Resentful after layoff

24 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 3:13PM UTC

   I was laid off due to budgeting long ago. One woman whose job i had to do --- and earned the company $$ because she refused to after a YEAR - she's still there due to 'seniorty'. I saved $100k plus and she's been there (lazy) longer than me.

   It's their loss.

   Regarding your friends: I can see why you want to remain friends, but move on as well.

   Suggest you meet for a movie or whatever and have the rule: don't discuss business. If they can't respect that - might be their loss as well while you move on.

   Self preservation is important!!

2. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 4:41PM UTC

   Good advice. Unless you’re on social media it is difficult to keep up with former coworkers.

   But you should really be celebrating that you found another job that you love. Trust me, I so wanted to go back to my old company but I ended up in a much better place. Also, a few of my colleagues have retired and the culture itself has changed (they moved my dept. from the main building to a lesser duller facility)

3. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 3:48PM UTC

   I also got laid off in February and am also resentful. I believe that I was let go over someone who had been in the same role for 3 months because of diversity requirements...

4. Barb HansenSeptember 11,2023 at 4:03PM UTC

   it's always tough to lose a job that we love but I try to remember the following:

   --Humans develop emotional connections to things and other people, but companies can not.

   --To companies, we are all line items in a database, and that line item can be deleted when the company needs or wants to reorg.

   If you like the people you used to work with, continue your relationships with them. If they bring up work issues from your previous employer, mention to them that you would rather not talk about it and try to move the conversation to other topics. If this friendship circle seems to be focused on your shared work experience (and it can't move on), that's fine. You can still remain connected with them on LinkedIn, through email and an occasional chat or lunch.

5. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 4:25PM UTC

   It's like a divorce. The person or persons stuck in in the mess live it everyday. They don't see outside the bubble. Its all still very much a part of their daily life. This is where they live while you have moved on and have made new connections.

   Give them time and keep guiding them to new subject matter. Share joy and personal news unrelated to the past.

   Your resentment will stay alive when you are stuck with references to the past. Your friends may only have that in common.

6. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 4:25PM UTC

   You have to trust that KARMA will come around. i worked for a company for well-over a decade. It was a small team and I was, by any account, responsible for much of its growth. The owner (albeit a bit(!) narcissistic ) said he would never sell... but if he did sell, I would be taken care of.

   Nothing but lies.

   It has take me years to not actively wish him harm and trust that KARMA will come around.

7. Bosslady520080September 11,2023 at 4:28PM UTC

   When you visit with them (via phone, in person, Zoom, whatever) ask them to not bring the company up. Anything else is fair game, just not anything related to your old company.

8. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 4:56PM UTC

   I got laid off in 2010 from a company and I'm STILL salty about it because it threw my entire life into a tailspin and it was completely avoidable. I kept in touch with a few coworkers and guess what- they're salty too. It will fade in time, but to be honest I don't know that it ever completely goes away.

9. AnonymousSeptember 19,2023 at 1:52PM UTC

   I lost years at an employer when I was 60. It meant I could not contribute to my pension. Threw my life off balance, too with no time to recover. I understand why you are salty.

10. AnonymousSeptember 11,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    Is it possible you can reframe this from feeling resentful to feeling relieved? Yes, you were done wrong based on what you've laid out here, but you now have a job you love, and you're not caught up in "the mess". Lucky you, indeed! And definitely focus on talking about things other than your former employer with your former colleagues. If they're real-life friends, you'll move to a new stage of friendship. If they were more friends of convenience and the only thing holding you together was a shared employer, the relationships will likely fade with time (and that's ok, it happens all the time).

11. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career CoachSeptember 11,2023 at 6:58PM UTC

    Journaling can be a great tool to hash this out. You may not have just let yourself be upset and sad over getting let go. Feel all the feelings and then start letting it go. Reframe the way you see your lay off in your mind. You said you LOVE your new job, start listing out all the ways it has HELPED you vs HURT you in the long run. Looking at unpleasant situations from a "where did this lead me/what can I learn from this" lens can help you see it differently .

