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Boss won’t speak to me anymore

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Boss won’t speak to me anymore

A new coworker was sending me messages that were making me uncomfortable (messages like “you have a beautiful smile” and “you are so beautiful today”). I asked for help addressing it from someone who took the concern to HR. HR did address the concern, and it has stopped. In the process of this my male boss was told. My boss has not spoken to me since, he has not mentioned the incident to me, he has not directly interacted with me in any way since the incident. I feel like he is avoiding me.

I work in a pretty male dominated industry, I’m concerned I’m now going to be labeled a snowflake because I couldn’t take a compliment. My husband believes they will now start looking for reasons to let me go.

I don’t know how to fix this. I just wanted some support to help make the comments stop… now I feel like I jeopardized my career, because I was uncomfortable.

I guess I’m not really looking for advice so much as a place to vent.

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  1. Anonymous

    I think now the less action taken the better. Your coworkers are now uncomfortable and don't want to make matters worse. So only time will tell how things will land.

    The only advice I have is next time you need handle things yourself. Someone else going to HR about your issue (with or without your permission) is not professional and might not portray you as very strong. I can't imagine one of my male coworkers going to another and them speaking to HR yo address an issue that's not their's.

  2. Lindsey Fratz

    Every company I've worked at has had extensive training that where there's an issue you see such as someone receiving harassment or unwanted comments or unwanted behavior that YOU do have a responsibility to report it. It's not unprofessional to stick up for others and report negative behaviors or illegal behaviors in the workplace

  3. Anonymous

    Did you ask this person to speak with HR or did you only ask for advice?

    As a former HR individual, you should have addressed this directly or gone to HR yourself.

  4. Anonymous

    The person took it to HR. HR then came to me and asked what was going on, I was honest. HR said because the messages were sent at work, from work computers they were going to discuss the concern with the individual who was sending them because they were not appropriate and I had already admitted I felt uncomfortable by the messages. As there is no power dynamic between myself and the individual, I felt this was reasonable. The messages have stopped.

  5. Rebecca Milliken

    I'm going to comment because I feel the comments so far have a whiff of victim blaming.
    You did not do anything wrong. You asked advice from someone who took it upon themselves to inform HR.

    Perhaps that person saw that you were conflicted and realized the total inappropriateness of your coworker's actions. Sending you those messages is a direct violation of every sex harrassment policy of every place I've ever worked.

    Your boss probably feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to deal with the issue because he's a man in a man-dominated workplace. You could go to him and ask him directly if he is avoiding you and why.

    You can also just document everything to make sure you don't have to deal with retaliation or if you do you have some recourse.

    You should not feel uncomfortable at work. NO ONE has the right to be so unprofessional and gross and manipulative. Sending you those messages is not a compliment, it's harassment and you have every right to not like it.

  6. Anonymous

    Not Victim blaming just saying take care of your own stuff.

  7. Rebecca Milliken

    Not very supportive. She WAS harrassed.

  8. Anonymous

    I'm sorry, but those examples were compliments. As a professional ugly girl, I would smile and say thank you. I have dealt with mostly older people my entire life, and things were different in previous generations. The OP doesn't mention what age bracket they're in, but I would be exactly like the boss - he's probably afraid of a sexual harassment case against him any day. I truly feel sorry for men today - strident, silly women where everything is a #MeToo incident - I would never go to work in that kind of environment.

  9. Anonymous

    OP said she looked for "help," to make it stop, not advice.

  10. Rebecca Milliken

    She asked for help "addressing it". I took that to mean she asked someone what to do. If I were that person, I would have told her to go to HR, I would not have gone myself. Still, SHE is not in the wrong here.

  11. Anonymous

    More than a whiff.

  12. Anonymous

    Talk to your boss about work related things only. He can’t avoid you if you are standing at his desk. Just keep it simple and move on.

  13. Anonymous

    With a career spent in law enforcement--obviously very male dominated-- I understand about feeling like "a snowflake" after an incident like that. In my workplace, something getting reported to HR around sexual harassment would result in everyone shutting down around me out of fear that they might say the wrong thing.

    If this happened to me, I would address it directly with the boss-- explaining that you didn't intend for it to escalate, that you were uncomfortable and wanted the behavior to stop, and had simply been seeking advice on the best way to solve the problem but it got taken out of your hands.

    I'm a big proponent of speaking directly to the perpetrator of inappropriate comments or actions before involving others to provide an opportunity for behavior adjustment. (And document it!)

    The positive here is that we train people how to treat us, and even if inadvertently, you demonstrated that you expect respect. ❤️

  14. Lindsey Fratz

    OP is not in any way in the wrong here. Someone else reported the incident to HR and HR followed up with OP. OP /could/ have gone to her direct manager, but she doesn't /have/ to. You can definitely go directly to HR with issues. Her manager is in the wrong for treating her differently after this incident.

