Not being heard at work

34 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 5:49PM UTC

   I think you were heard loud and clear.

   Sounds like your boss is not terribly engaged or interested in your duties and insights.

2. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 6:59PM UTC

   Oof! Good for you for landing your point. Continue to be firm and focused on making your point. Anyhoo, there's nothing wrong with asserting your point with a bit of influx in tone to emphasize your points. I'm always looking to improve my delivery + communication skills, so I understand where you're coming from.

   As long as it didn't end in a scream match, I think you did great!!! LOL

   If you're looking on ways to improve your communications skills, take a few courses on how to communicate with executives, emotional intelligence courses, etc. There's a ton of great resources on how we all use a tune up in how we communicate.

3. sayantika mukherjeeJuly 20,2023 at 7:17PM UTC

   It's not uncommon to feel frustrated and unheard at work, especially when you're passionate about the topics you're discussing. Many people including me have experienced similar situations where they struggle to get their ideas across or feel dismissed by their superiors. I once had a manager who would absolutely look through me when I would say something and immediately go to a male team member to get his validation on the idea I proposed. But like I always say, we have to play the dysfunctional hand that we have been dealt.

   Here are some thoughts and insights that might help you navigate this situation:

   1. Stay Calm and Composed: It's essential to stay composed during discussions, even if you feel passionate about the topic. Raising your voice can sometimes be misinterpreted as aggression, so try to remain calm and speak assertively instead.

   2. Choose the Right Time and Place: Consider picking an appropriate time and private setting to discuss important matters with your boss. Avoid bringing up critical issues in the middle of a busy workday or in a crowded office space where interruptions are likely.

   3. Be Clear and Concise: When you're discussing your ideas or concerns, try to be clear and concise. Organize your thoughts beforehand to present them effectively. This can help avoid interruptions and ensure that your message is delivered clearly.

   4. Active Listening: Remember that effective communication is a two-way process. Practice active listening when your boss or colleagues speak, and expect the same from them. If you feel your ideas aren't being heard, politely ask for their attention and express the importance of what you have to say.

   5. Follow Up in Writing: When your boss requests you to send an email with your suggestions, take the opportunity to lay out your thoughts in a well-structured manner. This allows you to articulate your ideas thoroughly and provides a written record for future reference.

   6. Seek Support from Peers: If you feel like your ideas are consistently being overlooked, consider discussing your concerns with trusted colleagues. They might offer valuable insights or suggestions on how to effectively communicate with your superiors.

   7. Reflect on Your Communication Style: Take some time to reflect on how you communicate with others, both verbally and non-verbally. Consider if any aspects of your communication style might inadvertently contribute to the issue.

   8. Request Feedback: Don't hesitate to ask your boss or colleagues for feedback on your communication and ideas. Understanding their perspective can help you improve your approach.

   Continue to express yourself confidently and assertively while maintaining a respectful tone. By doing so, you'll increase the chances of being heard and respected for your contributions.

   One PRO tip (I have tested this myself many times with several bosses): When you are in a conference room or so, do not go sit at the back. Go sit right in the front, for visibility. That alone puts people at the edge of their seats who think they can talk over you.

   If I won't find a chair at the front, I go borrow a chair from a different room and sit in the front.

   Let me know if this helps

4. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 7:51PM UTC

   OP here. Thank you for your tips. The interesting thing is I feel that if I had spoken in my normal tone, he would not have listened. He would have talked over me as that is his personality. I don't regret how I handled it as I believe it made him sit up and listen. I am fine with anything consequential as a result, but I believe I did the right thing. I am tired of being his punching bag as he has been targeting me for a few months now. Fyi - he is relatively new and I have been with the company for over 10 years.