    Anytime the topic is brought up you can change the subject. Even by just saying that's tough. How is your family doing? Can help steer the conversation in a new direction. If you try this and it keeps coming back to watercooler talk, you can even tell them you're trying to let that place go and would rather talk about something else. They probably don't realize they are doing it either

12. Sarah BordersSeptember 12,2023 at 1:39PM UTC

    I can kind of relate to this feeling. My entire team was dissolved in February, but I was kept on until mid-April to close out our activities.

    You know the movie “The Princess Bride”, where Westley relays how he was captured and put to work every day by the Dread Pirate Roberts, and every night, he said to him, “Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning”? I was on borrowed time, and every week after I no longer had a team felt like that to me. If I made it to noon on Tuesday, I knew they weren’t going to let me go *that* week.

    I was already resentful of my reality at work, but this experience built up a lot more resentment for me.

    Once I separated, what helped me was to set boundaries with my former colleagues who were still working with the same employer. It’s OK to say to them something like, “Right now, I need to be separated from what’s going on at work, but I want to stay connected with you. I support you professionally and as a friend, but for my mental health, I need not to hear about the fallout from layoffs.” You don’t want to marinate in your resentment, and you don’t want to relish in the schadenfreude either. It’s all negative energy, and your friends should understand.

    Setting those boundaries should go a long way toward helping you heal and not feel resentful. Other than that, it’s like a breakup, and I think the only thing that can really help is time. Good luck to you!

13. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 5:59PM UTC

    Burn an effigy in some way of the old boss and then get over it. Alternatively, reach out to the person in the leadership role that let that person go and find out if there is a possibility to return when they find a role that suits you. Then you know it wasn't about you, but more about them. Politics high up often wreck good teams and budgets get shifted and moved that often blow things up especially in larger Fortune companies where they are fighting for every penny and justification. Air your feelings to the folks who you trust though you want to be sure it does not spin around as defamatory to the old company because they make ask you to cease and desist. Or simply post a review to glassdoor and then let it go, visualize yourself closing that glassdoor and never thinking about the negativity again.

14. Balanced372207September 19,2023 at 1:47PM UTC

    Why try to go back there? No. That door has been slammed shut. Leave it that way.

15. AnonymousSeptember 12,2023 at 8:13PM UTC

    I was recently "managed out" of a dream job by an incompetent, narcissistic boss who thought they could do literally every single thing in the world better than everyone else, was incredibly angry all the time and had no filter, used me as a scapegoat for all the problems they caused, and repeatedly took away responsibilities with no justification and no discussion. You bet I'm resentful.

16. AnonymousSeptember 13,2023 at 12:55AM UTC

    Tell your friends that it isn’t helping you move forward rehashing this and change the topic. If they are true friends they will get it and move on. Odds are they think that letting you know all this helps you know that it’s them not you who is the problem.

    Then focus on making peace and moving on.

    if all they have or can contribute to the friendship is rehashing this. Then take a step back from them too or you’ll never move forward.

17. Danielle MadoleSeptember 13,2023 at 12:58AM UTC

    I was laid off as well and it was rough but once you get some time and perspective you have utter gratitude. That was a gift, just like previous relationships that didn't work out; it was painful for a while and then you got hindsight and now you have gratitude as you see the value in that experience in the big picture. You have to not only forgive that old paradigm, but thank it for opening new doors and allowing the next chapter of your life to begin. But if you don't forgive, you can't move forward and you deserve to evolve.