  15. Anonymous

    You need advice, push to engage. Ask your boss/manager why you are getting the silent treatment from him. If you cannot get a clear answer and the lack of response is creating stress for you then it is a bigger issue as in retaliation. HR can surely help to mitigate the "Sexual harassment" you did receive (yes it falls under that statute) but you have to be assured that you are not being treated or silence treated because of what happened. Document things from here on and track all of your interactions with anyone whose behavior has changed since the incident reporting.

  16. Focused301766

    You are not in the wrong, but men in male dominated environments are... Really freaking weird!? They tend to be really defensive of others, and seldom put themselves on our shoes. Dog knows I had to put even my own dad on his place when discussing harrassment in his workplace. The man raised me to be a feminist tomboy, and somehow ends up regressing to a fratboy when listening to office gossip.

    In my personal experience dealing with unwanted advances, I learnt to not let issues simmer. If you let an unwanted compliment go by, even for an hour, another will follow, as your harrasser tests boundries.

    Let me clear this up: this happens regardless if the advances are based on pure interest (afterall, some people date coworkers), or straightup sexual abuse. Usually what will differenciate those is the scalation of events and abuse of power. Your coworker could be a genuine out of touch great guy, that believes he was just telling you something you might want to hear. Anyway, hell is filled with good intentioned souls, this should help him get wiser.

    Your boss might be scared because he feels the situation was dealt disproportionatelly, if he views this as an earnet compliment. If this is the case, clearing things up with him and taking a stand about the sequence of events might be the way to go. Men tend to think HR is a last resort, so it scares them to think mechanisms are activated. He also could be worried about repercutions on his leadership assessment, since he wan't a part of the process.

    Also, if you're confortable, talk to your coworker honestly. Don't be afraid to be clear.

    If they are already looking for a reason to let you go, nothing you do to clear this up will change it, but it won't also worsen it. If that is the case honestly... Good riddance.

  17. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career Coach

    Good for you for going to HR about this!! I would show up like the rockstar professional you are. Treat your boss like you normally would, and if he is all weird - thats on him. Maybe he just doesnt know how to handle situations like this, or is afraid he could do/say the wrong thing and is just taking the wrong approach.

    I think if you just maintain a super professional relationship and don't change your interactions/meetings with him and keep it going like you have been doing - things could return to normal. Either way, you win

  18. Rebecca Milliken

    This question is for the commenters, not the OP: If you witnessed harrassment at work, would you go to HR or wait for the person to go? A lot of people are saying the OP should take care of things herself but why? If harrassment is happening and someone else becomes aware of it, are they supposed to keep it silent?

    Someone said it's not professional for someone else to tell HR. Doesn't the unprofessionality of the harrasser supercede that?

  19. Anonymous

    See something... Say something. You should be able to do so anonymously. Corporate offices don't need all the facts, they just need someone, anyone to report it. HR can sort it out.

  20. Anonymous

    In this case the OP went to their coworker with the information and thar person took it to HR. That says something and if I were in HR I would question as to why?

  21. Rebecca Milliken

    What does it say? That the person was too uncomfortable to report it? So? They told someone else and that person saw the seriousness of it and reported it. I honestly don't see why HR would question why and doubt they would.

  22. Anonymous

    Why would they question? Easy. Not every woman (or man, for that matter) is honest. #MeToo - NOT! There are PLENTY of hystrionic individuals out there.

  23. Anonymous

    Where I work, if your title is of a certain level or higher the code of conduct requires you to report to HR if you witness someone else being harassed, even if you're not directly involved. The company wants to make sure that they are legally covered from any lawsuits so they've set up mandated reporting for certain job titles/levels.

  24. Anonymous

    I do believe that in some cases, you should intervene, especially in cases of serious sexual harrassment and abuse of power.Aditionally, I believe in some cases you should contact the police directly if you are witness to stalking or violence.

    However, this case is muddy since (fortunatelly) some boundries were not crossed. I work in a male-dominated (science and technology) field, but currently in a sub-section with mainly women (chemical analysis). There is a difference on how issues are viewed and handled. In male fields, usually when a third-party shows up explaining about personal communications, they tend to consider it as gossip, especially if the tone and manner the person reporting is non-chalant or unconcerned. In my current sub-sector, it tends to be taken as a potential concern.

    In male-dominated fields, women are expected to be assertive and venting to co-workers without taking action is viewed as petty behaviour. It is unfortunate, since most women aren't socialized to do so.

    If I was on the shoes of this third person that ended up reporting, and the company had a boys-club atmosphere, I would probably advise her to be direct with her harrasser before it escalated, or even contact her direct manager first, and then HR with his blessing. Also, being in control helps other realise that ship is not gonna fly.

