Hi everyone,

Anonymous

January 15,2024 at 4:06PM UTC

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Hi everyone,

I am an older millennial that has been working in the community support field for 10 years now. I am having issues finding a new employment opportunity with higher pay. I have been employed with my current employer for 4 years. The first 3 years were okay but in the last year my manager has been snappy and difficult to work with. All of this began when I missed two emails within one month. She has asked me to "step things up" and when I ask how she would like me to, she can't provide any reasons. Anyways my issue is this, I often find myself in working situations where I am either bullied by one person or multiple people in the office. This has happened at all 3 jobs I had over the course of 10 years. Anytime I have tried to speak up for myself I am gaslighted and then made to feel like I am being problematic. When I've had enough, I leave. I am an above board respectful and professional person and don't know how this keeps occurring in different jobs. Could it be me? I just don't get how any time I tried to have resolve-it never works. Any advice?

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AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 5:21PM UTC
Yes. It’s you. I mean this kindly and gently. I find those that feel they are bullied and feel put upon at work tend to be martyrs and are unaware of it. If you’ve been told that missing emails is unacceptable and you think it’s no big deal that’s a problem. Your attitude could be exasperating to your manager who sounds like they are under pressure. Having supervised people who have this attitude I found it hard to get them to do their jobs to the best of their ability. Try turning it around and see that the critique isn’t personal just constructive and smile and move on doing your best excellent work. Have your own standards and do your best. Even if you are surrounded by bullies and mal contents you don’t have to play their game by collapsing into martyrdom. Stand up head high shoulders straight and do your job. By the way the only reason I can opine on this is I’ve fallen into the martyr trap and it did not go well but taught me to get out of it and not go there again. Good luck! You’ll do well
AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 5:29PM UTC
Missing two emails in a month is not worth getting flack for.
These types of things happen to everyone. This person's agitation may have nothing to do with you. Water off a duck.
AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 5:43PM UTC
As a manager you should also learn to manage your stress and learn how to give helpful feedback. I get that martyrdom isn't great, but you can't be martyred unless someone draws a sword so it's a both sides thing.
AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 6:09PM UTC
Hi, I am the OP. I appreciate your response. I apologized to her over the two missed emails, and haven't missed any since. Although she has missed countless-ad that's just how it is. And I I asked her to tell me how to step things up she said she couldn't "think of anything". So a year I don't know what else I could have done to fix things.
AnonymousJanuary 16,2024 at 7:35AM UTC
2 emails? This is so off base. ? You may be one of the bullies....
AnonymousJanuary 17,2024 at 4:53AM UTC
I think what is baffling is some managers have a one-strike rule that they only apply to certain workers. If they "like" a worker usually a superficial reason-there is excuse after excuse made for them and supportive measures are provided. If they don't "like" a worker for usually a superficial reason as well-they can never be good enough. I have witnessed and experienced managers like this literally be overjoyed to call out the smallest minimal issue with and almost seemed annoyed when you are performing well. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can be difficult to remedy because the "powers that be" will not have any interest in addressing such issues.
AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 5:26PM UTC
I know what you mean. It seems to me that the people with thicker skin (a don't give a ... attitude) seem to be the ones that rise. It's not how I am built, but I practice!
AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 7:45PM UTC
I don’t think people who have thicker skin is on the rise, I think those are the people that are left that are doing their job efficiently and don’t have time for the socializing, smiles and kisses. With rampant layoffs the ones that were behind the scenes working hard while the others were socializing are the ones that now have to step up and keep departments/companies afloat. There job is to do their job and not hold hands. Companies are now realizing that a decade plus of holding hands and smiles when times got hard these people barely can do anything.
AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 5:39PM UTC
I've had similar experiences and just left a job because of it last week. I'm not sure what has happened either. So many supervisors lack people management skills and HR reinforces it. I blame education honestly. If you teach everyone with management degrees one way of doing things...it becomes the norm. And it's an awful, dehumanizing norm. Maybe all of the kind people should get together and start our own thing. That or leave the US to pursue work abroad.
Krista J. SorensenJanuary 16,2024 at 7:33AM UTC
Im so with you. Lets start a consulting company for companies with bad reviews and employees leaving those situations.
AnonymousJanuary 15,2024 at 6:04PM UTC
I will say that I have been in a number of positions where my manager had no business being there. In one company it was an open secret that VPs would hire old fraternity buddies and then give them a whole department to do their job for them. These people are insecure (for good reason) and are the first to lash out at subordinates for trivial things.
Bullies don't like people who get things done. Your being there and doing good work shows that their excuses don't hold water. All you can do is fight back by having confidence in yourself and leaving if it gets really bad.
JJJanuary 16,2024 at 12:28AM UTC
Work in general has become weird. Believe me, I am all for being comfortable at work, but it seems every personality defect is on full display in the corporate world and acting “normal” is no longer required. Of course the old days were worse with outright harassment and bias, but work is getting more toxic at every level. Bosses are craving more power it seems, not less and all that matters is the bottom line. So it is probably not you—just remind yourself why it’s called work.