Need support for a tough conversation with my boss about his inappropriate behavior.

38 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 6:17PM UTC

   Good for you for having this conversation with him! What you are describing from a legal perspective, the screaming and the defamatory suggestions about you and married men is sexual harassment. Document it and the time and date and all the details. Have your co-worker do the same. Should there be any retaliation from him because of this you have a strong lawsuit against the company. If we as women don't call this kind of nonsense out it will continue.

2. AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 6:22PM UTC

   Was this blow-up a one-time thing, or does it happen regularly? Either way, it is inappropriate, but it may give insight into his character and the best course of action. If it is a one-time thing, you may ask what set him off over something that, by all appearances, did not warrant that type of outburst. Let him know you were deeply distressed by it since you were in the same room. What you do after that depends on his answer and how you feel about it.

   If it happens regularly, it should be reported to HR or his boss, as it shows a pattern of toxicity that needs to be corrected. Let them know that it is behavior above and beyond anything you would feel comfortable enduring in the future. If it is not corrected, you may feel compelled to file a formal harassment complaint.

   As for the married man issue, ask what prompted him to comment. Did he feel you were "too friendly" or in some way inappropriate? Whether we like it or not, as women, we are held to a different standard when socializing. Some look for any reason to call out or misread our "friendliness" as inappropriate. Look at it this way: most men socializing with male business associates can slap them on the back, put an arm around them, or even "punch them" in the arm as part of casual conversation, but this does not bode well in mixed-gender encounters (regardless of who initiates it.) I'm not making any accusations or judgments. I'm just giving you some food for thought because I have encountered it before, and I have had to adjust how I interacted with my male colleagues and business acquaintances. Friendly is different in each circumstance (male/male, male/female, female/male, or female/female). A general rule of thumb for all encounters regarding proximity: There should always be enough space between you and another person to place your arm between you.

3. Pamela BendallMarch 10,2024 at 7:25PM UTC

   Yes! You need to express your concerns over acceptable office standard. And remind him you felt like you were hired not only for your skills, but also your professional.

4. AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 7:26PM UTC

   That is NOT your job! You will have political consequences if you do. You and your co-workers need to contact HR right away and provide statements as witnesses to such egregious and unprofessional behavior leaning towards unlawful harassment at workplace. Have HR do this since it is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

5. Kenda DalrympleMarch 10,2024 at 7:38PM UTC

   This is none of your business. Stay in your lane. If you must do something, make an anonymous report to H.R.

6. AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 7:44PM UTC

   document the daye, time who asked if OK, meaning they heard it and the same with the married men comment. These are HR moments, and it's your choice if you want to report it, but it also covers you should he decide angrily to dismiss you or your office mate and there is potential lawsuit in the works or they decline to pay employment. Good luck

7. AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 11:02PM UTC

   My advice is if you want your role, keep your head down.

   Boss is a jerk. But you being there a relatively short time-- EASILY let go.

   Pick your pride or paycheck.

   Meanwhile, if unhappy, polish resume

   JMO

8. AnonymousMarch 10,2024 at 11:43PM UTC

   I would not talk to the boss yourself about this. You're setting yourself up for a showdown you'll lose

   At the same time, I don't agree with others saying not to do anything about it. A personal comment directed at you is just that - personal. If there is an HR department, document everything that occurs and take it to them, detailing how the outburst (although if it was that loud they probably heard it themselves) was and the personal comment. Get other witnesses to make statements and get HR to do the work.

   You sound like you have a lot of respect for yourself and good expectations on how an office should run. Which is a good thing. Sadly, it seems like your boss gives zero respect to others and will probably retailate if you say anything by yourself. It would be harder for him to retaliate if multiple people say something through HR. If there is no HR, I would speak to as many others as you can and see if you can make multiple-person statement.

   Either way, look for a new job yesterday. 99% chance he will not change. Seems like you got hired into a abusive workplace.

9. AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 12:51PM UTC

   If you live in an at-will state, I would not talk to the boss about either incident. Your coworker, not you , should address the unnecessary shouting. And you're too late to address the "married men" comment. Just make sure you have a tasteful comeback prepared if he ever issues such a warning again. Or simply ignore it. He sounds like a real jerk. Also, I would not go to HR with any of this, although I agree with the advice to document each incident. In my experience, HR is not the employee's ally, but instead, HR works for the company. If your boss has done something truly egregious, take your supporting documentation to your union representative or the EEOC, or take the issue to an attorney who handles employment cases - but do not blab about it all over the office.

10. AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 9:34PM UTC

    You are new. While you can certainly have the conversation and you are RIGHT, not sure where you think "Loud, raised voices and aggressive tones are not professional and wont be tolerated." - Be careful with that, I don't think at 3 months in you get to say what's to be tolerated (and please do not take this a way that I am not intending, negatively). Your best bet is to look to get out. Remember also: HR IS NEVER YOUR FRIEND!