    Making allies, witnesses and a paper trail goes a long way.

  25. Anonymous

    Some of the comments on this post are startling, particularly in a forum where women help and support other women.

    You aren't the one who behaved inappropriately. If your boss is feeling awkward that's on him. Just stay professional.

  26. Tara Dixon

    Exactly

  27. Anonymous

    I agree. Even though if the OP should have confronted the person before going to HR (they didn’t specify whether they did or not so maybe she did?) if the person making the inappropriate comments doesn’t have common sense enough to know that could definitely get them in trouble, most companies have info during training about harrassment and sometimes even show videos with examples. It should be obvious not to act this way to any coworker, the OP has every right to report it.

    as far as the boss, maybe there is a whole slippery slope with this not being the only complaint this person has gotten, or maybe other men in the office have done the same thing and been reported. No one should have to feel uncomfortable at their job because of someone making inappropriate commente

  28. Rebecca Milliken

    I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way.

  29. Barbara Sonin

    "Stay professional" is always good advice.

    I would argue that helping and supporting other women includes sharing advice on how best to stand up for oneself within the systems that exist, not just sharing outrage, and urging lawsuits and quitting.

  30. Anonymous

    I agree with you. Rather, it's the replies telling the OP she's a trouble maker or a 'snowflake' that I find so shocking.

  31. Erica Mitchell

    Explain the situation and how it made you feel to your boss. Be open and honest in your communication with him.

  32. TestE Cull

    Your husband is right.

    Executives look after themselves and to hell with the workers beneath them. HR is never your friend, either, I can almost guarantee they will sweep this under the rug and try to find a way to oust you whether by bullying you into quitting or trumping up a termination.

    You were very much in the right to speak up, but the reality of our fucked up world is that they will look after themselves every time.

  33. yvette finley PHR

    your boss may have been instructed not to talk to you at all to minimize risk of inappropriate comments. It’s a pendulum swing from too much then not enough communication. Keep doing your job and document your efforts.

  34. Anonymous

    Just out of curiosity, did you address it first with the worker directly?

  35. Anonymous

    If your boss isn't speaking to you directly, then just put a normal biweekly 1:1 meeting on his calendar. You should be doing that anyway to keep him updated on how your work is going and get feedback from him.

  36. Anonymous

    First I want to say that women should be able to go to work and not have to deal with these “compliments” it’s out of line and inappropriate.

    second you probably should have talked to the employee first but I can understand why you didn’t not so comfortable confronting a male at work I have been there and completely understand .

    your boss is out of line and wrong , however maybe he is upset you didn’t come to him first?

    would it be possible to schedule a one on one with him and find out what the issue is?

    I hate to say it but your husband could be right , however don’t put the cart before the horse talk to your boss see why he is upset . Then go from there if you can’t resolve it with him most likely look for a new job . But keep the emails the comforter sent and write down everything the day time and what I said during a conversation with boss just to cover yourself .

    good luck if you can get things turned around with boss then you have a great chance of moving on and this being in the past if not don’t beat yourself up things that start out as innocent compliments can turn on a dime so you were not wrong to be uncomfortable , maybe could have changed where you went first that’s all

  37. Anonymous

    You are totally in the right and of course he is wrong for making you feel icky and uncomfortable but things are not like reality in the corporate world.

    there are certain things to navigate even though you are 100% correct in what you did because it is highly political.

    your boss is probably feeling awkward and doesn’t want to fan the flame. Give him some space and keep doing your work and put a one on one meeting on his calendar ( I’m guessing it should be there already)

    it takes 6th sense to move through these pitfalls. Did you address it with your boss first before reporting to HR?

    that might be the reason he’s distant. I would not read so much into his behavior right now. Let it pass for few weeks before bringing it up.

    when things reach HR level, I think everyone is on their guard because they are afraid to make things worse.

  38. Cyndy Trivella

    Another example of bad company behavior. You (no one) should have to put up with another coworker’s inappropriate and toxic behavior.

    1) I do agree with your husband.

    2) Your male boss was likely instructed (by HR) not to discuss this situation with you because it hinges on potential litigation.

    3) The fact that your boss isn’t speaking to you sends the message that HR is nervous because you may have legal cause to contact a lawyer and build a case.

    4) Start documenting everything if you haven’t already and be sure to bcc: your personal email so if anything happens like “unexpected downsizing,” you have access to your information.

    5) Start looking for a new job. There are lots of listings on this site which is a good starting point.

  39. carolina girl

    Why would you work at a place where you are sexually harassed? Just QUIT! simple as that!

  40. Anonymous

    Not everyone has the ability to just quit their job and move on. I have a family and bills to factor into my decisions.

