Hi All, I am new here but I think I have an age old problem.

22 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 4:21PM UTC

   Limit your contact, watch blogs on avoiding toxicity.
   Then build up your personal life to be as positive, Joyful and calm as possible to help balance your stress.

   There are toxic people everywhere in life. The more balanced and protected your are personally, the less the toxicity can impact you. It still exists but is far less invasive. I wear my armor everyday to protect my peace and not open myself to negative people.

2. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 4:59PM UTC

   Keep it strictly professional. Don't add to social media and limit contact

3. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 5:10PM UTC

   Document when things happen, what was said, who witnessed it and where. You can take it beyond your leader if you feel they're not addressing what may be deemed workplace harassment. Document what the leader's response was to when you brought your concern in front of them, take it to their leader and up. If you want it to change you need to address.

4. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 6:26PM UTC

   Definitely document everything, but limit contact as well to only pertinent interactions.
   And as you mentioned, you may not be in a position now, but keep looking to find something elsewhere lined up, as you know it will likely not get better if they haven’t done anything about it, or supported you thus far.

5. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 7:34PM UTC

   Document everything. If the behavior crosses the line into sexual or other harassing behaviors, then file a formal complaint. It always helps to have witnesses, so talk to your co-workers who have seen how he treats you and get their take on it. Remember, if he invades your space to the point he touches you, then it is considered assault, as nobody, even if it is a boss, has the right to touch you. I nearly got fired once when I reached out and didn't touch the person but tugged on her shirt sleeve and was called into the store manager's office.

6. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 8:19PM UTC

   In addition to documenting, filing a formal complaint and limiting contact, you might want to consult a plaintiff’s side employment lawyer, especially if the co-worker’s conduct has been blatant and/or if your co-worker has touched you.

   If your co-worker’s conduct has created a “hostile work environment” (as legally defined), a lawyer might be able to help you negotiate a termination agreement with your company, with the lawyer’s fee priced at one-third to 40 percent of any financial settlement you receive.

   A termination agreement with a financial settlement would help you transition to a new job.

7. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 10:16PM UTC

   I'd start looking for a new job. In my experience, you can document everything and report it, but ultimately if you are working in a culture that tolerates bullying behavior, then nothing will be done to help you. Instead your health and well being will be negatively affected until you leave anyway or worse. You deserve better than that.

8. GirlBossanova934974August 30,2023 at 12:35PM UTC

   Without more details, it is very difficult to form any sort of opinion here. These days, I am very cautious when I hear the word, "toxic". That word has become so overused and designed to win an argument without making an argument. In my career, I guess I had a couple of "toxic" people I worked with. They took a dislike to me OR better yet, they were very unpleasant to everyone, not just me. Most of the time, they were in the job they didn't like and people they did like, had moved on. I either avoided them JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE did or I sat down and had a small chat.

9. April LineAugust 30,2023 at 12:53PM UTC

   You say you have addressed it, but with whom?

   Is it a small business where the owner or manager is winging the HR thing? Or is there an HR department?

   Have you addressed the belittler directly?

   You don't have to be aggressively confrontational to do so, next time he does or says something, simply say, "i don't like it when you say those kinds of things to me."

   You could also request a meeting with the person and a manager, take a list of the behaviors, and say, "It makes me uncomfortable when X happens, can we work together to find a solution?"

   The crappy thing is that doing either thing may lead to the toxic person getting defensive and then retaliating by refusing to interact with you, which, depending on how much he is part of your work day could make your job even harder. But it could also be a positive solution, if he isn't a big part of your day-to-day.

   Too, if there are options to go above the person who's saying, "you can't change his behavior," I absolutely would. Like to that person's manager or to HR.

   If none of these things are possible, or if you have already tried them and documented, you should look for a new job, and if you have to quit, as others have noted, depending on your state, you should be able to get unemployment bc you've documented a toxic workplace and your efforts to preserve the relationship. Read up on your state's guidelines for unemployment eligibility.

   Wishing you luck and girding!!

10. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 1:03PM UTC

    I think it depends on the type and level of toxicity you are claiming. Since there arent any details, hard to gauge what is happening and advise on best practices. That being shared, I am a big proponent of returning the same energy that is given because you aren’t required to take crap from anyone.

    If and when he does it again, I would document it via email and simply state “until we can work together with mutual respect, I cannot work with with you in any capacity” and cc HR - EVERY SINGLE TIME. It is their job to step in and rectify the situation. If there is retaliation, you have grounds to sue, should you take that route.

11. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 1:04PM UTC

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation and that your management is not doing more to protect you.