18. AnonymousSeptember 17,2023 at 2:55PM UTC

    i was “laid off” at the end of 2020 at my job of 20 years. I was targeted by one of my former bosses. He would act revengeful by not speaking to me and giving my work to my subordinate, who happened to be my sister for no reason but his ego and because he could. This really affected my mental health. I was in a very dark place. When I spoke up about the abuse, I was then further ousted of my duties and ultimately let go. The strain this still has on me is so hard to let go especially since my sister still works there. Makes me think she liked the attention and was happy about taking my job for more money that she was in on it the whole time. I have since ended my relationship with my sister. She told me that she wasn’t able to talk to me in fear of getting in trouble for it at work. She ultimately chose the job over me.

19. Balanced372207September 19,2023 at 1:45PM UTC

    Some relative. She will learn that jobs come and go, but sisters are forever.

20. Melissa H. ByersSeptember 17,2023 at 4:50PM UTC

    I do feel for you, my friend. I was let go due to "reorganization" (I suspect that it was really because I took a horrible VP who called me out and sscolded me at an open meeting, to HR) and was unable to find another job, I suspect because of ageism. I finally retired and went on Social Security, but I resent it even so. Then, a few months ago, I saw my job, with some added responsibilities, listed on the company's web site for $30k less than I was making! I made the huge rookie mistake of posting about it on my "private" page, and was called on it by one of my former bosses. I removed the post, and feel foolish for thinking I could post it without repercussions. My roommate also worked for the same company, and last week, they let him go on trumped up charges. I am still friendly with a few people from the company, but fewer all the time. And, the majority of the people with whom I was close have also left the company, some the same way I did, and others of their own volition. The place is in chaos from what I've heard, and I take a peverse pleasure in that.

    I've found that the best way to remain friendly with former co-workers is to try to keep the conversations on other topics you have in common. Those for whom the only connection was the common workplace will fall away. But any real friendships you made will remain.

    I'm so happy for you that you found a new job that you love. I hope you find new friendships there that will ease the pain of the old company.

21. AnonymousSeptember 18,2023 at 12:59AM UTC

    This may not be what you want to hear, but maybe you need to cut ties with your friends with the other company, especially if all they do is "watercooler" talk, which triggers you. Have you made any new friends at the new company? Maybe that is where you could focus your efforts. Maintain a couple of friends from the old place to provide references and assist in networking, but let the rest go.

22. tiffany birchSeptember 18,2023 at 11:48PM UTC

    It sounds like it may be time to let go of your old friends from your previous job, as they seem to be triggering you. Try getting into like minded networking groups. When you hold on to the past, there isn't much room for the better. What would that look like for you?

23. AyianSeptember 19,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

    The first issue is your mental health getting hung up on an employers behavior. Employers aren't your friends and never should be considered that way. Employers do not care about employees. Employees are just a means to getting the job done. These events have no direct relation to you or your life other than that a lack of employment makes living your life more difficult. However as you say, you were laid off, so you were eligible for unemployment and even got another job quickly. Therefore, the impact on your life was negligible. You are now CHOOSING to dwell on the actions of a person or group that doesn't care about you, period. Why? If you don't like feeling this way, it's time to consciously, intentionally let it go.

    The second issue, saving friends out of the ashes of your former work situation - you're a reminder to them of what happened. If they won't drop it on their own, it's fine to verbally ask them to move on and to tell them what you want out of your friendship. For example "Hey, I'm really over talking about that old work drama. I really enjoy you as a friend and I would love to <insert what you'd like to do with them or talk about here>." People who are actually your friends will pivot immediately because friends like having fun with friends and work drama isn't fun, even if it was a bonding experience. People who don't make the change aren't your friends, they were coworkers and you don't work there anymore, so... time to let that go. Maybe ask them if they'd mind being a reference in the future and substitute them out for your manager for that company. Connect in LinkedIn or something and let the phone calls and/or group hangouts drop off. This could also help you to actually move on.

    You don't need this kind of negativity in your life.

24. Lisa MarieSeptember 19,2023 at 3:45PM UTC

    Perfectly said. Those were my exact thoughts and I'm glad I read your response before I typed the same advice (just with some different words).