  41. carolina girl

    and the rest of us DON’T????people like you have no backbone much less self respect! There are OTHER jobs out there! NO WOMAN with self respect would ever tolerate sexual harassment! Every one has the ability so don’t start with that lame excuse!GEEEZ!

  42. Anonymous

    Not everyone can just quit without a job lined up, there are bills to pay.

  43. carolina girl

    Then you’re a spineless doormat! so if a male makes inappropriate comments to you or makes a pass at you, you’re just going to tolerate it!

  44. GirlBossanova934974

    I agree 100% with some of the comments here. With almost 100% certainty your boss has been told by HR to keep his communications to you at a bare minimum. With lawsuits around every corner, this has to be expected. I would wait around for a few weeks to see how this blows over if in fact it does blow over. If things are still icy after 30 days, you may wish to transfer or find another position. One has keep in mind that sexual harassment lawsuits can run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars in case the company does nothing or allows even the slightest problems to keep going.

  45. Wanda Shaw

    I agree with what you've said. Many organizations these days are "jumpy" for lack of a better word, because they want to avoid being thrown into a legal entanglement over a "he said, she said." kind of situation.

  46. GirlBossanova934974

    I have been involved with a lawsuit with an employer. Age discrimination which is different than this case. That being said, employers do NOT worry about "he said, she said" lawsuits. Most employment lawyers won't even look at those cases. HOWEVER in this case, we have written evidence aka several emails. We have an employee who went to HR. We have a supervisor who was informed. IF the company does not immediately stop the behavior in question, then there is a big problem because there is written evidence and company management knew all about it. AKA we have crossed several bridges and big trouble could be coming.

  47. Anonymous

    However the cold shoulder for reporting sexual harassment is also illegal.

  48. Elise Pilkington

    I worked in a male-dominated industry for a long time. In this environment it's important to be very direct when someone does things like this. If you don't want to let it roll off your back (not saying you should), tell them directly to knock it off. It's not right, but asking a third party for help right away scares both HR, who has undoubtedly defended this group against sexual harassment claims in the past, and the "old boy" network which concludes that you "proved them right" that women can't handle the environment.

    Don't shoot the messenger. This is unfair and wrong, but I've seen it happen. I hate even saying it, but it might be in your best interest to start over somewhere else.

  49. Anonymous

    I am not sure if a crime was perpetuated or if, as others have mentioned, this was an idiot with poor social skills. Did she tell him it made her uncomfortable and give him the chance to check himself?

    So many times we don't even try to directly communicate with each other and depend instead for others to intervene. If this appeared to be a situation where she had communicated her discomfort and he acted again, yes, absolutely there would be escalation. But to say he PERPETUATED A CRIME based on what sounds like a couple of idiotic emails seems a bit exaggerated. In law enforcement we MOSTLY communicate to defuse problems, otherwise everyone would be going to jail

    The OP didn't give many details,, so offering validation/ advice that is actually helpful is difficult at best. I stand by my comment. ?

  50. Focused721350

    Good Morning,

    Because of your situation and do to them telling HR about what was going on! More than likely these men are scared to approach you. I understand completely what your saying. But! The way things go on in work place these guys don't want a sexual harassment charge against them. As we know as women working around men. Maybe! you could of handled it privately instead. Tell your co- worker thanks. But! I'd appreciate that you keep any further compliments to yourself.

    Good luck and God bless, Ms. T ;)

  51. Afo Ogbeyalu Kalu

    In the future, or for anyone experiencing a similar work environment, I advise that you put the offender on notice. State directly that you do not believe that the comments are professional or appropriate, and alert the person you report to of the behavior before discussing with a 3rd or 4th party. Document the offensive behavior, how it made you feel, your response, and copy your supervisor and HR.

  52. Anonymous

    All the sexual harassment training indicates if you witness or are privy to any sexual harassment in the workplace it’s your duty to speak up. Someone who’s a victim does not always have a comfort level of directly approaching the offender. I’m shocked at how many people are insinuating that the offended should’ve approached the offender. That’s not necessarily their duty.

  53. Afo Ogbeyalu Kalu

    In some organizations, the SH policy is predicated on giving notice. Someone complimenting a smile, blouse, looks, may not be intending any harm, but the behavior has made the other party uncomfortable. The 3rd and 4th party interpretations of what was disclosed may also not be accurate. IMHO we should be encouraging and creating avenues for responsible, assertive communication in the workplace. Giving notice directly to a supervisor or HR, verbally or in written form, is a step in that direction.

  54. Anonymous

    Find another job. That culture is not acceptable

  55. carolina girl

    Exactly what I’m saying as well! NO JOB is worth putting up with harassment! There are plenty of other jobs out there. and NO ONE and I MEAN NO ONE is going to do anything about it! That’s just the way society is anymore. best thing to do is leave.

