After some advice.

24 Comments

1. AnonymousNovember 13,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

   My suggestions would be first to document things. What specifically has the Director done. Did she make disparaging remarks? You will need to pull emotion (show facts rather than what you feel) from what you put down. That will let you know if you are possibly misinterpreting things or if the Director is just not nice. With the facts, you have the option to visit HR. Talk it over with the Director and show facts first before escalating it if you choose this route. Make sure you start working on a possible exit strategy just in case things do not work out.

2. AnonymousNovember 13,2023 at 4:52PM UTC

   IS FMLA a possibility?

3. AnonymousNovember 13,2023 at 5:17PM UTC

   Does she have a boss in the office? If so, go up the chain of command if you feel you can't talk to her rationally. Those types of people are the worst. I've had bosses like that in my tenure and I just transferred away from them ASAP.

   Make it known up front you are coming to him for advice and you would prefer not involving your boss. Most companies are a harassment free workplace in this day and age.

   Take the facts only. Try and leave the emotions out of what you discuss. You should tell him/her how your mental health is struggling. Start blind copying their boss on all your correspondence to her/him.

   10 years and you really love your job? Don't let Petty Patty put you out of your job. Have you had problems with bosses in the past? If not, your work should speak for itself.

   If your manager is worth a d@^& they will work with you and monitor your immediate supervisor's behavior and call her out on her bs.

   Good luck!

4. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistNovember 13,2023 at 5:17PM UTC

   Is finding another position within the company an option?

5. Huong Nguyen-ValleNovember 13,2023 at 6:22PM UTC

   This happened to me at an old job and I just had to quit. She made me feel worthless and second-guessing my skills. If you have to option to quit, please do. If not, find another job while you are working. Can you ask to work remotely?

6. AnonymousNovember 13,2023 at 8:48PM UTC

   If you are suffering then this is no longer healthy for you.

7. AnonymousNovember 14,2023 at 5:08AM UTC

   It sounds like you have a solid history with your company, especially up to the last 10 months. See if you can re-focus your efforts and write up your achievements for your resume.

   It would probably not be a bad idea to look for another job, either within the company or externally. When you see the other job descriptions, this should prompt you to remember some achievements that perhaps you have forgotten and make you realize that that your skills and input are really valuable despite what you have been experiencing.

   If you can work out your current situation, do it, but in the end you may find that leaving the company is the best decision. I was once in a similar situation and from my current perspective can see that this situation was actually a favor to me: I left the company and not only did I end up in a job that I really enjoyed but doubled my salary in just three years! This situation may be what propels you to an even better one!

8. GirlBossanova934974November 14,2023 at 2:07PM UTC

   The very first thing I would do is look for a transfer to another group. Your company sounds like it has been around for some time. Just go over to HR and inquire about any open positions or IF AVAILABLE, use the internal company jobs portal to apply. As a current employee, you are going to get preference in hiring. I have transferred off TWO sinking ship divisions in my time. It was well worth it. DO NOT WAIT for matters to become so bad that your new manager is going to badmouth you. Just politely be on your way! If that does not, look for another company.

9. JDNovember 14,2023 at 2:22PM UTC

   Definitely look elsewhere. Managers aren't going to change their behaviors.

   ALSO, if you've built up a group of people who like working with you, USE THAT network to find other work. Be honest about the situation with your manager (if appropriate based on the strength and how personal your connection is).

10. AnonymousNovember 14,2023 at 2:59PM UTC

    I went through that … for months after I told my boss that I had gotten in to a doctoral program.. he was after me with picky stuff that moved to outrageous and scary stuff… so much so that I made a minor administrative error, I was fired, and the single mistake has followed me ever since. I was looking for a new job at the time and was back to work in 2 weeks. I stayed as long as I did because as a new widow with 6 kids, I just had to keep the money rolling in. leave now , don’t let yourself get caught up in your managers bat shit craziness …

11. EMILY KIKUE FRANKNovember 14,2023 at 4:47PM UTC

    I've been where you are and it sucks big-time. Unfortunately, it's almost certainly not going to get better, so start looking. And ask what your workplace's FMLA policy is so you can get that time off, if possible. Your doctor will probably work with you to get that cleared, if you can afford it.

12. AnonymousNovember 14,2023 at 5:35PM UTC

    So sorry you are experiencing this. So many people that make it into leadership positions are not fit to lead. Many times, it’s because they produced well in their previous positions, but that isn’t what makes a good leader. Please consider quietly looking into your organization’s FMLA policy, as well as finding a new position. In the meantime, head up, shoulders back, and be ready to jump to FMLA, if needed. It is a shame that companies looking to increase productivity seem to go about it the absolute wrong way, and do not take into consideration how difficult (and expensive) it is to find and train new people, who also won’t stay long when they figure out they are working for the unfit to lead. You probably are not the only one, however, from personal experience, it’s very hard to have a confidential conversation about someone like this - which can make it worse. Sometimes just knowing you have some outlet helps you get through these times. Hugs!

13. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 1:35PM UTC

    Wow, sorry to hear this. I just released myself from a very similar situation. Do what is best for your mental health. Stress can kill. Find something that is not so stressful or if you can set up an appointment with HR and your Director. My heart goes out to you.

14. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 1:59PM UTC

    I had to leave a great company for similar reasons. I tried moving internally but my boss blocked it. Best to say nothing, maintain a low profile, and find an external opportunity.

15. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 2:07PM UTC

    I feel for you. I just left a position with similar director for a different position within the company. Most of the time I liked the work I had but left for a position that I have no experience with just to leave that manager. I was the 7th person this person supervised that has left in less than 3 years but the organization doesn't get a clue. Get your resume in order and look at FMLA (I was looking at that option and employee assistance program too). I have some regrets for leaving the position's work but I feel physically better now even though I am in a position I'm not sure about yet and still looking. Check into your employee assistance program if available.

16. CosmosMomNovember 15,2023 at 2:22PM UTC

    I’m sorry you are going through this. Please take the time to remind yourself you’ve been there 10 years, and you don’t need to distrust your judgment- it’s fine if you’ve been there that long. I am struggling with a lead myself with whom I cannot be honest without consequence. It’s a horrible feeling. But you must be good at your job, don’t let her take that from you.

17. Patricia CrookNovember 15,2023 at 2:38PM UTC

    Odds are that many in your department feel the same way. Could you transfer out of her jurisdiction?

18. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 2:40PM UTC

    Go for the FMLA!

    I'm on FMLA right now after experiencing severe anxiety and depression after an ambush (about my performance and attitude) by my manager who has, for the last several months and after resigning from her own position, been freezing me out. After a year of stellar performance reviews and a close working relationship, she, too, made me feel stupid and incompetent. I tried apologizing and understanding her point of view figuring maybe I was misreading the situation, but she ignored my overtures and ended the meeting abruptly with no instructions or recommendations. The next day I applied for FMLA, saw my therapist and then my doctor. I'm now trying to get my head together and decide what my next step should be. She is the HR Director (yes, truly) and leaves in January.

19. Valerie ManahanNovember 15,2023 at 3:03PM UTC

    Workplace Bullying:

    https://hbr.org/2022/11/how-bullying-manifests-at-work-and-how-to-stop-it

20. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 3:51PM UTC

    Make sure to speak with your doctor you need to get the help you need to deal with this now and to also create documentation.
    Counseling is also highly recommended. This is a medical issue on how it is affecting you and is a good candidate for Short Term Disability. Short Term Disability does require a medical need and you will be paid for the time off up to the amount allowed in your benefits. FMLA is nice but there is no money.

    This is bullying - report it. If you have a legal hotline use it. Get the ball rolling - it will only get better if the person bullying is gone, counseled or you leave. However, even if you leave you will still be dealing with PTSD.

21. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 5:18PM UTC

    Wow. I could’ve written this word for word about 6 months ago. I had to take FMLA for 3 months and was in therapy for a year. In my case, I’m 56 so I got an attorney and we were able to file Age Discrimination and Retaliation charges - finally settled with the company without going to trial. I’d been there 9 years and loved my job. I’m doing better now that I’m out of it but I’m still searching for work which is it’s own type of stress. Unfortunately bullying is completely legal unless it can be attributed to a protected class like age, disability, etc. — this needs to change.

22. AnonymousNovember 15,2023 at 5:45PM UTC

    I would check to see if your company has an EAP program (employee assistance program) I am not sure if you are in the US but if you are ask about taking a stress related break where your role is protected. Alternatively there are 2 other options depending upon how well you can emotionally handle things. Clearly you need recognition for the work you do and to feel supported, you could sit her down with HR in tow and let her know that currently you are lacking this from her and as a long time employee of the company want to be sure you work out how to best collaborate and support on both sides the work you have to do. Come up with a written plan and stick to it with her. HR should help with this. Don't blame, don't point fingers, it seems like just a style or management (or lack thereof) issue. She might need training. These days many people are put into leadership roles with zero training and the usually spend their time managing up. Or you could sit her down and tell her what you need from her, tell her how you respond to doing a great job and that you want her to give you those things that you need. I assume she is not clairvoyant so you need to train her on how you work and let her know what motivates you and what makes you excel. If you focus on getting to excellence for both of you and keeping it at that you just might be surprised by the outcome. Is there a skip level leader who might broker a conversation with her again not finger pointing but to help you here? It is entirely possible that because you are so tenured she is leaving you alone and you just don't want that. Good luck, and perhaps outside therapy for your angst would help as well. If nothing I have said above is stuff you would consider to do you might be forced by your own inability to stand up for your own needs to look elsewhere.

23. Cindy GloverNovember 15,2023 at 10:40PM UTC

    Honey - I was you 1 1/2 months ago until I walked in on a Monday morning and threw my keys at

    my boss.

    I laid in bed and cried for 2 weeks straight.

    Do you have a PCP?

24. Anna Lovell-Nesmith Professional Burnout SpecialistNovember 20,2023 at 9:44PM UTC

    I'm so sorry to hear this. There is a lot to unpack here. I am a professional burnout specialist and I would be happy to jump on a call with you and see if there is a strategy I can offer you to navigate the tight chest and tears. I realize you didn't mention burnout but after reading your post, I would really like to offer you a free strategy to help you work through what is going on. You should not have to work in environment like the one she is creating.