I'm really struggling with this tonight.

17 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 17,2023 at 11:53AM UTC

   So, you may find yourself in need of self-amplification. You could have said, "Exactly, I like that we all have access to our digital sticky notes and appreciate you reminding this time from my point previously on this", and "I think this does warrant us to spend time as it's also on Billy Bob's mind too to revisit". YOU need to do this. YOU can set tones, YOU can be that for them as well. Meaning, if someone else brings up something like this from a prior meeting you can also say, Yes, I have been giving this thought since you brought it up previously I have think we need to take a deeper dive as well". type of support. Change it up!

2. AnonymousAugust 17,2023 at 12:48PM UTC

   If you can and it's appropriate I would follow up with an email to all in the meeting stating something along the lines of "I'm really glad so-and-so brought up the topic XYZ as it echos what I have stated previously <point to sticky not> and I think this is a really important point..." Then provide your own further thoughts/info expanding and organizing the discussion and end with a call to have a meeting to further define/expand/implement the work. Write this from an enthusiastic "I'm excited we are all building this" team perspective while subtly picking up the reigns as a key thought leader. I wouldn't go to the boss saying anything along the lines of 'that was my idea first', even if it was. If this happens again in a meeting, I would jump in with an enthusiastic YES! EXACTLY! I had been thinking the same ... then jump in with more details and always with a focus on 'we' are all building this.

3. AnonymousAugust 18,2023 at 12:38AM UTC

   should the topic come up (I’m sure it will) - tear it apart professionally and either modify or make recommendations that will jog the memory of your initial input. I’m pretty sure your boss already knows how the topic came up but the others may need a reminder.

   if at all possible, let it go yet next time, pack a punch when you address them the next time.

4. Erica LanyonAugust 18,2023 at 1:24PM UTC

   You and I need to talk. I'm in the same exact boat. Apparently I speak in a pitch that only dogs can hear because this happens to me all the time. I work in an all male company - I'm the only woman.

   I understand that there have been suggestions about being assertive, speaking up, and reminding them. However, it's important to acknowledge that with certain individuals (men), these actions may not yield any results. They aren't listening, and it's because they lack genuine concern. Do you think they're losing sleep over any of the discussions that have veered off track? The answer is no.

   IMO the solution lies with us. We need to figure out a way to process the feelings, speak up when necessary (without emotions) and be productive regardless of how we're treated. And, if the job isn't a right fit, find a way to transition out.

   Anyway, feel free to reach out if you want to schedule a time to commiserate and vent.

5. Elizabeth SharpOctober 11,2023 at 5:53AM UTC

   Sorry I'm just getting to you. They solved the problem and fired me. ? yes there were performance issues, but they wanted rid of me long before that.

   Pretty sure I was the problem the day I suggested that calling me the "Hello kitty of consequences" was a line they shouldn't cross. (And that maybe saying things like that to the only woman on the team wasn't great).

   So cool. They can congratulate each other on a job well done.

   Also...they didn’t like me reminding them that I actually did bring up ideas. No more than they liked me repeating their words back. Apparently that didn't make me a great team player.

   So I'm applying to jobs and discovering how very underpaid I've been.

   Crossing my fingers for better times to come!

6. Kathleen Norton-SchockAugust 18,2023 at 2:50PM UTC

   You need to chat about it with your boss, for sure, and with any mentor/sponsor(s) you have in the organization. And for good measure, you might want to send this link (or others like it?) appropriately.https://www.buzzfeed.com/andriamoore/women-share-worst-mansplaining-experiences

7. AnonymousAugust 21,2023 at 3:02PM UTC

   ehhhh, sending links is kind of passive-aggressive, and nobody likes getting stuff like that in their email, especially if they feel they're being attacked.

8. Kathleen Norton-SchockAugust 22,2023 at 12:35PM UTC

   Yeah, that is true. Maybe just holding the link to share with a mentor makes a lot more sense. This phenomenon is so pervasive (and that is the point I was clumsily trying to make) that I wanted the woman experiencing it to realize that she is far from alone; but I bet she already knows that! (Many of the commenters have done a good job, as usual, ensuring that she feels supported.)

9. misskelleypAugust 18,2023 at 4:09PM UTC

   When that happens you need to casually say, yes, I've brought that up before, hang on and I can tell you when... check notes, oh yes, on DATE we talked about this issue.

10. AnonymousAugust 18,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    Bring it up, clearly it has rattled you and you need to work it out. Communication is the key to solving most difficult situations. When you do have the conversation keep emotions out of it and focus on the what and the why vs the who. Keep gender out of it because if you focus on that they will likely stop listening. Your authority and position should be respected, period. Good luck.

11. AnonymousAugust 21,2023 at 3:01PM UTC

    Communicating in order to feel better is not the best motive. Men who don't care about a woman's feelings in a meeting won't care about her feelings at any other time, either.

    There is a business case here -- ideas are not being heard when first presented. That's a lost opportunity.

12. AnonymousAugust 19,2023 at 12:07PM UTC

    You can bring it up now, but it would have been much more effective to do so in the moment.

13. AnonymousAugust 19,2023 at 4:11PM UTC

    I have had and been working in a male dominated field and companies. These situations happened to me many times and not just from men but women as well.

    Even when it’s uncomfortable, you have to practice speaking up to protect your idea and make sure the first time you bought it up it was heard by others. Also, document your work.

    Long term goal, just look for a different company with a better balance male to female ratio with a supportive and understanding manager. I know it’s hard, but there places out there.

14. Janet ParkhurstAugust 19,2023 at 10:39PM UTC

    Hi,

    Many years ago I worked for a company whose staff was 85% female. (There were about three males at the top, but they RULED.) My first boss there was great: so professional, yet kind, and always supportive. Truly a mentor and someone I wanted to emulate. After that, I got subpar (female) bosses. who never had a unique thought in their heads. One in particular would routinely take MY ideas to meetings and present them as her own. When I objected, she'd snap, "Well at least you know they're valid..." Of course, not being invited to the meetings (I was not a manager), I wouldn't know my ideas had been presented as someone else's until I'd hear someone in the company talking in a hallway about the "great" idea so & so had had for the XYZ project.

    At another company--an ad agency--my boss got mad at me when I stopped giving her ideas. I told her why--that I never got credit for them, and that wasn't right. She told me "it was my JOB to make her look good."

    So... I completely feel your anger and frustration. It used to burn me up!

15. Janet ParkhurstAugust 19,2023 at 10:39PM UTC

    Definitely bring it up. Better late than never.

16. AnonymousAugust 21,2023 at 2:57PM UTC

    Mentally rehearse a few scripts for next time, like "I mentioned that in August, but nobody seemed interested. What has changed since then?" or something to discretely remind them of your attempt at making a contribution.

    Without anyone there to amplify for you, it's up to you to amplify when you're ignored. But it's a tricky thing to do, because you could be seen as self-aggrandizing or otherwise viewed in a negative light. If they subconsciously discount you because they're unconsciously sexist, their sexism will respond when you stand up for yourself, too.

    Sadly, I know this from experience.

17. Vivian HwaAugust 22,2023 at 1:14AM UTC

    " Thanks Ken for bringing that up again. I think it's great we are on the same page and I have an ally and supporter (or someone who shares the same view, or sees the same issues the same way) My point, when I made it back in Xyz, and double-check the sticky to be sure, my particular take was ... which is pretty close (or just a tad different)..." Etc