I am being promoted to a management role, but one of my colleagues is starting to resent it.

12 Comments

1. Daniela PardoFebruary 24,2024 at 4:55PM UTC

   It's a normal reaction. I would include her as much as possible, ask her opinion, and keep her up to date. She will get over it, bit right now she's just doubting herself, I'm sure It's not about you.

2. AnonymousFebruary 25,2024 at 7:17PM UTC

   Thank you!

3. AnonymousFebruary 24,2024 at 7:47PM UTC

   Is the dynamic toxic where she’s starting to be rude to you or talk badly or is it more that she just seems sad and like she’s comparing herself for you? If it’s the latter, the best thing you can is help boost her morale by acknowledging her in front of your team members and maybe even soliciting her opinion in return in front of others so she sees you’re not her competition and you value her. I was in a similar position and found that method went a long way in getting my colleague to not resent me and instead work together on building each other up

4. AnonymousFebruary 25,2024 at 7:23PM UTC

   Thank you! Fortunately it’s not toxic, but there is friction because she feels left out on some things. Ironically, in part because I have been collaborating and asking her opinion it seems like if I don’t her feelings are hurt. I will continue to solicit her opinions as much as possible and hopefully she will eventually come around.

5. AnonymousFebruary 25,2024 at 6:05PM UTC

   Promotions happen, if she is truly a collaborator with you take her aside perhaps over lunch and call out the elephant in the room. Let her know you worked hard for the promotion and hope that she will support your success and that you would like to help her as well to be moving up the chain. Ask her what she needs from you should the reporting structure change and how you can help her if she remains a solo under the other manager to feel included within your team. Let her know you understand how she must feel and that you will just as fervently celebrate her promotion when that time comes for her. It's just not her time. If she tries to sabotage you or does anything to undermine your move be sure to document things unemotionally and to share those with your current manager to assure she can help to stop that destructive behavior. For all you know right now she might have expressed her loss to the manager (feeling it should have maybe gone to her instead) and is just licking her wounds.

   If you get a brick wall reaction to your chat with her, still include her in any group things so that she doesn't feel ostracized. And of course congratulations! Management is a bit like herding cats, but if done well it is truly rewarding, you got this sister!

6. AnonymousFebruary 25,2024 at 7:29PM UTC

   Thank you! I have managed teams in other settings but not at my current company. I’m struggling with whether or not to discuss it directly in part because I am hoping it will blow over. If it continues though I will definitely discuss privately with her, I appreciate the suggestions!

7. AnonymousFebruary 26,2024 at 6:18PM UTC

   Happy to help! Don't avoid the conversation before the move, it will set the tone for the future of your relationship and her understanding the change in your way of working.

8. GirlBossanova934974February 26,2024 at 2:10PM UTC

   Get used to it!!! In my career that has lasted several decades, I have seen countless examples of resentment by people who were not promoted while their coworker was promoted. At a high enough level, you can just about count on the non promoted person leaving the division or company. The only hope you have at that point and time is that the company promoted the right person and the not so right person left. I say hope as more than half the time, the far better person left the organization and we got stuck with the "office politician" who later ran the organization into the ground.

9. Colleen HansonFebruary 26,2024 at 2:25PM UTC

   My daughter just went through something similar with one of her co-workers. The best advice I can offer you is to just do your job and she will either get on board or she won't. My daughter listened to months of complaining/guilt tripping from her co-worker and in the beginning she felt bad and really went out of her was to make this other person comfortable, even at the expense of others feeling like she was "favoring" and/or "tiptoeing" around this person. It finally became too much because this person was riding the pity party train and nothing was going to be good enough. At some point the co-worker stopped communicating/responding/reporting to my daughter and was consistently going over her head for basic things. From day 1 my daughter was very organized and kept notes on everything as well as reported all going ons to her boss. The co-worker began trying to sabotage things my daughter was working on and became a constant headache for all in the department with the "pity me" attitude and constant complaining. Luckily, since my daughter documented everything, none of the co-workers attempts to sabotage her worked. Fast forward 1 year and that same co-worker was just terminated. Stick to YOUR job and document everything as it pertains to this person. Do not go out of your way to try to make her more comfortable, feel sorry for her, etc. It is HER job to get on board. Your merits landed you where you are at, remember that and treat this person the same as anyone else on the team so as not to cause any further issues with others. Your co-worker will either get on board or she won't and will dig her own hole. I also feel like your Supervisor is sending a very unclear message by not changing her, and only her, reporting structure. It is really unfair to the rest of the team that your Supervisor seems to be coddling this person and could cause some hard feelings down the road.

   Good luck and congratulations!

10. Paula Manczuk-HannayFebruary 26,2024 at 4:00PM UTC

    I was in this situation after my first promotion to management in my mid 20’s so I can relate.
    The best you can do is treat her fairly, solicit her advice opinions when appropriate, and recognize her accomplishments in a timely manner. My concern for you is your supervisor’s unwillingness to change her reporting structure and the precedent it is setting. That seems like a short term gain for a long term loss. acquiescing to her in this risks undermining your success as a manager and reinforces her perception that you are peers. Either there is a reporting structure or there is not. It’s disappointing that your manager chose this path rather than addressing the issue head on. I hope you are able to have solid discussions with your manager about this.

    I’m sure you’ve got this and congratulations!

11. AnonymousFebruary 26,2024 at 5:25PM UTC

    Was this a role she was hoping to obtain for herself? I'm a big fan of addressing the elephant in the room. Have a meeting with her or take her out to lunch and just say what you have observed and emphasize that you appreciate her contributions.

    As her new manager, if she is hoping to get to the next level or advance her career, you can help support her in those aspirations (I mean professional development is one of the many responsibilities of a people leader). Finding out what is driving her behavior can help you know how to respond. Of course, there is a risk this discussion is not well received, but since you are good colleagues otherwise, I think this could be a good step in the right direction.

    As I see some other comments, I concur on documenting instances and behavior. I encourage you to speak to your manager as well. If you are going to be successful in this role, your manager needs to support you by having this individual go to you.

12. Dianna DeeleyFebruary 27,2024 at 4:06PM UTC

    Take her to lunch and explain exactly what you just said: she's a good colleague, and you appreciate her contributions. You are not putting her down or ignoring her.

    I can't think of anything beyond this to disarm the conflict. If it can't be disarmed, ask again.