11. AnonymousMarch 13,2024 at 11:41PM UTC

    Exactly! At 3 months, she is already critiquing her boss!!!! She has no sense of what is politically appropriate in the workplace but will give an impression of running her mouth thinking she is hot stuff

12. AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 10:24PM UTC

    OP here, I spoke to him today. He was very attentive, apologized for the inappropriate comment (insisted it was coming from a place of “protection” which he admits is not his place to do), and he asked me for my insights on how to communicate better with myself and the other workers because he is a “naturally passionate person” so he doesn’t realize when he is yelling. It was actually a very good conversation which I did make sure to record on my phone (my state allows that) just in case.

    I am honestly more shocked at the responses I got here. Just suck it up? Keep my head down? Quietly start trying to leave? Just because I’m new, I don’t deserve to be treated with respect at work? Ladies, if we keep accepting the status quo it will NEVER change! I absolutely told him that he cannot raise his voice at us when issuing directives or even constructive criticism, and he agreed. I approached this conversation like a professional and it was received well. I genuinely hope and pray that all professional women can find the strength within themselves to stand up to disrespect in the workplace. It’s the only way that things will start to change.

13. AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 10:44PM UTC

    I disagree with you on the decision to have that discussion with him. I am bit surprised that you had a conversation with your boss, and he took it well. THAT IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL AND YOU ARE LUCKY that you did not face retaliation. It was NOT appropriate for you to provide feedback regarding his conduct with other people. You had a right to bring up topics related to you, but it was not your place to critiquing him regarding his behavior with others. It is for HR to handle this. If you did this with another company, there would have been political consequences and possibly retaliatory behavior from your boss and others.

14. AnonymousMarch 11,2024 at 11:05PM UTC

    And I'm afraid I have to disagree with what you just said. Did you miss the part of it taking place in the office she shared with the person being blasted? It is nearly as traumatizing to witness this at close range as it is to be the recipient of the outburst. If she can't speak up for herself (as a witness) and for her coworkers, then the company doesn't deserve to have someone with this much courage working for them. Tenure has nothing to do with it. Going to HR or the person's manager (thus around the chain of command) could have had the retaliation you speak of because she would have potentially escalated this to a point with dire consequences and no way to unring the bell. This way, he can apologize, explain, and understand the boundaries set.

    To the OP: My only caution is don't be afraid to escalate to HR or upper management if there is a repeat performance. One warning should be enough.

15. AnonymousMarch 12,2024 at 6:11PM UTC

    I am still going to disagree with you. What right do you have critiquing your boss's behavior? You are NOT his boss or HR, who are the more appropriate representatives to bring this up. I am surprised that you are not considered or viewed as belligerent and uppity with your conduct. Because there was no one else brought in with this issue, if your boss does it again, what recourse do you have? You did not go through the official channel to document and bring in the appropriate people to start conducting an official investigation.

16. AnonymousMarch 12,2024 at 7:53PM UTC

    Your right is to agree or disagree. I am saying that every time I went around the chain of command, it never worked out. When I confronted the person directly, we at least had a way to set appropriate boundaries and communication methods. Going around the chain of command has always returned with, "Why did you go behind my back instead of coming to me?" and the relationship was ruined. The boss will never know how you feel unless you tell him, and it is better coming from you than HR or their boss.

    Contrary to popular belief (which you also appear to believe), your boss has no right to be inappropriate or lash out in anger at you. Calling them out (or critiquing, as you put it) without involving everyone else as a warning often works well. If the issues persist, then by all means, document and escalate.

17. Tammy HagerMarch 12,2024 at 2:36AM UTC

    Totally agree with you confronting him and your comments if we don't speak up it will continue. No one should ever be disrespected in front of colleagues or have discussions that are inappropriate in a professional setting. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and setting him straight!!

18. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 12:46PM UTC

    You did it right.

    You're brave. I will say you have sent an "affirmative energy or vibe" towards him before you speak to him. You meant no harm so he became receptive and I'm glad he apologized. I was new in a company and had a boss once who lashes out at everyone including me-I cried and felt humiliated, but I remained. After a merger took place, he was demoted.

19. Colleen HansonMarch 14,2024 at 2:50PM UTC

    While I definitely understand your position, I can tell you that I was once in a similar situation and was terminated the day after I spoke to my boss. Our company had no HR; it was owned and operated by two males. One of them repeatedly liked to talk about his genitalia and one day a customer overheard him so I had to say something. I was terminated the following day. No, there was no lawsuit because I could not prove what happened as the other employees jobs were threatened if they spoke to the EEOC about it. It came down to he said/she said. Some of us simply can't afford to speak up and risk losing our job.

20. AnonymousMarch 12,2024 at 1:44PM UTC

    I don’t know what everyone is talking about here… keep your head down.. he’s a jerk… basically get over it. Absolutely not!