5. sayantika mukherjeeJuly 20,2023 at 8:47PM UTC

   Been in your shoes, I absolutely know how it feels. I have had many spineless managers who would never stand up for what was going on in the workplace, even after repeated feedbacks given in 1:1. But I do not agree with not being assertive. Assertive is our prime bullet point for visibility. Assertive does not mean raising your voice. Assertive meaning not ending your suggestions in questions. Assertive meaning you believe in something that you are suggesting and you agree to disagree,

6. AnonymousJuly 22,2023 at 5:38PM UTC

   I hope things are changing and the relation improving. I did a similar thing but I was newer and he was in an acting role. It ended up in a hostile work complaint. His manager threatened me with discipline when we were supposed to be discussing the hostile work situation. The catch is that bosses boss who oversees the entire district (large federal agency) had interrupted our meeting with phone call. They were aware of the meeting and what was taking place. I tried speaking with the union but the rep. Is friends with my manager and reports to the same command line. Didn’t offer a grievance. I filed a pre-complaint with EEO as required by my agency. AND told the HR specialist for my unit. It’s precisely because I went to the HR spec. That there was a managerial inquiry. This inquiry was a fact finding mission to limit employer liability. They didn’t allow the meeting to be recorded transcribed (and not verbatim) the meeting and required me to sign it. It was similar to what I said occurred but definitely not what I thought/described happening. The managers conducting the investigation report to the same manager that called my bosses boss during our 1:1 closed door meeting. I am so glad that I filed a EEO pre-complaint (even though it’s still internal to the agency). I think it is the ONLY chance I have to hold people accountable for misconduct and abuse of power/authority. Or even for an impartial investigation. I just want the truth to surface. My truth is that the organizational culture isn’t following the laws and spirit of DEI. I encourage you to study emotional labor, micro-aggressions, and tone policing. Emotional intelligence is important but in my experience my emotions aren’t the problem (they are my problem and to be handled by me) it’s that the content can’t be heard unless I change the delivery i.e, speak without emotion, when I have been harmed/wrong. Very difficult to do. I wish you luck, peace, and growth within your journey. Please keep advocating for your voice (it is valuable and there for you to use) and other marginalized voices. People watch your empowerment. They watch office dynamics. I have been approached by more coworkers during my process telling me they froze. They are learning and watching by my fight.

7. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 7:23PM UTC

   Perception is what matters. I would suggest to never raise your voice thinking that is the way to be heard. Being assertive and yelling don't bode well in the workplace. Learning to stand out may need to be adaptable to your type of manager but yelling is not it. (raising your voice)

8. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 7:35PM UTC

   OP here. I really wasn't yelling, but had to assert myself to be heard. Quite frankly, I don't know how it was perceived by him, but I know I got heard and he is now listening to my proposed solutions.

9. sayantika mukherjeeJuly 20,2023 at 8:48PM UTC

   Assertive and yelling are not the same. You need to be assertive at workplace. If you cannot be assertive or it is not welcome in the workplace, that would raise a serious question for employee satisfaction and workplace toxicity in that workplace.

10. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 8:26PM UTC

    Raising your voice even a little is never a good look in business. It diminishes your message. Some of the most powerful leaders in business can bring a room to its knees with a low even tone. Confidence can be deafening. Don't confuse volume with assertiveness.

11. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 10:53PM UTC

    Honestly: how critical is the situation ??
    Be truthful.

    If you have a concern, go about it in a composed manner. Sounds like management already heard your concern and for whatever reason, cannot accommodate your request.

    If you are passionate about the change, be smart. Writing out the situation, the ramifications, the PROVEN solution. Otherwise, time to move elsewhere

    JMO

12. AnonymousJuly 21,2023 at 2:37AM UTC

    The ability to regulate your emotions is a true sign of emotional intelligence. Master that and you own your world.

13. AnonymousJuly 21,2023 at 12:36PM UTC

    Perhaps they don’t care what you have to say. Perhaps it isn’t critical or they’ve heard it before. Or perhaps it’s not something they can do anything about. Just because you think something is important doesn’t mean it is.