  56. Anonymous

    Document document document and connect with hr about the change in the work environment - if they do find a way to get rid of you this is illegal and should not be tolerated. Call your labor board on the first sexual harassing comments you e endured and the treatment you are getting now - ridiculous!

  57. BeaBoss531718

    Excuse me. I did not read where she said her male boss made any comments. I believe she said her “new co-worker” made the inappropriate comments-her male boss found out via HR and is no longer speaking to her as a result. I agree with you that she should not quit. I would definitely create a paper trail to include the inappropriate comments along with the email to HR and a timeline of when the ignoring from her boss started-which is known as retaliation. She’s going to need this when the inevitable quest to get rid of her comes to the forefront. Unfortunately, her husband is correct in his assessment of the situation. She should hang in, don’t quit while she searches for a new job and prepare herself to fight if necessary! Good luck!!

  58. Anonymous

    Maybe think about it this way.
    If you were in the offender's shoes and your colleague did not express any discomfort or displeasure at your jokes but went to report you, how would you feel? Your boss may be scared that whatever he says to you may be misunderstood or misrepresented as him taking sides with the 'old boys club', as someone even mentioned here.
    Maybe next time, handle your discomfort in a friendly manner, with the offender, before reporting.

  59. Anonymous

    You left out that she’d be prettier if she just smiled. This reply is gross. DOWNVOTE!

  60. Anonymous

    Came here to say this exactly.

    going through HR is the right way to handle. It’s their job to ensure a safe workplace AND that everything is documented. No one has to put up with inappropriate contact of any type at work, and being penalized for complaining is probably against company policy and definitely illegal.

  61. Anonymous

    If it were me, there's no way I would reward the unwelcome interaction by giving him a response of any kind. She did the right thing, 100 percent.

  62. Anonymous

    I disagree with this reply. If I were her boss, I might be disappointed that they didn't feel comfortable coming to me about it and would go out of my way to reassure them unless I had been told not to share by HR. Why should you care how the offender feels? Depending on the company and the location, they can be held liable for the guy making the "jokes" and their action or inaction. If her boss is worried about saying things that you think may be misunderstood or misrepresented at work, maybe he needs to be more professional and the company needs better workplace harassment prevention training.

  63. Anonymous

    Your boss is not your friend, even if you think he or she is. Who cares if he was disappointed that OP didn't go there first? Why should OP's boss be entitled to reassurance? The only person in this scenario who deserves and needs that is the person who suffered the harassment: she should be reassured that she will not be harassed by coworkers any further, that there will be no institutionalized retaliation, AND that her job is safe for as long as she wants it. Period. There are no other victims in this story.

  64. Anonymous

    No. I disagree with this. It is a) not her problem to educate this man on appropriate behaviour. b) indicating she doesn’t like it leaves this person open to thinking someone else might, and not changing his behaviour.

    of course direct approach can work, but it’s not the only way. This suggestion comes across as victim blaming quite strongly. I’d questions your beliefs

  65. Anonymous

    While it is helpful to ask the offender to stop, employees have the right to go straight to HR - and the legal right not to be retaliated against for doing so. The poster is not required to “handle her discomfort”. Harassment is not a “discomfort” issue - it is a legal issue.

  66. Andrea Weathersby

    You should have told him or her to stop. If they didn’t take it to your boss. If it continues the. It’s an HR issue.

  67. Anonymous

    It’s time to stop wondering and confront these issues head on. Go to your boss and ask if everything is OK or is there is something to discuss.

  68. Anonymous

    Ugh, I wish I could wave a wand and fix sexism for you (and well, all of us here).

    This is why I've held my tongue and just left jobs in the past (not the right answer either in many cases since the toxic person gets a pass).

    I would try talking to your boss directly in a curious authentic manner (the coach in me coming out with that one). Let him know that you care about the team and work for the reasons true to you. If he's open, share your boundaries and wishes for how you'll work with him and the rest of the team.

    On a woman to woman note, man, your boss could be a bit more mature, huh?

  69. Anonymous

    But like...maybe doesn't suck to talk to HR about it, too? Like others here, I 1,000,000% agree with the recommendation to DOCUMENT ALL THE THINGS!

  70. Connie23

    Look at the main points:

    I understand you were uncomfortable but did you consider having a conversation directly with the new hire yourself? You most possibly could have come out of this with a completely different understanding while leaving management out of it and of course if it was not a good leave then you could have potentenially pinpointed a weak or jaded new hire for management to deal with. (leadership)

    It's obvious your boss was uncomfortable chatting with the new hire (not doing their job). Red flag and because they had to have the talk with HR and that is no fun.