    She addressed the unprofessional environment right away. Told him privately and directly what was inappropriate with examples…. AND got him to admit it on a recording! Definitely a lawsuit prepped for harassment and retaliation just in case!

    Nice work and leadership on this!

21. AnonymousMarch 12,2024 at 1:52PM UTC

    Wow there are so many cowards in this thread. Are y’all that scared of losing your job? “It’s none of your business.”?!? It absolutely is your business. If he can shout at your peer like a petulant toddler, he can do that to her too. It happened in front of her. What part of that isn’t her business?

    OP, I’m proud of you for confronting his abusive behavior. I hope it gets thru to him and you see some positive changes.

22. AnonymousMarch 13,2024 at 12:37PM UTC

    I don’t think people are cowards, there is a process in the corporate world for a lot of legal reasons and that is what HR is there for. I deal with Employment Practice matters and I can tell you right now that confronting this manager directly (outside of your own issue with him) will not get you anywhere but make you his new target. Also send him an email (for documentation) after you speak with him on your issue and then also speak to HR for back up, and then with HR, you can let them know about these other issues. Good luck but documentation is critical!

23. AnonymousMarch 13,2024 at 11:38PM UTC

    I totally agree with you! She apparently has no political experience in the workplace and has no clue what an appropriate conduct for a direct report is. She went ahead confronting without any backup from HR.

24. AnonymousMarch 13,2024 at 11:45PM UTC

    It is NOT a matter of being a "coward" but what is appropriate and what the process is for having HER BOSS GIVEN FEEDBACK. She is only 3 months in and she has given an impression of being uppity and thinking she is "hot stuff" to critiquing her boss. She has NO POLITICAL CAPITAL to begin with since she is new and I doubt she will last long at the current job.

25. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 12:16PM UTC

    It maybe poignanat to bring HR on board for some advice and support and least then, it will recorded for future reference.
    Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

26. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 3:55PM UTC

    It's not cowardly to recognize your place. It's smart. It's her place to address his treatment of her. It is not her place to address her treatment of a co-worker, even if it occurred in front of her. That is up to her co-worker to address. Someone lecturing their boss of 3 months on how to manage & treat people is only going to end badly.

    As for his comment about being cautious of married men when networking, she can address that with him. Simply by saying she didn't find that sort of advice appropriate. But again, she needs to be careful in how she phrases it.

27. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 3:56PM UTC

    So it's cowardly to advise someone to be smart in their communications & workplace behavior but not cowardly to post anonymously? If your advice is so brave & spot on, I wonder why you post anonymously.

28. AnonymousMarch 12,2024 at 6:56PM UTC

    He gets away with this because his boss lets him get away with it. At 3 months in, you probably won't get anywhere, but if you ask around, you might get advice from others who have seen his antics.

29. AnonymousMarch 12,2024 at 8:04PM UTC

    Only address your personal experience. Don't speak for your office mate. It is far more impactful and clear if each person addresses their own experience.

30. Shelly KatzeffMarch 13,2024 at 1:34PM UTC

    I strongly recommend that you address his inappropriate comment to you, but do not mention anything about his outlandish treatment of your office mate. Actually, it is not in your purview to do so and it can only hurt you in the short and long run. He sounds like a person in dire need of anger management classes and a lesson on appropriate office speech!

31. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 2:30PM UTC

    I disagree. Even though his behavior was directed toward her office mate, his actions also directly impacted her.

32. Shelly KatzeffMarch 14,2024 at 12:14AM UTC

    I wasn't suggesting a she mention anger management classes. I was pointing out a behavior weakness in her boss and one reason why she should NOT discuss how he treated her co-worker. Sorry if I was not clear on that!

33. Jackie DanielsMarch 14,2024 at 12:26PM UTC

    Don’t do this without a witness. Go to HR. They should be addressing this.

34. Sylvia VerrecchiaMarch 14,2024 at 12:55PM UTC

    You need to engage Human Resources on both of these. You cannot be addressing them yourself. He's a bully and creepy at the same time. And nobody wants to work with this type of colleague. Get HR engaged immediately.

35. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 3:48PM UTC

    I agree with others who say that you should not have this conversation alone with your boss.
    The guy sounds like a loose cannon who projects bad intentions on others without evidence. Certainly not the type of boss or man I'd want to be alone with!

36. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 5:24PM UTC

    You are correct, using loud tones and aggressive behavior has no place in a workplace. However, the comment about "married men" is concerning. Is he watching you for some other reason. I know that is a loaded statement, but I believe you are correct, his reason for saying that needs to be flushed out. So, there is no misunderstanding on his part. My thoughts are you really need to watch your footing around him. There is something much more afoot there than can be readily seen.

37. AnonymousMarch 14,2024 at 10:25PM UTC

    Do not have this conversation without a credible witness...

38. AnonymousMarch 16,2024 at 11:29PM UTC

    Betting that I get fired soon is terrible energy to put out there and I pray it doesn’t happen.