Hello: I will try to give you a response to your questions. (1) To stay positive in a job that depresses you - Celebrate any and all successes as first. This can be a mental yay or looking at a nice scenic picture in a web search. It should be something quick. You are trying to acknowledge any positives you get and continually feed yourself that you have joy in your life. This may be even if you have to force the positive items yourself. It can be something like - your car started in the morning. (2) Regain Confidence. Focus on what you know you did well. Create a log (I use 30 min increments in a spiral notebook). This shows that you are doing things. Just general items such as "Work Planning" or "Working on ESD spreadsheet" would be enough. It is more as a daily reminder of what you accomplished so you know you are of value to the company. Be sure to add meeting times as well to keep you focused. (adding a daily status will also protect you if people say you are not doing anything - daily status is different than the log mentioned). Daily status gives the option to copy paste if needed to back up your statements to management with facts. I had to use such daily status in the past - someone told management that I was not doing my just. Pulled multiple months of daily status entries, cleaned it up and sent to management. The other person got scolded for being incorrect. (3) Selling yourself when you do not value yourself. You need to remember that the members of FairyGodBoss are excellent people and appreciate you as a member. Remember this when you go into interviews that you have a group of people pulling for you. Hope this helps.
Tami CannizzaroJanuary 8,2024 at 8:33PM UTC
Hey there! I'm sorry you've had a rough time. It's easy for me to say "don't be hard on yourself" yet that's not productive. First, in terms of finding a different job/industry - look at your specific skills when understanding what will translate. As someone else pointed out, Hospitality is heavy customer-service and translates to a wide-variety of areas, including retail, health care, insurance, to name a few. Yet what do you consider yourself good at? (please don't think about what the GM's said about your work - what do YOU think you're good at?) Are you best at managing a project with outside vendors? Are you good at handling upset customers? Did you help train new hires? Did you manage people? Are you good with numbers and budgets? Did you order all the supplies and keep the place in stock? You know, think about all the 'stuff' you did. Those are things to consider. Then - and this may sound nuts but hear me out - please consider volunteering your time to the non-profit of your choice. They need you and your skills, even if it's helping to stuff boxes or serve food. You will feel so needed and rewareded because they are happy to have you. It's a real boost to feel wanted - and may be what you need right now. AND you may be networking with other volunteers who could be helpful in finding your next opportunity - added bonus.
AnonymousJanuary 8,2024 at 8:54PM UTC
What I have found works wonders is beyond all the great advice offered on job specific ares below, is to focus on building your personal life to fuel your confidence.
We can fall into a trap thinking its all work related and begins and ends with those efforts and that you have no control. And that my friend is completely not true. Your confidence, self esteem and sense of worth can be repaired, strengthened, built-up and rekindled where it can serve every aspect of you and your life. By building a strong sense of self and and an amazing life that you share with the wirld, you create a basis/foundation for a broad perspective of your value and place in the world. Your confidence and autonomy will provide you a shield of satisfaction and deep peace knowing who you are personally and what you are capable of. This reaches well beyond your job and prevents people from telling you otherwise because YOU KNOW YOU.
Therapy can help with this but it takes work. It is daunting but every action you take helps build momentum. So can meditation and prayer help by grounding you. Volunteering can help by giving you an opportunity to be of service and connecting with others less fortunate than you sharing what know. Hobbies, interest can help by broadening your focus and stimulating your mind and feeding your Soul. Exercise can help by changing your brain chemistry and providing a way to counter anxiety and depression (much like your medication) and helping you feel strong. Spending time with friends and making new ones so you don't dwell on yourself, your problems and worries.
Obsessing over a very difficult job and work environment can become your entire focus and drive you to a dark place. I have found spending much of that energy and focus on me and my life (which goes so far beyond my job) enriches me and gives me a much healthier outlook and energizes me well beyond my job but improves all aspect of me at my job. I connect with people better, I laugh and find joy in my performance, I feel engaged and I keep things in perspective. No one can shake me because their behavior is theirs no mine to obsorb, my confidence in nit based on anyone's opinion of me because I know my value, I have my center, I stand in strength of self. I offer my best and find joy in all areas of my life. People feel my strength and confidence and because it's authentic nothing and no one can take it.
You can do this by getting out of your solitary focus of a depressing job and obsessing over what other people are reflecting onto you. It takes work and it dedication to building an amazing life. Right now you're drowning in depression and can't see the gifts around you. You can't even imagine the wonderful life you can build and the opportunities that surround you. But when you step out of your head and engage in a plan of building another kind of life (my therapist helped me with this and step by step I built momentum) you will not recognize yourself.
I wish you well.
Jennifer PuckettJanuary 9,2024 at 6:10PM UTC
Sounds like you are an incredibly strong and resilient person! Maybe if you think about the aspects of your jobs that you've enjoyed, the things you feel you've done well, and anything you want to learn more about it will suggest a direction search. What compliments have you received (think bosses, co-workers, customers)? Is there an area where people turn to you for help or advice? Sometimes that can point to strengths you didn't realize you had.