    I think I saw someone that said directly deal with your boss. I agree, get the talk done and I would suggest you have a talk with the new hire as well. You will never know now the new hires intentions good or bad and you will always wonder how your boss is feeling. Not a good situation.

    And if you have talked with co-workers, straiten that out immediately as this should not have been a talkable point with those not directly involved. Gossip is a poison that kills everyone.

    Goodluck.

  71. Anonymous

    Totally with you on the gossip thing; never do it.

  72. Anonymous

    No - just no.

    Why? Because I’d you don’t report to nip it on the bud what will happen is they’ll ask ‘why didn’t you say anything sooner?’ It’s a classic tactic used to deflect blame and find the easiest source to blame. Handling it on your own leads to opportunity for gaslighting and the culprit being able to fabric a story.

    HR first, always, in these situations. This is sexual harassment, not someone taking credit for your work.

  73. Anonymous

    I remember my VP shoving his one eyed snake on my desk and telling me I was cute. I told him I didn’t appreciate his tiny bubble gum roll on my desk or being told I was cute. He got embarrassed and left me alone for a week or two. Then decided to invite me into his office to sit on his couch. Never ends.

  74. Anonymous

    Omg…that is just beyond crazy. I hope you reported the incident to HR. His behavior is disgusting.

  75. Anonymous

    Same thing happened to me. I used to be the first in to the office and I was alone. I started coming in late after that.

  76. Shirley Leevy

    You did the right thing standing up for yourself as know else is going to. Sexual harassment in the workplace is not going away and men do it because they get away with it as people think it they don’t say anything it will go away.

  77. Monette Anderson

    I am sorry this happened to you. I agree at this point it’s best to confront the issue head on. Always start with “do you have a minute to talk” have a DESC script ready to walk through your talking points. Also sharing something like “the story I’m telling myself is you’re avoiding me because of the Hr issue with x…” it gives you a chance to test your assumption, maybe they’ll say something else is up and if you have an honest dialogue you may be able to share your perspective better than HR on why it was crossing lines.

  78. Daniela Pardo

    A lot of good responses here. HR might have told your boss to be careful and avoid any kind of interaction that can be misinterpreted. He should be able to manage it professionally, but not always happen.

  79. Anonymous

    Since you have already spoken to HR once, go back and voice your concerns about repercussions from your boss and others about it --- or leave.

  80. Anonymous

    .... if you have a record of it, then you have a lawsuit, if it does happen.

  81. Anonymous

    Your work life will be difficult moving forward. You may wind-up on a PIP for no reason at all. (I'm sorry this is happening to you.)

    When you find another job, don't tell your current team where you're going. And give them as little notice as possible--few days--that way they can't make things worse for you on your exit--they won't have time.

    You can post your issues on glassdoor, google, yelp, ...--anonymously. Any yes, you can sue. But, it is a mentally exhaustive process.

    My thoughts are with you.

  82. Barbara Sonin

    Did you respond to the guy directly telling him compliments about your appearance were inappropriate and made you uncomfortable? Sorry, but if you didn't do that first, I would probably also think you were a "snowflake."

  83. Anonymous

    And when you approach people like this, it gets WORSE, not better.
    MUCH WORSE

    They probably will let her go: "unwilling to work with others ". A joke.

  84. Yasu Talodin

    Title VII exists for a reason. The poster is not a "snowflake"...she did the right thing by going to HR. In this day and age, most companies have their employees go through SH training/certification, so everyone knows what is acceptable and what isn't. It isn't her or any other woman's job to ensure that the law/rules are followed unless that woman happens to be the boss. I don't believe from a legal standpoint that anyone is required to engage in small talk about anything that isn't work related and someone being "cute" is not work related.

  85. Anonymous

    Apparently, no man ever gave you compliments that were appreciated. I wonder why... Another silly, strident woman. No wonder so many men can't be bothered to be in relationships nowadays.

  86. Anonymous

    If there was a "downvote" button, this post would get one from me. In any case, it gets an A+ in misogyny and another A+ in gaslighting. There is NO place whatsoever in a work environment for comments about another person's appearance. And there is also no place in the world where it's ever okay to tell a woman that she is "silly" or "strident" to complain about male misbehavior. (Of course, we all know that those words are code for "What's wrong with you? Why can't you keep your pretty little mouth shut?"

    I need a shower after reading this comment.

  87. Esan F.

    Please ignore any of the internalized patriarchy in some of the comments.

    Even when it doesn't appear so, you have other options. I suggest you devise your exit strategy ASAP and find an environment where you feel safe. I agree with the idea that you give them minimal notice. Retaliation is very traumatic to deal with. Everything will work out for you. Be well!

    The secret to healing job trauma is the exact same secret that helps you advance your career.

    That secret is to love yourself.

