Being Assertive without being impolite

9 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 3:59AM UTC

   Find strategies tgat teach boundaries and self confidence. Rather than reacting to others, learn to be centered and trust your own strengths. Brent brown provides a gentle approach at working on rebuilding self. Mel Robbins is very practical in her teachings.

2. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 1:03PM UTC

   Do you work with women or men? How long have you worked there?

3. AnonymousAugust 29,2023 at 1:57PM UTC

   I work with both. I worked here for 5 years, but transitioned into a new role about a year ago.

4. MislynAugust 30,2023 at 11:12AM UTC

   Stand your ground and let them know exactly how you feel. I went from being walked all over to taking things in my own hands and standing up for myself. Put yourself in control and show them your not going to put up with disrespect.

5. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 12:35PM UTC

   This is a great book:

   https://www.amazon.co.uk/Assertiveness-Guide-Women-Communicate-Relationships/dp/1626253374

   and sounds like your coworkers don't care about being impolite if you describe them in your face. Your voice/wants/needs are deserving of space too. Go take up the space that is yours and stand your ground.

6. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 2:05PM UTC

   If someone accuses you - state the truth, ignore rumors and only address them when confronted (make sure your actions do not confirm the rumors), be positive and strong about yourself/your team in actions and words. Take the high road and be above responding the way it was presented to you. Do not look for "the gossip". It is only an opinion (and you know the saying about opinions). Believe in yourself when nobody else does.

7. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 2:08PM UTC

   It depends on the person being disrespectful and how they act. I don't like the "in your face" type of attack because I have PTSD, which triggers symptoms, so my actions/reactions may differ from yours. I have learned to let them say their piece and ask, "Are you finished because I want to respond?" Then I lower my voice (de-escalation technique) and tell them that what they said I found very hurtful and unnecessary. I then summarize how I see their issue and ask if that is how they see it. Then, we take the conversation forward in a more constructive manner. When someone is "in your face," you cannot have any sort of conversation until the situation de-escalates. Letting them know how you feel is important because they will tell you if they are ready to continue with a "real" conversation or want to rant and defame.

   Rumors and gossip are another issue but can do similar damage to your reputation. Some other resources that people had may be more beneficial than anything I can say here.

8. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 4:40PM UTC

   I had a former boss who was a verbally abusive bully, which motivated me to work on assertiveness techniques with my therapist. Some tips from him that I found especially useful were:

   1. Know that assertiveness is a good thing even though it often does not feel good to exercise; when others who may be in a heightened state of emotion are met with an assertive response, they will likely respond aggressively, passive aggressively, and/or defensively. This is not a reflection on you. You do not have control over others' feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. However, you do have control over your own.
   2. If someone approaches you in an accusatory manner as you described, consider responding with an open-ended question such as: "Why do you feel it is okay to talk to me like that?" or "What is your goal in treating me/talking to me in this way?" or "What is the expected outcome you seek from treating me like this?". These types of questions prompt the other person to think about their actions and provide a reason as to why they are acting that way. It often shuts emotionally-charged people down immediately, triggering an "I don't know" response or something similar because the "reasoning" for their behavior is highly irrational. Some people might not even think before they act. There is no rational reason to scream in someone's face.
   3. Exercise your boundaries with "I feel [X emotion] because [provide a fact about the situation]." Facts are facts, and they cannot be disputed. For example, "I feel uncomfortable speaking to you because you yelled in my face last time we spoke." This allows you to take responsibility for your emotions without blaming the other person, express how you're feeling, and sets a boundary by letting the other person know that doing or saying [X fact] crossed that line for you.
   4. Always consider when and where these conversations or confrontations may take place. These factors may influence the outcome of these situations. For example, it would likely not be beneficial for you to engage in a conversation with a hostile coworker/boss first thing in the morning when you will have to engage with them for the remainder of the work day. It may be a better idea to wait until an hour before close of business so that your coworker/boss will not only have less opportunities to retaliate against you, but also so they will have to sit with their sour emotions at home, where you aren't present to deal with them. Similarly, a tough conversation may best be taken place on a Friday instead of a Monday for those same reasons.
   5. Lastly, be mindful of who is around or able to hear these interactions. It is always good to have a third party who is not involved to be present so there is a witness should anything escalate. Public places are preferable to private spaces. If a public space is not available, at the very least be aware of whether or not this interaction is being video-taped for your own protection.

   I hope this is as helpful to you as is was to me. Best of luck to you in navigating this toxic work environment and remember: assertiveness is a valuable skill! It will only improve as you continue to exercise it.

9. AnonymousAugust 30,2023 at 10:00PM UTC

   I think you just need to be direct and honest. Be firm when you speak, look people in the eye and if someone is trying to sully your reputation tell them that is not acceptable, point blank.