    Raising your voice should be rarely deployed tactic. Practice saying things like, I’m sure you have heard about this. Please let me finish because I believe I have alternate solutions that could help. Practice so things like that roll off your tongue and you don’t have to think twice.

14. AnonymousJuly 21,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

    It sounds like you think you weren’t heard because your ideas weren’t implemented. Just because you have an idea, even a good one, doesn’t mean it will be implemented. Your behavior with your supervisor toed the line to inappropriate. If your ideas are not implemented this time, let it go.

15. Gretchen SkalkaJuly 21,2023 at 1:01PM UTC

    Most people do one (or both) of two things when they believe they're not being heard:

    1. They repeat the same content (circular or repeated discussion topics)
    2. They raise their voice (amplify - and can get emotional)

    The fact that you don't feel heard is the key point I'm taking away from your post - and I wanted to ask if you've felt unheard in your role here before? As in - this isn't new for you with this topic or, perhaps, other topics?

    Being interrupted can make everyone feel unheard and there are some great techniques to help train people not to do that to you.

    Here's a quick video about interruptions that goes into a bit more detail with examples here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhakgeIzFj4

    (forgive the crappy quality, please)

    On the other side of handling interruptions (which become fewer and farther between when you consistently address them in the ways described in that video) - there is how to communicate how you're feeling when something is upsetting or exciting to you.

    This is more of a 'read the room' kind of thing, where you can learn some techniques to calibrate your communication style depending on your audience.

    That is important - in fact, it is critical to being heard.

    It's terribly difficult (and rather dangerous) to assume why you weren't being heard, why someone interrupted you and so forth.

    If it's a repeated pattern with the same person - that's actually a good thing because the predictability means there are patterns and where there are patterns you can introduce minor course corrections with behavior that can create new, healthier ones.

    If it's NOT a repeated pattern with the same person - that's a good thing, as well, because it could be a wholly subjective thing completely unrelated to you in any negative way. You can absolutely work with that.

    I know it's frustrating and can be downright maddening to feel unheard, but try to step back and review the situation to find the opportunities in them because I promise you they're there.

    In the end - the way we communicate anything determines if it can even be heard by the other party (and that goes for them, as well).

    Look at him as your partner in resolving this situation.

    :)

16. AnonymousJuly 21,2023 at 2:30PM UTC

    This conversation sounds to me like what most managers want of their employees. They don't want you to come in with a problem and expect them to make them magically disappear. Often they will chalk it up to you just "venting" a frustration. They want you to come in and identify a challenge and propose a way to solve it. This is what you did when you were finally heard.

    As for raising your voice, when working in a highly charged situation, I have found that the more practical thing to do is lower your voice. The person you are talking to will always want to adjust their tone and volume to overwhelm yours, so if someone is "yelling," lowering your voice is more effective than yelling louder. It also tends to de-escalate the situation.

17. Rebecca MillikenJuly 21,2023 at 3:21PM UTC

    It depends on what the situation is whether or not this is an issue. Is your input asked for and is it welcomed? I guess what I'm saying is it depends on your role at work. I'm not saying you don't have a right to give your opinion and you shouldn't be listened to. I'm saying it depends on if your role is that of a person who is included in decision making or not.

    If you are someone who is supposed to be providing feedback and it's just that the bosses aren't listening, this isn't surprising. I've been in the same situation. I think it's hard for a woman to be heard if the audience is all men sometimes. They do not actually listen to what you are saying. If you raise your voice, it makes things worse. They're like, "Oh what is she yelling about now?"

    When I was in that kind of work situation, I found I had to pick my battles and put things in writing when I needed to discuss something. Then it's in black and white. And be parsimonious about what you talk about because to them, it just starts being noise like a mosquito buzzing and they don't listen.

18. Rebecca MillikenJuly 21,2023 at 3:25PM UTC

    Reading through the whole thread it looks like it worked in this situation so I guess it depends on the personalities involved. But I still would give the same advice--pick your battles and put it in writing.