    And it’s totally true.

    When you love yourself, you have the right boundaries in place about what you will and won’t accept.
    You prioritize your soul’s desires above other people’s expectations.
    You talk about your skills with confidence.
    You carry yourself with poise and grace.

    When you love yourself, you invest in yourself -- which means you enlist help on your journey of career expansion. And then you accomplish great things in the shortest amount of time.

    But instead, you were probably taught the following lies about life:

    Good girls put other people first
    Work hard and you’ll get everything you deserve
    Be quiet, don’t rock the boat, and you’ll get noticed eventually
    Don’t invest in yourself unless you have the money already set aside
    You need your spouse’s permission to make a financial investment in yourself, even though it’s YOUR life

    The following blurb is from career Coach Mo Faul's newsletter. I though these words would be useful to you:

    The secret to healing job trauma is the exact same secret that helps you advance your career.

    That secret is to love yourself.

    And it’s totally true.

    When you love yourself, you have the right boundaries in place about what you will and won’t accept.
    You prioritize your soul’s desires above other people’s expectations.
    You talk about your skills with confidence.
    You carry yourself with poise and grace.

    When you love yourself, you invest in yourself -- which means you enlist help on your journey of career expansion. And then you accomplish great things in the shortest amount of time.

    But instead, you were probably taught the following lies about life:

    Good girls put other people first
    Work hard and you’ll get everything you deserve
    Be quiet, don’t rock the boat, and you’ll get noticed eventually
    Don’t invest in yourself unless you have the money already set aside
    You need your spouse’s permission to make a financial investment in yourself, even though it’s YOUR life

    Hope this helps someone!

  88. Monette Anderson

    I don’t disagree but I think it’s worth her checking her assumptions. It’s a vulnerable process to report harassment and she may be misreading her bosses intent/actions. It’s worth a discussion before you walk.

  89. carolina girl

    Get in the real world, lady! It doesn’t work that way! NO WOMAN should ever tolerate harassment! There are plenty of better jobs out there.

  90. carolina girl

    I hate to break this to you, but things are different in this society now. HR and management will look the other way and will do nothing.sorry, but that is reality.

  91. carolina girl

    The responses I made may be harsh, but I am a lot older than you young ladies. Times are different now . You can report your complaint, but management is only going to tell you what you WANT to hear! I’ve been there and I know what you’re saying, but trust me…. They’re not going to help you. Go on indeed and find another job. There are plenty of them out there. If you’re being harassed or bullied, LEAVE!

  92. Yasu Talodin

    Unless you're 65, I promise you, you're not a lot older than me. Title VII is in place for a reason. Just because companies have gotten away with not complying for 50+ years doesn't mean they should continue to not comply. Since the advent of the internet and the whole porn thing back in the late 80's and early 90's on employee computers, companies have started to get serious about enforcing the law. Telling women today to just leave is wrong. They should stay and fight--even if that means filing a lawsuit against the company or reporting them to the EEOC. Women today have FAR more options than any of us did back in the day. In my opinion, because we stood for nothing in terms of SH--we just took it--this is the reason they're still going through this bullsh!t today.

  93. Anonymous

    You did nothing wrong in discussing your situation with a trusted colleague, and your colleague did nothing wrong by taking your concerns to HR, so please stop feeling cowed or guilty.

    Your boss’s reaction sounds potentially misogynistic and toxic. Retaliating against you (by freezing you out, demoting you or firing you) after you have been the target of unwelcome workplace conduct could be illegal under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act. Consult a reputable employment lawyer, especially if you want to explore leaving your job with a negotiated financial settlement.

    A first step, however, is to approach your boss and the colleague who made comments to you, to see if you can establish more collegial and mutually respectful relationships. If that works, problem solved.

    But if there is no improvement over the next 4-6?weeks, the next question is why you’d want to work in a toxic and misogynistic environment? I suggest lining up your references (excluding your toxic boss) and searching for greener pastures.

    Again, keep in mind that any retaliation by your boss may well be illegal and position you for a negotiated financial settlement in exchange for your resignation.

  94. Elle Washington

    How do you prove relation?

  95. Anonymous

    Your boss’s reaction sounds potentially misogynistic and toxic.

    Or afraid of a suit coming his way if he as much as says good morning - see it from the other side for a change.