    A lot of folks in the comments are saying document everything, which I absolutely agree with. One note of caution, make sure your documentation is not on a work resource that you could suddenly find yourself unable to access. May seem like a really obvious statement but it's worth putting out there. (voice of experience here)

12. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 3:26PM UTC

    This is hugely helpful, thank you.

13. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 1:41PM UTC

    Change your response to him, internally...keep distance, limit interactions, state to him clearly how you expect to be addressed, and maintain boundaries. Be very clear. Inside of yourself. That you are not being pulled into his vortex... Read a book on boundaries at the public library... You might be surprised to realize that he enjoys taunting you and. You are feeding his response in some way.

14. Colleen DolakAugust 30,2023 at 2:12PM UTC

    In short, set and hold your boundaries. Document inappropriate interaction in a factual way.

15. Rosa GoesAugust 30,2023 at 4:10PM UTC

    Great advice from other posters on documenting. I would also tell the coworker directly that his comments are inappropriate, uncomfortable, etc. I would be straightforward with him. Then notify HR if you haven't done that already.

16. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 4:53PM UTC

    As others have said, most important thing here is to document everything.

    Sadly, HR is unlikely to do anything to help you - and ultimately could end up hurting you in the long run. That said, you should complain to them IN WRITING about what you’re experiencing. This is done to protect yourself legally in the event this could potentially be a form of harassment, discrimination, or something of the sort — or, in the event you lose your job. It would essentially show that you notified HR of the behavior and they did nothing to stop it. This is also where your documentation will prove valuable. Dates, times, witnesses, etc.

    Having come from an environment like this recently (in my case it was a manager and supervisor) - i can relate to what you’re dealing with. Establish boundaries, and document everything - take care of yourself.

17. EMILY KIKUE FRANKAugust 30,2023 at 5:01PM UTC

    Does your workplace have an anti-bullying policy? If so, you may be able to take some action. As others have said, absolutely document everything, in as much detail as you can. Without details, it's hard to know what your options are, but start by investigating if there are any policies in place that might protect you. Read whatever you find carefully-- it's difficult to prove, and often it comes down to your word versus his.

    Good luck! These situations are hard and unpleasant.

18. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 10:03PM UTC

    Who is saying you cannot change people? HR? Or other? You should be direct when you are spoken to in a disrespectful way and let that person know you won't have them speak to you that way. If they do it again walk away while they are speaking and memorialize it in email to yourself, your manager and the HR person. Let the HR/Manager know that you will not work in a hostile workplace and thay you expect them to have a conversation with this person about how they need to treat others with dignity and basic courtesy and respect. If nothing changes despite this simple suggestion it's time to either seek EEOC help or find a new role elsewhere that this toxicity is not condoned.

19. AnonymousAugust 31,2023 at 12:25AM UTC

    Document document document. And have as little contact with that person as possible.

20. AnonymousAugust 31,2023 at 1:00PM UTC

    I had a similar situation and I was able to arrange it so that I didn’t have to work with him/report to him. It greatly improved my overall and daily experience at work.

21. Barb HansenAugust 31,2023 at 3:24PM UTC

    Create a document on your phone or home laptop, and write down every interaction with your co-worker.

    If you have met with your manager about this issue and your manager told you "you can't change people", have another meeting (schedule on their calendar and follow up with an email after the meeting). As much as you can, discuss the issue as if you were a 3rd party viewing the interactions between you and your co-worker. If you can, bring written notes so you can list off the offending activities. Ask your manager for a their plan to resolve the issues, and document their response.

    Then continue to document your co-workers behavior, although I would not tell my manager or others that I was documenting the situation with the co-workers (it all depends if you feel safe sharing with your manager or others that you are creating a paper trail)

    If possible, meet with your HR representative, and have the same conversation.

    Then, here are some tactics that i have used in the past when dealing with a bully, keeping in mind that I don't know how toxic the co-worker is and how safe I would feel in the your specific situation:

    -- I never back down from this person.

    -- I look them in the eyes.

    -- I look and act calm.

    -- I treat them like a someone else's petulant child

    -- I start to think of them as someone to be pitied not to be afraid of.

    -- If I was over it all and even dealing with the bully was beyond my capabilities, I would "call a friend." I would find one or more co-workers who could be with me or be close enough to me to make me feel supported during every interaction with the bully.

    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

22. Cheryl MagenSeptember 3,2023 at 2:47PM UTC

    Excellent advice to protect you and your ability to interact civilly. Keep the notes at home- not on your work computer.