My two subordinates and I along with a colleague have frequently gone to lunch together for several years.

Anonymous

August 15,2023 at 7:20PM UTC

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My two subordinates and I along with a colleague have frequently gone to lunch together for several years. My colleague and I work on similar levels (hierarchy) in different departments although I have been with the company much longer. My colleague has befriended my subordinates and I often would find her in one of their offices (in particular) chatting. I have a good relationship with my subordinates but over the last several months have found myself becoming less tolerable of my colleague who often finds it amusing to belittle the work we do in our department by calling it dumb or make it sound mindless with random comments of such. I have backed out of going to lunch with the group as much because of this. At the beginning of August we went to lunch and as my colleague was making comments regarding a task I asked her to complete and how it made no sense and she wasn't going to waste her time, I became increasingly upset. As she continued to poke I finally lost my mind in the lobby of the restaurant and said my piece. My assistant and I ordered our lunch and ate. My colleague ordered hers and called an Uber to take her back to the office (I drove). I went to her office to speak to her about it the next morning but she said she was too busy to talk. I told her when she was ready to let me know. Here we are 15 days later and still nothing. How do I handle this going forward? Should I care? I am to the point that I care less but I feel guilty for doing so. I feel I did my part and tried to talk the very next day and was shut out. I am a grown adult and too old for this dramatic BS.

