How do I back out of feedback I provided about my leader?

Anonymous

October 13,2023 at 1:40PM UTC

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How do I back out of feedback I provided about my leader?

Hello all, I am looking for advice.

I have been working for a small company for a couple years. I am considered a senior person the and due to it's size that means I report to the VP of my department. I gambled on this small company due to hoping the culture would pay out. But this VP blatantly favors the young white men in the company. He regularly dismisses me and others, if you disagree with him you'll be met with force and "grabbing of his scepter". Even though I am the lead on a project he never asks for my opinion, when I provide it he dismisses it and won't hear my advice for how to be successful. When he does ask questions it's clear what answer he wants to hear. I've learned to give that answer.

The structure is weird and there's another leader who at times is treated as the VP's equal and other times as if he himself reports to the VP. This second person is assigned as my mentor (everyone had one, I personally have 5 mentees assigned to me). I ended up confiding in this second person about this relationship (which I now regret). And he has made waves (with my permission) but it's incredibly clear that nothing will change. If I engage with this "process" I'm now 100% confident it will only stress me out, change nothing, and leave me in a vulnerable state.

I know it was foolish to be hopeful, so please don't give me advice on how to continue to pursue this. Also, I know I need to leave this company and intend to do so, so please don't provide that advice either. I'm specifically here to ask you all how do I back out of this? I also realize this might be a situation where I can't put the genie back in the bottle, so if so, how can I make this fizzle out?

Thanks in advance for your help.