19. AYANNALYSEJuly 21,2023 at 5:16PM UTC

    Stop telling start doing .. that's why you're not being heard .. if your actions don't follow why should they ?

20. AnonymousJuly 21,2023 at 5:36PM UTC

    Hmmmm. Coming from someone who doesn't know the details of the situation. How do you know the OP hasn't acted? SMH.

21. AYANNALYSEJuly 23,2023 at 2:10AM UTC

    Because I'm going based on what she wrote.. "they don't care what I have to say"

22. AnonymousJuly 23,2023 at 8:17AM UTC

    Obviously , she has acted but unfortunately the knuckleheads at the top are not listening. Typical male posturing.

23. Rosa ThomasJuly 24,2023 at 1:58AM UTC

    We don't know the gender of the person her boss reports to. Women can he "knuckleheads" too.

24. Barbara ThompsonJuly 21,2023 at 5:47PM UTC

    Just wondering if talking to other executives, in addition to your boss, might be seen by him as ‘going over his head’ and has actually angered him. Sticking to chain of command protocols except in emergencies is usually important at work.

25. AliJuly 23,2023 at 2:13PM UTC

    Chain of Command is more often used as a substitute for actual leadership and sounds like a cultural problem. If this is a repeated occurrence and the employee is not getting resolution, you, as the manager, are not leading correctly.

26. AnonymousJuly 21,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    I would when writing to him let him know the passion that you were expressing was a desire to be heard and while perhaps changes might not align with what you are sharing you want to know that your input is taken into consideration as this does affect you and your role. If you find consistently that they don't give a fig then it is time to look elsewhere. You should be listened to at the very least. Definitely doing it in writing and bcc your personal mail too is best.

27. AnonymousJuly 21,2023 at 7:54PM UTC

    Why bcc yourself??? Just forward sent mail.

28. AnonymousJuly 22,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    You want the original email should you need it for anything.

29. AnonymousJuly 22,2023 at 2:18PM UTC

    Original email has the timestamp and all details. But whatever. To each their own

30. AnonymousJuly 22,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

    Because, if for some reason the company uses the behavior as a reason to terminate her then she has proof of this. I often suggest that those who might be at risk do a bcc because then you have more leverage in a legal situation when dealing with the company in the aftermath. I work in HR/Legal.

31. AnonymousJuly 22,2023 at 6:11PM UTC

    BCC to whomever and/or forward sent mail. Hopefully smart enough to include PERSONAL email

32. AnonymousJuly 23,2023 at 10:23PM UTC

    This whole post just makes me think of all the different things I've read about women being forced to minimize or make themselves smaller because of men in the workplace. I'm sorry to hear, I've been in a similar situation and it is not easy. I think it's always a gamble when women try ANYTHING because of the way our society is run. I think you might've pulled it off. Write that letter, try to stay positive and professional like this isn't bothering you so they can't pull the "women are so emotional" bs. Good luck.

33. AnonymousAugust 10,2023 at 12:07PM UTC

    My ex-wife reports directly to a FEMALE and has this same issue multiple times. While I, a male, report to another male and have also had this issue repeatedly. To base this issue on gender is an assumption and nothing more. Maybe the ideas aren't good. Or they aren't financially feasible at this time. To the actual OP, keep doing you and your job. Even if your ideas aren't followed you'll get the satisfaction of being right eventually. Hopefully.

34. Rosa ThomasJuly 24,2023 at 1:53AM UTC

    It is important to consider the difference between being "heard" and being "heeded". Your boss obviously heard your previous messages. He may have even passed them on to the execs he advises you to email now. However, they did not heed your advice. They may be immovable for whatever reasons, on your concerns. What I'm saying is, their inaction does not mean you were not heard. They may just have to suffer the consequences of their inaction before they change.