  96. Lori Hall Ferguson

    First, realize there is what is right and what is real world. If you want to manage your career then realize you will have to navigate crappy bosses without exploding your chances to succeed. In this situation, I would have suggested to not involve any co-workers. You made the mistake of thinking you could harmlessly vent and you would get some advice. That's not what happened and the co-worker may have made your life harder in the end. Now that it's to the HR level and your boss is aware that you spoke to them about his less-than-stellar behavior you have to extract yourself from this situation with a little more purposefulness in your thoughts and actions. First, ask to schedule a meeting with your boss and be ready not to get defensive. He could have been testing you to see how you responded to his behavior and instead of setting a boundary you went nuclear. Now you have to backpedal a little and try to save this relationship. Ask for his forgiveness (yes, I know) in going above him and explain the situation that you asked a co-worker for advice and they took it upon themselves to go directly to HR without your consent. Explain this is your fault (I know, I know) for not being direct with him. Don't mention his inappropriateness, he knows, but focus on the lack of trust you showed going behind his back. Mostly focus on the co-worker who threw you under the bus intentionally or not to get a dig in at your boss. Apologize for giving them this information and be willing to know he does not trust you at all now and the easiest way to remedy that is to freeze you out and have you leave. The only way to repair that is to stop giving your co-workers ammunition and start girl-bossing at a very high level. Of course, you will hear advice to go to HR and make another complaint if he retaliates, but that does not often end in your favor. You've got to navigate this with your best interest at the center which means getting your job skills, getting your money, and moving to a better position on your terms and timeline with a less crappy boss in another year. Best of luck.

  97. Rebecca Milliken

    Apologize? Ask for forgiveness? This type of thinking is why sexual harrassent is still happening. I'm sorry but I could not disagree with this advice more. Placating a crappy manager who is not doing is job is not how to deal with this situation. Judging by this boss's behavior, he would have done nothing to stop the harrassment.

    There is nothing wrong with reporting this behavior to HR, no matter who reported it. I am really astounded by some of the advice in this thread. I am 58 years old and I've been working more than 40 years. This type of behavior should never be tolerated. I know that a lot of us in my generation put up with stuff years ago but not now. There is no excuse and no woman should ever apologize or ask for forgiveness for being the target of harrassment.

  98. JD

    Wow. These comments are... just wow.

    I have no idea where you live but retaliation is something your HR should have covered when working with you. In addressing the really toxic stuff posted in responses here:

    You are not out of line if you didn't feel comfortable or safe addressing the person making these comments directly.

    You are not required to go find some magical environment where women are treated with respect- where misogyny doesn't exist.

    You are entitled to a workplace free from sexual harassment no matter what the field is.

    I'm not sure why people are still shilling for patriarchy, sexism, and more, but it's really sad to see here.

  99. Rebecca Milliken

    Agreed. The only person in the wrong is the loser who is harrassing her. The boss might be in the wrong too. The OP is not in the wrong, nor is her coworker.

  100. Anonymous

    Yeah, her boss is wrong. This screams of all the men who were like “how do I possibly hit on a woman now that I can’t grope them?!?!”

    I mean maybe he knows himself well enough to know he’s a problem. But I suspect it’s more that he doesn’t want to do the work to make sure he isn’t.

  101. Anonymous

    Oh please, hystrionic much?

    This screams of all the men who were like “how do I possibly hit on a woman now that I can’t grope them?!?!”

    Do you TRULY believe most men are like this?

  102. Anonymous

    I'm not sure why most people here conflate the so-called "patriarchy" with REAL sexual harassment.

  103. Fai Nelson

    HR Here! Workplace retaliation is a real legal matter.

  104. Anonymous

    Yes, this!

  105. Agustin J. Leal

    I think that you should continue focus in your job. If you feel that your boss is trying to get rid of you,, you better start looking for another job just like a plan B. People like your boss are everywhere and in any job situations. Another thing that you can do is not to pay attention to what people like him said to you. Mention some times what your husband think about what your boss said to him.

    good luck.

  106. Darcie Thomas

    Its funny that they say these things to you at work ("a professional environment") but I'm sure that they wouldn't say the same thing if your husband was standing right next to you. They would be so quiet about that but quicker to bring up your achievements and they work you are doing at work. Its really stuns me to see they would somehow be able to use their discretion if someone else were there. It means they don't respect you or your feelings. You were right to tell HR that they are abandonning professionalism in a world where how beautiful you are has nothing to do with the business that pays you. Boundaries are important.

  107. Anonymous

    Your boss is, most likely, avoiding you as he does not (rightly or wrongly)want to be entangled in a sexual harrasement case. Frankly, I don't blame him.

  108. Anonymous

    No response, is an answer.

  109. Anonymous

    Wow, there's a lot of woman on woman hate going on. And that's disgusting! This woman did nothing to deserve creepy comments--that crap went out with the 80s!

    Her bosses decision to avoid her is a response! He doesn't support his employee.

    Seriously are we victim shaming now? It takes a nasty woman to victim shame a woman in need, unless her nasty husband was doing the same thing. (FILTHY)

    I'm glad you have a supportive husband! We need more like him, and less like the spineless unemployed on FGB.

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