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AnonymousOctober 13,2023 at 2:03PM UTC
I would start saying very little to anyone there. Do not confide, keep your head down and document (for your own purposes). Just keep your head down and you know the answer he wants to hear, even if it’s wrong and give him what he wants to hear.
AnonymousOctober 13,2023 at 2:14PM UTC
Why do you feel feedback about him is some kind of obligation? Is there a 360 review coming up?
Any time you think to yourself that you need to "back out" of something, it's time for some self-reflection. Avoidant behavior is destructive to self-esteem, productivity, and career advancement.
AnonymousOctober 14,2023 at 12:25PM UTC
OP here
Because due to the small size of the company, it means the VP's mentor is the CEO. So now the CEO is following up with me about this.
AnonymousOctober 15,2023 at 5:29PM UTC
Can you tell the CEO that you appreciate them following up, but you've decided to just let it go? You think the best thing for everyone is to not make waves. And their efforts have made you feel much more appreciated. Even if none of this is true, and the only issue is you don't want to have a target on your back while you're still there. That might be sufficient to tamp things down while you're looking for something better. I'm so sorry this happened to you and hope the next position is amazing.
AnonymousOctober 16,2023 at 7:31PM UTC
OP here. This is what I've been thinking. I think it's my only option. Thank you for your kind words.
ChrishoggOctober 15,2023 at 12:47PM UTC
Three things:
1) Do the best job you can, given the circumstances.
2) Start working on an exit strategy. I recommend 2 books to start -- The Job Closer first, The 2-Hour Job Search second, both by Dalton. This is your project, so I would not share it with anyone in your organization.
3) About making this "fizzle out," see 1), because "I ended up confiding in this second person about this relationship (which I now regret)."
AnonymousOctober 15,2023 at 12:52PM UTC
The same thing happened to me but the good news is you can help create the change you need!! Concurrently document everything. Take good notes. & amp up your job search. Keep your head down until you give your 2 weeks notice.
I had a really smarmy boss & he flat out said no one could be successful in our industry without drinking. Even though he knew I was sober. He made remarks about different coworkers who didn’t kiss his butt, promoted incompetent people who did. He was awful. But he was a founder & partner. So I had to leave to help my team. Because my feedback, along with the slew of other stuff, eventually gave them a paper trail to oust him. Some of his minions are still there so it hasn’t transformed the culture entirely but I’ve kept in touch with some old coworkers & they seem to be doing so much better. So I had to move on, & some of your teammates will likely have to as well. But if you make sure to work together in the exit interview & have clear points to demonstrate a hostile work environment, it won’t be all for naught.
AnonymousOctober 15,2023 at 12:56PM UTC
first off, stop confiding
you can’t unsay what you said so let that go and stop analyzing and stressing
GirlBossanova934974October 15,2023 at 1:03PM UTC
Wow. To be be perfectly candid here, it looks like you've answered all your own questions here. You intend to leave this organization. You don't want to engage in this company's process for resolving issues between employees. You have asserted that a VP has a strong bias towards one segment of employees. How do you put the genie back in the bottle? Looks like you already have. According to you, nothing is going to change. The 2nd person mentioned is unlikely to push this any further. I would spend my spare time looking for another position. Strictly as a recommendation, I would recommend you not take positions hoping "the culture pays out" for you. As I have learned from recent experiences, managers come and go. And all it takes is one bad manager at the top to take over and the culture can be shattered. Next thing you know, people are resigning, sales are dropping, bonuses are gone, and layoffs are on the table. I would focus on organizations with a track record of financial success and places where the TURNOVER is minimal in the management ranks. You can look up various people in leadership roles on LinkedIn and see how long they have been with the company. Also pay KEEN attention to online reviews from Glassdoor etc..
BethBOctober 15,2023 at 1:28PM UTC
There really isn’t a way to unring the bell unfortunately. Thank the person who tried to help you, hold your head high and act as professionally as you can.
AnonymousOctober 15,2023 at 1:38PM UTC
If you don't push for it it'll likely fizzle out on its own anyway.
AnonymousOctober 15,2023 at 2:27PM UTC
I spoke up in a similar situation and several months later I was put on a PIP and then there was a "Mutual Agreement " for me to separate from the company. Even after I killed the PIP requirements. Im reading comments of others saying speak up...but as an African American woman in corporate that is very difficult to do. I do know everyone goes through this type of situation.
I realize that there is no way to prove certain things. You can document everything, speak up, etc. It is always the upper management word against yours. The games and manipulation played in these companies are horrible. Lack of transparency and integrity.
Once you open your mouth, that's it.
Paula Manczuk-HannayOctober 15,2023 at 2:34PM UTC
This is a tough situation. I can relate to wanting to make things better and then feeling like it’s a huge mistake.
My advice would be to stop speaking about it with your mentor and play along with the VP. I’m sure it will be tough and feel inauthentic, but there probably isn’t much else you can do. Hang in there.
AnonymousOctober 16,2023 at 7:33PM UTC
Thank you, op
AnonymousOctober 15,2023 at 3:57PM UTC
Back out of what? Your message is confusing. You said want to leave, which is understandable. Back out of being a mentor?
Shelby COctober 15,2023 at 4:24PM UTC
I think this is one of those, "You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube" situations. I'm sorry. I wish I could help more, but I don't feel I have enough information to give you a more detailed response.
Monette AndersonOctober 15,2023 at 5:48PM UTC
I think the only way to put the genie back in the bottle is to fall on your sword, if that’s what you really want to do. That means telling your mentor that you have thought back on your feedback and feel differently- that you may not be presenting yourself in the best light and think there’s things you could improve and maybe even doing that with the VP. I’m not saying I even think you should do this but it’s the only way I can think of to get you as close as possible to it never happening.
Liz MilneOctober 16,2023 at 2:21AM UTC
I don't see how you can - the best bet might be absolute honesty: 'I no longer wish to pursue the matter because I can already see that nothing will change and all I will have done is put myself into an awkward position - please rollback any steps you have taken about this.' ? That at least doesn't make it seem as though you were just 'making trouble' and are now having second thoughts about it? I hope you find a way through xx
AnonymousOctober 16,2023 at 7:35PM UTC
Thanks for the kind words and support, op
AnonymousOctober 16,2023 at 8:39AM UTC
Have you tried communicating with your VP directly? In a professional manner of course, with examples? Perhaps he doesn’t realize? You could bring up an instance where you provided your point of view on some thing, and ask for feedback as to why he felt that wasn’t a valid idea.