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AnonymousAugust 15,2023 at 7:51PM UTC
You have to ask yourself, as an adult, do you want to build bridges and be a part of the process or would you rather stand your ground and separate from the larger effort?As a leader, I've found that seeing things in terms of "I've done my part" is polarizing and eventually creates walls and the only way to breach those walls is to knock them down by getting rid of those who built them. Isolation may feel like a win but I would reconsider your ego. No one is going to remember your contribution.....just your failure to lead.
AnonymousAugust 15,2023 at 8:56PM UTC
Consider apologizing for having what should have been a private conversation in public, in front of your assistant. It can be brief but it needs said. Her telling of this incident could be something like “ apparently, Terry has been really upset with me for a long time, and never said anything until we were in public in a restaurant with their assistant.” Get your 3 sentence apology out and over ASAP. (I’m sorry I did X I should have done Y, I value you as a colleague,) Hopefully after the cooling off period, things will be less tense.
Mary PoolAugust 15,2023 at 10:12PM UTC
You say you did your part, I say you did not! You are frustrated with a colleague and took it out on a direct report. If you did your part, you would have spoken to your colleague the very first time she stepped out of line. I even find your use of the term subordinates telling (one definition of subordinate -- treated with lesser regard or importance). Also, you sound jealous. Is that how you are portraying yourself to others? Backing out of lunches and group activities is petty and only enforces the colleague's opinions. If you are too old for this dramatic BS, then stop doing it! You are giving away your power and losing the respect of your direct reports. Start taking your power back! One way to do that is the sincerely apologize (as others have suggested) and start calling your colleague out on their inappropriate behavior (in a professional and respectful manner).
AnonymousAugust 16,2023 at 12:45PM UTC
You all make some very valid points. I may need to clarify. The subordinates are both my direct reports in my department. I backed out of lunches in hopes of giving my colleague space and making it less awkward for my assistants. I definitely need to apologize for not handling the situation sooner and in a more professional and private manner before letting it get the best of me as it did. My colleague is not ready to talk, however. Sending her an email seems cold. Do I handwrite her a note? I am apprehensive about "making her talk" before she is ready. I want to be respectful of the time she obviously needs. I have to say though I am not sorry for anything that I said or how I said it. Only that it happened very publicly and inappropriately.
Mary PoolAugust 16,2023 at 7:55PM UTC
Here is the thing, set your emotions and justifications aside and reread the excellent advice you are getting here. You are right, your feelings are justified, and your feeling of being disrespected is valid. None of that matters because of how the situation is being handled. What does upper manager want - productivity, peace, and harmony. What do redirect reports want? Productivity, peace, and harmony. Change your focus from justification to productivity. How are you going to get there? Send an email asking for a meeting, a personal note does not leave a trail - you need a trail of trying to fix this. Because at this moment in time, with your focus on being right, your colleague has the upper hand, even if she is in the wrong with her actions. It is not about what happened leading up to the event, it is now about the event itself and how the repercussions are being handled, and how the relationships are being mended. I would recommend the "I was a jackass" defense (but not in writing, during the in-person meeting).
Barbara ThompsonAugust 16,2023 at 1:40PM UTC
Funny. I keep hearing a Taylor Swift song in my head.
You dressed down a colleague, in front of a direct report colleague of yours, in a public place when the colleague didn’t agree with what you had asked/assigned(?) to them. You showed up “to speak to her”, were told not now, and then told her “when she was ready [to talk] to let [you] know”, thereby implying that you are over it, and the problem is HER anger, and therefore her, not what you did/said.
As a grown adult, then I’m sure you will contact her to set up a time to make a complete and heartfelt apology for your behavior towards her in front of the public and your coworker. And furthermore, you will work on deleting the term “subordinate” from your work vocabulary.
AnonymousAugust 16,2023 at 4:44PM UTC
You have given me some great info. I did not want to push her into a conversation she wasn't ready for which is why I put the ball in her court. I never expected it to take this long. I am embarrassed to say I was not aware the word subordinate is inappropriate in today's work environment. Please educate me on appropriate substitutions.
Barbara ThompsonAugust 16,2023 at 10:15PM UTC
Colleague
Direct report
Assistant
Coworker
are a few I can think of quickly
Kris Martin LoweAugust 17,2023 at 6:50PM UTC
Thank you
AnonymousAugust 18,2023 at 12:36PM UTC
Teammate
AnonymousAugust 18,2023 at 2:38PM UTC
Regarding nomenclature, I feel it matters! I just had an HR person respond to my routine question that I should contact my "superior". I have supervisors but not superiors! I let it pass (she's young and English is not her first language) but felt it made her look rather uneducated and impolite.
AnonymousAugust 16,2023 at 3:48PM UTC
If you need to bring HR into the conversation and apologize in front of HR as well. Make a formal apology to her for losing your cool and if you need to put it in writing. Clearly she is bruised and the public calling out was not a good thing for her psyche. Once you have that conversation be firm in letting her know that degrading or ignoring the work you are doing and asking her to do is not acceptable. Then move on. The relationship will either slowly repair on its own or not but then at least you can move forward from your side.
AnonymousAugust 16,2023 at 4:31PM UTC
Thanks for the advice.
asmith13August 16,2023 at 4:45PM UTC
Don't involve HR in this if you can work it out on your own. We have much bigger things to deal with. lol
AnonymousAugust 18,2023 at 1:15PM UTC
Doesn't matter if you "have bigger things to deal with." Everyone has bigger projects on their plate at any given time. If a colleague needs guidance handling a work incident then it's HR's job to assist with coaching and resources and disciplinary action where warranted.
asmith13August 18,2023 at 6:15PM UTC
Hence why I added "if you can work it out on your own". This sounds like high school drama to me, which is 99% of what we end up having to deal with rather than focusing on real and more important issues. I am just speaking the truth here. Not sure if you work in HR or not, but if you do, you would get what I am saying here. Personality conflicts are not HR emergencies.
AnonymousAugust 19,2023 at 5:17AM UTC
I agree. Try saying hi etc. when passing by and slowly patch things up. If that doesn't work leave her alone.
AnonymousAugust 16,2023 at 7:05PM UTC
On behalf of HR, please do not involve us! What I wish you had done was had a private conversation with this individual before you reached the breaking point. You are the one who blew up at her. Extend the olive branch, try once again to initiate a conversation. And then leave it.
Linda AAugust 18,2023 at 12:33PM UTC
This is probably the worst advice i have ever seen. The colleague was purposefully undermining you with your subordinates because she is jealous of your position. Your subordinates most likely were happy to talk to her because they don't like the work or you and are undermining you also. Otherwise they wouldn't engage her in their office. Talk to your subordinates abs figure out if they are happy. The colleague get rid of her and find someone else to do her work or pick up her work yourself. She is the one who invited the fight and you fell into her trap by ignoring her belittling all along. She did this because she doesn't want to do your work and thinks it's stupid. You won't get her to cooperate because she told you she doesn't want to.
AnonymousAugust 18,2023 at 7:34PM UTC
Yikes. When do we get a Downvote button?
Janet ParkhurstAugust 19,2023 at 4:02AM UTC
Dear Linda A.,
I SO agree with you! This witch invited the undesirable response from the poster--we're human and eventually we explode under a series of assaults, no matter how minor. This bitch was undermining the poster to her subordinates and obviously trying to cultivate a dislike amongst them. Just shameful. I applaud the poster for letting her HAVE IT.
AnonymousAugust 18,2023 at 1:27PM UTC
Schedule time via email or calendar app to meet with your colleague and those who were present at the time (individually). Tell your direct reports your actions were inappropriate and apologize for behaving that way in front of them. You have to repair their trust in you as their manager. To your colleague, also apologize for handling things in such a public way and that you won't repeat the offense. The second thing to address with the colleague is whatever work/project you were asking of her. Without context, I don't know whether this was a favor she was doing you or a project she was definitely meant to be a part of. Surely, her own manager would know if she had additional tasks on her plate for other teams and she can't just not do the work if she finds it beneath her or whatnot. That would have to be a conversation with her own manager on her end if she finds the work is not appropriate for her role and not something she should be working on. If she owes you work then I think it's fair to speak on that and set expectations, especially if she's been ignoring you for over two weeks.
Finally, please ignore the comments about not going to HR. Not saying it's necessarily warranted in this situation, but to me that's dangerous advice to avoid HR if your issue "isn't big enough." If you're having a problem with a colleague/direct report/etc. then go to HR even if it's to ask a small question. That's part of HR's job to guide through situations and give advice, resources, and even training on things like this (at least for mid-large sized companies).